Ministry of Confusion
by Stefan Twoflower Gagne
Summary: A Ranma 1/2 Cyberpunk Elseworlds. Clones, government conspiracies, people not being what they seem.. and romance and comedy, of course, but also action and drama and... eh, you get the idea.
1. Default Chapter

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 1  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If I  
ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Hey, kids! Do ya like that dark future?  
  
This story SERIES (ongoing until I find an end) is a mix of  
what I like best in my FWLS (A Future We'd Like to See) series   
and my Ranma 1/2 anime fanfictions. As a result, it will be  
posted to both rec.arts.anime.stories and alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo,  
since it applies to both. Here are some individual notes for  
both groups :  
  
R.A.A.S : This story lifts the Ranma cast out of the series and  
implants it into a dark utopian society. As a result,  
some relationships are just not going to work right.   
However, I've tried to keep most of them stable and  
constant... Shampoo still is defeated by Ranma and  
falls in love, Akane and Ranma are still a bit rocky,  
Ryouga is still lost etc. The only gap would be  
surrounding the Tendo sisters, who have been given a  
much larger role. It's like the Sailor Ranma series :  
a cross-rip. Just not ripped with a single series, but  
a blend of all that rocks in the genre of Dark Utopia.  
  
A.C.C : Fret not, FWLS isn't dead. It's not doing well, but  
hopefully this series will be a kick in the ass to it  
to get it in gear, since it'll put me back in the  
cyberpunk frame. A lot... hell, probably all of you  
are unfamiliar with the anime series Ranma 1/2. My  
response is don't worry. The relationships will be  
explained, and you won't need any background material.   
It'll just look a bit weirder, but since when has weird  
been a BAD thing? :) And look at it this way; r.a.a.s  
is *moderated*. You'll be getting it FIRST!   
NYAHAHAHA!  
  
There won't be a postscript, since this is a series, so I'll  
get all the trivia and information out here. The idea formed  
when I was on AnimeMUCK pretending to sell Lum clones. I smelled  
fanfic and figured a cyberpunk anime mix would work nicely,  
crafted up a beta universe doc and flashed it around. Things  
went smoothly from there on (I hope, I'm PREDICTING this will  
work).  
  
You will see MANY references or borrows from 1984, Blade  
Runner, Brazil and Brave New World. This isn't truly a parody of  
those movies but another in a series, another in a genre,  
borrowing from the masters and paying tribute in return. It's  
your basic Boy Meets Girl Boy And Girl Get Crushed By An  
Oppressive Bureaucratic Government Which Controls All Aspects of  
Life story with a few twists.  
  
So read over a few stories, see what you think, I'm always  
available for commentary or discussion at gagne@locust.cic.net.   
I'll try to keep a running archive of this on my web page,  
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/, but it might not be up for  
awhile. I welcome fan art (but probably won't get any. :)  
  
Enough banter : off to Tokyo. Please fasten safety belts.  
  
-=-  
  
"Excuse me, what do you mean you don't have it anymore?"  
Ranma Saotome asked the librarian.  
  
The librarian, a Kasumi model, peered over her just-for-  
effect hornrimmed glasses at the boy. "We don't have it anymore.   
Or rather, won't in a few minutes. I'm afraid that section of  
the library is getting very old, and in accordance with the  
Ministry of Sanitation guidelines on safety, it's being carted  
away for destruction..."  
  
"Destruction?" Ranma asked. "I thought the library didn't  
burn books!"  
  
"It doesn't. We vaporize them. Don't worry, sir, the  
material won't be lost; we'll be getting the next version of the  
book on fireproofed archive format in a month. If you like, I  
can put you on pre-borrow for it..."  
  
"No thanks," Ranma waved away. "Have they taken the books  
away yet?"  
  
"The safety officer is still in the back packing them," the  
Kasumi said, pointing to the back of the library.  
  
"Thanks," Ranma thanked, turning around and making a run for  
the shelves.  
  
The book section was clearly visible, even down the  
football-stadium sized archives of the Tokyo Public Library. It  
wasn't blue, first of all. It wasn't plastic, and it wasn't  
housing millions of little compact discs. It was real paper,  
with real leather binding; real BOOKS.  
  
Ranma ran by the endless, unidentifiable shelves of CD  
holders, deftly weaving in between researchers carrying stacks  
and stacks of the blue plastic containers. The CD-Readers were,  
of course, in another room; there just wasn't enough room in the  
library to house both the archives and the readers in the same  
area. This meant that you'd have to walk the football yardage at  
least four times, once to get a CD, once to walk back, once to  
find a terminal, and once to return the CD.  
  
Ranma liked books. He got eyestrain trying to read from a  
monitor, and books could be read right where you were standing.   
This floor just wasn't suitable for running, not like the dojo  
mats back home, and the less he had to plod across it the better.  
  
The boy came to a skidding halt at the single shelf of books  
left. Already a Ryouga model in the blue garb of the Ministry of  
Sanitation was busy dumping books by the armload into a huge  
cart, nearly the size of a chinese junk.  
  
"Whoa, whoa!" Ranma said, interrupting the man's progress.   
"I need one of those books."  
  
"Forget it," the Ryouga said. "These are off to be copied  
and fried. They're hazmat now, too easy to catch on fire. I  
already got in trouble once letting one of these firetraps loose  
and having some idiot burn it in a peace protest. So, before you  
ask, no, you can't have the book you want."  
  
"Please?" Ranma asked. "I can pay you, mister..."  
  
"Adam Ryouga Akari," he said. "And FYI, the Ministry of  
Sanitation doublechecks my income twice weekly and I don't need a  
bribe on my record, thank you."  
  
"What would you do if I just TOOK the book?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Simple. I'd kick your ass. Ryouga extenders are rather  
good at that," Adam said, cracking his knuckles and smiling. "I  
haven't gotten into a good fight in so long..."  
  
"Aha!" Ranma said. "But the library has a Pax Law  
Restriction on it. You'd be breaking the law. I don't think the  
Ministry of Sanitation would approve."  
  
Adam froze. He grumbled, bearing some really horrible  
dental work. "Damn. I hate that law. Would just tackling you  
to the ground count?"  
  
"'fraid so. I've read up quite a bit on the Pax laws."  
  
"You a wannabe lawyer like half these dorks?" Adam asked,  
pointing to a few random researchers.  
  
"Of course not. I'm a martial artist," Ranma said, puffing  
out his chest. "And in my line of work, you either know where  
you can and can't fight or you go to the slammer and dishonor  
your family."  
  
"Terrif," Adam said. "Well, I happen to be a wannabe lawyer  
dork too, and I know that according to the Ministry of Data,  
theft of a book from the Tokyo Library is also against the law.   
You could snatch it if you wanna, but you'd be up the creek.   
Whaddya got to say to that, fighter boy?"  
  
"I don't want to steal it," Ranma said. "I just want to  
borrow it. I'll be back with it in ten minutes. How's that  
sound?"  
  
"Errrmmm... iffy," Adam said. "Alright, it'll take me that  
long to load up the rest of these. If you're not back by the  
time I get the cart to the desk on the ten yard line there, I  
declare the book stolen and you can be looking at some Ministry  
of Sanitation boys on your ass faster than you can blink. Got  
it?"  
  
"Why is it that you Ryouga extenders are so pissed off all  
the time?" Ranma asked, beginning to root through the worker's  
cart.  
  
"We aren't," Adam said. "Deep down, we're very caring  
people who just want to be loved."  
  
"Then why is it that every Ryouga I've met has hated my  
guts?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Can't like everybody," Adam Ryouga shrugged.  
  
*  
  
Ranma's feet pounded against the knobby steel floor once  
more, hurting all the way. He didn't care, though; he was  
running out of time.  
  
A two minute's jog from one end of the cavernous library to  
the other. One minute to locate the machine. Three to copy.   
Three to get back. Nine minutes. Not Good.  
  
Still, this was the only legal way Ranma could get the book.   
Ranma couldn't stand all these ridiculous laws, but his dad  
knocked some sense into him at an early age, back when he'd break  
laws all the time just to be breaking them. Now he had seen the  
light; the laws were still silly, but they could be danced around  
in really evil ways.  
  
For instance, the high-speed copy machine in the Reader  
Room. Nobody used it anymore, but the Ministry of Data was  
notorious for not updating equipment terribly fast; it would  
still be there, just like it was last time Ranma visited to read  
the book. The book would be destroyed, and very likely changed  
before put back on the shelves in CD-ROM format, but HE would  
have a copy of it nobody could claim was illegal.  
  
Well, okay, MILDLY illegal since stacks of paper over fifty  
sheets were hazmat, but that was IT. Really.  
  
Ranma jogged by the desk where the Kasumi librarian was busy  
alphabetizing CDs, and into the tiny doorway of the Reader Room.  
  
Two minutes down, right on the dot by Ranma's archaic wind-  
up watch. He jogged down row after row of identical grey boxes,  
each flashing the ASCII of the archives to various bored-looking  
researchers. His machine was grey too, but didn't have a screen,  
and it was about... THREE rows over, one column...  
  
There.  
  
Ranma grinned evilly and stepped up to the dusty machine,  
forcing the input slot open and stuffing the book inside.   
Sliding his Tokyo Express card through the reader, the xerox  
machine rumbled to life like so much kitchenware falling down a  
mountain. It shuddered, it shook, it whanged loudly against the  
wall several times. Ranma didn't care about the confused looks  
from the readers and the readers manning them; he was almost  
there.  
  
Ding! Three hundred sheets of ultra-thin paper slid into  
the slot, the robotic staple-nailer jamming three identical bolts  
through the spine. KACHUNK, KACHUNK, KACHUNK and he had a  
perfect color copy of the book. Sans cover, but whatever.  
  
Ranma stuffed the copy into his backpack and yanked open the  
book slot, pulling on the textbook inside.  
  
Which was jammed.  
  
He made some experimental tugs on the book, which rattled  
around in the slot like a cheap brass doorknob. The book was  
stuck, the dented spine caught on the copier's page-turning arm.  
  
"No, no, this can't be happening..." he mumbled, using both  
hands to pull at the book. His watch said he had two minutes to  
get his ass back into the library and over to Adam...  
  
AH, Forget it. There were easier ways to do this.  
  
Ranma reared back with his hand, curling up the fingers into  
a fist. With a WHOOSH of displaced air, the fist slammed through  
the cheap metal and plastic of the copier, breaking it to  
component parts. Each bit and gizmo in the copier gave up and  
fell into a heap of fragments, never to work again.  
  
Grinning evilly, Ranma pulled the book easily out of the  
wreckage, and made a run for it.  
  
*  
  
"Hey, you seen a kid come by here?" Adam Ryouga Akari asked  
the librarian, slowly pulling his massive load towards the main  
door. "Tacky red shirt, black hair, pigtail? Or is it a  
ponytail? One of the two, old hairstyle. I think he was about  
sixteen."  
  
"A boy with that description just ran into the Reading Room  
at unsafe speeds several minutes ago," the Kasumi librarian said,  
pointing to the door with a pen.  
  
"Buggering book thief. Alright, you better report one of  
the books as missing."  
  
"Which one?" Kasumi asked, pulling a digital notepad out  
from a desk drawer.  
  
The door to the Reading Room burst open, bouncing off the  
wall and closing itself. It didn't close fast enough for Ranma  
to sprint, screaming all the way, through the door and headfirst  
into the book cart.  
  
"Hrmph!" Ranma mumbled under a small pile of economy  
textbooks, waving the original book around in the air. He pulled  
his face out of the profit and gross national product, and handed  
the book to the workman.  
  
"I'll be damned, you didn't swipe it," the Ryouga worker  
noted, fiddling with the book. "Go off for a quick read, huh?"  
  
"Could say that," Ranma said, hopping out of the cart.   
"Kasumi, I think your photocopier broke."  
  
"That's Ada Kasumi Francis to you," the librarian corrected.   
"It's okay, sir, the Ministry of Data was going to replace it  
later today anyway."  
  
"Guess I struck it lucky," Ranma nodded.  
  
*  
  
Ranma paged through his book, slumped against the wall of  
his family dojo. He turned page after page, slightly smudgy but  
certainly readable, and chock full of information.  
  
"Hey, dad, did you know that they used to let you own and  
drive a car in Tokyo?" Ranma asked.  
  
"What, not just taxis?" Genma Saotome asked, pausing in his  
punches to a training dummy. "Isn't that bad for the city?   
Traffic and pollution would be terrible."  
  
"Pollution is already terrible, dad."  
  
"I mean worse than it is now. Bad air is bad for breathing,  
which hinders how well you perform in combat."  
  
"Speaking of which, why haven't you attacked me yet?" Ranma  
asked, setting the book down. "It's been all night and not a  
single patented Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts Pop  
Training Session."  
  
"I have more important plans for you tonight, boy," Genma  
said, pushing up his glasses.  
  
"I don't think I like the sound of that."  
  
"Nonsense, boy. It's about time you faced up to your  
obligations to carry on the family name!" Genma huffed.  
  
"I REALLY don't think I like the sound of that. Dad,  
what're you talking about?  
  
"Congratulations, Ranma, you're engaged!" his dad cheered,  
shaking Ranma's hand strongly.  
  
Ranma took advantage of the moment to casually toss his dad  
across the room and into a wall. Genma impacted upside down, and  
slid down the wall to a halt.  
  
"That was impolite, Ranma," Genma noted, flipping over into  
a standing position. "You had better not be that impolite to  
your new fiancee."  
  
"What do you mean, pop?" Ranma asked. "You know I don't  
have time for a fiancee. I've got my training to worry about.   
And this," he added, pointing to the book.  
  
"YOU FOOL! You're in no position to whine about time  
constraints," Genma warned, wandering off to his room. From  
inside the cheap plastic walls, the continued. "Listen, Ranma,  
before your dear mother passed on, I promised her you'd be  
carrying on the proud line of the Saotome family. Since you've  
shown NO signs of doing that on your own, I've had to press the  
issue. You brought this on yourself, boy. Now take it like a  
man."  
  
"You can't MAKE me marry anybody, pop. It's in the law."  
  
"Quit quoting your law books at me and give me a hand with  
this," Genma demanded, pushing in a huge crate.  
  
"Eh?" Ranma asked. "What's this?"  
  
"It's... URGH... your new... RRG... fiancee!" Genma  
finished, having pushed the crate to the center of the room.  
  
"I'm married to a box?" Ranma asked, confused.  
  
"Of course not, boy. I've scrimped and saved for two years,  
and finally I had enough to grow you an extender to make a fine  
wife!" Genma cheered. "I read the sales brochure. She's  
guaranteed to be a good housewife, a kind mother and a lifelong  
companion. She's perfect, son!"  
  
"Aw, YUCK!" Ranma gagged, pretending to stick a finger down  
his throat. "Dad, you got me one of those clone things to MARRY?   
That's... TWISTED. Can those things even... well... you know?"  
  
"You should know," Genma grinned in an unpleasant way.  
  
"And why is that?"  
  
"Who do you think YOUR mother was?" Genma asked, folding his  
arms in triumph.  
  
Ranma opened his mouth to rebuke, but nothing came out. He  
left his mouth open, brain scrambling like a chicken with its  
head cut off, looking for anything he could say. How was he  
supposed to react to that?  
  
"You're lying," Ranma confirmed.  
  
"She was a Nodoka model, Ranma. Missus Abigail Nodoka  
Saotome. The finest woman I'll ever know... a gentle soul  
truly... how it broke your father's heart when she was involved  
in that taxi accident. And YES, she was an extended human, just  
like your new fiancee."  
  
"I'm... a half breed?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Don't be dense, boy. The Ministry of Sanitation would  
never allow messy genes to cause medical problems. You're 100%  
human, just like any child of an extender and a normal human.   
And so is she, just a little bit... better. It's perfectly  
acceptable in the society we live in, son. It's just the  
adjusted natural order of things."  
  
"This is nuts," Ranma concluded. "Totally and completely  
nuts. Mom couldn't have been a clone, it's just... silly. How  
can one of those things be a real person? HOW?"  
  
"If you doubt, take a look at THIS!" Genma said, popping the  
latch on the crate open and swinging the door open with a  
flourish.  
  
A shower of styrofoam peanuts rained down upon Ranma,  
followed by a lumpy object which sent him crashing to the floor.   
Buried under fluffy bits of not-snow, he waved his arms wildly  
around, grabbing at the air and trying to push the sack of  
potatoes that had fallen on him OFF.  
  
He was rather surprised when it moved away on its own.  
  
Ranma forced himself into a sitting position, spitting out  
rice cake bits and shaking his hair dandruff-free. He turned to  
yell at his dad for doing that, but there was a naked girl in the  
way.  
  
"AIEEEE!" she yelled, diving under the sea level of the  
peanut ocean. "PERVERT!"  
  
Before Ranma could object, a slap landed heavy and hard on  
his right cheek.  
  
"Hrm. Forgot they shipped them without clothes," Genma  
noted. "You stay here and get acquainted with your new fiancee,  
Ranma, and I'll go get the outfit I bought for her."  
  
Ranma nodded weakly, not sure what else he should do. He  
avoided looking at the girl right in the eyes.  
  
"Umm, hi," he greeted without looking.  
  
"Ugh," she groaned. "Peanuts? I was shipped like stereo  
equipment? That's awful! And like THIS... and you looked, you  
pervert!"  
  
"Hey, wait a minute, I did NOT--" Ranma protested, turning  
to face her. She ducked under to cover herself, and Ranma  
continued. "I did NOT know you were gonna be like that. It's my  
dad's fault for literally springing this on me-- and YOU slapped  
me, you violent girl!"  
  
"Only because you were leering!"  
  
"I wasn't 'leering'. I was 'shocked'. There's a  
difference, and certainly one that doesn't warrant being pounded  
by some maniac."  
  
"MANIAC? Who's the hentai loon here, you or me?"  
  
"Just my luck, dad bought me a tomboy," Ranma humphed.  
  
"Just my luck, I'm engaged to a pervert," Akane countered.   
"Where's that dress already? I'm freezing!"  
  
"So you're an extended human, huh?" Ranma asked, wanting to  
switch to a topic that didn't involve violent perverts.  
  
"I'm just Akane," she replied. "As for extended, if that's  
what you call it, whatever."  
  
"Whoa. Give me SOME credit for knowing how this works in  
relation to the name game. Akane's your middle name, right?   
From the person you're cloned off of?"  
  
"My FIRST name is Akane, pervert."  
  
"Hey, if I recall, *I* get to pick your first name," Ranma  
said. "Purchase of growth rights, Ministry of Data Extender Grow  
Laws. I dub thee Tomboy Akane Saotome. It's very you."  
  
"It's AKANE TENDO, not TOMBOY!" Akane said, hoisting herself  
up in anger, ignoring the results. "And I'm NOT going to marry  
you!"  
  
"Fine by me," Ranma said. "I wouldn't want to marry someone  
named Tomboy anyway. People would talk."  
  
"I wouldn't want to marry a pervert."  
  
"Now, look--"  
  
"I got the dress!" Genma said, leaning in from his bedroom.   
"Umm. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Gimmie that!" Akane yelled, charging across the room and  
snatching the dress. She was a pink blur on her way into Genma's  
room to change. Genma blinked at the spot of space where the  
dress used to be.  
  
"What back alley clinic was she grown in, dad?" Ranma asked,  
standing up in the landslide. "She's a violent freak! Kinda  
like one of the Ryouga extenders out of control."  
  
"It MIGHT be a defect..." Genma wondered. "I got it  
directly from the Ministry of Data's Biogen Division. I wanted  
quality for you, boy. Isn't she kind and nice and such?"  
  
"HA! Demonic is more like it."  
  
"Hrm... maybe I ought to call the MoD," Genma thought.  
  
"Forget it, dad," Ranma said. "I'm not marrying ANYBODY.   
Especially not an extender. Go see if you can buy some normal  
girl off the street if you're so eager to play meat market for  
me, okay?"  
  
"RANMA, you've got no right to be picky about women!" Genma  
growled, getting mad. "If I say you're marrying this Akane,  
you're marrying her. You do NOT have a say in the matter."  
  
"This bites, dad. I'm outta here," Ranma said, fishing  
through the mess for his prized book.  
  
"Where do you think YOU'RE going?" Genma asked.  
  
"Anywhere," Ranma said. "I'm going to go read. Or train.   
SOMETHING. This is no time for fiancees."  
  
"FINE by me," Akane said, wandering out of Genma's room,  
still buttoning the yellow dress up. "I'm out of here."  
  
"Whoa, wait a minute!" Genma protested. "Akane, I paid two  
years' salary to have you grown for my son. Now, I know you  
aren't legally obligated, but you ARE honor bound to stay with  
him."  
  
"Honor? What honor is there in being grown from a tube for  
a baka like him?" Akane asked.  
  
"Baka? Who're you calling a--"  
  
Something's wrong here, Genma thought. Extenders don't  
normally disapprove of who they are or why they're around... what  
was wrong with this one? Something had to be wrong. He had paid  
way too much money on his son's happiness to let it be ruined  
now.  
  
"I've got to go make a call," Genma announced to the two  
kids, who were too busy arguing to notice.  
  
*  
  
"Look, we had more than enough shipping problems AS IS with  
your extender," the clerk responded testily. "Replacements,  
double checking, debugging... and now you're saying she's  
DEFECTIVE?"  
  
"Exactly! She's not getting along at all with my boy.   
She's not anything the brochure claimed. What's going on down  
there, boy? Why, I remember when my dad ordered MY wife that she  
was something special, a diamond in the rough... this thing you  
shipped me is just the rough."  
  
"I'll pass your comment along," the clerk said, "But I can't  
do anything. The warranty is null and void in the event of a  
defect in the product."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Hey, if it wasn't, we'd have to chuck our 100% satisfaction  
advert, right?" the clerk said, smugly. "She's your problem now,  
pops. Thank you for choosing Ministry of Data Biogen. Click."  
  
"I oughtta come down there and give you the thrashing of  
your--"  
  
"PERVERT!"  
  
"TOMBOY!"  
  
Genma groaned, hanging the phone up. This wasn't how it was  
supposed to go at all. He KNEW what was supposed to happen, a  
carbon copy of the day he met Abigail Nodoka... maybe he should  
have had the box on the right end when he opened it, but to have  
this mess arise from THAT?  
  
It was his bed now, and he'd have to lie in it.   
Technically, Ranma would have to lie in it, but family honor  
doesn't localize.  
  
"Alright, you two, knock it off!" Genma demanded, exiting  
his bedroom. "I don't care how you two feel about each other,  
Akane's here and we're going to have to deal with it."  
  
"Pop, you can't be serious--"  
  
"What, would you have me toss her out on the streets?" Genma  
asked.  
  
"Well... no, but... isn't there anything you can do? Call  
the factory and recall her or something?"  
  
"Recall?" Akane asked, insulted. "I'm not a refrigerator,  
I'm a human being!"  
  
"I checked. They don't do recalls," Genma noted. "She's  
going to have to live with us until she figures out what she  
wants to do, Ranma, like it or not. Get used to the idea."  
  
*  
  
The air hung thick with tension in the Saotome home that  
night.  
  
Ranma and Akane rarely exchanged words, relying only on the  
occasional evil glare as a communications medium. Genma tried to  
calm the two down and get them together with hearty family  
activity, which didn't work very well at all.  
  
"How about bowling?" Genma suggested.  
  
"She'd just drop a ball on my foot," Ranma said.  
  
"Then let's go to a movie!"  
  
"Nothing new is out."  
  
"ANYTHING! You two can't just sit around the dojo and be  
mad at each other all night. You're engaged."  
  
"Not under Ministry of Data marriage law we aren't. Nothing  
is legal until the papers go through to finalize the wedding,"  
Ranma quoted.  
  
"Is this a dojo?" Akane asked.  
  
Ranma turned around slowly, not sure how to react to the  
only non-insulting thing Akane had said all night. "Yeah. It's  
the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts."  
  
"I used to train in a dojo like this years ago," Akane said.  
  
"No you didn't. You weren't even alive years ago."  
  
"Well, WHENEVER Ranma. Point is I remember it, okay? Let's  
put it to good use. I'll spar with you."  
  
"Spar?" Ranma asked. "Ummm... I'd rather not..."  
  
"Calm down, I won't hurt you for real," Akane said, getting  
up from her seat. "Unless, of course, you're afraid to get  
hurt..."  
  
"Yeah, right, like you could hurt me," Ranma said. "Okay,  
let's get this over with."  
  
"That's what I like to see!" Genma applauded. "You two are  
getting along just fine--"  
  
"HIYA!" Akane yelled, rushing at Ranma with a punch. Ranma  
easily ducked it, and sprung back up with a bounce that neatly  
avoided Akane's sweeping kick.  
  
Genma leaned back and enjoyed the moment as the two kids  
fought. At least they weren't arguing; and such HEALTHY  
activity, too! Healthy until someone got hit, of course, but  
Genma knew Ranma better than that.  
  
Akane didn't, however, and pressed the attack on as Ranma  
ducked, dodged, and otherwise avoided every single blow. In a  
final desperate attack, Akane managed to punch straight through  
the nonflammable plywood of the dojo wall -- Ranma simply jumped  
over her and tapped her on the shoulder from behind.  
  
"Done yet?" he asked.  
  
"Why... why didn't you fight back?" Akane asked.  
  
"Simple. I don't hit girls," Ranma said. "It's not right."  
  
Akane started to ask why, but was interrupted by a knock at  
the door, knuckle on fireproof plastic.  
  
"I'll get that," Genma said, walking across the dojo floor.   
he reached out and opened the door, greeted by the cheery green  
of a Ministry of Economics worker.  
  
"This the Saotome Dojo?" the worker asked, noisily clacking  
some chewing gum.  
  
"The Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts, yes,"  
Genma nodded. "Can I help you?"  
  
"Certainly. You called the Ministry of Data earlier about a  
defective Akane extender, right?" he asked. "One that went kinda  
not-so-right in the head, yes?"  
  
"I am NOT crazy," Akane said, getting defensive.  
  
"Uh-huh," the workman replied. "Well, I've got a recall  
order here to take her in to figure out what went wrong. Come  
along, miss."  
  
"Wait a second," Ranma said, cutting in front of his father.   
"Something's fishy here. If anybody would be recalling her, it  
would be the Ministry of Data, right? I mean, it was THEIR labs  
that grew her for my dad. Why would the Ministry of Money be  
interested in her?"  
  
"That's Ministry of Economics, lad," the workman reminded.   
"Well, you know how it is, a veritable Ministry of Confusion, as  
usual with these things. See, you've got your Ministry of  
Sanitation handling cleaning up the crime pun intended, you've  
got your Ministry of Data doing genetic research and cloning, and  
Ministry of Economic's been picking up the slack where they can  
find it. Ministry of Peace ain't gonna do it because they're too  
busy fighting on the front, you know? Akane here is a special  
case scenario which the good 'ol MoE is gonna handle. I've got  
orders from the Director herself."  
  
"According to law, Tomboy Akane Saotome--"  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"--has rights too," Ranma said. "I'll need to see a warrant  
before you can do anything."  
  
"Don't need one," the man said, gum clicking away. "She's  
not registered yet and doesn't count. Now come on, lad, don't  
make this any harder than it's got to be. She's hazmat now, too  
dangerous to leave unchecked. Don't wont to impede public  
safety, do we?"  
  
"What exactly are you planning on doing to her?" Ranma  
asked.  
  
"Oh, the usual. Take her apart and see what went wrong.   
Got to do research to prevent future botch jobs, you know? S'not  
good for sales to have loose cannons running around."  
  
"Are you planning on putting her back together again?"  
  
"Huh? 'course not, lad. What made you think that?"  
  
"What exactly do you plan to do if she doesn't WANT to go?"  
Ranma asked.  
  
"Oh, probably call in a few of the lads to grab her. Rather  
high priority, she is."  
  
"And if I object too?" Ranma asked.  
  
"That'd be impeding a Ministry of Economics investigation,  
lad, and a felony."  
  
"Thought so," Ranma said. "Dad, sorry, gotta break the law.   
I'll apologize later."  
  
Before Genma could say a word, Ranma had slammed a haymaker  
across the workman's jaw. The workman fell over, with the same  
bored look on his face he walked in with.  
  
"Alright, Akane, let's go," Ranma said, grabbing Akane by  
the arm and making a run for it.  
  
"RANMA! What are you doing?" Genma asked. "You just hit an  
officer from the Ministry of Economics!"  
  
"I know. I'm sorry," Ranma said. "Gotta go."  
  
With that, Ranma was out the door and running, Akane in tow.  
  
*  
  
"Ra... RANMA... slow down!" Akane demanded, digging her  
shoes into the pavement to drag Ranma back a little.  
  
"Come on, you KNOW they're gonna swarm the place any minute  
now," Ranma said. "You want those freaks to take you off to the  
Ministry of Economics and rip you to bits? Huh?"  
  
"No, of course not! But..."  
  
"But what?" Ranma asked. "Don't object to the person who's  
saving your life."  
  
"Why ARE you saving my life?" Akane asked.  
  
"Why? Why... I don't know. Because I don't like to see  
people die. Because I know the Ministries are run by jerks.   
Because I found out how things USED to be and I just feel like  
exploding when I see what's they've done to it since," Ranma  
said, stopping in his tracks. "I've had to obey the law, dodge  
around it on a promise to my dad up until now, but I can't handle  
this anymore. Especially not someone charging in and asking if  
we could hand you over to be slaughtered. That never would have  
been done before, I've been reading about the way we used to  
li..."  
  
Ranma paused, searching that thought. He quickly pulled his  
cheap backpack off his shoulders, and ripped the zipper open.  
  
"What?" Akane asked, looking into the backpack. "What's  
wrong?"  
  
"It's not here!" Ranma said, in fear. "I left it back at  
the dojo!"  
  
"Left what?"  
  
"My book!" Ranma said, dropping the backpack completely.   
"It was the only copy left on Earth... I gotta go back for it."  
  
"Didn't you just say the place would be swarming with  
people? What's so important about a book?"  
  
"It's not just a book," Ranma said. "It's the past. It's  
the only history textbook I've ever found that goes back, back  
farther than the millennium end. I need to go get it. YOU stay  
here."  
  
"But you'll need help--"  
  
"I don't want you getting hurt," Ranma said. "It's my book,  
I'll get it. Don't move."  
  
"But--"  
  
Ranma was already twenty feet away and accelerating,  
straight back on the path they had taken to escape the hornet's  
nest.  
  
Hmph. Idiot, Akane thought. I hope nothing horrible  
happens to him, though.  
  
*  
  
"That was really dumb, Saotome," a green-suited solider  
said, poking through the Ministry of Data package with a rifle  
end. "Honestly, buying him an extender? A *bride*? You should  
know better than to introduce a potentially hazardous element  
into the mix."  
  
"I know, I know," Genma said. "Still, I did feel obligated.   
Abigail Nodoka made me promise..."  
  
"It doesn't apply, now does it?" the soldier asked.   
"Whatever. The damage is done. We'll get whatever data we can  
and cover up the rest."  
  
"What are you going to do to them?" Genma asked.  
  
"We're not authorized to tell you that," the soldier  
replied. "Alright, boys, they're probably not coming back.   
Let's fan out and search the area. I want those kids back alive.   
You find one, you'll find the other."  
  
The other soldiers nodded, and began exiting the dojo  
through the various holes they had made on the way in. Genma  
frowned at his ruined dojo; all this, just to look for an  
extender that had turned wayward...  
  
"Pop!" Ranma called, hanging from the ceiling via an air  
duct. "Yoo hoo!"  
  
"Ranma?" Genma asked, looking up. "What're you doing up  
there?"  
  
"I've been here for five minutes. What were you doing  
talking to those psychos, dad?"  
  
"I can't explain," Genma said, regretfully. "Look, you'd  
better just take Akane and go somewhere safe. It's too dangerous  
for you two to stay here."  
  
"I know," Ranma said, dropping to the floor, twisting in the  
air to land like a cat. "Dad... are you mad at me?"  
  
"For what, boy?"  
  
"Breaking the law. I know you made me promise on my  
mother's grave that I'd never do it again, way back when I was  
six..."  
  
"Son, there's a time for respecting the government and there  
are times when you can't," Genma said. "At this point, I trust  
you to make that decision. Your mother would approve."  
  
"Good," Ranma said, calming down slightly. "Anyway, I just  
came back for one thing..."  
  
He walked over to the room where Akane originally landed on  
him, and picked through the rubble. Finding his color copied  
book, he dusted the cover off until he could make out the words :  
History of the World, Twentieth Century.  
  
"I think I know a way to keep her safe from them," Ranma  
said, stuffing the book under his shirt. "I've got a plan  
that'll let me end this nonsense quickly and get on with my life.   
Bye, dad. I'll be back soon."  
  
With that, Ranma jumped up to the air duct he had crawled in  
from and exited, just as silently as he had entered.  
  
"Just make sure you're safe too, Ranma," Genma said to  
himself. "You've got more reason to worry than she does."  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.1  
Private use only  
 


	2. 2

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 2  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If I  
ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Ryouga squelched through the rain, blinding running from  
building to building. WHERE? Where could she have gone? After  
so much time and effort to develop another extender without  
mental inhibitors, to lose her in a shipping error was just...  
just... stupid.  
  
He walked up to the nearest door, and forced it open.   
Ignoring the confused looks from the family of four inside, he  
repeated his question :  
  
"Where is the Saotome Dojo?!"  
  
The family blinked a bit, not sure what to say. Ryouga  
pulled the waterproof, fireproof map out of his backpack and held  
it out for the head of the house to examine.  
  
The father peered at the laminated paper, trying to figure  
out what it was. "Hrm. That's a map of the Nerima district,  
isn't it? North side of Tokyo?"  
  
"Exactly," Ryouga nodded. "How do I get there?"  
  
"But... this is the Juku district," the man said. "The  
farthest southeastern point in Tokyo. You're fifty miles away at  
least."  
  
"Fi... fifty miles?" Ryouga asked. "Nevermind. Sorry to  
bother you. Goodbye."  
  
"But--"  
  
Ryouga shut the door behind him, entering the rain once  
more. WHY? Why did he have to completely burn out his sense of  
direction while fighting his own mental inhibitors? What justice  
was there in it?  
  
Time was running out. The longer it took to find her, the  
more likely it would be for the Ministry of Data to notice the  
error and try to get her back. Or the Ministry of Sanitation, or  
maybe even the Ministry of Peace; none of them would be happy  
with an extender loose on the streets that had free will.  
  
What they'd do to her was too horrible to think about.  
  
"Akane, I WILL find you!" Ryouga called to the rains. "I  
promise you!"  
  
"You too, huh?" a man next to him asked, polishing off a  
cigarette. "Don't get myself what's so big about this stray  
Akane model."  
  
"Huh?" Ryouga asked, turning around. "Who're you?"  
  
"Ryan Tuttle Giji," the man said. "Ministry of Data. So're  
you, by the uniform."  
  
"Uniform? Oh, yeah," Ryouga nodded, remembering that he had  
yet to take off his yellow MoD lab coat from this morning's work.   
"So... I take it the MoD is having trouble?"  
  
"Yeah. Mousse's got us scouring the city for some Akane  
model and a human who's helping her hide," he said. "Don't catch  
the point myself, since the Ministry of Sanitation'll probably  
pick them up first. Or Ministry of Peace. You know how it goes,  
right? MoC?"  
  
"Ministry of Confusion, yes," Ryouga nodded, recognizing the  
popular joke term.  
  
"They all got their reasons. Data doesn't want anybody to  
know they botched it up, Sanitation is worried about public  
safety and Peace wants... ah, I don't know what they want.   
Nobody does, that's how buggering secretive those blokes are.   
Rumor has it the Ministry of Economics even has people out  
looking for her tonight. A full squad of guys with guns. Wot's  
the Ministry of Economics doing with a swat team? Argh. Kinda  
makes you sick, don't it?"  
  
"I... don't follow."  
  
"It's such a sodding waste of resources! Every Ministry is  
sweeping the city. They can't decide who should handle it, so  
they're all doing it. Most of us don't even know why we're doing  
it," Ryan said. "I don't buy Data's excuse. Data claims it's  
just trying to get the defective Akane back. Won't work.   
Peace'll get the kids, sure thing; that's what they're good at.   
I give up. Wanna go back to the shop 'n have a few cups? No use  
hanging out in the rain. I'm a scientist, not a bounty hunter."  
  
"N... no thanks," Ryouga said. "I'm going to keep looking.   
I've got orders, like you do, right?"  
  
"Suit yourself. Catch your death of cold if it's your  
fancy," Ryan said. "Care for a cig?"  
  
"Sorry, I don't smoke."  
  
"What do you do at MoD, anyway?" Ryan asked. "I haven't  
seen you around. Well, maybe I have, but with all the bloody  
Ryougas we have running around, I'd never know it were YOU."  
  
"Oh, this and that," Ryouga said. "I lift the heavy stuff.   
Carry files around. Reload the biotanks... things like that.   
Sometimes I handle data entry into the tanks."  
  
"Tricky business, that. Maybe this Akane's your fault,"  
Ryan joked. "Put in a B where you should have put a T or  
something and gummed her brain up something awful, eh?"  
  
"I did NOTHING of the sort!" Ryouga exclaimed. "I'm a loyal  
Ministry of Data worker and I do not tamper with the goods!"  
  
"Whoa, whoa mate, I'm only kidding," Ryan protested, backing  
off. "Probably just another bloody inhibitor error. I wish  
they'd stop using generation twos, they're unreliable. 'sides,  
you Ryouga extenders are too bloody strong for 'em. Keep  
overriding the program, developing mental viruses to keep the  
inhibitors from working. Gone total frankenstein, you know?"  
  
"Lucky thing I have no intentions of doing that," Ryouga  
lied. "The Ministry of Sanitation would hunt me down for  
presenting a danger to the public."  
  
"Right on, mate. That's the whole problem, we need stronger  
inhibitors. 'course, can't tell the public too much about those,  
right? Make 'em get all edgy about man's rights to free will and  
all. Laymen. Just don't follow why we do it, right?"  
  
"Why do you think they stick those things in extenders?"  
Ryouga asked, genuinely interested.  
  
"Well, the official banter is that by keeping 'em from  
breaking the law or objecting to what they are, it prevents messy  
conflict and social disorder. I think it's just some silly  
Ministry power play, like they're sticking subliminals in there  
to whack MoP troopers or whatever if the Ministry of Data decides  
to take over. We deserve it, what with the crap we put up with  
on a daily basis from those other Ministries..."  
  
"Tell me about it," Ryouga nodded. "Just today I was  
hauling boxes and boxes of research data over to the Ministry of  
Economics. They never tells us Ryougas why, of course, we're  
just the delivery boys."  
  
"Dark stuff goin' on in Tokyo, lad," Ryan said, puffing  
away. "I'd move off to the Americas if they'd let me. Like it  
or not, I guarantee you when the crap hits the fan the MoD is  
going to be the first to go down."  
  
"You think someone's going to bomb the Ministry of Data?"  
Ryouga asked. "Like, terrorists?"  
  
"Wouldn't put it past them. Either terrorists or another  
Ministry. Wossname? The Commander of the Peace. Never trusted  
her. If she doesn't get us, those ridiculous Ministry of  
Confusion Anarchists will get us. Blown up, either way. You  
hear about the Anarchists, lad?"  
  
"Of course. They're on the news every day," Ryouga nodded.  
  
"I'm surprised the MoP or MoS hasn't bagged them yet," Ryan  
said. "Just a bunch of street punks, adopting a perfectly  
harmless joke term for a terror threat. Nuisances, all of them.   
You see one of those lads, you steer clear, hear? They're  
nothing but trouble."  
  
"I'll keep that in mind. Listen, mister... um..."  
  
"Ryan. Ryan Tuttle Giji."  
  
"Yes, Ryan. I'd better go off looking for that lost Akane,"  
Ryouga said.  
  
"Luck to you, though you'll probably not succeed," Ryan  
said, tipping his hat. "Those two kids are probably already in  
some dungeon in the pits of the MoP by now. I'm off to the lab.   
Obligatory overtime to pull."  
  
Ryouga nodded, and walked away in a random direction. He  
probably won't be going back to the lab, not after they discover  
what he did. It's not often that someone copies a part of their  
own mind into a growing extender.  
  
He didn't have a choice, really. The other Ryougas that had  
broken through the inhibitors and developed a natural resistance  
to them were mad, driven insane by the effort of breaking your  
own mind. Ryouga managed to centralize his own attack on his  
sense of direction, destroying it completely but surviving  
intact.  
  
The only safe way for an extender to break free of the  
chains of an inhibitor was to have a natural resistance built in  
before the inhibitors arrived. Ryouga had no choice but to try  
and implant his own immunity into a growing extender. It was the  
only way to see if it was possible, the only way to see if his  
race had a future.  
  
Besides, he was in love with the Akane in question.  
  
He knew this when he first laid eyes on her projected final  
growth report. So beautiful... so innocent. She'd never know  
what they intended to do until it was done, the Ministry of Data  
Biogen scientists using inhibitors to suppress the clone's  
natural personality and render her docile. It was a crime to do  
something that horrible to a sweet girl like that, who couldn't  
do anything to fight back.  
  
Ryouga gave her a weapon to fight their plans, and it had  
worked. Through careful work, he managed to let her grow, immune  
to the inhibitors which were installed partway through her growth  
cycle. When the final day came, this day, she was ready to be  
shipped to the fake address he gave them at his hideout. She'd  
be safe, secure, and the first in a new line of freemen.  
  
Then... something went wrong. Chaos gripped the Biogen  
department of the Ministry of Data today. Ryouga wasn't sure  
what went wrong, but through the myriad of transactions and  
coverups he traced his Akane to the Saotome Dojo. The fake stats  
he had programmed into her purchase order had matched Genma  
Saotome's order to the letter, and she was going to be a  
replacement.  
  
At his hideout, he could have ushered her to safety before  
anybody noticed. Now the city was crawling with people, oddly  
more than have ever been assigned to other free extender cases.   
Even the most dangerous of all free extenders, a Ryouga which had  
gone insane, only merited a squad of Ministry of Sanitation  
officers.  
  
Just his luck that the woman of his dreams was also the  
subject of the largest manhunt in Tokyo's history. And what was  
this about someone protecting her? Perhaps it would be good for  
Akane in the end to have a protector, but that was the role  
Ryouga had selected for himself... if she wasn't captured, this  
other person might hide her away forever, never to be seen again!  
  
Ryouga cursed his rotten luck, running through the soaked  
streets of Tokyo's night. He picked another door at random, and  
pulled it open.  
  
"Where is the Saotome Dojo?!" he asked.  
  
The six Ministry of Peace officers looked back at him,  
confused.  
  
Ryouga looked around. Ornate pillars... poor lighting...  
marble walls... thirty foot seal of the Ministry of Peace on the  
floor. He had walked directly into the Ministry itself.  
  
"Why do you want to know?" one of the soldiers asked.  
  
"Umm. Err. No reason," Ryouga shrugged. "Just looking for  
a workout. I'm due for a lesson."  
  
"Commander, we have a code yellow in the lobby," the soldier  
said to the open air. "Some Ministry of Data Ryouga who asked  
about the dojo by name. Orders?"  
  
"Hmmm," the air replied. It was the voice of a woman,  
musing over things the way one might muse over nuclear war.   
"Bring him to chamber twelve, I'll be right down."  
  
Ryouga tried to make a run for the door, only to find no  
door. The wall had silently slid closed, cutting off his escape  
route. He turned to face the soldiers, and was greeted by an  
electrical arc from a taser rifle, putting him out like a light.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga's vision un-blurred, trying to focus in the dim  
light.  
  
He couldn't move; some kind of restraint was wrapped around  
him, looped in various ways to prevent any of his limbs from  
twitching. Obviously whoever had him down knew a few things  
about Ryougas; even with his naturally herculean strength, he  
couldn't budge the bonds.  
  
"That will be all for now, Fritz," the female voice said  
again. Ryouga heard a door open and close, unable to see any  
light or movement in the dark. The voice hovered near head  
level.  
  
"You've been a naughty little boy, Ryouga Hibiki," the voice  
said. "My, my. Tampering with Ministry of Data property, trying  
to implant your own immunity into another extender. That's  
illegal, you realize. You should be dead by now."  
  
"So go ahead and kill me," Ryouga cheerfully suggested.  
  
"Ohohohoho! I don't think so. Not yet," the voice replied,  
sliding around in front of him. "Your usefulness is too great to  
simply remove you from the picture. I suppose you'll be wanting  
some light before I continue?"  
  
"It would be nice, yeah," Ryouga spat.  
  
She turned on the lights.  
  
"K... Ko... KODACHI Kunou?!" Ryouga gasped.  
  
"That's Commander of the Peace Kodachi Kunou to you, clone,"  
she warned, pointing the handle of a gymnastics ribbon at you.   
"I've already taken the liberty to pick your mind electronically  
and learn what you've done, but for the life of me I can't tell  
why you're putting yourself at such risk for another Akane copy.   
So, I've revived you to ask. What is it about this one that has  
you putting yourself in jeopardy?"  
  
"What should it matter to you?" Ryouga asked. "I'm just  
another extender, a sheep to you. Don't think I don't know about  
the inhibitors. You've tried to hide them from the public, but I  
work at the Ministry of Data and I know what they REALLY do.   
You're using them to make people with no free will."  
  
Kodachi neatly whipped her ribbon out, slapping Ryouga one  
across the cheek. "Not so. Besides, you're talking to the wrong  
Ministry. If you have a beef with the extender program, tell the  
MoD. I just handle this nation's wars and conflicts. I would  
also be handling the sentencing of you and the other lawbreakers  
if it wasn't for that blasted Kasumi's meddling... but that's  
another matter. Now, answer my original question; what is it  
about this Akane that makes her special?"  
  
"I love her, that's what!" Ryouga snapped. "Like you could  
understand my suffering--"  
  
"Enough with the angst, clone," Kodachi warned. "Drat. I  
was hoping you knew why the Ministry of Economics was so eagar to  
get those two kids back. What is it about them that has the  
Ministries so alarmed? I've scrambled my own forces of course,  
not wanting to miss out on the fun, but I'd like to know why I'm  
doing it. Love, huh? Pity. I was hoping for something more  
informative. Do you know anything of this other one, the human  
that seems to be helping her?"  
  
"I thought you were just interest in eliminating a free-  
thinking 'clone'," Ryouga noted..  
  
"What, her? Let the Ministry of Sanitation handle that, if  
they're so keen on keeping order." Kodachi said, "My concern is  
with the pair, but specifically the human. It seems like BOTH of  
them are in dutch. What I need is someone who can get in close  
and find out what's going on. I believe that would be you,  
Ryouga."  
  
"I'm not going to cooperate with any of your plans."  
  
"So be it," Kodachi nodded. "You're free to go. You'll  
find your lab coat and silly umbrella by the door. Remember the  
Ministry of Peace for any of your later invasion needs."  
  
"Wh... wait. I'm free?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Since you know nothing more about the situation than I do,  
yes," Kodachi nodded. "Go seek out your precious Akane if you  
want. Just beware my troops when we find them."  
  
Kodachi whipped her ribbon out and snagged a lever next to  
Ryouga's interrogation table, and pulled. The restraints  
uncurled themselves, the single strip of superstrong fabric  
unwinding itself like a snake over Ryouga's limbs.  
  
"Now get out of here before I change my mind," Kodachi said,  
pointing to the door. "I'll have one of my guards lead you to  
the door.  
  
Ryouga nodded, and grabbed his possessions. Out the door he  
went, under armed escort. Kodachi watched him leave, and waited  
for Fritz to return.  
  
Silly boy, she thought. Shame he didn't know anything.   
Kodachi wished that the Tendos would be more open with her about  
their little plots and plans; who was responsible for causing  
this mess? Her agents claimed it was the Ministry of Economics  
that first went knocking at the door, starting the chase and  
hunt. Others said it started at the Ministry of Data earlier  
today when her agents got into that shootout... covering up a  
warehouse assault wasn't easy--  
  
"The results are positive," Fritz said, wandering into the  
interrogation room. "I think the programs took hold. Ryouga is  
now officially ours."  
  
"Glad to hear it," Kodachi nodded. "Please send the fools  
that were involved in this morning's fray up to chamber six for  
debriefing."  
  
"How would you like them delivered?"  
  
"The usual way."  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.2  
Private use only  
 


	3. 3

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 3  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If I  
ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
Quick Athor Note : As Zoner pointed out, I guess a.c.c.  
won't be getting these first nyah nyah. Oh well. I'm sure  
they'll appreciate being confused on a less regular basis  
anyway. :)  
  
-=-  
  
When the four leaders of the Tokyo government get together,  
they don't kid around.  
  
The meeting, housed at the Ministry of Peace's top floor,  
was a madhouse. Yellow, red, blue and green guards (red ones  
being the bulkier of the four) swarmed around the main office of  
Mousse, Director of Data, looking for any suspicious people they  
could shoot at. All workers were given the evening off; all  
people at street level were urged to find other routes that  
didn't pass by the building. Any air traffic was shot down.  
  
Inside the meeting was another matter. It was all smiles  
and thank yous and lemonade. The smiles were strained and the  
politeness faked, but at least the beverages were sweet.  
  
"More lemonade, anyone?" Kasumi asked, pouring herself a  
tall glass.  
  
"No thanks," Kodachi politely refused. "On to new business.   
I've called this meeting over two specific matters which the  
public at large seems to have confused with 'Ministry  
infighting'. I believe all of you know what they are."  
  
The others nodded. Kodachi continued.  
  
"The first is that unpleasant incident at the Biogen  
warehouse in this very building," Kodachi said. "My agents saw  
several Ministry of Economics employees engaging in suspicious  
behavior--"  
  
"We were just transporting an extender for storage,"  
Chairwoman Nabiki of the Ministry of Economics explained. "This  
was authorized by the Ministry of Data. You'll find it in the  
records, file 3426.6357.GH. Authorization by Gosunkugi Hikaru."  
  
"Umm, Nabiki, Gosunkugi isn't authorized to authorize  
anything like that," Director of Data Mousse reminded her. "He's  
just my liaison to the Biogen department, which if you recall I  
have always had strong objections to. By the way, may I move to  
have it moved to another Ministry? I still say it's a little out  
of place there..."  
  
"That's old business, which we've already covered," Nabiki  
said. "Anyway, miss Commander of the Peace, we THOUGHT we had  
authorization to do it. Apologies if we did not. Just a  
misunderstanding."  
  
"Why was it that your agents were trying to hide the crate,  
then?" Kodachi asked. "My agents saw them covertly load it into  
a van labelled 'Mister Whipple Ices', drive around Tokyo three  
times and slip into a disused cargo loading dock at the MoD."  
  
"For which I have punished them via a dock in weekly wages,"  
Nabiki said. "The ones that survived, at least. For the life of  
me, I can't understand why they would do that either. Perhaps  
they misinterpreted my orders."  
  
"Plus, they shot at my agents," Kodachi said, dropping the  
bomb.  
  
"Whoa. Hold on, your agents shot FIRST," Nabiki said. "One  
of my agents was wounded by your gunfire, then they had to defend  
themselves. You can't expect them to react in any other way,  
they're Ministry of Economics armed guards! Sure, they're not  
crack death machines like MoP troops, but they're not dumb  
either."  
  
"If they're Moe guards, then they should have been guarding  
the Ministry of Economics, shouldn't they?" Kodachi asked. "What  
was so important about this extender that you had to take such  
measures to bring it there?"  
  
"It was just an Akane extender we wanted to send back for  
testing. Nothing more."  
  
"We don't DO that," Mousse said. "Listen, let me make  
myself fully clear here : Ministry of Data just breeds these  
things for you. We don't take any responsibility about what  
happens next. We take orders about how they're made, but nothing  
beyond that."  
  
"I do so wish you would work on your growth process," Kasumi  
said, pleading in tone. "Some of your Ryougas have done many bad  
things after being released. Litter, defacing of public  
property, murder in the first... not a clean image for the city  
to maintain about its Biogen program."  
  
"Look, it was a global screw-up on all sides," Nabiki  
admitted. "My people misinterpreted my orders and yours did too  
and there was a bit of a conflict, but everything's settled down  
now. Things are back to normal at Biogen, right Mousse?"  
  
"Thank god yes," Mousse grumbled. "We had to replace a  
bunch of extenders which died in the fray. Do you know how  
expensive those are? Luckily we get private funding from the  
customers, but all the replacements come out of MY pockets."  
  
"Actually, I'm not very interested in this incident,"  
Kodachi said. "Well, I'm fairly perturbed, but I'm a lady of  
manners and will accept your apology, Nabiki, without any more  
questions. The matter is closed. I do require information about  
another problem..."  
  
"That mess with an escaped Akane, right?" Mousse asked.   
"That was NOT our fault."  
  
"Actually, yes it was," Kodachi said, pulling a stack of  
inflammable papers out from behind her back. "I have a report  
here on information taken out of a Ryouga extender... one that  
worked for you. Apparently you were sabotaged."  
  
"Sabotaged?!"  
  
"Exactly. An Akane had a inhibitor immunity vector  
installed prior to shipment."  
  
"We knew that," Mousse said. "I didn't know one of my boys  
did it, though. Which Ryouga was it?"  
  
"It's hard to say. All we got out of him was Ryouga  
Hibiki," Kodachi said. "He's apparently forgotten his legal  
name. Even the mental scanners couldn't find it."  
  
"You HAD him for questioning?" Mouse asked.  
  
"Had, yes. I'm afraid he escaped. I severely repremanded  
the officer on duty for that."  
  
"Great, a wayward Ryouga working for us," Mousse grumbled.   
"I TOLD Gosunkugi we needed to screen better..."  
  
"The how is trivial," Kodachi said. "What I want to know is  
WHY a simple case of the wayward Akane extender your boy produced  
turned into the massive fray that's at this moment on our  
streets."  
  
"We didn't start that," Mousse said. "I sent out as many  
people as I could, whether they were qualified or not, just to  
see what was happening. I wanted to know why YOU guys--"  
  
"Ahem," Kodachi ahemed.  
  
"--girls, sorry, were going nuts looking for this Akane."  
  
"I too decided to send some of my janitors around," Kasumi  
said. "After all, having that many Ministry officers on the  
streets is a good way to cause both litter and crime. We were  
very lucky it didn't result in a street riot. You know our image  
is rather... tarnished. I'd like to know why this Akane is  
important as well, so I can withdraw my forces."  
  
"It's not just the Akane," Kodachi said. "Nabiki, care to  
explain?"  
  
"Explain what?" Nabiki asked innocently.  
  
"Why your troops had orders to find both the Akane AND her  
human companion?" Kodachi asked.  
  
"How'd you find out about that?"  
  
"Simple. I asked one of your officers."  
  
"Asked or tortured?" Nabiki queried, narrowing her eyes at  
the gymnast.  
  
"Torture? Such a horrible word! Perhaps I'm rather  
forceful in my questioning, but one can hardly call it torture."  
  
"You know, one of my best accountants returned today with a  
strange scar on his forehead and several burns," Nabiki mused.   
"He couldn't remember anything, of course. That would be too  
incriminating."  
  
"Are you accusing me of something, money counter?" Kodachi  
asked.  
  
"Depends on if you have something to hide, ribbon girl."  
  
"Please, please, we mustn't fight!" Kasumi interjected.   
"It's bad enough that the public thinks we're working against  
them instead of for them. We mustn't let that image persist by  
calling names and hurling accusations."  
  
"Yes, I gave my guards orders to bring both of them in  
alive," Nabiki nodded. "So what's it to you?"  
  
"Does this have anything to do with the mess at Biogen?"  
Kodachi asked.  
  
"No, and I can wholeheartedly say that's the truth. The  
incidents are unrelated. I can see how an Akane got out  
unchecked in the mess, however."  
  
"We did the best we could," Mousse offered pathetically.  
  
"What's Experiment-R, Nabiki?" Kodachi asked, dropping the  
second bomb of the evening.  
  
"What Experiment-R?" Nabiki asked, not sure what else to  
say.  
  
"The one I've gotten sketchy field reports on," Kodachi  
said. "My agents found a small Biogen lab in the basement of  
your Ministry of Economics."  
  
"BIOGEN?!" Mousse asked, gasping for air. "Nabiki, what the  
hell are you doing with Ministry of Data technology? I thought I  
was the only person who had to put up with that junk!"  
  
"You've been spying on me?!" Nabiki asked, ignoring the boy.  
  
"Of course. One can't be too careful in the interests in  
national security."  
  
"Kodachi!" Kasumi interrupted. "Ministries may not  
interfere in the businesses of other Ministries except through  
proper channels. That was the basis of the four-tiered  
government the Tendos laid out. To break that law breaks the  
very concept this country was founded on!"  
  
"Hear hear," Mousse said, trying to get an elbow into the  
conversation.  
  
"Don't worry, dear Kasumi Tendo, my agents are long gone  
from that outpost," Kodachi said. "We simply were observing. I  
was acting in the best interests of the country, I assure you."  
  
"I still don't like the idea of you peering through MY  
windows," Nabiki said. "You've got no business in my business."  
  
"Actually, she does," Kasumi said.  
  
"And Kasumi backs me up on th-- eh?"  
  
"Also by law, full disclosure is required regarding any non-  
public projects," Kasumi said. "This is one large government,  
after all, not four little ones. If one Ministry was to work on  
a project in secret without disclosing it to the other three, it  
would subvert the concept. Secret projects are only valid if all  
four Ministries agree on them."  
  
"Okay, then I admit I've got a project called Experiment-R,"  
Nabiki said. "How's that?"  
  
"Not enough, I'm afraid," Kasumi said.  
  
"Look, I can't explain what it's about properly until it's  
complete," Nabiki said. "I don't even know if it worked. I'll  
make you a deal, Kodachi. You find the boy wayward Akane is  
travelling with and I'll present a report about my findings,  
project completed and final data gathered. There's a chance to  
salvage what's left, but my troops just aren't good at manhunts.   
Kasumi's are busy enough as is and Mousse... well, your think  
tank doesn't make a good commando unit."  
  
"I know, I know," Mousse nodded.  
  
"And Kodachi, I want them alive," Nabiki reminded.  
  
"What if they die?" Kodachi asked. "The street is a  
dangerous place, and they'll likely seek sanctuary in the worst  
possible places. If my troops find two corpses, will you still  
disclose the project?"  
  
"Yes, but only after I'm POSITIVE that your troops saw two  
corpses on the way in and out," Nabiki said. "No funny  
business."  
  
"Don't worry, Nabiki. My troops aren't that unprofessional.   
However, realize that if they attack us, we will have to counter  
attack. I assure you that we will try our best to take them  
alive."  
  
"I'm glad you two have come to a middle ground," Kasumi  
nodded. "In the future, I'd suggest we all try harder not to  
keep secrets from each other. It's for the common good. All  
those in favor?"  
  
"I've got nothing to hide," Kodachi said unconvincingly.  
  
"Me neither, other than Experiment-R," Nabiki lied.  
  
"No side projects here," Mousse said truthfully.  
  
"As for me," Kasumi said, "I'm not doing anything unusual.   
Just the usual Ministry of Sanitation duties regarding  
cleanliness of the streets and of the soul. I'd recommend a  
press release once this Experiment-R matter is settled to renew  
the populace's faith in the Ministries. Sort of an apology for  
not cooperating, and a promise for a brighter tommorow."  
  
"You're better with words than we are," Nabiki nodded. "You  
write it up, send it to Mousse to print and I'll fund the  
project. A group effort."  
  
"Is there any more new business, or should we close up?"  
Kasumi asked.  
  
"Close up," Kodachi suggested. "I've got a pair of kiddies  
to find."  
  
"Very well. I'll lead the traditional closing ceremony,"  
Kasumi said.  
  
"This again?" Kodachi asked. "Honestly, I would think you  
girls would have moved on with your lives by now..."  
  
"She was our sister and one of the founding members of the  
government," Kasumi said. "We must pay our respects to Akane.   
Without her, you wouldn't HAVE the position in government you  
have now."  
  
"Alright, fine," Kodachi mumbled. "Let's get it over with."  
  
Sheesh, Kodachi thought. Just because someone dies, no need  
to go on and on about it like they were some hero. Kodachi was  
FAR better as Commander of the Peace than Akane ever was. At  
least Kodachi doesn't fall for easy to spot car bombs.  
  
*  
  
Gosunkugi simply didn't understand.  
  
The ritual was followed to the letter. All the ingredients  
were added to his pocket cauldron. It was cooled for long enough  
for the magic to solidify. He even had the end result, the  
wiggly, translucent blocks of substance... but it wasn't doing  
anything.  
  
The pictures in the magazine indicated that small children  
would become entranced with the gobs of stuff, and do all sorts  
of strange things for it. Even the intoned mantras of Jay, iee,  
ell, ell and oh didn't do anything for the local children other  
than make them look at him funny. Perhaps the english lettering,  
which he couldn't translate, held the key?  
  
His phone rang, martian raygun beeps ripping through his  
concentration. The gelatin in his hands wobbled around as he  
jumped in surprise. Gosunkugi dropped the mystic dessert and  
darted for the phone.  
  
"Hello?" he asked, tapping the ANSWER button.  
  
Ranma's image popped up on the cheap black and white screen  
of Gosunkugi's phone. The wanna-be magician's face fall.   
"Ranma. It's only you. What do you want?"  
  
"Gos, I need a place to crash for a few days," Ranma said.   
"And that favor you owe me."  
  
"I don't know, Ranma... I mean, my landlord doesn't like me  
putting more occupants in here. It violates his population  
control permit."  
  
"I know, but this is VERY, VERY important. Life or death."  
  
"Life or death?" Gosunkugi asked. "I don't like the sound  
of that. Is another Ryouga harassing you? I know that's been a  
problem..."  
  
"What, you think I'd need to hide from that?" Ranma laughed.   
"No way. This is much more important. I'll explain on the way  
up."  
  
"Way up? Where are you?"  
  
"I'm downstairs," Ranma said. "About six feet below you on  
a public phone. Hi."  
  
"Alright, come up," Gosunkugi said. "But I'll decide on how  
long later. No promises."  
  
"Gotcha," Ranma nodded, and his image faded away in a haze  
of static. The astronomical cost of the call flashed briefly on  
Gosunkugi's screen; naturally, Ranma had called collect.   
Gosunkugi should have noticed the blinking yellow light, but he  
was otherwise occupied. Worried.  
  
"Hi," Ranma said, opening the door to the apartment without  
knocking. Gosunkugi jumped, landing on his feet facing Ranma.  
  
"Hi," Akane said, walking in after him. "Umm, nice place."  
  
"Whoa. You never said you had someone with you," Gosunkugi  
said.  
  
"Surprise?" Ranma said lamely. "Come on, Gos. I need to  
hide her out here for awhile. It'll only be a day. And I want  
to cash that favor in."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"A whole bunch of Ministry guys are after us. I need you to  
fiddle with the Ministry of Data's records and get us erased."  
  
"WHOA! NO WAY!" Gosunkugi said. "Out. Get OUT of my  
house. The last thing I need is some MoP goons coming in here  
with guns and blowing me away. The next to the last thing I need  
is to lose my job tampering with Data's data! No, no no!"  
  
"Gos, you OWE me. Think of all those magic books I found  
for you, the ones that hadn't been destroyed yet."  
  
"Big deal, none of them work," Gosunkugi said. "Give me one  
good reason why I should do this for you."  
  
"Because if you don't, she might die," Ranma said, pointing  
to Akane. "Let me introduce you. Tomboy Akane Saotome, this is  
Gosunkugi Hikaru, Ministry of Data Biogen Director."  
  
"Pleased to meet you and it's just AKANE TENDO, Ranma,"  
Akane said, bowing to Gosunkugi and punching Ranma across the jaw  
simultaneously.  
  
"P... pleased to meet you two," Gosunkugi stammered,  
returning a lame bow. "You're going to... die?"  
  
"It's a chance. I don't know why, but I'm being chased by  
just about every person in Tokyo," Akane said. "Ranma the Baka  
here thinks that you can save me... can you?"  
  
Gosunkugi just stared. He had seen plenty of Akane  
extenders in his time, but this one seemed... different... she  
carried herself with much more than other clones did. What was  
carried was unclear... pride? Arrogance? Some sort of sentience  
beyond the curt smile and nod of other Akane extenders.  
  
And so kawaii...  
  
"For you? Anything!" Gosunkugi said. "I wouldn't want to  
see anybody die. Akane, right? Okay. I'll help you save Akane,  
Ranma. No problem. Well, one problem."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't think it would work," Gosunkugi said. "Sure, you  
could evade the cameras and robotic lookouts around the city by  
not having any descriptive data to match up to, but when a  
Ministry wants someone, they typically get them. The data is  
just used as a backup when they can't find you. Missing records  
are easy to spot and can be replaced, too..."  
  
"But it would HELP, right?" Ranma asked.  
  
"It might, for a short period of time. It'd be tricky; I  
can't do it myself. The only way to do it would be through  
Mousse, the Director of Data, and I'm afraid he's fairly  
inaccessible."  
  
"You told me not three days ago that you reported to him  
every day!"  
  
"Reporting and asking someone to break the law for you are  
two different things," Gosunkugi said. "Look, Ranma, this is my  
job we're talking about. My livelihood... and other things. I  
can't lose my position there because you want a favor."  
  
"I thought so," Akane said, downfallen. "Ranma, come on.   
We've got other people we could talk to. We shouldn't trouble  
your friend like this. Thank you anyway, Gosunkugi."  
  
"Akane, whoa, wait a minute. Trouble? Who said anything  
about trouble?" Gosunkugi asked. "There's some trouble, yes, but  
trouble and trouble are two different things. Akane, just say  
the word, I'll try, no, do it for you. Really."  
  
"Err... do it?" Akane asked, confused at Gosunkugi's  
reaction.  
  
"It is done, think no more. Come on, Akane, we've got an  
appointment with the Director of Data!"  
  
"Hey, what about me?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I guess you could tag along too," Gosunkugi said.  
  
*  
  
Ranma grumbled, walking along the streets of Tokyo. He had   
hoped that Gosunkugi would pick a more subtle route instead of a  
direct path to the Ministry of Data building. What was WITH the  
guy today?  
  
The Gosunkugi Ranma knew was a nebbishly, whining, little  
cog of a man. He thought of little more than his work and his  
strange obsession with the occult, and said very little to Ranma  
beyond the obligatory thank-yous for the magic books Ranma was  
able to find.  
  
This Gosunkugi was different. Infinitely more annoying,  
Ranma thought, the way he's babbling and carrying on about his  
work at the Ministry of Data. Why, though? Was it because of  
Akane?  
  
No.  
  
It COULDN'T be that. How could it be? Akane was a total  
and complete tomboy, how would anybody get into some mad puppy  
dog love over HER? How could she of all people turn Gosunkugi's  
personality completely around?  
  
"That's very interesting," Akane said, a straight line for  
Gosunkugi's spiel.  
  
"Yeah, isn't it?" Gos replied. "I mean, it's kind of fun.   
I hold total power of all the projects at the Ministry of Data  
Biogen department. I decide what gets the funding, and I decide  
what to report to the higher-ups on the 17th floor. It's  
fascinating work, really, and puts me in a prime position to  
gather information. Sort of like an eye over the Ministry."  
  
"So is there any word on why we're being chased?" Ranma  
asked.  
  
"Not really," Gosunkugi said. "I think that really only one  
of the Ministries is truly interested in Akane here. The others  
are just interested in what makes her so interesting. She is an  
interesting person, you know."  
  
"Really," Ranma said coldly.  
  
"If you two have time, I could run her through the scanners  
at Biogen. Maybe I could find out what it is about her that  
makes her so important. It doesn't take very long, just a simple  
medical examination and scan..."  
  
"We don't have time," Ranma said.  
  
"Yes we do, Ranma," Akane said. "Gosunkugi said we'd be  
safe once he got us through the MoD security. Gosunkugi could  
hide us there if we needed it."  
  
"Certainly!" Gosunkugi said. "The Ministry is surprisingly  
lacking in security, considering what we do. No video cameras.   
I suspect you could hang out in my office until the coast is  
clear, Akane..."  
  
"No thanks," Ranma said. "I just want to get us erased and  
have that be that. Maybe we can go back to the dojo and live in  
peace."  
  
"Akane's living at your dojo?" Gosunkugi asked.  
  
"Of course. My idiot dad got us engaged."  
  
"ENGAGED?!" Gosunkugi asked, gaping. "Ah... aah... Akane,  
you're engaged to Ranma?"  
  
"More or less," Akane said without emotion.  
  
"That... well, I suppose that all depends on how you feel  
about it," Gosunkugi said.  
  
"Ha. Trust me, we're NOT going to get married," Akane  
replied.  
  
"I second that," Ranma nodded. "Who would want to marry a  
maniac like her, anyway?"  
  
"I am NOT a maniac!" Akane yelled, turning around to punch  
Ranma in the stomach. Ranma doubled over, stumbled, but regained  
his footing.  
  
Gosunkugi watched, not believing his eyes. The proverbial  
Venus on the Half Shell was married to RANMA? And Ranma didn't  
even appreciate this?  
  
It was simply too horrible to think about. He'd have to see  
if there was anything he could do to help Akane out, after he was  
done helping her out.  
  
*  
  
"...I think your wife will appreciate what you've done  
today," Gosunkugi whispered to the Ministry of Data door guard.   
"She'd hate to think you were impolite to a friend's request.   
She'd also hate to hear about Miss Sanders and the grapefruit."  
  
"Just get inside, Gosunkugi," the guard said. "Out of my  
face and don't ask me to do you any favors again."  
  
"We're clear, gang," Gosunkugi said. "Akane, stay behind  
me. If I lead the way we should do fine. Ranma, you can wait  
out here if you'd like..."  
  
"No thanks," Ranma said.  
  
The trio walked into the revolving door, and into the lobby  
of the Ministry of Data.  
  
The building itself was rather shabby. Unlike the other  
Ministries, Data got minimal funding for redecoration and upkeep;  
where the money had run out, homemade cures could be found. Duct  
tape sealed up rips in the tattered yellow carpet. The walls had  
recently gotten half a paint job to cover up some unsightly  
graffiti which read, somewhat covered, as MOD BLOWS MY BIG FA.   
Even the information and help desk had been pilfered from a local  
high school, complete with teacher's podium bolted to the side.  
  
"Sorry about the mess," Gosunkugi admitted. "I'm afraid we  
get the short end of the stick when it comes to budget... I can't  
figure out why, considering that the work we do is what supplies  
the other Ministries with the information they need."  
  
"Street opinion is that you half of you folks are a bunch of  
shut in nerds," Ranma said. "And the other half are Dr.  
Frankenstein wanna-bes."  
  
"Don't be insulting, Ranma," Akane said.  
  
"He's right for the most part," Gosunkugi said. "I know  
people here who haven't seen sunlight in days. It's usually the  
Biogens who get the worst work shifts... demand is nice and high  
for extenders, despite the cost. They're practically replacing  
the population, person by person. That kind of volume means OO."  
  
"OO?" Akane asked.  
  
"Obligatory overtime."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"No, OO. Like a monkey. We'd better get moving; elevator  
is this way."  
  
*  
  
The glass elevator slid up the side of the building. Ranma  
hung near the back; the last thing he wanted was the be spotted  
by some Ministry of Peace assault helicopter. The glass did not  
look bulletproof, and kempo was only so good against armored  
airships.  
  
"You two are going to have to be absolutely quiet when we  
reach the 17th floor," Gosunkugi warned them, in a low, mousy  
voice. "If I recall, they're holding the Core War championships  
up there tonight."  
  
"The what?" Akane asked.  
  
"Core War. It's like viruses for sport, two computers  
networked together, trying to crash each other. A true test of  
coding ability. Our current champion is defending her title, and  
she really, really doesn't like anybody interfering. I think  
we'll be fine if we don't make any noise on our way to Mousse's  
office."  
  
"Who's the champion?"  
  
"Shhh! We're there!" Gosunkugi loudly whispered, as the  
doors slid open silently to the clack of keys.  
  
Gos peeked inside to make sure the coast was clear, and  
motioned for the two to follow. Akane nodded and tiptoed in,  
followed by Ranma.  
  
Ranma examined the poorly lit room around him. It rivalled  
the Tokyo Library's Reader Room is size; dozens and dozens of  
terminals, with power cables and networking apparatus snaking  
around like a fifty mile noodle. Only two of these computers  
were occupied, however.  
  
Ranma couldn't make out the one at the far end of the room,  
only able to see that it was on by the pale blue glow of a CRT  
tube. The one nearby was occupied and clicking away madly,  
reaching WPMs around two hundred at least.  
  
The oddly-dressed girl stared at her screen, unblinking,  
eyes narrowed in anger as the ASCII of program code slid by like  
a glacier. Her long purple hair wasn't showing any signs of  
sweat, but her forehead gleamed with a shininess that matched her  
ornamental hair baubles. She was too deep into her activity to  
notice Ranma's stares. Woman and machine were one, or at least  
two that were close enough to be mistaken for one.  
  
Gosunkugi tugged at Ranma's arm, urging him on. Ranma  
turned away from the girl and continued, up to the large yellow  
door marked MOUSSE, DIRECTOR OF DATA.  
  
*  
  
Gosunkugi shut the door behind him after pulling his newly  
found friends into the room. He exhaled at last, relieved to be  
out of the arena.  
  
"Director Mousse?" he asked, not sure how to approach the  
subject.  
  
"Yes, what is it?" Mousse asked, turning around in his  
swivel chair. Ranma was surprised a boy so young had managed to  
run one of the four greatest political entities in the city;  
Mouse couldn't be more than twenty, with boyish glasses and long  
hair. He dropped a three ring binder he was reading from and  
peered at the newcomers.  
  
"I see you've brought friends," Mousse noted, making a  
strenuous effort to focus on them. "Taking a tour?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid it's more serious than that," Gosunkugi  
said. "I need some assistance with the files. Specifically the  
citizen database for the security network. These two are special  
cases which require immediate attention."  
  
"Okay. You two step up to my desk and press your thumbs  
against the screen," Mousse said, turning his desk computer  
towards the two blobs in his vision. Ranma and Akane stepped up  
and hesitantly planted a digit on the screen, leaving behind a  
perfect grease replica of two thumbs. The computer analyzed  
this, wiped it away with a quick swipe of a robotic arm, and data  
flowed freely from the source.  
  
Mousse snapped a lens on an arm between him and the screen,  
added concavity assisting his vision.  
  
"Ranma Saotome and Tomboy Akane Saotome," Mousse nodded.  
  
"You had that LEGALLY REGISTERED?" Akane asked Ranma,  
shocked.  
  
"No! Really!" Ranma said. "I guess, I don't know, someone  
must have overheard and entered it. It would be the only way to  
use the cameras to find you."  
  
"Ranma. Akane," Mousse mused, digging through his memory.   
"Ranma, Akane, Ranma, Ak... oh... no."  
  
"Oh no?" Gosunkugi asked, growing alarmed. "Why oh no?   
What's oh no?"  
  
"You're those two!" Mousse said, turning to face the pair  
with a quick swivel of the chair. "YOU'RE those two waywards  
that caused the whole mess tonight. You're Ranma Saotome and  
Tomboy Akane Saotome!"  
  
"Boss, I think I'd better exp--"  
  
"Quiet, Gos," Mousse said. "My god. Do you two realize the  
RISK you took coming here? Kodachi's just about ready to grab  
you two and roast you over an open fire! And Nabiki...  
Gosunkugi, what the hell are you doing bringing these two here?   
Don't you know how much trouble you've just put the Ministry of  
Data into?"  
  
"Sir, I asked Gosunkugi to do this," Akane said. "If what  
you're saying is true, I stand a strong chance of getting killed.   
If you can delete our data from the records, we could be able to  
find a good hiding place without detection and survive."  
  
"No. No way. Tampering with the data is bad enough, but  
ticking off two of the most deadly Ministries around in the  
process is just... unthinkable! Saotome, I've got a tricky  
enough job as is. I'm sitting on the largest stockpile of  
information in the world and have the lamest security known to  
man because I don't warrant any more in the government's eyes.   
To openly invite strife like this could mean the end of my career  
and possibly my life. NO. If I was in my right mind I'd turn  
you two in right now and get some respect in this ridiculous  
excuse for a government!"  
  
"Buddy, you so much as even TRY that--" Ranma started,  
cracking his knuckled.  
  
"Whoa, whoa," Gosunkugi said. "Alright, Ranma, Akane, go  
outside. I'll handle this."  
  
"But--"  
  
"And be QUIET out there!" Gosunkugi said, pushing the two  
out the door and closing it. He turned to face Mousse.  
  
"Gosunkugi, where was your mind?" Mousse asked. "What would  
possibly convince you to try something like this? You're damn  
lucky we're friends, or you'd be up the creek."  
  
"Mousse, I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me  
no choice," Gosunkugi said. "If you don't do this for Akane, I'm  
going to have to let the press know about you and Shampoo."  
  
Mousse's face fell. "You wouldn't. Gosunkugi, are you  
considering blackmailing me?"  
  
"I am, yes. This is very, very important to me, Mousse.   
Important enough for me to tell the press how you're harassing  
one of your employees every day and exhibiting behavior  
unbecoming of a government official--"  
  
"I'm in therapy! Honest! I've been trying my hardest to  
ignore the beautiful Shampoo..." Mousse said, the name evoking  
images of wonder and joy. "Ah, Shampoo... my goddess in  
purple..."  
  
"See what I mean?" Gosunkugi said, smiling smugly. So  
rarely did he get to stick it to a superior; now he was reveling  
in it.  
  
Mousse shook his head clear. "I'm lucky she hasn't filed  
suit yet. She decides to beat me up on a regular basis instead,  
which isn't much more fun, but at least it's not as public. If I  
could just beat her ONCE at that silly programming game, maybe  
I'd have a chance to make her my wife... Still, it's a bad  
situation, Gosunkugi. If I do this for you, the Ministry of  
Peace will notice. Kodachi might turn it into a power play and  
successfully destroy us. But if I don't, I'll be in all the  
tabloids for months. Either way, I lose my job, livelihood and  
chance at her..."  
  
"How about this," Gosunkugi offered. "At least scramble  
Ranma and Akane's data. Scramble it enough to keep them safe.   
You can claim anything you want, data error, hard drive crash,  
whatever. It'll buy them some time to flee and you'll be in the  
clear, and nobody will have to know about your crush."  
  
"It's more than a crush," Mousse said. "It's love. She may  
not love me back, but it's complete and unconditional in her  
direction... of course, why am I telling you? You're not exactly  
a stud muffin yourself. You can't relate."  
  
Actually, I can, Gosunkugi thought to himself. "Scramble it  
for me, Mousse. It's not THAT much to ask. I'll take the flak  
if anybody manages to prove it wasn't an accident."  
  
"Okay, okay, I'll do it," Mousse said. "Sheesh. Gosunkugi,  
for someone the office toadies usually refer to as the Mystical  
Magical Wimp, you know how to play hardball with dark forces."  
  
"I have a good tutor," Gosunkugi said.  
  
*  
  
"I hope he manages to convince Mousse to do it," Akane  
whispered, lower than a whispering wind.  
  
"He might. After all, the guy's ga-ga for you," Ranma  
breathed back.  
  
"What do you mean by that?"  
  
"I mean what I mean. Poor sop, he's all idol-crazed about  
you. Kind of funny, in a way."  
  
"That's not true!" Akane said, raising her voice slightly.   
"He's just trying to be nice. He doesn't want to see me dead  
either. Do you?"  
  
"What? Of course not!" Ranma said. "I don't approve of  
ninety percent of what this government does. I don't buy that  
crap about you being a safety hazard. Something's going on here  
and I want to know what it is."  
  
"Then why didn't you accept Gosunkugi's offer to scan me?"  
  
"He's giving me the creeps, that's why," Ranma said. "I can  
find the truth on my own, anyway. Besides, I think he just  
wanted the chance to see you in one of those hospital nighties  
that opens up in the back."  
  
"Why, you--"  
  
"You two quiet now," the girl at the computer terminal  
ordered, eyes never leaving the screen. "I busy!"  
  
Akane shut up promptly, but cast a final evil glance at  
Ranma. Ranma didn't bother returning it.  
  
Gosunkugi walked out of Mousse's office, cheap lamps  
spilling light into the combat computer area momentarily.   
Gosunkugi flashed the two kids a thumbs up through the blue haze  
of the two computer monitors, and pointed to the elevator.  
  
Ranma turned around and started for the elevator. It would  
have been a straight, unwavering path right to safety if it  
wasn't for the power cable.  
  
The cable, already out of place from being walked over on  
the way in, snagged over Ranma's shoe. Ranma wobbled around,  
trying to regain his balance, and succeeded; at the loss of the  
cord's attachment to a wall socket.  
  
The blue aura of the computer monitor in front of the girl  
snapped off in less than a second. It took her three seconds to  
notice.  
  
Gosunkugi let out a silent scream, already buggy eyes  
bugging out even more. The girl reached out to her right and hit  
a light switch, illuminating the computer room with harsh,  
painful yellow lighting. Across the room, whoever was  
challenging the girl was throwing a small celebration.  
  
"You crash Shampoo's computer," the girl said, pointing an  
accusatory finger at Ranma, not unlike pointing a sniper's rifle  
at a political figure. "You make Shampoo LOSE!"  
  
"Err..." Ranma offered. "Sorry?"  
  
"SHAMPOO DEFEATED BY YOU!" Shampoo growled. "You crash  
Shampoo's computer and ruin Shampoo's chance at championship!"  
  
Shampoo hopped out of her chair, charging across the room in  
blind rage. Ranma pushed Akane out of the way, and braced  
himself for  
  
A kiss.  
  
Ranma blinked, not sure how this girl got attached to his  
mouth. His arms flailed around wildly, trying to land in the  
general area of her shoulders; finally implanting, he pushed her  
away.  
  
"You I marry!" Shampoo cheered.  
  
"Oh god, no, no," Gosunkugi moaned. "This can't be  
happening... Ranma, we've gotta get out of here before Mousse--"  
  
"MARRY?!!" Mousse screamed from his office. The yellow door  
blow outward with the force of sheer anger, Mousse outlined  
evilly by his desk lamp, a puke colored aura of hate. "MARRY?   
RAAAANMMAAAA! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SHAMPOO-CHAN?!?!?!!"  
  
"Erg?" Ranma said.  
  
"For that, you'll PAY!" Mousse yelled, charging across the  
room, a pair of gigantic twin maces appearing in his hands,  
seemingly from nowhere. He clearly was agitated; he didn't even  
bother putting on his glasses before running into the room.   
Ranma dropped into a defensive posture, kempo training kicking  
in, but Mousse ran right by him, slamming into the wall on the  
other side of the room, HARD.  
  
"RUN!" Gosunkugi suggested, wildly stumbling his way across  
the lab. Akane shoved Ranma along, until all three were in the  
elevator.  
  
"Ranma darling!" Shampoo fawned, also jogging along after  
them. Gosunkugi rapidly slammed the DOOR CLOSE button, and the  
doors snapped closed on the crazed girl, ending the mayhem.  
  
"Oh jeez, oh jeez, this is bad," Gosunkugi said. "Ranma,  
what did you think you were DOING back there?!"  
  
"I'd like to know that as well," Akane said. "Honestly, you  
were all over her! It was disgusting!"  
  
"For your information, she was all over ME," Ranma said.   
"Why did she do that, anyway? I was expecting a fight, not a  
death embrace."  
  
"Don't you know where she's from?" Gosunkugi asked, as the  
floors streamed by. "Joketsuzoku! The Chinese Silicon Valley!   
She's one of a slew of amazon programmers, just like Mousse."  
  
"Chinese Silicon Valley? That's a joke, right?"  
  
"It's not a joking matter. According to her village law, if  
an outsider defeats her at coding, she has two options,"  
Gosunkugi recited. "If the miscreant is female, she gets killed.   
If male, he gets married."  
  
"You mean I just got engaged to a maniac programmer from  
China?!" Ranma asked.  
  
"You're already engaged to me, you can't do that," Akane  
said. "It's not right."  
  
"With any luck, Mousse scrambled your data before he heard  
that," Gosunkugi said. "Still, I think we might be looking at a  
fully armed battalion in the lobby."  
  
"HUH?"  
  
"Don't let ANYBODY know this, and I mean that," Gosunkugi  
said, "But Mousse kinda... umm... wants Shampoo. If it looks  
like you want her, he's going to want you dead. I bet he's on  
the phone with Kodachi now. No... scratch that."  
  
"We're safe?"  
  
"No, he's probably already made the call. Look down there,  
lots and lots of nice red battle vehicles pulling up to the lobby  
doors. Man, Kodachi doesn't kid around..."  
  
"We're doomed. Great," Akane grumped. "We're doomed and  
you have another fiancee, all because you're too clumsy to step  
OVER a cable instead of under it. She'll be the world's fastest  
widow, at least."  
  
"I couldn't see!" Ranma protested. "If I had known it was  
there I never would have tripped, obviously. You can't blame me  
for poor lighting."  
  
"I can for poor eyesight."  
  
"Can you two PLEASE not do this now?" Gosunkugi asked. "I'm  
having a hard time preparing to meet my maker with you two  
arguing!"  
  
"Why is this happening to me?" Ranma asked the ceiling.   
"Why? What did I do? Three hours ago I was a perfectly happy  
wanna-be historian and excellent butt-kicker, and now I'm a  
fugitive from justice that's going to get one of my best friends  
and a perfectly nice girl killed!"  
  
"Perfectly nice?" Akane asked, surprised. It wasn't a mean  
surprised, but a confused surprised.  
  
"It's all happening and I haven't the foggiest idea why,"  
Ranma continued. "Just once, I'd like to rip by that ridiculous  
veil of government secrets and propaganda and see what's going  
on. WHY any of this is happening, why I'm being hunted by all  
the Ministries, why the MoS is cleaning up crime instead of  
trash, why anything is happening. At least I could die for a  
reason."  
  
"Best of luck," Gosunkugi scowled. "I've been working for  
this government all my life and I still only know 90% of the  
picture. You'll never find out in five floor's time, trust me."  
  
"If I had it to do again, I'd pay more attention to figuring  
out the why the world works this way instead of bitching about  
how it's not working right," Ranma said, kicking the elevator  
wall. "Looks like I'm not gonna get that chance. Akane, look,  
I'm sorry this happened... I only wanted to keep you from getting  
hurt..."  
  
"Don't be sorry," Akane said. "You tried your best. If we  
do die... Ranma... thanks for that try. It meant a lot."  
  
"Aw, man, I can see the tanks!" Gosunkugi said, pointing out  
of the glass elevator to the incoming swarm of red vehicles.   
"Look at the bastards, they're not even shooting us, despite  
being easy targets. They're waiting until we land so it'll be  
especially messy. GOD, I hate the Ministries."  
  
"You think they'll really kill us?" Akane asked.  
  
"I wouldn't doubt it," Gosunkugi nodded. "That's Ministry  
of Peace down there. They want you dead, Ranma. They don't care  
about live capture, like the Ministry of Economics would for  
their precious data. They want to smear you across the landscape  
and keep Nabiki from completing her work. That's politics in  
action for you."  
  
"Chairwoman Nabiki's work?" Ranma asked. "What work?   
Dammit, Gosunkugi, you said you *didn't* know what was going on!"  
  
"Well, I do, surprise," Gosunkugi said, sharing Ranma's  
disgust. "Bottom floor, sayonara Saotome. It's been real."  
  
Ding!  
  
The elevator doors snapped open.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.3  
Private use only  
 


	4. 4

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 4  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Ding!  
  
The elevator doors snapped open.  
  
"Think fast!" a voice called, as the grey object zipped  
through the air towards Ranma. He caught it instinctively before  
realizing it was in fact a large rifle.  
  
"MY GOD! HE'S GOT A GUN!" a nearby bystander called,  
reading from a script. "How's that?"  
  
"Perfect. Okay, boys, open fire!" the Ministry of Peace  
officer said, sitting back to watch the splatterfest.  
  
Ranma grabbed both Akane and Gosunkugi and hit the deck,  
trying to keep them covered as screaming hot lead ripped through  
the air above them, reducing the glass elevator's walls to fine  
powder. Bullets went zipping into the street, embedding  
themselves into the road, into the walls, into bystanders. Glass  
tinkled like wind chimes when it was given a chance, and simply  
fell to the ground with a poof otherwise. Ranma saw a flash of  
red shortly before blacking out...  
  
After half a minute of firing, the soldiers ran out of ammo.   
The captain stared at the elevator, wondering why where weren't  
any suspicious bloodstains or bodies.  
  
"How could you MISS?!" he asked, scolding his soldiers. A  
few shuffled their boots, embarrassed. "Hurry up and retarget,  
you morons! They're--"  
  
The officer turned back to the elevator, which was now  
devoid of people. Unoccupied. His heart sank, fear rising and  
adrenaline pumping. Kodachi was NOT going to like this. With  
luck, he might not be brought to her for debriefing in the usual  
way.  
  
Unless...  
  
"YOU!" he said, pointing to the nearest officer. "Weren't  
you in charge of gun calibration? How could you not notice that  
ALL of the guns were maligned?"  
  
"B... but I wasn't told to do any calibration..." the  
soldier stammered, unprepared for the accusation.  
  
"Yes you were, and these men here will back me up on this,  
right?" the officer asked, turning to the other men. They nodded  
vigorously, recognizing a proven Ministry of Peace Pain Evasion  
Tactic. "You've failed in your duty to your country. Gentlemen,  
arrest that man and have him delivered the usual way."  
  
"No! Please!" the solider begged, before the nearest six  
guys tackled him to the ground.  
  
The officer let out a sigh of relief. When it doubt, pass  
the blame. It was the only way to stay alive in this Ministry  
for more than a month.  
  
"And will someone go grab that umbrella?" the soldier asked,  
pointing to the only object left in the elevator. "We might need  
it for evidence."  
  
*  
  
Ryouga wheezed, dumping his load of bodies in the alley.   
Even for a man of his strength, three people was quite a  
burden... especially one that was awake and protesting.  
  
"About TIME you put me down," Gosunkugi grumbled. "Who are  
you, anyway? Ministry of Data?"  
  
"Freelance now," Ryouga said. "You're VERY lucky I managed  
to open my umbrella and toss it in there before they hit you.   
You and Akane would be dead otherwise."  
  
"You mean to tell me that you have a bulletproof umbrella?   
What are you, James Bond?"  
  
"HAD a bulletproof umbrella. I had to leave it behind to  
get you three out," Ryouga said. "That took me years to make,  
you know."  
  
"I feel your loss. Can I go home now?" Gosunkugi said.  
  
"Depends. Which one of you is the human that Akane was seen  
with earlier?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"That would be him," Gosunkugi said, pointing to the  
fitfully sleeping Ranma. "Ranma Saotome."  
  
"Ranma Saotome?" Ryouga asked. "Okay, then, I don't need  
you. Go away."  
  
Gosunkugi didn't need much more coercion than that. He bid  
a silent farewell to Akane and took off running.  
  
Ryouga watched him leave to make sure he wouldn't be  
followed, scooped up the snoozing pair and hiked off into the  
night.  
  
*  
  
"AAUAUUGUUAUAUAUUUHHHH NO NO AAUUU--" the scapegoat soldier  
screamed, voice cut short as Kodachi closed the door to the  
chamber behind her.  
  
"I can explain, Commander of the Peace," the humiliated  
commanding officer said, in his most grovelling tone. "See, umm,  
we THOUGHT we hit them, but I guess the fool in there had  
sabotaged our weapons or something--"  
  
"Relax, corporal, I know the story," Kodachi said, toying  
with the pockmarked umbrella in her hand. "For your own ego,  
don't worry, you hit them square on the mark. Something was in  
the way, though."  
  
"What, that umbrella?" the officer asked. "Don't be silly,  
we've got the strongest ammo allowed by law. How could a bamboo  
umbrella stop a few dozen guns?"  
  
"It's not a normal umbrella," she said. "It belongs to a  
particular Ryouga extender, one without a real name. You've done  
well, corporal."  
  
"B... but they got away!"  
  
"Are you arguing with my review of your performance?"  
Kodachi asked. "Would you rather I say you're disgraced this  
Ministry and have you debriefed like your friend?  
  
Kodachi opened the door a crack, letting the previously  
soundproofed wails out for a mere moment to let the point sink  
in.  
  
"No! No. Thank you for your approval," the officer begged.   
"But still... if you don't mind me asking... if they've escaped,  
how is it good?"  
  
"They haven't escaped," Kodachi said, closing the door.   
"Our Ryouga Hibiki will take care of the rest."  
  
"Your judgement, as usual, is flawless, ma'am," the officer  
nodded. "Umm. But if you know that it wasn't a problem of aim,  
why continue... debriefing the munitions officer?"  
  
"Why not?" Kodachi shrugged, letting a smile play across her  
mouth. She popped the umbrella open and set it over her shoulder  
like a parasol, wandering down the hall. The officer tried to  
ignore her trademarked insane laugh as she faded from view.  
  
*  
  
Somewhere, deep in the subterranean levels of Tokyo, a room  
was being redecorated.  
  
The boys in charge of the painting couldn't help but laugh.   
The mural was perfect; in traditional manga-art style, it was  
easy to make out the form of Kodachi Kunou getting ready to stuff  
a pie in Nabiki's face, while Kasumi sits slumped against her  
with a dripping cream pie already planted on the top of her head.  
  
And below it, in perfect english lettering, the words : THE  
THREE STOOGES OF TOKYO, NYUK NYUK NYUK.  
  
"That's rich, man," one boy laughed, slapping the other on  
the back. "It's PERFECT. When do you want to launch the thing?"  
  
"Tonight sounds fine here," the slapped boy said, recovering  
from the laughs. "Good art must be shared with the masses.   
Chao, please stop trying to set the wall on fire."  
  
"I'm just trying to see if you used flammable paint," the  
boy with the lighter grumbled, pocketing it.  
  
"Of course I did. And I'd rather not have to break out the  
extinguisher again, thank you. Hey, Ryouga, how fares our  
guests?"  
  
"They're still out," Ryouga said, standing by the table they  
had laid Akane and Ranma out on to recover. "I hope they weren't  
hurt..."  
  
"I can call in a Tofu if you want," the first boy said.   
"We've got a good deal with George Tofu, half off the normal  
going rate. He sympathizes with The Cause(tm)."  
  
"Thank you, Jodan, but I wouldn't want to impose..."  
  
"No imposing!" Jodan said, waving the notion away. "You're  
good for the Ministry of Chaos, Ryouga. You can lift the heavy  
stuff. We're all total wuss-bags compared to you."  
  
"It's a knack," Ryouga said. "I think they're coming  
around. Akane, talk to me... are you hurt?"  
  
Akane's head lolled back and forth uncomfortably on the  
cheap table, trying to bring itself back to life. Ryouga leaned  
in close to see if she was breathing correctly, and was rewarded  
with a slap across the cheek.  
  
"THAT'S for kidnapping us," Akane said, eyes popping open.   
"Where are we? Where's Ranma?"  
  
Ryouga knelt where he was, stunned by the blow. Akane  
rolled over, poking the sleeping Ranma a few times. "Wake up,  
baka."  
  
"Mrprpmhh... wha... wha?" Ranma asked, looking up. "Am I  
dead?"  
  
"No," Jodan said, walking forward to greet the boy. "Ryouga  
here saved you at the last minute. Either that our you'd be  
swiss cheese city. Welcome to our home of homes."  
  
"Where are we?" Ranma asked, trying to see in the dim light  
of a single lightbulb. He pulled himself off the table,  
regaining his land legs.  
  
"Subway station 110a," Jodan said. "You're safe, don't  
panic. We're the good guys. Gentlemen, let us continue our work  
and let these three sort things out. Ryouga, you explain the  
situation to 'em, take it away."  
  
"Thanks, Jodan. I'm glad I've found you again, Akane,"  
Ryouga said. "And to think I almost lost you..."  
  
"Huh?" Akane asked, sitting up and getting off the table.  
  
"I don't think you know yet," Ryouga explained. "But I'm  
the one who helped you gain your independence. I gave you my  
immunity to the inhibitors."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"Inhibitors," Ryouga said. "Sort of like mental patches the  
Ministry of Data puts in all extenders. They prevent clones from  
breaking the law, they cover over the clone's normal personality  
and memory. Essentially, it keeps us in line."  
  
"But I'm not an extender," Akane said. "I'm Akane Tendo."  
  
"It's normal to feel a bit disoriented," Ryouga nodded. "I  
call myself Ryouga Hibiki, because I'm close enough to him to  
match. My legal name is worthless. But I'm still an extender,  
and so are you."  
  
"Wait," Ranma said. "You mean to tell me you're the one  
responsible for this mess??"  
  
"Indirectly, yeah," Ryouga nodded. "Believe me, I had no  
idea this would happen, or that you would get dragged into it,  
Ranma. Don't worry, I'll take over from here for you."  
  
"Take over?"  
  
"I'm the one who freed Akane from her mental bonds so we  
could start a new race of free extenders," Ryouga said. "I'll  
keep you safe, Akane. The Ministries will never find us down  
here."  
  
"S'cuze me, jack, but Akane happens to be engaged to ME,"  
Ranma said.  
  
"ENGAGED?" Ryouga asked. "How... how did this happen?"  
  
"It was that baka's dad who set it up," Akane said,  
pointing. "I certainly don't want to get married to a hentai  
like him."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Ryouga, look, I know you mean well," Akane said, "But I  
can't be the Akane you're looking for. I'm the original. I  
remember the Tendo Dojo, I remember my sisters, I even remember  
my mother from before she died..."  
  
"It's a side effect. It'll fade away eventually."  
  
"I don't WANT it to fade away!" Akane said. "I'm not a  
clone, you nitwit, I'm a human! A HUMAN!"  
  
"Okay, I think everybody here needs to calm down," Ranma  
said. "Ryouga, quit it with this nonsense about her being a  
clone, it's upsetting her."  
  
"I'm not upset," Akane said in an upset tone.  
  
"But it's the truth!" Ryouga said. "How can she deny the  
truth? It'd be like denying that two plus two is four."  
  
"We don't have anything to go on but your say," Ranma said.   
"I'd hardly call that conclusive. From what I've learned, you  
need to get more information than that before you can run around  
proclaiming truth."  
  
"What else COULD she be?" Ryouga asked. "She came to you in  
a crate, right? Foam peanuts? She's an extender, then. The  
real Akane died in a car bomb years ago. How could she get from  
there to here, a freak wormhole? Come on, Akane, listen to  
reason!"  
  
"I'm human!" Akane protested. "I can't be a clone!"  
  
"Bub, back off," Ranma warned. "You're really pushing it  
here."  
  
"What do you care?" Ryouga asked. "She said she didn't want  
to marry you. Do you want to marry her?"  
  
"What? No! Of course not!"  
  
"Then the matter is settled and she's mine," Ryouga said,  
holding an outstretched hand to Akane. "You've got no right to  
her, Ranma. Come on, Akane, let's go."  
  
Akane's eyes flashed red in anger, as she grabbed the table  
one handed and smashed it directly over Ryouga's head. Ryouga  
crumpled like an origami bird, crashing to the ground with the  
table over him. All eyes in the room focused on the impact,  
feeling a bit of mutual pain.  
  
"Nobody OWNS me. Got it?" Akane said, sternly. "I'm going  
to bed. It's been a HARD DAY and I don't want to hear anything  
more about this. You! Jodan. Where can I sleep?"  
  
"Uhh..." Jodan said, "Well, umm... I keep a crash room off  
to the left here--"  
  
Akane wordlessly marched out of the room, and slammed the  
makeshift door to the guest room behind her. The surviving males  
of the room looked at the door, wondering if it would explode  
from the forceful closing.  
  
"I... I think I'd better make sure she's okay," Ranma  
muttered, and carefully opened the door again.  
  
"Chao? Raph? Am I wrong, or did I just see someone clock  
the world's strongest teenager with our imitation stone table?"  
Jodan asked.  
  
"You're not wrong," Chao said. "Wow, man. Good follow  
through on that swing. She'd be good at a riot."  
  
Jodan picked his way across the room to the table, and  
lifted up a corner. "Ryouga-kun? You alive under there?"  
  
"Mmph," Ryouga replied.  
  
"He's okay!" Jodan cheered, dropping the table corner again  
to an accompanying yelp. "Come on, guys, let's get this thing  
off of him."  
  
*  
  
"He's out of his mind," Akane concluded, pacing around the  
room at a rapid pace as Ranma watched from the cot. "Completely  
out of his mind. A clone? HA! Do I look like a clone to you?"  
  
"Well--"  
  
"DO I?"  
  
"Yaah! Look, Akane, I don't know yet," Ranma said. "I'm  
not saying you are, I'm not saying you aren't, but we don't know  
enough to decide on either."  
  
"I wasn't very sure at first... since I WAS in a crate...  
but I remember it all!" Akane said. "Dad's overreacting to  
everything, Kasumi's cooking, Nabiki always getting the house out  
of debt... how could a clone know any of that?"  
  
"I don't honestly know."  
  
"This is so annoying. I wish the Ministry of Data would  
have made extenders something... more," Akane said. "Or  
something less. Just something identifying. Maybe a four year  
lifespan, or a metal endoskeleton, or no need for food and  
rest... extenders are too human to identify from the rest of the  
population. YOU could be an extender for all I know."  
  
"Yeah, right," Ranma laughed. "I've got birth records to  
prove otherwise."  
  
"Birth records!" Akane said. "That's it. If I can find my  
birth record, I'll be in the clear!"  
  
"It wouldn't work," Ranma said, shaking his head. "The  
closest an extender would have would be a purchase order. The  
only birth record you'd find would be for the original Akane  
Tendo, which doesn't prove it one way or another."  
  
"ARGH!" Akane growled in frustration. "This is the most  
confusing night of my life! I'd hate to be an extender and have  
the only night I've been alive be so perplexing."  
  
"I wish I could help, really," Ranma said. "I'm just as  
puzzled as you are. I'm almost willing to turn myself into the  
Ministry of Peace. I might be horribly tortured and maimed, but  
at least I'd know WHY."  
  
Akane looked horrified. "Ranma, don't SAY things like  
that."  
  
"Relax, I'm not going to," Ranma smirked. "Besides, why  
would you care?"  
  
"Well... I wouldn't," Akane said. "I mean, I wouldn't for  
you as a person, but to have any hu... living thing to die is  
awful, right? Right."  
  
"Thought so," Ranma said. "In that case, I'd hate for you  
as a person to get caught, but you yourself can go off with  
Ryouga for all I care."  
  
"Hmph. Whatever. I'm going to bed," Akane said, stretching  
out. She sat down on a nearby cot. "Extender or not, I need  
some sleep."  
  
"Err, Akane?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're on my cot," Ranma said, pointing.  
  
"It's the only cot, baka. Oh, wait... it's the only cot?"  
Akane asked, looking around. "We can't exactly both sleep on the  
same cot... it'd be... I'll take the floor."  
  
"No, don't bother," Ranma said, getting up. "I'll take the  
floor, you can have the cot. It's more restful, and you could  
use your rest. It's traditional for the guy to ride the carpet  
anyway."  
  
"What, just because I'm a girl I can't sleep on the floor?"  
Akane asked. "I'll sleep there anyway!"  
  
"Suit yourself," Ranma said, lying down carefully. "I'm too  
tired to argue. I don't want to argue anymore..."  
  
"Me either..." Akane said, relaxing on the floor. Within  
moments, both were fast asleep.  
  
*  
  
"All set," Jodan said, kicking the small robot in its  
metallic rear. "Once put into action, this little baby'll slap  
your cartoon all over the city until someone blows it up. The  
miracle of modern technology!"  
  
"And if someone does wreck it?" Chao asked.  
  
"Paintbomb," Jodan grinned. "Splooey! And with Raphael's  
famous t-shirt paint, they'll have to wash it a few thousand  
times to get the gunk out. I loaded it with a lovely vomit  
color."  
  
"I still say it should explode into a wall of flame," Chao  
said. "The little graffiti-bot looks like a bomb as is."  
  
"Chao, EVERYTHING looks like a bomb to you," Raph laughed.   
"Bombs are seventy five percent of your personality. You're  
practically a fire otaku."  
  
"I think the bastards deserve a little hot foot," Chao said.   
"Only YOU never let me."  
  
"We're not trying to get arrested, Chao, we're trying to  
play with the minds of man and have some yuks. That's what  
Ministry of Confusion is about."  
  
"And the news reports of bombs and mayhem?" Chao asked.   
"Who's doing THAT in our name if we're not? That's what we  
should be doing."  
  
"Don't ask me who's using our name in vain, I just work  
here," Jodan said. "Alright, Raph, Chao, you two deploy our  
mechanical paintbrush here. Use the number six stairwell,  
they've been poking around number three lately."  
  
"Check, boss. Come on, firebug, let's go," Raph said.   
"Start pushing. I thought we got Ryouga to carry the heavy  
stuff."  
  
"Go easy on him, huh? He's had a hard day," Jodan said.   
"Ryouga, you feeling any better?"  
  
Nothing but silence from the Hibiki sitting in the corner.   
Raph and Chao paused for a moment, shrugged, and started the long  
process of carrying the robot to the subway exit. Jodan crept  
over to Ryouga, taking a seat next to him.  
  
"Bad day?" he asked lamely.  
  
"Bad life," Ryouga said. "I can't believe I was so  
insensitive... 'She's Mine'. What was I thinking, Jodan?"  
  
"Ryouga, you yourself said the point of being a inhibitor-  
free extender was to be able to pick your own destiny," Jodan  
reminded him. "You can't expect Akane to go along with  
everything you say because you helped her into independence.   
Maybe with a normal inhibited Akane you could... all the Akane  
extenders I've seen are extra-nice and inoffensive."  
  
"I know why, too," Ryouga said. "The inhibitors we put in  
Akanes cover up her original personality. Her clone base had an  
incredibly strong personality, we needed Ryouga model plugs to  
keep it in check."  
  
"I can see why you're so pissed off about the whole extender  
situation. You've had to deal with it on a daily basis."  
  
"Tell me about it. My job is to butcher people. We're  
turning out a hundred clones a year, and going out of our way to  
make them different in an identical way. It's awful. What're  
they trying to do?"  
  
"Me, I don't worry," Jodan said. "Government is as  
government does. The Ministry of Economics will start a strike  
force to eliminate theft one day and the janitors will handle  
murder cases the next. Maybe tomorrow the Ministry of Data will  
start selling ice cream. It's one big-ass Ministry of Confusion.   
I gotta thank whoever coined that term; it's made a wonderful  
rallying cry against everything that sucks in Tokyo."  
  
"But you don't DO any rallying against it!" Ryouga said.   
"You paint stupid drawings on the walls, you run propaganda  
flyers, you egg the Ministry of Peace. None of that is making a  
difference."  
  
"Ryouga, we're punks," Jodan said. "Jokers. We're not the  
terrorists the news claims we are and never wanted to be. We're  
just trying to have fun at some higher-ups expense. We could  
never change the situation even if we wanted to, so we're just  
enjoying it. Now lighten up a little, eh? We're housing and  
feeding you, you know."  
  
"I know, I know. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay. Now, you've got more pressing needs. What're  
you going to do about Akane? You made the situation, you need to  
handle it. It's obvious she's attached to Ranma already."  
  
"No she isn't. She said she wasn't," Ryouga stated.  
  
"Read between the lines, man. Why would Ranma insist that  
you stop badgering her? If they didn't care one iota for each  
other Ranma wouldn't even BE here. We're not talking bodice-  
ripping rip your heart out romance of the century, but we're not  
taking the bitter hatred it looks like either."  
  
"Jodan, you're a wise man, a wiseguy in a way, but you're  
wrong," Ryouga said. "Akane is NOT in love with Ranma. It's  
just... stupid. The problem is that she's not in love with me,  
either."  
  
"Was she supposed to be?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"What, you engineered a personality plug for it?"  
  
"Ye... NO!" Ryouga yelled. "God, Jodan, how can you ACCUSE  
me of something like that? You know I hate those damn things."  
  
"Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, I take it back. Why would you  
expect her to love you, though?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe because I love her?" Ryouga asked. "I  
can't help it. It's weird, I've worked with Akane extenders all  
my life, but I never thought one particular one would stick out  
from the bunch and send me spinning like this..."  
  
"My suggestion is to tell her that," Jodan said.  
  
"I'll go wake her up."  
  
"No! No, Ryouga, you fool, TIMING. Timing is the key to  
any joke," Jodan said. "Not now. Wait until the moment presents  
itself. Make sure Ranma's not around, too. If you're lucky, and  
she feels the same way deep down, you'll be okay."  
  
"And if I'm unlucky?"  
  
"Don't think about the unlucky. Just roll with it," Jodan  
suggested, making a little wave motion with his hand. "Rock on  
and see how things turn out. Passive is the only way to go."  
  
"Alright. I'll give it a shot... later. For now, Akane's  
right, it has been a long day. Where can I crash?"  
  
"Use Chao's room," Jodan offered. "Down the tunnel there  
and to the right. Mind the ashes, they're slippery. Boy's got a  
rather one dimensional personality, bless his soul."  
  
*  
  
So, the late hours of night descended upon Tokyo.  
  
Far below the surface, the members of the Ministry of  
Confusion practical joke club slept soundly, Chao snoozing on the  
living room table as a result of room displacement. Nothing  
stirred; the ancient trains in the tunnels beyond made no sounds.   
Even the rats were asleep.  
  
A lone figure was not stirring, but he wasn't asleep either.   
Moving with a gliding step that rivaled the wind, the man made  
his way to the crash room, to Akane. His intentions were not the  
purest.  
  
Specifically, he was going to kill her.  
  
His intentions were clear; Tomboy Akane Saotome was to die,  
as well as Ranma Saotome. He knew what he had to do.  
  
Turning the knob slowly, as not to scrape the metals  
together enough to make a sound, he opened the door to the crash  
room. In the bad lighting, he made out the two sleeping victims.   
He decided on Akane first.  
  
The killer took the pillow from the unused cot, and knelt  
down to push it over her face. A few minutes would be all it  
took, if he wanted to.  
  
Didn't he want to?  
  
The killer paused, pillow mere inches from Akane's sleeping  
form. He was going to, of course, in the end, but the matter of  
want was questionable. Did he genuinely want this? It didn't  
matter of course, since he was supposed to do it anyway, but he  
didn't know he didn't want to.  
  
He didn't want to. The killer thought about this, trying to  
hear some far off sound that was screaming no to him. He  
considered ignoring it, but they hadn't killed his curiosity;  
nothing said he couldn't examine this noise before killing them.  
  
The man walked out of the crash room, pillow in hand, trying  
to trace the noise. It was distant, but he couldn't pinpoint the  
direction. He turned his head experimentally to track the  
panning, but there was no change. Perhaps it was directly above  
him? Directly below?  
  
No, it's inside you.  
  
The man reeled, trying to figure out where that sudden,  
crisp voice can from. He didn't notice the figure creeping up on  
him until it was too late; the killer was pushed to the ground,  
grabbed from inside and crushed until dead...  
  
Ryouga gasped for breath, sweating. He couldn't believe  
what almost happened; he almost KILLED AKANE. What made him  
think he had to do that? He was damn lucky he noticed what he  
was doing and stopped himself before it could have happened... a  
strange stopping power, just like... the time he overrode his  
inhibitors.  
  
Damn. Kodachi. Kodachi let him go, but put something in  
his head while he was out to make him into the perfect assassin!   
Ryouga managed to destroy that new inhibitor, since had gotten  
used to the practice of stomping out mental bugfixes, but  
still... he had nearly...  
  
Ryouga dropped the pillow. What if there were more plugs in  
his head? What if Kodachi did something else to him? She more  
than likely would, since he'd easily override the first one. He  
would be a danger to his beloved Akane...  
  
It wasn't safe to be around her, but he couldn't just LEAVE  
her with that Ranma moron. What could he do?  
  
Not much. Kodachi had forced his hand; if he wanted to  
ensure her safety, he had to stay away. Ryouga muttered a silent  
curse against the Commander of the Peace and ran off. Hopefully,  
Ranma would keep her safe... until he could again.  
  
Ryouga charged out of the underground complex, in a  
completely random direction. He kept running, occasionally  
through a wall or two; he wanted to keep his distance between  
himself and Akane.  
  
Sometime soon, he promised himself, when I'm sure she'll be  
safe from me, I'll come back. Then she'll know he loved her and  
that would be that.  
  
It was only a matter of time. Ryouga lost her once and  
found her again; he could lose her once more and find her a third  
time.  
  
Now if only he could find his way out of these lousy subway  
tunnels...  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.4  
Private use only  
 


	5. 5

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 5  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
(Author's note : I've got the MoC web page up right now at  
Spatula City. To get there direct, use :  
  
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/ministry.htm  
  
Note HTM, not HTML. Thankee and on with the show.)  
  
-=-  
  
"What a bummer," Raph grumbled, kicking a rock out of the  
way of his progress down the subway tunnels.  
  
"I TOLD Jodan we should have stuck some bombs in it," Chao  
said. "I can't believe the Ministry of Sanitation found and  
blasted the bejeezus out of our paint bot that fast."  
  
"They're getting sharper at the crime game," Raph shrugged.   
"I mean, used to be we could get a few walls decorated before  
anybody noticed... this time, turn it on, it rounds a corner, and  
BOOM, blown up. How lucky for us to have two janitors standing  
nearby when we turned it on. I wish I was there so I could have  
at least seen it go, but hey, nature called..."  
  
"Oh, they weren't nearby," Chao said. "They must have been  
hiding or something; I didn't even know they were there."  
  
Raph paused. "Hiding? The janitors don't hide..."  
  
"Wiry little red suited bastards," Chao said. "Did you see  
the looks on their face when they blasted the bot? They jumped  
out of the alley, unloaded some rounds, and exchanged high fives  
with that stupid smile plastered across their mugs all the way...  
Well, of course you didn't see it, number two does take priority.   
At least the 'bot looked cool going BOOM! BLAM! KABOOM!" Chao  
made lots of wild arm gestures.  
  
"Hiding and red. Chao, pop quiz. Which color does the  
Ministry of Sanitation use?"  
  
"Red, why?"  
  
"Because you're wrong. That's Peace. Sanitation is blue."  
  
"Who cares? It's all government and ample gunfodder. The  
element of fire doesn't care what colors you wear."  
  
"I care, because very likely they started looking for the  
owner of that 'bot moments after terminating it. Chao, very  
slowly, turn your head and see if anybody's following us." Raph  
suggested, in a perfectly calm voice. "Don't make it look like  
you're looking for--"  
  
"Hey, whoa!" Chao said cheerily, spinning around and walking  
backwards. "We've got visitors!"  
  
Raph cursed Chao's naturally dense nature and grabbed his  
arm, bolting for the nearest hiding place.  
  
"Huh?" Chao asked, letting himself get tugged along.  
  
"You nitwit, they were SOLDIERS!" Raph cursed. "They  
probably trailed us all the way here. We've lead them right to  
HQ! I thought you were playing scout this time around."  
  
"Weren't you?"  
  
"Down there!" Raph pointed, diving off the platform and  
landing on the tracks. He rolled off, under the alcove and out  
of sight from the trailing soldiers, Chao scrambling behind him.  
  
"Crawl along this way," Chao pointed, "There's an access  
tube that'll lead us back to the hideout. We'll lose 'em for  
sure that way, and be able to warn Jodan they're coming."  
  
*  
  
"Excuse me, where's the subway exit?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Subway? You're in the sewer!" the sanitation worker said,  
looking at the boy with interest.  
  
"SEWER?... nevermind. Sorry to bother you," Ryouga  
apologized, setting off in the wrong direction again.  
  
*  
  
"Just our luck to bump into soldiers," Raph said, inching  
his way along the air duct. "Jodan's not gonna be happy that our  
gag messed up, or that we may have to change locations again."  
  
"Jodan will get over it," Chao offered. "He always does,  
and then bam, it's on to the next gag. Raph, don't you get sick  
of the jokes sometimes?"  
  
"How so?"  
  
"We're not really doing anything for The Cause(tm)," Chao  
said, creeping along the dark tunnel. "No massive sweeping  
uprisings, no riots, no uncovering dark truths that will forever  
stain the image of the Ministries. Nothing COOL."  
  
"Chao, we're just punks. What were you expecting?"  
  
"Now, when the Tendos took over, there were some really  
righteous uprisings. Fire and protest and lots of nightsticks.   
Remember the riots?"  
  
"Yeah. They ended a month later when we realized we were  
better off with the Tendos than we were before."  
  
"Watch it, Raph. That sounded vaguely positive."  
  
"Sorry, sorry. Yeah, I know the Ministries are starting to  
botch things up, but remember back when the Tendo administration  
was new? Back when Akane was running the MoP, not that whacked  
Kunou girl."  
  
"Yeah, I remember."  
  
"Things were going great then. We didn't have extenders, we  
weren't at war and the economy was quite prosperous," Raph said.   
"Heck, I even had some government mural jobs lined up! Where'd  
it all go wrong?"  
  
"Things fall apart," Chao suggested. "The center does not  
hold."  
  
"Whoa. That's really deep, man."  
  
"Thanks. I wrote it myself," Chao boasted.  
  
"I never really liked the extender project. Maybe that's  
what kicked this whole mess off, since it was the first time a  
Ministry did something it wasn't originally zoned to do," Raph  
mused. "Or maybe it was when Kodachi took the late Akane's slot  
and decided to invade Asia. Or maybe it was just time  
deterioration. Are you SURE you wrote that, Chao?"  
  
"Would I lie?" Chao asked. "Me, I think everything was  
screwed up from the start. Like, when man crawled out of the  
oceans kind of start. What does Jodan think?"  
  
"He doesn't think anything's screwed up," Raph said. "He  
just thinks everything's gotten sillier and much more amusing."  
  
"Sounds like something fearless leader would say. Speaking  
of which, can we please crawl faster? I'm getting  
claustrophobic."  
  
"Don't panic, the opening's just ahead," Raph said,  
pointing. "Oh, YUCK!"  
  
"What? What?"  
  
"Chao, did you just cut one? Don't light a match!"  
  
"No, I didn't!" Chao protested. "I swear! Where IS that  
smell coming fro... ahhh..."  
  
"I think I may be violently sick," Raph said, his vision  
starting to go. He groped for the air tunnel exit, a few feet  
ahead, but couldn't reach it from his position and couldn't crawl  
anymore...  
  
"Hey, cool!" Chao gurgled. "Knockout gas C-16, MoP patent  
#3526! Nonflammable, but hey WHOOOAO.... the colors..."  
  
Chao's head hit the metal airshaft floor with a thunk,  
dreaming happy little dreams of destruction and mayhem.  
  
*  
  
"Looky looky what we found!" Henry Tuttle Wataru grinned,  
pulling an arm out of the sliced-open ventilation duct. "Larry,  
get a torch over here."  
  
An identical Tuttle looked up from his paperwork, and passed  
Henry a flashlight with an underhand toss. Henry aimed the beam  
into the shaft.  
  
"Whooo! Live ones! Madam Kodachi, we've got a few more  
urchins here!"  
  
"Now you understand I want this one brought in separately  
and NOT in the usual way," Kodachi said, nudging Jodan's sleeping  
form with a bamboo umbrella. The solider she was talking to  
nodded, and hauled the boy away. Kodachi walked delicately  
through the Ministry of Confusion living room to the air grate.  
  
"Have you found something?" she asked.  
  
"Check it, miss," Henry beamed, beaming the light into the  
shaft. "Not one, but TWO terrorist yokels. These must be the  
two our lads spotted earlier. They must've been crawling home  
when we flooded the air vents with gas... didn't get real far,  
did they?"  
  
"Two more Ministry of Confusion punks. That accounts for  
all of them. Have a few of the stronger soldiers pull them out  
of there and file them up with the other one."  
  
"Usual, ma'am?"  
  
"No, not the usual," Kodachi said. "Tag them for chamber  
one."  
  
"A form 45737/a then, yes?"  
  
"Whatever suits your fancy, just make sure they're placed in  
chamber one."  
  
"Wot about the other two?" Henry said, pointing his  
clipboard to the curled up figures of Ranma and Akane, dragged  
out of the crash room by MoP soldiers. "Never woke up, those  
two. Won't they be surprised to recover in one of the chambers?   
Rude awakening, I must say--"  
  
"Ranma is to be hand-delivered to my office. Hand-delivered  
CAREFULLY. Import a table for the occasion. I'll decide what  
fun to have with him afterwards, once Nabiki is done with her  
silly experiment. He could prove to be quite enjoyable!"  
  
"Pardon, miss?"  
  
"You heard me, Tuttle. Send Ranma Saotome to my office,"  
Kodachi said. "As for Tomboy Akane Saotome, I've already filed  
the forms for her fate. You'll find them upon arrival; put her  
in chamber five and have her read and sign them."  
  
"Miss, I was under the impression we sort of wanted those  
two dead..."  
  
"You had the wrong impression," Kodachi said. "First of  
all, the Ministry of Peace does not kill wantonly. Second, we  
couldn't cover this up safely anyway, there aren't any witnesses  
around to confirm our story. Third, I could never damage a human  
as perfect as my dear Saotome-kun here. Who'd have known I'd  
bump into my mister right in a terrorist hideout?"  
  
"Odd behavior for you, miss."  
  
"Nonsense, and any further thought along those lines is  
hazardous to your health," Kodachi warned.  
  
"Right as always, miss," Henry nodded. "Alright, boys, tag  
'em and bag 'em. We've got some prisoners to ship."  
  
"I had hoped our little Ryouga clone would have taken care  
of the messy business for us," Kodachi said, contemplating the  
umbrella she was carrying around. "Oh well. I suppose it was  
worth the one-time shot at it. In the end, though, when you want  
to have something done right, you've got to do it yourself."  
  
Kodachi cast the useless umbrella aside, and followed her  
troops out of the subway, leaving the former headquarters of  
Tokyo's greatest terrorist threat empty. Empty save for one  
person watching from a grate in the ceiling, bandanna around his  
mouth to filter out the fumes.  
  
A few moments later, the grate crashed to the ground, a  
sizeable fist indentation in it, bending the unbendable metal.   
Ryouga Hibiki jumped out of the ceiling duct, grabbed his  
umbrella, and charged out the door blindly.  
  
*  
  
Akane recognized the faint strain of elevator music as she  
slowly woke up. It was very much like being in a dental office.  
  
She wasn't in the floor of the subterranean hideout anymore.   
In fact, she wasn't on the floor at all, but strapped onto a  
large red table. Completely restrained, unable to escape...  
  
"Ah, yer awake," a familiar face said, peering down at her.   
"Greets. Tuttle, Henry Tuttle Wataru. Ministry of Peace.   
You're listening to some nice synthesized Bach, and I'll be your  
torturer tonight. Any special requests before we begin?"  
  
"M... Mi... Peace?" Akane asked, trying to wake her vocal  
cords up.  
  
"I think I know wot you're thinking," Henry said, sitting  
back on his office stool, pulling out his clipboard again to take  
some notes. "Here I am, fugitive from the law, trapped in a  
debriefing room at the Ministry of Peace, most likely about to be  
tortured to death. It's quite common actually, most of the  
people we drag in here think that! Ha ha!"  
  
"Is it right?" Akane asked, deathly afraid.  
  
"Yup!" Henry grinned. "Don't worry, you're not scheduled  
for death for another three hours. Until then, it'll just be  
torture."  
  
Akane screamed inwardly, and pulled at the single-strap  
velcro bonds. The snakelike restraint didn't budge a bit, and  
scraped against her skin in the process.  
  
"Calm down, miss, it's quite normal for living things to  
die. You might say we were born for it," Henry joked. "I hope I  
can make it nice 'n easy for you though. Is my slap-happy,  
cheerful disposition helping?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well, I tried. 'course, miss, there are OTHER options than  
death. You're quite the gal, you know, a real survivor," Henry  
said, pulling a few forms off of his clipboard. "The Ministry of  
Peace is taking a special interest in you. I've got some  
downright strange orders here, you know. I'm supposed to ask how  
badly you don't want to kick the bucket, miss."  
  
"VERY BADLY!" Akane yelled. "What did you THINK I'd say?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Some of these rebel types are perfectly  
willing to go down for the cause. It's the people you meet at  
this job which really make it enjoyable," Henry said, sifting  
through forms. "Okay, you've got an option plan here. Just sign  
here, please, and we'll continue from there. You can read the  
papers after you sign." Henry placed a pen in Akane's restrained  
hand, and shuffled the clipboard around under the pen tip,  
signing her name for her.  
  
"What do I have to do?" Akane asked.  
  
"Don't know," Henry said. "The forms are for your eyes  
only. Here you go, tell me when to turn pages."  
  
Akane nodded, and started to read.  
  
*  
  
Ranma recognized the faint strain of elevator music as he  
slowly woke up. It was very much like being in a doctor's  
office.  
  
He blinked a few times, trying to get the glaze that had  
formed over his eyes to go away. He could make out a series of  
blobs, but nothing better than that.  
  
"Your experiment is so handsome, Nabiki! Can I keep him  
once you're done? I promise to feed him and keep him warm and  
safe."  
  
"Are you nuts?" a blob with a voice very similar to Mousse  
yelped, enraged. "Shampoo's productivity output has been halved  
since she bumped into him! She's too busy thinking happy little  
thoughts to work. She's also constantly telling me what a nicer,  
stronger, better man he is than I am and how she's gonna marry  
him. I thought I was going to get some revenge on Saotome once  
we're done."  
  
"Neither of you two are getting him," Nabiki concluded.   
"This is MY experiment, not yours, and I'm releasing him back to  
his father once we're done. It's only fair, considering the mess  
he's been put through. Kasumi backs me up on this."  
  
"That's right. It's bad enough he's had to be a test  
subject, but to leave him to a fate that horrible would be  
unforgivable," Kasumi nodded.  
  
"Yeah, well, I don't back you up on this and neither does  
Kodachi," Mousse said. "Two way split. He'll have to be kept  
here until we decide what to do. Easy target that way, sadly."  
  
"Oh boy!" Kodachi grinned evilly. "Ohohohoho! This could  
be fun! Ranma-kun, do you like fine leathers?"  
  
"Mousse, if you let Kodachi get him, you'll NEVER have a  
chance at revenge," Nabiki reasoned. "You think she'd let you  
hurt him?"  
  
Mousse paused. "Damn. Alright, release him, I'll deal with  
it later. Sorry, Kodachi. Ranma, are you awake yet?"  
  
"Yeah," Ranma gurgled.  
  
"Ranma darling!" Kodachi smiled, bounding over to his side.   
"Tell me, how did a cute little thing like you get mixed up with  
this horrible, horrible little accountant girl? Marry me and get  
away from all this nonsense about going home."  
  
"I think she likes you, Ranma," Kasumi smiled softly.   
"She's been talking about you ever since she brought you back to  
us! And to think I always figured Kodachi to be a cold,  
heartless girl."  
  
"I was just waiting for mister right," Kodachi said, making  
a face at the elder Tendo.  
  
"Is that why you've taken me here?" Ranma asked. "Because  
I'm mister right? I wouldn't doubt it, I've experienced weirder  
tonight."  
  
"No, just completing an experiment," Nabiki said, "Hold  
still, I'm not done yet."  
  
"What's that thing you're waving at me?" Ranma asked,  
focusing on the beeping whirring box.  
  
"It's just a medical scanner, Ranma, relax."  
  
"I thought those things were the size of a room!"  
  
"When you run the Ministry of Economics, you tend to want to  
travel light. Okay, girls--"  
  
"Ahem," Mousse ahemed.  
  
"--and guy. I can now declare Experiment-R a total failure.   
Oh well. You can go now, Ranma, sorry about the mixup," Nabiki  
said, pulling a lever next to Ranma's examination table. The  
restraint whipped back into place, letting Ranma slide down the  
table and onto his feet, much to his own surprise.  
  
"What's Experiment-R?" he asked, turning to face Nabiki.  
  
"I was hoping something would be salvageable, but I guess  
I'll just have to try again with someone else," Nabiki said.   
"I'll let you three know what I'm talking about later on in the  
meeting. Ranma, go, please."  
  
"I don't think so, not until you let me know why you've  
captured me," Ranma said. "I think it's reasonable to expect an  
explanation."  
  
"It's classified, Saotome. If you don't mind, we have a  
meeting to run here. Please exit or we'll have you escorted."  
  
"What's so special about me?" Ranma demanded. "What's going  
on? Where'd you take Akane? Where'd you take the others, for  
that matter? WHAT'S GOING ON?"  
  
"I'd like to tell you, Saotome-kun, but I can't. Security?"  
Nabiki called to thin air, prompting a small buzzing noise as  
part of the wall slid away.  
  
Three large guards in red battle armor stomped out. Ranma  
cast a quick glance at them, annoyed, and turned back to Nabiki.  
  
"I'm not leaving until I get some answers. My entire life  
has been turned upside-down for no reason, and I want that  
reason," Ranma said, pausing only to smash his elbow into an  
exposed space in the armor of a guard that was about to tackle  
him. The guard collapsed, nerve-hit sending his mind spinning.   
"I thought you wanted Akane!"  
  
"Her?" Kodachi laughed. "She's just an extender, Ranma,  
nothing more. It's you we wanted. And now that you're no longer  
useful, you can leave and return to your dull little life.   
Unless you'd like to stay on as my partner..."  
  
"I don't think so," Ranma denied, jumping over another guard  
and kicking him in the back of the neck on the way down. "Don't  
you think I deserve the truth, Nabiki? After all that's  
happened?"  
  
"No," Nabiki said evenly. "Not yet, no. Maybe later. For  
now, beat it."  
  
"Why, you--" Ranma started, running towards Nabiki. She  
pulled out a small spray bottle and shot Ranma in the face, mists  
swirling around his head. Ranma choked and wheezed, and  
collapsed, sleeping once more.  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi gasped.  
  
"Relax, I wasn't in any real danger," Nabiki said, toying  
with the spray bottle. "Ranma Saotome doesn't hit girls. Still,  
this is a pretty useful gadget. You might want to market the  
sleep gas sprayer for self defense, Kodachi. I could do the  
advertising for you."  
  
"Sounds good," Kodachi said. "And very much in the spirit  
of the new inter-Ministry trust we've formed!"  
  
"I'm so glad we've decided to not keep any more secrets,"  
Kasumi nodded. "It's better this way, you'll see. I'll have  
some men escort Ranma and Akane out so they can go home. Nabiki,  
if you will continue with the meeting?"  
  
"Got it, sis," Nabiki nodded, reaching for the light switch.   
A slide projector snapped on, casting an image of the boy who now  
was sleeping on the floor, the image bouncing off Kodachi (who  
was in the way). Kodachi mumbled a quick apology and stepped out  
of the light beam.  
  
"Ladies and gents, I present : Experiment-R," Nabiki said.   
"Here's exactly what I was doing with Ranma, and why."  
  
*  
  
"Poor bastard," Gentry Tuttle Akuyawa mumbled, wheeling the  
unconscious form of Ranma Saotome down the hall. "Kodachi ever  
say what they did to him?"  
  
"You know better than to ask Kodachi about anything she  
does, brother," Henry Tuttle Wataru warned, walking alongside his  
own clone. "Commander of the Peace orders me to ship him  
upstairs, I ship him upstairs. I finish up my work thirty  
minutes later and she orders me to ship him back downstairs."  
  
"Mad world, eh?" Gentry grinned.  
  
"Mad world and I for one am glad I'm at the Ministry of  
Peace to observe it," Henry nodded. "We're safe here under her  
rule, at least. Looks like they worked over this one something  
awful."  
  
"Really? I can't see any bruises, lacerations or scars.   
Not the usual stuff."  
  
"Exactly, but he's sleeping deader than dead," Henry  
commented, testing this by lifting one of Ranma's arms off the  
wheelchair arm. It flopped back down once he let go. "Out like  
a light. Poor sop."  
  
"As usual, fellow Tuttle, you're always right," Gentry  
nodded, sharing the camaraderie of cloneship. He stopped the  
wheelchair by the elevator and pushed the DOWN button. "Didj'ya  
hear, by the way?"  
  
"No, wot?"  
  
"New government policy. They've pulled all the boys off the  
streets they put there a few hours back and APOLOGIZED."  
  
"Smeg off! You don't say. Apologized for what?"  
  
"'said there woz a mixup," Gentry continued, as the elevator  
doors opened and he pushed his load inside. "Big government  
confusion. The news report even SAID it was a Ministry of  
Confusion situation! On authorization from Nabiki herself!"  
  
"I thought the Ministries hated that term. It's demeaning."  
  
"Guess they're learning to lighten up. Anyway, to prevent  
future MoCs, the news guy said, they're adopting a new policy of  
Trust and Truth. It's a new day, my friend. We're not going to  
need to worry about one Ministry taking over anymore, they're  
reaffirmed their stance towards helping the people and have  
pledged to stop infighting."  
  
"Kudos to that. Does your heart good to know that your  
world leaders are getting along, eh? Still, what a mess. Did  
they mention anything else about tonight's events?"  
  
"Something like a secret operation," Gentry continued.   
"They obviously couldn't say WHAT exactly just yet, but they  
confirmed that it's over and all Ministries are up to date on it.   
Maybe they were testing some new combat robot and it got loose?"  
  
"Wot about this guy?" Henry asked, poking Ranma. "I mean, I  
thought he was the reason we were scrambling!"  
  
"Must have been a mistake," Gentry suggested. "Look at it  
this way. Kodachi gets what she wants. If this chap was really  
a bother, he wouldn't be going home now, would he? NOBODY leaves  
the Ministry of Peace unless the Ministry of Peace wants them to  
leave."  
  
"As usual, Tuttle, correctamundo. Must've been a mixup."  
  
"Wot about the other one, the girl? Mixup too?"  
  
"Oh, Kodachi had me process some forms with her," Henry  
said. "I wasn't allowed to look at them, of course, standard  
signing-privacy rules. I suppose it was a tax evasion deal or  
something of that nature. The girl seemed to understand, though.   
Calmed down quite a bit. She's waiting for us in the lobby."  
  
"Who is she, anyway?"  
  
"Tomboy Akane Saotome," Henry said. "This chap's wife."  
  
"Wot a strange name," Gentry said, as the elevator doors  
dinged once more. He pushed on the wheelchair, and ushered into  
the lobby.  
  
Akane looked up from the endtable magazine she was nervously  
thumbing through, with a worried look on her face as she saw  
Ranma pushed clumsily along in the chair. "My g... what did you  
do to him?"  
  
"Don't know, miss," Henry said, as Gentry let the chair  
coast to a stop. "If I did, I wouldn't be authorized to say  
anyway. You can handle it from here, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I can," Akane said in a small voice.  
  
"And remember, those forms you signed are binding," Henry  
said. "Wouldn't want to see you in here again for going against  
the law, right? Nice gel like you shouldn't have to visit the  
Ministry more times than she has to. It's not right."  
  
"I... I promise I won't go back on them," Akane said,  
uneasily taking Ranma's wheelchair by the handles.  
  
"Keep the chair," Gentry smiled. "Our gift to you. MoP  
wouldn't want you throwing your back out carrying the guy. Have  
a nice day, miss."  
  
"I'll try," Akane nodded, and pushed the wheelchair ahead of  
her towards the doors, hoping never to return again.  
  
*  
  
"Nooobody knoooows... the trooubblleee I've SEEEEEN..."  
Jodan sang badly, rattling an imaginary cup against imaginary  
bars.  
  
"I'm just glad they didn't tie us up to that," Raph said,  
pointing to the horribly uncomfortable-looking table. "That's a  
good sign. I'm still worried, though. Are they going to kill  
us, Jodan?"  
  
"I think they shall treat us to a nice dinner, a movie, and  
send us home with some lovely parting gifts," Jodan smiled,  
staring at the ceiling.  
  
"You're nuts, Jodan. We're deader than doornails," Chao  
grumped. "They're gonna make us burn away into nothing. I've  
heard they do that, they take you out of the picture completely,  
without even a trace that you ever existed. We're a thorn in  
their side."  
  
"But we never did anything!" Raph protested. "We painted  
silly pictures on walls. They want those jerks who are  
impersonating us, the REAL terrorists. Do you think we can  
convince them we're not responsible for that stuff?"  
  
"No," Chao said. "They'll probably shoot us the minute they  
walk in. Notice the red carpet; it's terrific for hiding  
stains..."  
  
"Chao, man, you're really bringing me down," Jodan said.   
"Look at it this way. The Ministry isn't holding us captive  
beyond that locked door. If they wanted to have fun with us,  
we'd be on tables with flaming bamboo under our fingernails by  
now. Maybe they want to talk, congratulate us for our artistic  
vision and send us packing. Or they'll kill us. Hard to say."  
  
"How can you be so jovial about this?" Raph asked.  
  
"Oh, it was bound to happen one day," Jodan said. "Let's  
face it, we're annoying little twerps. We're not really  
dangerous, but the government is great at removing annoyances  
anyway. You can't stop them, you know. If we didn't go around  
spraypainting walls, they'd find us guilty for something else.   
These dictatorships are all the same, they always get you in the  
end. There's no two ways around it, so why not take the one way  
that'll provide a few yuks on the way out?"  
  
"Now you're bringing ME down," Raph muttered, leaning  
against a wall. "It's the waiting that's driving me nuts. Would  
they just leave us trapped in here to starve?"  
  
"I claim dibs on eating Chao in that case!" Jodan smirked.  
  
"That's awful!" Raph said, horrified.  
  
"Ain't it?" Jodan laughed. "My bologna has a first name,  
and it's J-O-D-A-N--"  
  
The door opened.  
  
Jodan lost his song partway through, but kept the smile. He  
backed away from the door, as did the other members of the  
Ministry of Confusion, awaiting the inevitable.  
  
"You're free," Kodachi said, leaning in from the doorframe.   
"Go home."  
  
Jodan's smile fell. "Excuse me?"  
  
"You heard me, go away," Kodachi said. "I hadn't intended  
on arresting you just yet anyway, but you WERE around when I  
didn't need you to be. You boys go play your little paint by  
numbers games and I'll see you again soon, okay?"  
  
"Go home? Wait, I don't get this," Jodan said, walking  
forward. "We're the Ministry of Confusion! The evil plague that  
threatens the city! Aren't you the least bit angry about that?"  
  
"Of course not," Kodachi laughed. "You're downright useful.   
Without a danger in the city, there's no way I'll be able to  
wrestle crime rights away from the Ministry of Sanitation. While  
the threat is present, I'm on my way back to restoring this  
Ministry's power. Thanks for all your help."  
  
"We didn't do any of those things!" Raph said, getting the  
nerve to speak. "Interrogate us if you have to. All I do is  
paint stuff. I'm not a terrorist threat."  
  
"Don't be silly, paint boy, I know that," Kodachi said,  
losing her humorous tone. "I know you're being impersonated,  
too. But you're the only ones I can drag in whenever I feel  
like, and via truth test, PROVE to be the real Ministry of  
Confusion. I need evidence to prove I'm the protector of the  
peace, you know, frame jobs look very bad indeed. So, I need you  
alive until I decide to pull you in."  
  
"But... that's..." Jodan started. "EVIL!"  
  
"Observant!" Kodachi said. "Ohohoho! This HAS been a good  
day. I learn Nabiki's little scheme, find my ideal man, and even  
assure my future as the enforcer of law and order. I think I  
shall have a nice dinner and turn in for the night. Farewell."   
With that, she leaned out of view and bounded down the hallway,  
giggling evilly all the way.  
  
"GET BACK HERE!" Jodan yelled, running out of the door. He  
turned left and right, looking for the Commander of the Peace.   
She was gone, vanished literally into thin air.  
  
"They left the door open," Raph noted, walking out of the  
chamber. "I guess we can go home now."  
  
"I can't believe this," Jodan snorted, kicking the wall.   
"They were going to kill us. That's acceptable and in line with  
the way governments are supposed to work. How could they do this  
to us, though? Just let us walk?"  
  
"This is bad?" Raph asked, confused.  
  
"Yeah, it's bad! We've worked so hard to get some respect,  
and they treat us like some common punks!"  
  
"We ARE common punks, Jodan," Chao said, joining his  
friends. "You've said it yourself."  
  
"But we were nasty little punks! Punks nobody in the  
government liked. We filled a need..."  
  
"I don't know about you, but as of today I'm not going to be  
a punk," Raph said. "It sounds dangerous. If she's not lying,  
we could be looking at trouble down the line. We're the perfect  
pawns for her power game."  
  
"Pawns," Jodan repeated. "They are using us like pawns,  
aren't they?"  
  
"Kinda," Raph shrugged.  
  
"Alright. Let's prove them wrong. Chao, you're getting  
your wish."  
  
"I have a wish?" Chao asked.  
  
"Of course you do. You know, your dream about taking the  
Ministries and just burning everything down to the foundations?   
Destroying all of it?"  
  
"Yeah..." Chao said, briefly dreamy. "You getting serious  
now? You ready to be the terrorist you claim to be?"  
  
"Damn ready," Jodan said. "Maybe in the end we won't be  
able to do anything about the Ministries, but I'm not going to  
sit around and wait for them to pick us up again to die for THEIR  
cause. Chao, I want you researching ways we can damage these  
ridiculous fireproof buildings. Raph, we've got some planning to  
do."  
  
"Now you're talking!" Chao grinned. "Umm. Should we be  
talking about this INSIDE the Ministry of Peace?"  
  
"They never took us seriously," Jodan said. "I doubt  
they'll start now. It'll be the last mistake they make."  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.5  
Private use only  
 


	6. 6

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 6  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Ranma woke up for the umpteenth time, his body trying hard  
to filter out the chemicals it had been bombarded with.   
Eventually his bloodstream had cleansed itself to the point where  
he could regain consciousness.  
  
He opened his eyes slowly, half expecting to be in the  
bowels of some other Ministry this time. However, he was greeted  
with an unusual sight; his own room.  
  
Ranma got up from his floor cot, surprised. He turned his  
head this way and that, identifying all the little trademarks of  
his room; the lack of decorations, the tiny pile of books in the  
corner, the overhead lamp with a tendency to flicker in humid  
weather. He was home.  
  
What a horrible dream he had...  
  
He checked his clock. 8:15 PM. He must've taken a nap  
after getting home from the library... his book was here, fairly  
beat up, but still in the battered backpack he must have set next  
to the cot. He pulled it out of the nylon sack and perused a few  
color-copied pages.  
  
"Ranma!" Akane gasped, pausing as she walked by his door.   
"You're awake!!"  
  
"A.. Akane?" Ranma asked. "ARGH. Oh well, I guess it was  
too much to hope someone had pulled a Dallas on me... how long  
was I out?"  
  
"Two days," Akane said. Ranma facefaulted into the floor.   
"Something wrong, Ranma?"  
  
"Last thing I remember was Nabiki pulling out a bottle of  
Windex and blasting me," Ranma said, peeling himself from the  
floor. "Guess it wasn't Windex. What happened, Akane? How'd I  
get here?"  
  
"They let us go," Akane shrugged. "Not much else to it than  
that. I wheeled you home in a chair and we've been checking on  
you occasionally. I hate to think of all the horrible things  
they did to you..."  
  
"Actually, they didn't do anything," Ranma said, getting up  
and stretching from his Rip Van Winkle impersonation. "I woke  
up, Nabiki Tendo scanned me with something and they told me to  
leave. Something about an Experiment-R. I asked more about it  
and they gassed me AGAIN."  
  
"Since when does Nabiki do experiments?" Akane asked. "From  
what I recall back home, she only did finances... no interest in  
science."  
  
"You're not kidding, huh? How much do you remember about  
your life and/or your clone base's life?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Everything," Akane said. "That's what I've been doing the  
last two days waiting for you to recover, trying to remember it  
all. I even remember when we established the government after  
the old one collapsed... but not much beyond that."  
  
"How's dad doing?"  
  
"Your father is fine," Genma said, walking over to Ranma's  
door as well. "Although he was worried SICK about you, Ranma.   
Still, it's good to have you back, son."  
  
"By all rights, I SHOULDN'T be back," Ranma grumbled.   
"Neither should Akane. What did they want from us? Why'd they  
let us go?"  
  
"I don't think we'll ever know," Akane sighed. "Me, I'm  
glad it's over. I haven't heard a peep out of the Ministry of  
Peace about it either, which is GOOD."  
  
"Give me an update here, Akane. What's been happening in  
the world while I was out?"  
  
*  
  
"I still don't buy it," Nabiki complained, pacing around her  
posh office at the Ministry of Economics. "I don't buy it one  
bit. I mean, yes, we all signed declarations not to hold any  
more secrets, but pen and paper doesn't mean anything to Kodachi.   
She's still hiding something. Found anything yet?"  
  
The covert agent in her office shrugged. "I have a few  
leads, but not much," the agent said sadly. "I don't have any  
way to explore them, either, at least not any safe way."  
  
"What about our guards?" Nabiki asked. "They're not  
commandos, but they should be good enough for some side work."  
  
"We can't risk it. They would HAVE to be covert to follow  
the leads I've found. I've done as much tracing as I can through  
untraceable channels. To go farther means risk, and if we take  
that risk and lose, Kodachi'll know in an instant who's  
responsible. This Truth and Trust policy would put us in a very  
bad position if Kodachi made her discovery public."  
  
"Alright... then we need an operative who's separate, out of  
the loop," Nabiki said. "Someone who won't know what he's  
working for or why, but would be willing to do it and have the  
skills needed. People like that don't grow on trees, DT."  
  
"Begging your pardon, miss, but I think I may have one," DT  
said. "I hazard to bring it up, because it's probably a bad idea  
to use someone who so recently was in the spotlight... it's a  
half baked notion, but..."  
  
"Spit it out, who?"  
  
"Ranma?" DT shrugged. "Okay, okay, it's a wild idea.   
According to the reports he was ranting and foaming at the mouth,  
wondering what the Ministries were up to. We could give him the  
chance to uncover some information for himself and us. He's the  
only person I can think of that could do it properly."  
  
"He wouldn't cooperate," Nabiki said. "My little  
Experiment-R failure is very, very suspicious after the ordeal  
he's been put through."  
  
"I never said we'd give him a choice, ma'am."  
  
"Good point. Still, it would be very hard to coerce him."  
  
"We could catch his Akane..." DT suggested. "I could hold  
her downstairs for you while Ranma investigates the leads."  
  
Nabiki narrowed her eyes. "DT, you know I disapprove of  
kidnapping, especially an Akane. Have some respect for the  
children of my dear departed sister."  
  
"Sorry, sorry," DT apologized. "Sorry. I shouldn't have  
mentioned it. Still, what else can we do? Ranma's in an ideal  
position for black ops. He'll be kept from knowing who he works  
for, he'll have the curiosity to go for it, and certainly he'll  
have the strength and speed to provide his own backup."  
  
Nabiki considered this, turning to her window to observe the  
Tokyo skyline. As usual, it was nearly as bright now as it was  
during the day, thanks to the holograms and neon and halogen  
lights. Fortunately Nabiki's office had one way mirrors for  
windows; she wouldn't want anybody finding out who DT was.  
  
"How many leads do you have about Kodachi's operations?"  
Nabiki asked, breaking the silence.  
  
"A few. Some more threatening than others, but at least two  
extremely dangerous ones. I can only speculate about that, of  
course, we won't know until we check them out."  
  
"Can't we just special order an extender?" Nabiki asked.   
"Or make one of our own. We have the equipment from Experiment-  
R, even if I claimed it was destroyed in the name of Truth and  
Trust."  
  
"We could, but the only way to truly ensure cooperation was  
with inhibitors, which would also decrease the clone's  
performance," DT said. "I know it's a long shot, but my advice  
is to use Ranma. You don't have many options here, Nabiki.   
Trust and Truth or none of the above, the Ministry of Economics  
is in danger."  
  
"But how would we convince him to do it?" Nabiki asked.   
"Curiosity isn't enough, DT. We'd need a toehold on him somehow.   
Could we offer to tell him about Experiment-R? I don't think it  
would hurt much."  
  
"I can offer that as an opener, but it may not be enough,"  
DT said. "He'd very likely beat the tar out of me for not saying  
more. He's unstable at the moment, Nabiki. Three nights ago his  
life got very, very complicated for no reason and he'd do  
anything to figure out why, as long as that anything is on his  
own terms. Experiment-R might be enough, but if it isn't, we'll  
have blown our chance."  
  
"Does he have any weaknesses?" Nabiki asked. "Anything we  
can use? Phobias? Complexes? Traditions? You know him better  
than I do, DT. To me he's just an experiment gone wrong and a  
bunch of genetic data."  
  
"Hrm. I think he's afraid of cats."  
  
"Not enough."  
  
"Well, you KNOW he doesn't hit girls," DT said. "A girl  
would be perfectly safe around him, just like bulletproof armor."  
  
"A girl... you know... that's gives me an idea," Nabiki  
said, a slow grin spreading off her face. She turned to face her  
operative, who shuffled around uncomfortably under her gaze.   
"Call down to the basement and see if they still have the results  
of the failed Experiment-J."  
  
"I thought that goop never worked."  
  
"SOME of it did, DT. Just not any of the useful varieties.   
I think the kind we need might still be available, however. Go  
see to it. One last question; have we finally figured out where  
Akane went in the mayhem?"  
  
"You're going to have to be more specific, ma'am. There's  
been a LOT of mayhem recently."  
  
"The mayhem in the Ministry of Data warehouse. You know, we  
were shipping Akane down there for secret storage, and Kodachi's  
goons opened fire?"  
  
"Oh, yes, data. Umm. Nabiki, I hate to say it, but she's  
more than likely dead," DT said in a quiet voice. "From what  
I've been able to tell through the records and security tapes,  
the real Akane got mixed in with the other crates... some Akanes  
died who were on cold storage when the fight began... some got  
shipped... everything went nuts."  
  
"Could she have been shipped?"  
  
"I picked through the file mess with a fine tooth comb,  
ma'am. Every shipped Akane had a clone's trademark. None of  
them were humans. None of them were in a coma, and none of them  
were the real Akane Tendo that we brought down there."  
  
"How about the one that got shipped to Ranma?" Nabiki asked,  
pulling at straws.  
  
"Trademarked. She's a clone."  
  
"Damn," Nabiki cursed, biting her lip. "I was so close  
there, DT. If I could have gotten her out of that coma, I could  
prove that Kodachi planted the car bomb. It would have taken  
mere two hours with Ministry of Data equipment to revive her... I  
guess she's lost for good now. If daddy were around he'd be  
flooding the room by now."  
  
"If you want, I could send out some further inquiries--"  
  
"No," Nabiki denied. "The time for mourning is later. See  
to getting Ranma on our side, we'll investigate Kodachi's little  
hobbies. Akane would have wanted us to take the stupid  
megalomaniac down."  
  
*  
  
"Truth, huh," Ranma said flatly.  
  
"Truth and Trust, yeah. It's the big catch phrase,  
overshadowing 'Ministry of Confusion' in buzzword popularity,"  
Akane said. "That's everything. Not a peep out of the  
Ministries otherwise. Things are back to normal again in Tokyo,  
Ranma. I, for one, am glad."  
  
"I don't buy it," Ranma said. "No way everything's nice and  
happy and out in the open. For one thing, what's Experiment-R?   
I can OBVIOUSLY tell what the R is, but what did they mean?"  
  
"Ranma, just let it slide," Akane suggested, in calm tones.   
"I don't want you tangling up with the MoP again. We were VERY  
lucky to get out of that intact, with a blank check for our  
future safety. No strings attached."  
  
"You know, this puts us right back at square one," Ranma  
said. "It's practically like we never left the house. I mean,  
the crate's even there, right in the middle of the room. HEY,  
POP! Don't you ever clean up around here?!"  
  
Genma was too far away to hear, even with Ranma's healthy  
lungs. He gave up the yell fest and turned back to the room he  
was in.  
  
"So what're you going to do now?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, obviously you don't want this engagement," Ranma  
reminded her. "Remember, the ORIGINAL reason for the mess? We  
don't own you, you know. You can do whatever you'd like to do  
with your life."  
  
"I... haven't decided yet," Akane said. "But until I do, I  
don't have anywhere I can stay. Do you mind putting up with a  
violent tomboy in your house for now?"  
  
"Only if you don't mind having to hang around a perverted  
idiot like me," Ranma said, without humor or spite. "We're still  
not getting married, of course."  
  
"Of course, Ranma. That much is obvious."  
  
Silence hung thick in the air as the players tried to figure  
out the next line of the script.  
  
"RANMA!" Genma yelled from across the house, lungs far  
superior to Ranma's. "You've got a visitor."  
  
"Huh?" Ranma called back. "Who?"  
  
"I hope the visitor isn't wearing combat armor," Akane  
joked.  
  
"That's not funny, Akane."  
  
"Well, excuuuuse me," Akane said, making a nasty face at  
him.  
  
"Oh, THAT'S pleasant looking," Ranma said. "Bleargh."  
  
"You want unpleasant, try a mirror," Akane retorted.  
  
"You never quit, do you? What a tomboy."  
  
"You're the one with no sense of humor, baka!"  
  
"Baka? Who's the--"  
  
"Ahem?"  
  
Ranma and Akane turned to the dojo door, where the visitor  
was standing. The girl at the door knocked lightly on the  
doorframe, since it was improper to enter a room before knocking.  
  
"Have I come at a bad time?" she asked.  
  
"Who're you?" Ranma asked.  
  
"What, you don't remember?" the girl asked. "I'm Yuriko?   
Remember? From Kirusawa Junior High? I was in your third period  
math class? We were dating for four weeks? You took me to the  
senior dance?"  
  
"Nani?" Akane asked. "Ranma, you have a GIRLFRIEND?"  
  
"No! Whoa, I can explain... actually, no, I can't explain,"  
Ranma corrected himself. "Listen, miss... Yuriko? I'm afraid I  
don't remember any of that--"  
  
"It's okay, it WAS a long time ago. Ranma, something's come  
up. Can we talk?"  
  
"Oh, don't mind me," Akane said forcefully. "I'm just his  
tomboy fiancee. I'll go somewhere so you two can be together."  
  
"Akane--"  
  
Ranma was too late; she had already exited the dojo through  
the back door and slammed several doors shut behind her in  
progress towards the farthest point in the house from Ranma.   
Ranma gulped.  
  
"Okay, good, she's gone," Yuriko said, dropping the nervous  
voice. "Come on, you, we'll be safe talking in the garage across  
the street."  
  
"Who are you?" Ranma asked. "What's your beef, charging in  
here and pissing Akane off like that? I'll never hear the end of  
this now! I'm lucky she forgot about Shampoo in the mess."  
  
"I needed to cover your ass so we could discuss, and this  
seemed like a good idea at the time," Yuriko said. "Oh well if  
it wasn't to your liking. Come on, you, it's not safe to talk  
here."  
  
"Give me ONE good reason why I should," Ranma said, crossing  
his arms defiantly.  
  
"Experiment-R. Ring a bell?" Yuriko asked, poking Ranma in  
the forehead. He teetered backwards in surprise, but regained  
his balance.  
  
"You know what it was?" he asked, losing his defensive tone.  
  
"I know EVERYTHING about it," Yuriko said. "If you want to  
know everything too, follow me."  
  
Yuriko marched off for the front porch. Ranma jogged after  
her, not wanting to lose the girl. He waved to Genma on the way  
out the door, ignoring the alarmed look his father was giving  
him.  
  
*  
  
"We'll be fine in here," Yuriko said, setting up a small gas  
lantern in the center of the parking space. She already had a  
number of items here; a VCR, a television, a small hot plate and  
a kettle. Was she making tea or watching soaps or something? "I  
scanned this place for bugs before showing up. Your house was  
clean, but I didn't want to take any chances."  
  
Ranma nodded, examining Yuriko in the pale light. He hadn't  
gotten a good look at her yet, and the garage wasn't an ideal  
get-to-know-you spot. She seemed kind of thin, unhealthily so,  
with large eyes and stringy black hair. Very gothic looking, but  
Ranma was never afraid of vampires.  
  
"Experiment-R," Ranma said. "Spill it."  
  
"There is a price," Yuriko said.  
  
"What's the fee?"  
  
"I get to splash you with this," Yuriko said, pulling a  
small flask of water out of her coat.  
  
"What's that, acid?"  
  
"No, it's water," Yurkio said, uncorking it and taking a  
sip. "Just normal water. It was in my orders, okay? You can  
taste some if you want, just not too much."  
  
"I'll pass," Ranma said. "Now tell me why the Ministries  
wanted me."  
  
"Not all of them did," Yuriko started, corking the container  
again. "At first, just the Ministry of Economics. Ranma, brace  
yourself for this, okay?"  
  
"Braced."  
  
"You're not human. You're a research project into extender  
biogen."  
  
"Ha. No, really, what should I brace for?"  
  
"That," Yuriko said. "Ranma, I wouldn't drag you out here  
to lie to you. You're not human, man, you're a clone."  
  
"You're not serious!"  
  
"I am. You were an experiment. Nabiki wanted to see if it  
was possible to make a clone that didn't need extenders, but  
still have it fall in line and be a responsible member of  
society," Yuriko said. "She built a small lab in the basement of  
the MoE, and picked an ideal guinea pig; you. You WERE human,  
until she got you, cloned you and put your clone back in your  
place."  
  
"That's nuts. Why would she do that?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Clones are very, very expensive. Half the cost is the  
cloning process, and the other half is the delicate surgery  
needed to install inhibitors. Nabiki hoped she could stop using  
inhibitors if she could give humans reasons not to break the  
law."  
  
"I could have broken the law any time I wanted!"  
  
"But you didn't. Promise to your dad, remember? Nabiki put  
that in you. A small memory patch, not nearly as costly as a  
full tilt personality cover and behavior modification. Your dad  
was informed by the MoE that his son was dead, and they were  
sending a clone in his place. He was given orders to move and  
keep you from harm. It was either that or he'd get no son,  
period."  
  
"Was the MoE telling the truth?"  
  
"Of course," Yuriko nodded. "Your clone base was killed  
before you were activated. Lab accident."  
  
"You KILLED ME?!" Ranma screamed.  
  
"Whoa! Calm down, please, not me. I'm not MoE."  
  
"What are you, then? Tell me!"  
  
"Freelance," Yuriko said. "I'm just like you, Ranma. I  
want to know the truth behind all things. The truth is out  
there, if you look hard enough for it. Now do you want me to  
continue, or do you want to keep contradicting everything I say?"  
  
"Continue. THEN I'll contradict when you're done."  
  
"Good. Anyway, it hit the fan when your dad decided to  
fulfill a promise to your mom, despite you not really being his  
son. He bought you a fiancee. The MoE was monitoring your  
home -- relax, they've taken the cameras out by now -- to observe  
the experiment and see if it was working. You started arguing  
with her and they got worried that Genma had introduced an  
agitator into the experiment. You remember what happened next?"  
  
"A Ministry of Economics officer showed up to take Akane  
away," Ranma nodded.  
  
"Nabiki wanted her out of there before the experiment was  
ruined. You failed, Ranma. You punched the guy and ran. You  
broke the law, and broke your honor-bound promise we gave you.   
Nabiki sent out teams to bring you in, hoping she could get you  
out before the corruption was complete. The other three  
Ministries noticed and started combing the streets for you and  
Akane, curious as to why we wanted one or both of you. Once  
Kodachi finally got you, a quick scan showed that your patch  
wasn't strong enough. You'd never be 100% lawful again. The  
experiment was declared a failure and Nabiki decided to let you  
go, since you didn't know enough to prove a threat to her."  
  
Ranma paused, soaking this in. Yuriko lit up a cigarette,  
flicker briefly illuminating her tired face.  
  
"That's it?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Yeah, that's it. Like sands through the hourglass, so are  
the days of your lives and all."  
  
"You don't have any hard evidence other than that?" Ranma  
asked. "How can you expect me to believe--"  
  
"Here you go," Yuriko said, passing Ranma some papers and  
objects from her coat. "Official death certificate, Ranma  
Saotome, dated two days before your shipment. Some stolen  
reports from Experiment-R on your clone's growth. Pirated office  
memo from Nabiki to the basement... sorry for the blur at the  
top, copier's on the fritz. Finally, if you want it, video tape  
of your dad accepting your shipment and explaining to you how you  
had hit your head and were in a coma for several days, waking up  
just then."  
  
"I don't have a VCR," Ranma replied, ignoring the papers.  
  
"I do, right here. I also have housing permits for TWO  
Saotome dojos," Yurkio said, flashing them at Ranma. "One where  
you used to live, and the one you're in now that the MoE built.   
They felt that Nerima would be safer for you. Less past contacts  
from your life to get into the mix and upset the balance."  
  
"Any of this could have been doctored," Ranma said.  
  
"Ranma, that's the whole story," Yuriko said. "Whether you  
believe it or not, according to my investigations, that's the  
truth. Go on believing what you want. Now, you have to pay the  
price for this information."  
  
"Oh yeah, water," Ranma nodded. "Go ahead. Can't be any  
weirder than any of this other junk you've laid on me."  
  
Yuriko uncorked the vial and splashed Ranma with the water.  
  
"Now if you want the cure for that, you'll have to pay  
ANOTHER small fee," Yuriko said, tossing the empty vial away. It  
shattered on the garage floor.  
  
"Cure for what?" Ranma asked, surprised at the sound of her  
own voice.  
  
"Cure for the Jusenkyo mutating agent I just doused you  
with," Yuriko smiled. "Congratulations, it's a girl!"  
  
Ranma blinked, and looked down.  
  
"GYAAAAAH!" she yelled, seeing mammaries where there weren't  
any before. She tried to pull them off, unsuccessfully-- they  
were the real thing. A quick peek into her pants proved the  
rest.  
  
"Nice hair," Yuriko said, pointing to Ranma's new do. It  
was the same as before, actually; but a cheery fire engine red.   
"Hair color tends to be random when Jusenkyo mutation agent takes  
effect. One of the problems with the formula, you see."  
  
"What did you DO?!" Ranma asked, poking at herself a few  
times.  
  
"Nothing permanent, Ranma, relax. Here's what's going to  
happen. You want the truth, I want the truth. I need someone  
who's strong enough, clever enough and lucky enough to find it  
out for me. You're it. You will do what I say and go where I  
tell you in your new 'disguise'. In return, once you're done  
with the few jobs I have for you, I'll give you the reversing  
agent for your new mutation, and you'll know all there is to know  
about the black ops of the Ministry of Peace. Got it?"  
  
"Why, you little--" Ranma growled, charging at the girl.  
  
"You don't hit girls, remember?" Yuriko said, smiling.   
"Don't think I didn't research you, Ranma. I know you better  
than you know yourself."  
  
"If you weren't a girl, I'd rip your head off," Ranma said.  
  
"I'm sorry you feel that way. You've got the chance of a  
lifetime here, Ranma. You're going to singlehandedly uncover all  
there is to hide in this town. Together, we're going to take  
down the Ministry of Peace and put this city in working order."  
  
"What if I walk away now and ignore your stupid idea?" Ranma  
asked.  
  
"Go ahead. Have fun trying to get your father to recognize  
you," Yuriko said in a not entirely friendly way.  
  
"I thought you said you weren't going to give me the cure  
until I was done whatever it is you want!"  
  
"There are cures and there are cures," Yuriko said. "Here's  
the key, Ranma. Your curse is permanent until I get you the male  
mutagen. You can toggle between your male and female mutations  
with a good dousing of water; cold for female, hot for male.   
Simple, easy to understand. A powerful, POWERFUL tool when used  
for your own benefit. Also a very embarrassing, if not dangerous  
one. If you walk on me, you'll never have a shot at permanent  
reversal of the curse."  
  
"Why did you do this?" Ranma asked. "Why not just tell me  
what you wanted? I can run errands, or whatever. You didn't  
have to change my GENDER!"  
  
"We needed to be assured you'd cooperate," Yuriko said.  
  
"AHA! We. You said we. Who else is involved here?"  
  
"Uhherr?" Yuriko sounded, taken aback. "We? What we?"  
  
Ranma recognized an opening when she saw it and dove for it.   
"We. Yuriko, who else is involved? Who else wants to know the  
truth about the Ministry of Peace? Is someone else directing  
you?"  
  
"Okay, there's a we," Yuriko admitted. "But I can't tell  
you who that we is, even if I wanted to. It's just not going to  
happen, Saotome."  
  
"Ministry of Economics. It HAS to be. How else could you  
get all that proof? Who else would know so much about me? Did  
Nabiki put you up to this?"  
  
"You'll never know," Yuriko said. "If you get caught, my  
employer doesn't want you to have anything more than speculation.   
Ranma, if you physically obtain proof as to who I am, we're going  
to have to eliminate you. You'd be too dangerous. Got that?"  
  
"Got it," Ranma said, clenching her teeth. "Alright, what  
do you want me to do? Let's get this over with."  
  
"Nothing for now," Yuriko said, turning away from Ranma.   
She reached over for the kettle and walked up to Ranma, who  
backed off. "Hold still, Ranma. Hot water, remember? You want  
to go home like this?"  
  
Ranma held still. Yuriko slowly poured the water on her,  
and Ranma's body shivered from the heat. He felt himself in  
several key locations, and sure enough, was a he.  
  
"Temporary," Yuriko reminded him, setting the kettle down.   
"I'll contact you later for your first assignment. You'll  
recognize me if I show up as 'your good childhood friend Yuriko'  
or if I refer to you by your code name on the phone."  
  
"Code name?"  
  
"Ranko," Yuriko said. "Anybody who calls you Ranko is on  
our side."  
  
"Whoever said I was on your side?"  
  
"Ranma, I don't like this anymore than you do," Yuriko said.   
"I've got no choice here. You're our only hope, and as much as I  
hate seeing that blasted mutagen used, we need a way to keep you  
from running off on us. It won't be long, then you can go back  
to your life. When we're in public, you should refer to me as  
Yuriko, but my code name is Deep Thought. If anybody mentions me  
by name, trust them. Got all that?"  
  
"Got it, yeah," Ranma said. "You know, I think having run  
off with an old girlfriend would have been preferable to this.   
Akane'll never believe me."  
  
"That's good. For her safety, you shouldn't tell her,"  
Yuriko said. "I don't want Akane getting hurt. Got it? Keep  
her out of this. Don't take her on missions, don't tell her  
where you're going, and for god's sakes quit picking on her!   
You're such a little toad, Saotome. No respect at all."  
  
"Is that all, or did you want to insult me some more?" Ranma  
asked. "Maybe turn me into a frog too?"  
  
"Get out of here," Yuriko said. "I'll contact you soon."  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.6  
Private use only  
 


	7. 7

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 7  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
(Author's Note : I've been tacking all sorts of neat things  
onto the MoC webpage, including character-based plot  
synopses. Be sure to check it out, but beware spoilers.   
Hopefully more audio/video junk will be added in soon.)  
  
URL : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/ministry.htm  
  
(Finally, KUDOS to Mike Finn for the excellent Ranma.c)  
  
-=-  
  
Daily life continued uninterrupted for several days at the  
Saotome Dojo. The hours clicked by, the hazy light of day  
swapping itself with the dim light of night just as it should.  
  
Genma, for one, was happy life was back to normal. All was  
right in the world; he had his son back, at least someone he  
considered to be his son, his son finally had a fiancee and no  
large men with guns were breaking his door down on a regular  
basis. Life was peaceful, life was good.  
  
CRASH!  
  
Well, good anyway.  
  
"BAKA! Watch where you're going!"  
  
"What're you doing breaking cinder blocks in the dojo, you  
tomboy? I almost broke my leg on this junk! Look at the  
shrapnel!" Ranma yelled back. Genma winced at the volume, trying  
to block the sound of the two lovebirds arguing out of his head.  
  
"I'm training. What does it LOOK like I'm doing?"  
  
"Don't you at least clean up after yourself? It looks like  
someone's been strip mining in here!"  
  
"You're one to talk. Have you seen your room? Paper  
clippings scattered all over it. What're you making, pinatas?"  
  
"At least what I'm doing is constructive."  
  
"Oh yeah? What ARE you doing?"  
  
"I... not much," Ranma said. "Look, please, Akane. Just  
make sure you clear up the rubble when you're done. It's not  
safe in here wading ankle deep in gravel."  
  
"You sound like one of Kasumi's commercials," Akane laughed.  
  
Genma relaxed. He recognized the program, set in after days  
of the two being kept in close quarters :  
  
#include   
#include   
  
extern int causeofinitialdisturbance(extender person);  
extern int forcedinteraction(extender person1, extender person2);  
extern int calm (extender person);  
extern void docalm (extender wife);  
extern void Argue (void);  
extern void Insult (void);  
extern int freezeover (Location place);  
  
int mealtime;  
Location HELL;  
  
static  
void fianceefight (extender wife, extender husband)  
{  
if (causeofinitialdisturbance(wife)) {  
while (!calm(husband)) {  
Argue();  
Insult();  
}  
docalm(wife);  
}  
if (causeofinitialdisturbance(husband)) {  
while (!calm(wife)) {  
Argue();  
Insult();  
}  
docalm(husband);  
}  
}  
  
int  
main (int argc, char **argv)  
{  
extender Akane;  
extender Ranma;  
  
while (!freezeover(HELL)) {  
fianceefight(Akane, Ranma);  
if (mealtime || forcedinteraction(Akane, Ranma))  
sleep (rand()*MINUTES);  
else  
sleep (rand()*HOURS);  
}  
}  
  
-- Error 201 : Genma doesn't know C. (Core dumped)  
  
Yup yup yup, they were getting along just fine, Genma  
thought, thinking along similar but less structured lines. As  
long as Akane doesn't beat Ranma to death during a particularly  
unpleasant exchange, all will work out in the end.  
  
*  
  
Ranma rearranged the newspaper clippings, trying to find a  
pattern. Nothing was 'jumping off the page' at him, but that  
didn't mean there wasn't a pattern somewhere below the surface.  
  
Part of the problem was that he only had the Tokyo Times to  
butcher in order to locate his information. The TT was Ministry  
of Data controlled, and was rather tight with what they would and  
would not say. Most of the articles he clipped out and arranged  
on the wall were useless; the few good ones he kept over by his  
bed, unpegged so he could juggle them around.  
  
TWO UNKNOWN GROUPS ENGAGE IN SHOOTOUT AT MINISTRY OF DATA.   
Dated and timestamped a few hours before Akane showed up. It  
didn't say who was involved or why, but it did mention that the  
resulting destruction didn't hamper Ministry of Data output in  
the least (see also : all hell broke loose and the MoD scrambled  
to fix the situation). If Akane was real, this could be how she  
ended up in a shipping crate... although what would she be doing  
there in the first place?  
  
MINISTRY OFFICIALS SCOUR CITY FOR FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE,  
complete with some really horribly drawn pictures of Ranma and  
Akane. Why they'd bother including a picture of Akane was  
strange; she looked like any other Akane on the street. Again,  
nothing is mentioned beyond the most obvious facts.  
  
DISASTER AVERTED! TRUTH AND TRUST PREVAIL. This was the  
big one, the one he didn't buy at all. According to it, the  
government troops mentioned in the previous article were a result  
of a big misunderstanding, and now that it has been cleared up a  
new policy of anti-secrecy was established and the Ministries  
would fight against each other no longer.  
  
Deep Thought said specifically that Kodachi had a few toys  
in hiding, ones that Ranma would be ordered to look for very  
soon. He didn't like the ludicrous situation Deep Thought had  
put him in, but he did admit one thing : it would be the best way  
to fill the gaps in his mini-library. He just wished he was  
doing it on his own terms, without this silly secrecy and  
mutation curse.  
  
Among the clippings he also had a copy of Akane's purchase  
order (which didn't match her personality or even size one iota),  
whatever he could find about the original Ryouga Hibiki, his  
precious history text and a number of recipes he hadn't fobbed  
off on Gosunkugi yet. A small copy of the Laws of the  
Joketsuzoku Tribe (japanese ed.) lurked in the corner, in case  
that crazy chick Shampoo showed up at his front door and he  
needed to find a way out of THAT situation.  
  
Still, none of this junk helped him figure out who Yuriko /  
Deep Thought was or why they wanted to investigate Kodachi. He  
assumed Ministry of Economics at first, but didn't have much to  
go on for that. Nothing he could found would prove it. Or  
should he even BE trying to prove it? Would Yuriko really kill  
him in that case, or was that a bluff?  
  
Ranma had tried to push the door on his curiosity closed,  
but this situation was far beyond curiosity. It was a NEED for  
answers. He was constantly asking himself questions he couldn't  
answer, knowing that he might never know the full picture of what  
was going on in Tokyo. Why did he bother? Why was he trying to  
discover all that was hidden, why was he trying to question the  
unquestionable?  
  
Clearly, he was obsessed. Obsessed with the finding out the  
truth behind the government. He could drop that like a hot  
potato if he wanted to; accept everything they did as strange and  
just move on with his life. He could make daddy dearest happy by  
marrying Akane and live out his days happy and peaceful and  
ignorant.  
  
Yuriko had forced his hand, and made him an agent of truth.   
Before he just had an interest; now his gender depended on it.   
No, the time for letting it drop was over. He was stuck on the  
path towards... whatever it was going to be. There would be no  
turning back.  
  
Besides, it helped him get his mind off of his other  
problem. Ranma had been good at dodging cold water over the last  
few days, but he didn't know how long that would last--  
  
"RANMA!" Akane called from the dojo. "Your Yuriko-chan is  
here again!"  
  
Ranma looked up from his news reports. If Yuriko saw this  
newspaper scrap pile... he quickly dashed out of his room and  
slid the door shut behind him, just as Yuriko entered the hall,  
followed by an annoyed Akane.  
  
"Something wrong?" Yuriko asked, cocking her head  
quizzically.  
  
"No," Ranma said, blocking his door. "I've been working  
out. Hi, ...Yuriko."  
  
"So, where're you two lovebirds off to now?" Akane asked,  
folding her arms.  
  
"We're NOT lovebirds, Akane," Ranma said.  
  
"Ranma promised to take me out on a date!" Yuriko beamed,  
sliding over to Ranma's side and glomping onto him. Ranma's eyes  
snapped open in surprise. "Dinner and a movie!"  
  
"Thought so," Akane said, in a flat tone. "Whatever.   
Ranma, you go have fun with your little friend. I'll just be  
strip mining in the dojo."  
  
"But--" Ranma started, but as usual, Akane had no intentions  
of sticking around to hear him explain. Yuriko waited until  
Akane was out of earshot, and unglomped.  
  
"You've got a small mission," Yuriko said. "Minor lead,  
something easy to start out with. It could be enough to prove  
Kodachi's working under the table, though."  
  
"Do you mind not hanging all over me in my own house?" Ranma  
asked. "I've had enough trouble dealing with that uncute maniac,  
I don't need any MORE cause for argument."  
  
"Sahib wants a cover story, sahib gets one. Quit  
complaining. Would you rather we tell her we're plotting against  
the Ministry of Peace?"  
  
"Actually, yes," Ranma said. "I don't think she'd mind.   
Maybe you could even get some real female help so I can be  
cured."  
  
"That's not part of the plan, Saotome. Trust no one. Come  
on, off to the garage, you need a briefing."  
  
*  
  
"We'll have to pick a new meeting place next time, but for  
now, this'll do," Yuriko said, gesturing to the familiar parking  
space. "Alright. To business."  
  
"It's not just a job, it's an adventure," Ranma joked.  
  
"Over the next few days I'll have you investigating a number  
of leads," Yuriko said. "We think that some of Kodachi's failed  
projects have come out in public in the form of human byproducts.   
Here's one of them," Yuriko said, passing Ranma a color copy of a  
Ministry of Data file.  
  
Ranma opened it up, paging through the endless series of  
words and letters, looking for a picture.  
  
"Hinako Ninomiya. Typically referred to as Miss Hinako,  
teacher and disciplinarian at Furinkan High. That was your old  
school, before you got transplanted."  
  
"Cute little girl," Ranma said, tapping the photo. Miss  
Hinako couldn't be more than twelve; her eyes were nice and  
large, like a little girl who had just spotted a lollipop for  
sale. Either that or someone had taken a photo of a really  
lifelike UFO Catcher doll. "So what is she, some Ministry of  
Peace superweapon of death?"  
  
"Exactly," Yuriko nodded.  
  
"I was kidding, Yuriko."  
  
"It's Deep Thought, Saotome. Yuriko is my cover, not my  
real name," Yuriko said.  
  
"You want me to do what you want, I get to call you whatever  
I want," Ranma said. "Yuriko's easier to remember. Plus, I  
somehow doubt your real name is Deep Thought either. Unless  
you'd care to tell me what your name really is?"  
  
"Yeah, right," Yuriko snorted, very unladylike. "Here's the  
deal. Miss Hinako used to work at the Ministry of Peace as a  
combat theory instructor. When she hit age twenty four, however,  
she changed."  
  
"She's twenty four?" Ranma asked, doublechecking the image.  
  
"That's right. She's legally an adult, but looks like she's  
twelve. We think the Ministry of Peace found a way to reverse  
the aging process, and used her as a test subject. For one  
reason or another, she was released into Tokyo after  
modifications."  
  
"Why would they do that?" Ranma asked.  
  
"No idea," Yuriko said, shaking her head. "Here's the deal.   
You'll pose as a transfer student to Furinkan, under your Ranko  
disguise. Instead of going to school normally, go there.   
You'll be enrolled most of the day in Hinako-sensei's classes;  
find out why the MoP let her go, and what they did to her."  
  
"I thought you already knew that they de-aged her."  
  
"This photo was taken shortly after the one you have,"  
Yuriko said, passing Ranma another cheap copy. Ranma examined  
it, and saw more... woman than there was in the previous picture.  
  
"Somehow, she's toggling between the two states," Yuriko  
said. "All I can confirm is that it's not related to the  
Jusenkyo mutagen we used on you. Now, Ministry of Peace had her  
classified as a bio-weapon before she left. As far as we know,  
there's nothing threatening about her, at least nothing obviously  
strange other than this age switch. You have two acceptable  
outcomes for this mission. Befriend her and get her to me for a  
quick medical examination, or disable whatever weapon she has and  
call me for an extraction."  
  
"How is any of this going to help you?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Simple. If we can get her, we can probably get genetic  
evidence of unapproved MoP work. It'll be scandal city when it  
hits the airwaves, since according to Truth and Trust, Kodachi  
has already disclosed all of her plans. We need direct  
examination for this to work, of course."  
  
"Alright. So, from the top," Ranma summarized. "I go to  
this school. I try to befriend her and figure out how she left  
MoP. If I can get her to cooperate, have her contact you,  
otherwise disable the switch and have you take her physically.   
Either way, you get your data and I get to become a full man  
again. Right?"  
  
"Only if you're successful," Yuriko warned. "Use tact,  
Ranma. Hint -- it's not what you dish out to Akane on a daily  
basis. Try to get Miss Hinako on our side without actually  
saying what our side is."  
  
"Gee, is that all," Ranma scowled.  
  
"Failing that, render her 'bio-weapon' null and we'll have  
to do this by brute force. If we try now without any attempt to  
disable her and we get caught it would be Bad. So once we get  
this evidence, you're off the hook."  
  
"What if she doesn't like me AND I can't disable it? I'm no  
expert in genetics, you know. Bio-weapons don't have big red off  
switches."  
  
"Then we follow another lead," Yuriko said, snatching the  
photos back and stuffing them into her coat. "This is a minor  
one, like I mentioned. It's not a life or death deal, we're  
simply testing you out, as well as the MoP's reaction to you.   
Hopefully we can stop here and not need to follow the riskier  
leads. Here's a map to Nerima; use it to find Furinkan High and  
go there tomorrow. You ready?"  
  
"I'm ready," Ranma said, snatching up the map.  
  
"And DON'T forget your cold water," Yuriko warned. "We  
don't want Ranma suddenly showing HIS face in Furinkan. Someone  
might recognize you."  
  
"I've never been there."  
  
"Yes you have," Yuriko said. "You just don't remember  
because the Ministry of Economics didn't want you to when they  
cloned you off. It's a dead man's homecoming day for you,  
Saotome. Try not to get all nostalgic about it, okay?"  
  
*  
  
Akane and Ranma ate breakfast silently.  
  
Akane was very surprised about this. After all, Ranma had  
managed to start the morning argument without fail every day; why  
wasn't there a peep out of him this morning? Was something  
wrong?  
  
"You know, you could have been quieter in the bathroom this  
morning," Akane said, testing the waters. "The plumbing in this  
house is loud enough as is, without you taking a bunch of hot  
baths. What were you DOING in there, sterilizing yourself?"  
  
"Nothing," Ranma said, and kept munching away at his toast.  
  
Akane tried another strategy. "No, really, what were you  
doing? I'm interested."  
  
"Just washing up," Ranma said, setting his half eaten toast  
down. "I'd better get going to school."  
  
"Relax, Ranma, we've got another ten minutes before we have  
to leave."  
  
Ranma ignored her, grabbing his overloaded backpack and  
making his way towards the front door. Akane grunted after him,  
not liking being ignored. She finished up her current bite,  
grabbed her books and ran after him.  
  
"Yo! Earth to Ranma," Akane said. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Ah, nothing," Ranma said, shrugging under the weight of his  
pack. "Look, Akane, you go ahead. I've got some things to do  
today, I'll meet up with you later."  
  
"What, we're not going to walk to school together today?"  
Akane asked.  
  
"I wouldn't want to be seen with a tomboy like you, anyway,"  
Ranma said, without his usual enthusiasm for such an insult. He  
turned a sharp left and headed off, in some unknown direction.  
  
Akane fumed. What was WITH him? He wasn't being mean, but  
he was being... mean. Yelling at her was one thing, but simply  
walking away without so much as a raised voice was another.   
Humph. The baka. Well, if he didn't want her around, that was  
just FINE!  
  
Akane kicked a nearby rock into the stratosphere and marched  
her way to school, alone for the first time on her morning walk.  
  
Once Akane was out of sight, Ranma unzipped his backpack,  
pulling one of the massive thermoses out. He doublechecked the  
poorly-scrawled word COLD on the cap and doused himself with it.  
  
The feeling was there, but hard to detect. One would think  
that total sex change and a slight shrinkage in height would hurt  
to high heaven, but Ranma wouldn't even have noticed it if she  
wasn't waiting for the shift. It wasn't very comforting to know  
that such a radical change didn't mean much to her senses. The  
sooner she could get that cure, the better, in her opinion... she  
capped the thermos and pulled out a towel to dry off with, then  
set off for Furinkan.  
  
*  
  
All schools in Tokyo look exactly alike.  
  
This is a well known phenomenon, but Ranma had just figured  
it out as she approached the wrought iron gates of Furinkan High.   
Yuriko / Deep Thought said Ranma used to go here, before this  
nonsense about being a clone; Ranma did find the school familiar,  
but only because it matched every other school she had ever seen.  
  
It was rectangular in shape, with a central section that was  
raised out, away and above the normal building chunk. A nice  
clock was embedded in the top of the overhanging school-bit,  
currently telling the incorrect time. The students wore  
uniforms, which was normal, the same uniforms every student in  
Tokyo wore. Ranma never bothered with uniforms; anybody who had  
a problem with this could try to take her... his... Ranma's  
casual outfit from hir and fail painfully.  
  
Ranma shrugged. If this was supposed to be evoking  
memories, it wasn't working. It evoked a sense of boredom, which  
school always did; they never taught any INTERESTING stuff.  
  
She walked right through the gate with little difficulty.   
Class had already started, and Ranma was late; this couldn't be  
helped, though. Nerima was quite a hike from the dojo, and if  
she left early enough to make it on time, Akane would be  
suspicious. The hall monitor didn't give her any grief, however;  
quite to the contrary.  
  
"Greetings, Ranko," the monitor said, nodding to Ranma. "DT  
says you left this behind back at the house."  
  
The monitor palmed a small slip of paper to Ranma. She  
unfolded it, and a student ID tumbled out. The wrapping was her  
schedule.  
  
"You're late, you know," the monitor said joylessly.  
  
"I had to cover my tracks," Ranma replied, pocketing the ID.  
  
"Miss Hinako may not approve. You know the plan. Kiss up  
or we could be in trouble."  
  
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma dismissed, memorizing the schedule  
and marching off to her first class.  
  
*  
  
Miss Hinako was very surprised to see Ranma walking in ten  
minutes late. She paused in her lesson to look unhappy at the  
tardy student.  
  
She looked exactly like the photo; deadly kawaii, short and  
adorable, in a simple yellow dress that reached to her knees  
which could quite possibly BE a plastic tube. She had to reach  
up above her head to write on the board. How did this l'il girl  
end up getting a tenure, anyway?  
  
The class looked far worse, however. Two thirds of them at  
least were stick thin, looking malnourished; skin hung in bags  
under their eyes, and the eyes themselves had a pleading,  
desperate look about them. It was kind of like walking into  
Classroom of the Living Dead. Was some kind of flu bug going  
around this school?  
  
"You're the new transfer student, right?" Miss Hinako asked,  
sneaking a quick peek at her attendance sheets. "Ranko Ayukawa?"  
  
"That's me," Ranma nodded.  
  
"You're late," Miss Hinako said, pointing an accusatory bit  
of chalk at the girl. Ranma half expected to find out why Hinako  
Ninomiya was a bio-weapon first hand with some kind of chalk-  
death-ray, but the superdeformed teacher lowered the chalk just  
as quickly as it had been raised. "It's not a good idea for  
kiddies to be late to their first day of school! First  
impressions are VERY important, and you don't want to look like a  
delinquent, do you?"  
  
Most of the kids in the classroom shuffled around  
uncomfortably in the one-piece plastic desks as the teacher  
chewed Ranma out. Ranma didn't particularly mind, however.  
  
"Bucket? Hall?" Ranma suggested.  
  
"No, I'll allow you one strike," Miss Hinako said. "Take  
your seat, miss. History is WAY WAY WAY too important to have  
you lose out because of tardiness. At least not first time  
tardiness."  
  
Ranma nodded, and took the nearest empty seat. Let's see,  
would this be revisionist history or the real thing?  
  
"Who can tell me who the first three models of extenders  
were?" Miss Hinako asked.  
  
Revisionist. Ranma slumped in her chair and waited it out.  
  
"Uhh... Nabiki, Kasumi and Akane Tendo," a female voice near  
the back recited.  
  
"Very good! As you know, due to the population loss after  
the earthquake, the extender project was founded to find ways to  
supplement the work force until it could naturally replenish  
itself. Our leaders allowed themselves to be the first clone  
bases as an act of faith in the project. The plan worked very  
well, up to the point where extenders were graciously accepted  
into society as full humans, with all the rights and liberties  
guaranteed to the master race. There was one potential problem  
with the three models, however. Gichi-kun! Do you know what it  
was?"  
  
"Me?" a nearby student choked. "Uhh... six?"  
  
Miss Hinako frowned cutely. "Gichi-kun, honestly! Were you  
failing to pay attention in class again?"  
  
"No! Honest! I was wide awake and alert!" Gichi protested,  
breaking out into a visible sweat.  
  
"What's that you and Wakai-kun are passing back and forth?   
Notes?" Miss Hinako asked, sliding over to Gichi's seat and  
snapping the paper triangle from his hands in one swift motion.   
"Hmm. 'Gang fight at four.' Thank you for the information,  
Gichi-kun. See me after class, 'kay?" Miss Hinako demanded  
politely. Gichi stared at the teacher, unbelieving, and Miss  
Hinako continued the lesson.  
  
"The problem was this," the teacher continued. "Since the  
first three clone bases were the leaders of government, how could  
we be guaranteed that a clone wouldn't be accidentally slipped  
into the office?" Miss Hinako asked. "This was solved easily,  
via the concept of trademarks. Trademarks, as you know, are  
small genetic prints on all extenders marking them as clones, and  
not the original. They are stamped on the extender after  
production and last for the extender's life. If there was a  
question as to the real identity of, say, Chairwoman Nabiki, a  
simple check for trademarks would cure it."  
  
"Couldn't they just make an extender without a trademark?"  
Ranma asked, curious.  
  
"Ministry of Data Biogen equipment is incapable of that,"  
Miss Hinako said. "Most of the growth process is robot  
controlled. Any fully grown extenders that are accidentally not  
trademarked by the robots are corrected before shipment. The  
system is perfectly fail safe."  
  
"Uh-huh," Ranma agreed, not convinced.  
  
"I see that you understand!" Miss Hinako beamed. "Good  
girl!"  
  
Good BOY, Ranma thought.  
  
*  
  
Ranma busily scratched out doodles on her notebook, waiting  
for the class to be over with. This wasn't really history, it  
was more of an advertising pitch; curriculum laid out to say  
nothing negative about the Ministries. Certainly there were  
negative things to say about them. Ranma was living proof of  
that, according to Yuriko.  
  
Of course, Ranma didn't really believe she was an extender.   
It was ridiculous; kidnapped, cloned, killed off and reinserted  
in some other town? It sounded like a bad soap opera. Ranma  
didn't have any proof of her own humanity, which she knew was the  
only way to be sure, but... somehow, it just seemed WRONG.   
There's no physically way it could be right, right?  
  
One fact of the story that bugged her was how Genma had  
known about her 'true' status and didn't say anything. Ranma  
knew her father to be something a coward when faced with REAL  
danger, but this was a little too important to shut up again, ne?   
Genma had apparently accepted this 'extender' as his son. No  
father would do that to a clone, right? She had to be human.   
She just HAD to be.  
  
Whatever, WHATEVER. Concentrate, Ranma-san. She had a  
mission to do here; suck up to the teech and get her in contact  
with Yuriko. (Lord knows Yuriko couldn't just ring the yellow  
suited moppet up herself and ASK...)  
  
"Ranko Ayukawa!" a voice scraped across Ranma's spine. She  
jittered her pen to a halt and looked up.  
  
"Er, hai, sensei?" Ranma said.  
  
"The answer?" Miss Hinako asked, tapping her tiny foot.  
  
"Six?" Ranma guessed lamely.  
  
"Very good!" Miss Hinako grinned. "In fact, there WERE  
originally six ministries proposed; Data, Peace, Economics,  
Sanitation, Communications and Law. The last two were dropped,  
distributing the communications to Data and the law enforcement  
to Peace. Sanitation recently obtained the right to carry out  
the law, which is good, because the Ministry of Peace is busy  
enough on the Russian war front."  
  
"They're not technically Russians," Ranma piped in with.  
  
"You didn't raise your hand, Ranko-chan."  
  
"Gomen," Ranma apologized, and turned back to her doodles.  
  
"What's that you're writing?" Miss Hinako asked, a tone of  
happy suspicion creeping into her voice.  
  
"Huh?" Ranma asked, covering the cartoons. "Oh, nothing."  
  
Miss Hinako bounced over like a rubber ball to Ranma's desk,  
and peeked under her arm. "Doodles? This is not art class,  
Ranko-chan! Naughty naughty. See me after class."  
  
"Okay," Ranma shrugged.  
  
All thirty students inhaled sharply. Ranma turned to look  
at them, as if to say 'What?', and thirty heads quickly looked  
away.  
  
The school bell rang, an identical ring to school bells all  
over Tokyo. The students got up and quickly filed out of the  
classroom, eager to leave.  
  
"Gichi, Ranko, I need to talk with you two," Miss Hinako  
said, interrupting the two on their way out the door. "Gichi,  
you first."  
  
"Miss Hinako, please, have pity!" Gichi begged. "I'm not a  
delinquent! I haven't done anything wrong! Talk to Ranko first,  
SHE was doodling in class! She's a delinquent! Talk to RANKO!"  
  
"Honestly, Gichi, pull yourself together!" Miss Hinako  
asked. "I just need to discuss a matter that alarms me, not  
execute you. Honestly! You need to learn to control your  
emotions."  
  
"Y... you mean it?" Gichi asked. "No... FWOOSH ZAP Argh?"  
  
"Ranko, please, wait in the hall," Miss Hinako asked. Ranma  
nodded, and stepped outside, leaving the door open a crack so she  
could hear what was going on inside.  
  
The hallway was empty now; the students that had fled  
earlier were already in class. Those one minute class breaks  
were quite a strain on the feet, but did enhance classroom  
efficiency with more minutes to work. Ranma leaned against a  
wall and waited, trying to make out what the two kids inside were  
saying.  
  
Gichi was very begging and pathetic in tone, but Ranma  
couldn't understand a word the guy was blubbering. Miss Hinako  
was sharper, more direct than she was in class; something about a  
tendency to fall asleep in class... delinquency...  
  
"Called after class, huh?" a voice said, next to his elbow.  
  
"Huh?" Ranma asked, turning around, face to face with one of  
the students from the class. "Oh, yeah. I was doodling."  
  
"You've gotten one strike already, right?" the girl asked,  
hiking her backpack up a little tighter in her arms. "I saw you  
walk into class late."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"That's bad. Take my advice; see Doctor Larry Tofu at the  
school health room once you're done," the girl suggested. "He  
has treatments that'll bring you back to normal in no time. He's  
had to specialize in cleaning up after Hinako-sensei... Miss  
Hinako means well, really, she's just a little... dangerous."  
  
"What, she's going to beat me up?" Ranma asked, not out of  
fear.  
  
"What? Heavens, no! She doesn't hit people. It's the  
other thing that's worse. You know, fwoosh, zap, argh? All the  
teachers are scared of her, but you know how eccentric the  
principal is, and his little fancies about the staff..."  
  
"Not really, actually," Ranma said. "I just transferred in  
today, remember? Ranko Ayukawa."  
  
"Pleased to meet you," the girl smiled, bowing slightly. "I  
hope you do okay. I've got to get to class, I'm late already."  
  
"You made yourself late to talk to me? Why?"  
  
"I'd hate to let a new girl bump into Miss Hinako  
uninformed," the girl said. "'sides, you seem to be a nice  
enough girl. Kind of like someone I knew. For now, I gotta  
run -- remember, go see Tofu!"  
  
"Whoa! Who are you?"  
  
"Can't talk! Bye!" the girl said, waving. She jogged  
briskly down the hall, leaving a confused Ranma behind. Who was  
that? And what on earth was that huge metal slab she had  
strapped to her back, some kind of spine supporter?  
  
The door slammed shut, an inrush of air pulling the wooden  
monolith against the frame. Ranma jumped back as the smoked  
glass window flooded with a horrible yellow light, casting her  
own pigtailed shadow against the far wall. Eventually the light  
faded.  
  
A horrible zombie/skeleton barged out of the door,  
collapsing at Ranma's feet. Ranma jumped onto the nearby water  
fountain in shock, as the thing struggled to get up to its feet;  
clearly it was having trouble, as if all the strength and  
vitality had been tapped from the horribly wretched creature...  
  
"Your turn," the zombie Gichi sputtered, wobbling around on  
its feet. The thing lurched carefully down the hallway,  
stumbling into a locker every few feet.  
  
Ranma stared, wild eyed. So THAT'S why the class looked so  
unhealthy. What was Miss Hinako doing to them? Was this why she  
was filed as a bio-weapon?  
  
"Ranko Ayukawa?" Miss Hinako asked, in surprisingly deep  
tones.  
  
Ranma looked up. And up.  
  
Now, the teacher resembled the second picture Yuriko had  
shown her; a tall, slender, curvaceous figure of a woman in her  
mid twenties. Ranma almost didn't recognize her, but it was  
impossible to miss the yellow tube dress (which now was  
considerably more, well, stretched.)  
  
"Hi... Hinako-sensei?" Ranma asked, not sure.  
  
"Inside, please," Miss Hinako stated in a voice so husky it  
could have pulled a sled over the icy tundra. Ranma nodded  
quickly, and cautiously stepped into the classroom after the  
teacher.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.7  
Private use only  
 


	8. 8

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 8  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
"Have a seat, Ranko," Miss Hinako said without emotion,  
pointing to a nearby plastic chunk of educational seating. Ranma  
nodded and squeezed herself into the chair.  
  
"I apologize for doodling in class," Ranma said.  
  
"Ranko, not only were you late, but your attention was  
shifted elsewhere. You have not started your career here at  
Furinkan out well," she said, plopping her more, umm, adjective  
rear on the teacher's chair. "I run a tight ship in my history  
class. History is an important subject, you know."  
  
"I know, I know," Ranma nodded.  
  
"I do NOT approve of delinquents who would detract from  
their own learning and the learning of others. Anything that  
interferes in the educational process must be removed, or  
rendered unable to interfere. Gichi, for instance, has a habit  
of passing notes in class, which distracts the mind. Hopefully  
now he'll stop doing that."  
  
"What did you DO to him, anyway?"  
  
"A tool of the trade," Miss Hinako said. "I have a method  
of dealing with delinquents, which the principal of this school  
approves of. It's a simple combination of a calming effect and  
aggression remover; it is very good for breaking up fights, which  
I am called upon to do quite frequently and will probably have to  
do this afternoon... now, you've shown no fighting spirit, so all  
I need to do is have a chat with you about your cartoons. Keep  
in mind that I may have to take added measures if you prove to be  
a threat to your own education."  
  
"Err, yeah," Ranma agreed. A threat to her own education?   
Sheesh, she thought, squirming in the desk, what is WITH this  
teacher? The last time Ranma saw someone this obsessed with  
something was... was probably Kodachi, actually.  
  
"You may go," Miss Hinako said.  
  
Ranma paused. Maybe it wasn't the best moment to try and  
get on her good side, but the sooner the better... she had a cure  
to find.  
  
"Miss Hinako, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you get  
that 'tool of the trade'?" Ranma asked. "And what exactly is  
it?"  
  
"I do mind you asking. You may go," Miss Hinako said,  
turning to her daily attendance reports.  
  
"Please, Miss Hinako, it's a simple question," Ranma said.   
"Don't worry, I'm your trusted student. You can tell me."  
  
"Trusted? You're tardy and ill-attentioned. Borderline  
delinquency."  
  
"It was the Ministry of Peace, right? They're the ones that  
gave you the fwoosh zap argh."  
  
Ranma had said the wrong thing.  
  
Miss Hinako's head snapped up as if she had been hit to the  
jaw with an uppercut. "What do you know about that?"  
  
"Err, nothing," Ranma said, trying to cover her tracks. "I  
was just guessing... I mean, we all know they probably do some,  
you know, experiments, which probably wouldn't look good if--"  
  
"I knew it," Miss Hinako said, slamming the attendance  
folder shut. "They sent you, didn't they? Delinquents, all of  
them! Go tell those brats I'm not going back, you hear? They  
can send any number of people to try and bring me back, but they  
can't make me go back!"  
  
"Whoa! Ma'am, I'm not from the MoP! Really!" Ranma  
pleaded, squeezing her way out of the desk.  
  
"That's just what the rest of them said," Miss Hinako  
replied, eyes narrowing. She reached for her purse, and pulled a  
tiny five yen coin out of it. She slipped it between two fingers  
and aimed the hole right between Ranma's eyes. "And this is what  
I did to them, too! HAPPO FIVE YEN SAT-SU!"  
  
Ranma peered at the coin oddly, wondering if she was  
supposed to be scared of pocket change. Now, oddly glowing  
pocket change was another matter, which this was; yellow glow  
expanding outward until it wrapped itself around Ranma, winds  
fwooshing by her head, like the winds of an atmospheric whirlpool  
sucking her in...  
  
The not-always-a-girl staggered, as if gravity had doubled  
in strength. Miss Hinako was fwoosh zap arghing her! Ranma  
lurched for the door, grabbing the knob and twisting it as her  
strength was pulled away...  
  
Coasting on the inertia of the door, Ranma yanked herself  
out of the coin's light. A new wave of strength, Ranma's second  
wind, presented itself; Ranma shut the door behind herself.  
  
"Get back here, DELINQUENT!" Miss Hinako shouted, as the  
window refracted a burst of yellow energy. However, as she  
charged out of the door and flashed the coin around, it targeted  
nothing; Ranma was out of sight.  
  
Miss Hinako grumbled something unprintable and tossed the  
coin in the air, catching it in her fist. The teacher stomped  
back into the office, shutting the door behind her.  
  
Ranma peeled herself off of a ceiling light fixture, and  
dropped noiselessly to the ground below. Exhaling a sigh of  
relief, she set off down the hall.  
  
Okay; befriending her is now officially out. Disable it is.  
  
*  
  
Akane sat in the lunchroom, bored.  
  
Now, she thought. Now was the time when Ranma would usually  
crack the first cooking insult of the day. Then Akane would  
return fire with a few comments about good taste, and they would  
eat a little, then argue, then eat...  
  
Not that she LIKED to argue with Ranma. He was a pigheaded,  
stubborn fool who never knew when to shut up. But until now,  
Akane never noticed exactly how friendless she was. Yelling at  
her baka fiancee wasn't much of a friendship, but at least it  
gave her something to do, someone to talk to.  
  
All Akane could do now for her hour of lunchtime was pick  
through a prepackaged school bento and listen to all the  
conversation around her she wasn't involved in.  
  
She almost considered counting every grain of rice in her  
lunch for something to do when another Akane sat down next to  
her.  
  
"Hi there," the new Akane waved.  
  
"Oh, hello," Akane said.  
  
"Mind if I eat lunch here?" Akane #2 asked, pointing to her  
still-wrapped mystery meat and rice. Akane #1 shook her head and  
continued poking at her food. "Thanks. It's nice to see a  
familiar face, if you don't mind the old joke."  
  
"There must be fifteen other Akanes in this room," Akane  
Tendo said, taking a quick survey of the students around her.   
"Doesn't that ever bug you?"  
  
"Heck no! Why should it?" new Akane asked, unboxing her  
lunch.  
  
"I guess it's supposedly normal... but it's still a bit  
weird, seeing yourself copied off like that..."  
  
"We're all a little different," the new Akane said. "None  
of us are really the original Akane, though I really hope I can  
be as great as she was one day. Didn't you read about it?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Coping with Clonehood. It was one of the booklets you got  
when they shipped you."  
  
"Oh, that. No... I was kind of mixed up at the factory, you  
might say," Akane admitted. "It was during that incident awhile  
back."  
  
"Hey, me too!" the other Akane said. "I got shipped out  
then as well. They screwed up the order and I was delivered to a  
pizza takeout service."  
  
"That's... weird."  
  
"It's turned out okay. I deliver pizzas to pay my way, and  
I get free room and board. I tend to get lost a lot on  
deliveries, but the manager didn't think it was right to dump me  
on the street before I figured out who ordered me. See the Akane  
over there? The one by the water fountain? She was delivered  
that night too. Someone ordered a Kasumi to act as a hotel  
restaurant chef, but got her instead. A few meals later she was  
fired. We can't cook, apparently."  
  
"I noticed," Akane nodded. "I feel like I should be part of  
some big ethnic group. A thundering horde of Akanes."  
  
"I don't know, I haven't really felt like that," the other  
girl said. "It's like, yeah, it's cool and all to have so many  
people around you like you, but I don't FEEL like I'm like them."  
  
"You too?" Akane asked. "Maybe it's culture shock..."  
  
"Maybe. I don't even have a proper name, since my purchase  
order wasn't in the box. For now, the manager just calls me  
Wrong Way Tendo."  
  
"What should I call you?"  
  
"WW would be okay," Wrong Way suggested. "Hey, you want  
some dessert? I've got a little extra change on me and I'm going  
back for some yogurt."  
  
Akane examined the line for the dessert cart, which  
stretched around the cafeteria nearly 3/4ths of the way. "Isn't  
the line a little long?"  
  
"It's okay, I'll just cut in," the other girl said. "Sure,  
it's against the lunch rules, but good yogurt waits for no one."  
  
Akane nodded, smiling. She could get to like her. Herself.   
Whoever.  
  
*  
  
"Excuse me, is Doctor Tofu in?" Ranma asked the health room  
nurse.  
  
"The Doctor is treating a sprained ankle in his office," the  
Nabiki extender replied. "If you'd like, you can wait here.   
What is the nature of your problem?"  
  
"Umm... upset stomach," Ranma said, forgetting that you  
needed a REASON to show up at the health room.  
  
"Uh-huh. Have you eaten lunch yet?"  
  
"No, not really..."  
  
"Since the health room is usually very busy, we recommend  
having students with 'upset stomachs' each lunch first and return  
later if the stomach is still ill," the nurse said, with a hint  
of contempt. "As you can see, we're rather packed."  
  
Ranma nodded. It was hard to miss the skinny, exhausted  
figures what were slumped against the row of plastic chairs.   
More delinquents Miss Hinako had to deal with, Ranma suspected.   
All of them shared a few things in common; zombielike moans and a  
tendency to drool. It kind of reminded Ranma of a scene out of  
The Stand.  
  
"It's really bad," Ranma faked, grabbing at her stomach. "I  
may have to unload my breakfast right here..."  
  
The Nabiki didn't panic, and quickly stuffed Ranma's face  
into a nearby wastebasket. Ranma wiggled away, and stepped back  
several paces, a small banana peel stuck to her hair. "It's not  
THAT bad," Ranma corrected, scraping the trash off.  
  
"Suit yourself. All the chairs are occupied," the nurse  
said. "You can stand and wait, however. Since your illness is  
less common than the rest of these students, I'll let you see the  
doctor next."  
  
"Weren't they here first?"  
  
"It cuts down on overhead and risk factor to let special  
cases in first. We get Hinako victims in here daily," the Nabiki  
said. "It's too common to rate it higher than other illnesses.   
When you heal the kids in THIS school, you need to manage time  
against risk or else nobody gets treated. You know how it is.   
Although we'd simply HATE to waste our good Doctor Tofu's time  
with fakers..."  
  
"Faking. Yeah, I can see how that'd be a problem."  
  
"Stomach any better?" Nabiki asked, poking at it with a pen.   
"You sound a lot calmer."  
  
"What? Oh... aargrhhhh... oooohhh... no. I'll go stand  
over there," Ranma said, pointing to a point in the room furthest  
from the nurse's desk.  
  
"Fine by me. You're number 034," Nurse Nabiki said, passing  
Ranma a ticket stub. Ranma took it and faked a limp over to the  
corner of the room.  
  
To avoid the stares of the Hinakoed students in the room,  
Ranma read anything she could lay eyes on. Various health and  
safety posters were tacked up, scripted in cheery Ministry of  
Sanitation blue; there was a poster of Kasumi Tendo on the wall  
as well, with the slogan A SAFE SCHOOL IS A FUN SCHOOL. Most of  
this poster, at least the face, was obstructed by an oddly placed  
plant, as if someone wanted people to keep from seeing it.  
  
In particular, Ranma noticed the doctor's union permit;  
Larry Tofu, Member #36 of the Loyal Order of Tofus. The Tofus  
were the only extenders to recognize the benefits they could get  
by forming a small ethnic group and unionizing; as a united  
front, they pushed the law so Tofu extenders could use Tofu as a  
last name instead of a middle. Of course, Ministry of Data  
stopped making them the moment the Loyal Order of Tofus was  
developed, but that didn't stop the existing ones from pushing  
the law in regards to extenders further and further.  
  
It couldn't be denied that the unionization of Tofu clones  
was a good thing. Tofu-established monthly meetings, checks and  
balances, and a less paperwork oriented system meant you'd get  
quick, effective treatment. Most families knew at least one  
Tofu, and relied on him for minor scrapes and injuries, since  
Ministry of Sanitation medical centers were notoriously slow and  
ineffective. Some Nabiki extenders were imported to speed things  
up, but for first and second aid, you just can't beat Tofu.  
  
"Now serving number 034," Nabiki called.  
  
Ranma chucked the ticket stub and walked over to the office  
door, letting the football player on crutches hobble past him.   
Ranma slipped through the doorframe and closed it behind him.  
  
"You may have a seat," Larry Tofu said, finishing up a Loyal  
Order of Tofu Treatment Postdiagnosis Form (one page, big print,  
and very streamlined). "Well now, what seems to be the problem?"  
  
"Actually, Doctor Tofu, I faked," Ranma admitted. "Sorry.   
But I really, really need to talk to you."  
  
"Talk?" the doctor asked, looking up. "I don't really have  
enough time... can I fit you in tomorrow? I really wish I had  
more opportunity for interaction with the students, but Miss  
Hinako really keeps my hands full..."  
  
"It's about that, actually," Ranma said. "I came THIS close  
to being... whatevered by her today. I was wondering, is there a  
way to turn off whatever power she has?"  
  
"Oh, certainly," the Doctor said. "It's a very simple  
procedure."  
  
"So why hasn't anybody done it?" Ranma asked.  
  
Larry considered the question. "I may have SOME time to  
talk... if you're offering to try and stop her powers, that is."  
  
"Maybe. I'm hoping I can, but I'd need to know how."  
  
"I would appreciate it if you did," Larry said. "She's been  
my largest epidemic for months now. Other students have tried  
and failed to stop her, but it doesn't mean that shutting the  
power off is impossible."  
  
"So why haven't you done it yourself?" Ranma asked.  
  
"How long have you been at this school?" Larry asked.  
  
"Just today. I transferred in."  
  
"Ah, so you don't know the whole story. See, the principal  
hired her specifically for her powers," Larry said. "She has the  
ability to suck the endurance out of a human being, tiring them  
out and preventing them from engaging in strenuous activity. A  
positive side effect of this is an increased attention span;  
unable to do anything physically, the victim has no choice but to  
grab onto the other senses and amplify them to keep from falling  
unconscious. Since she's shown up, we've had a dramatic decrease  
in school crime and an increase in grades. That's good for the  
school."  
  
"So you can't cancel the power because the principal would  
disapprove of losing these benefits and fire you?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Not exactly. While the Loyal Order of Tofus could land me  
another job, my reputation could be in danger."  
  
"From the firing?"  
  
"No, from the power cancellation. Let me give you some  
background here. The only thing that could give her those powers  
would be a modified metabolism... very simple to do with pressure  
points, actually, but it has to be applied in a very exacting  
way, and has some bad side effects..."  
  
"You know what's up with her?" Ranma asked, surprised.  
  
"I told you I've been researching this," Larry said, getting  
up to root through a filing cabinet. "It's a very ancient  
process, and was used in the old days until those who practiced  
it realized it could drive the human mind to obsessive insanity.   
Apparently, someone recovered those shihatzu manuscripts and  
tried them again. The results haven't been easy on this school.   
What I've been trying to get done is a negation her ability to do  
a power transfer, so she'd be a normal teacher and not a walking  
vacuum cleaner... it's simply a series of pressure points to undo  
the treatment... ah, got it. Here's a printout of my file on the  
cancellation procedure..."  
  
Larry Tofu unrolled a dogeared computer printout, and placed  
it on his desk. Ranma leaned over and examined it. There was a  
crude diagram of the human body, along with several techie  
medical notes in the margins. Five points were highlighted in  
red; three on her left breast surrounding the nipple, and two on  
her right buttock.  
  
"As you can see," Larry said, "If I was to apply pressure to  
these points, I would be looking at extensive sexual harassment  
charges. My career as a healer would be in severe jeopardy.   
Hence, I'm not really eligible for this task."  
  
"I see," Ranma nodded.  
  
"Sometimes I wonder if it's worth throwing that career away  
for the benefit of the students at this school," Larry said.   
"Still, if that were to happen, I would not be able to practice  
medicine again, which would be less beneficial to society. Now  
you know why I secretly try to get students to do it."  
  
"Nobody minds this?"  
  
"The principal minds. Miss Hinako obviously minds. She  
hasn't zapped me because she knows the school needs a physically  
able doctor. The teachers wish me well in my endeavors, but  
don't want to help for the same reasons I have. The kids like  
the idea, since it means they don't need to fear her. However,  
some of the volunteers are a little TOO enthusiastic about the  
job... you may have heard of the teacher-groping stories in the  
news?"  
  
"Yes," Ranma lied.  
  
"That would be my fault for selecting inappropriate  
volunteers. If anybody asks me for the pressure points to do the  
job, I try to predict the future outcome of such an endeavor.   
Typically I only pick strong students, and female ones."  
  
"Hey, I'm both!" Ranma bragged. "Brawn and breasts."  
  
"Ahh... yeah," Tofu said, a bit embarrassed by Ranma's  
casual tone about the b-word. "Anyway, you can borrow the  
printout if you'd like and try it. But first, I need to ask you  
what I ask most of my volunteers : Why do you want to cancel her  
power?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, you know, sick of what she's doing to the  
students," Ranma rambled. "Truth and justice and all of that  
mess, you know?"  
  
"Funny, that's the same answer most volunteers give. I can  
only hope your intentions are pure," Tofu said, rolling up the  
printout. "Well, good luck, miss...?"  
  
"Ran-- ko," Ranma said. "Ranko Ayukawa."  
  
*  
  
Ranma peeked through the classroom window, scoping out the  
territory for Miss Hinako.  
  
A perfect situation. Ranma counted ten countertops, ten  
students, and one room next to the front blackboard for  
equipment. It was Miss Hinako's Home Economics 101, her most  
underpopulated class, where she'd be the most vulnerable. Miss  
Hinako stood at the front of the class in l'il girl form, the  
power of age amplification having worn off. All Ranma would have  
to do is somehow get Miss Hinako in the equipment room, and while  
she wasn't suspecting it, touch all five points and that would be  
that. It would look a little strange, but as a girl, the  
confusion would be enough to let Ranma get away in time. Yuriko  
could send in a team to collect the powerless Hinako and Ranma  
could become a man again.  
  
Ranma took a deep breath, and opened the classroom door.  
  
"...heat the water to boiling level, and get your noodles  
ready," Miss Hinako said, going through the steps of today's  
recipe. "Put the noodles in and wait for it to bubble..."  
  
"Miss Hinako?" Ranma called, in a soft voice.  
  
"...let that simmer..."  
  
"Miss Hinako?"  
  
"...if it starts to turn brown..."  
  
"MISS HINAKO?!" Ranma emitted into the air at a higher  
volume. The class paused, all eyes turning to him, only 1/3rd of  
which were zombified. (Home Ec isn't typically a haven for  
delinquents, just bad cooks.)  
  
"One moment, students. Continue cooking, please!" Miss  
Hinako said, and bounded over to Ranma in a single motion.   
"Ranko-chan, I happen to be in the middle of an important class  
here! Why have you interrupted me?"  
  
"I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier," Ranma said,  
in the best Sad Puppy Dog voice she could manage. "Could we talk  
in that back room there? I really feel bad about what I did..."  
  
"WEEEEELL... okee, but only for ONE minute," Miss Hinako  
said, tapping her Lum watch. "Come along. And no funny  
business."  
  
Ranma nodded, and followed the shorter girl to the door she  
had scoped out earlier. No window on the door; nobody would know  
it had happened until it was too late, and Ranma had a clear  
escape path to the class door. Flee the building and never show  
up again, that's all she'd have to do to be in the clear.  
  
Ranma was spending so much mental power to memorizing and  
concentrating on her plan that she almost missed a familiar  
voice.  
  
"Hi, Ranko!" a happy tone from the third counter bounced,  
waving a kitchen implement at Ranma in greetings. Ranma  
recognized it as the girl who talked to her in the hall earlier,  
and gave a quick wave before entering the door to the back room  
and closing it behind herself.  
  
"Very well, Ranko-chan, what is it you wanted to say?" Miss  
Hinako said, turning to face her.  
  
Ranma put her fingers in preset positions, inhaled, and  
charged across the room. Miss Hinako, not expecting the attack,  
was easily scooped up in Ranma's arms as the larger girl made for  
the five pressure points and hit them each on the dot. The  
printout said she'd have to hold it for three seconds... one...  
two... quit squirming... THREE and still holding!  
  
DONE!  
  
The plan worked perfectly. Ranma had to restrain herself  
from breaking out into evil laughter right there and then--  
  
"Hinako-sensei, I think something went wrong with my  
noodles," the familiar voice said, as the door clicked open.   
"They... AIEEE!"  
  
Ranma freaked, losing her grip as the hallway girl dropped  
her soup in surprise, dousing everybody in the room. With HOT  
water.  
  
The now boy didn't feel anything, but KNEW what had just  
happened; the plan's blueprint changed from the confusing scene  
of a transfer student grabbing her teacher to some unknown  
perverted bozo groping a defenseless little girl.  
  
"AIIEEE!" Miss Hinako shrieked, in that perfect way little  
girls can shriek, jumping away from the offending Ranma. "YOU  
HENTAI! YOU MANIAC!"  
  
Ranma bolted for the door, carefully pushing the hallway  
girl aside. She bounced off the classroom wall, large metal  
object on her back CLANGGGing like a church bell as Ranma raced  
by like the wind for the class door. A success or not, he was in  
serious trouble and had to leave. NOW.  
  
"HAPPO FIVE YEN SAT-SU!" Miss Hinako yelled, charging by  
with a coin already in hand. Ranma ducked and slid diagonally  
across the school hallway, rebounding off the lockers for  
momentum and changing direction in time not to get hit by the  
yellow blast of light. Several students in the classroom weren't  
as lucky, thuds of exhausted bodies echoing as Miss Hinako  
rounded the corner and was into the hall.  
  
HOW was she still doing that?! Ranma asked himself mentally.   
He was sure he hit the right points, and for the right amount of  
time; according to the cheap color copy, that should have turned  
her yellow death blasts off! What went wrong? WHAT WENT WRONG?  
  
He rounded corners with lightning speed, seeking only an  
exit. Now was not the time for wondering what went wrong; now  
was the time for escaping ground zero.  
  
The girl with the huge spatula on her back watched the two  
run far and fast out of sight from the class window, not sure  
what to make of the situation. The other students crowded around  
the window, wanting to catch the last visible moments of the  
fight.  
  
"Hey, Ukyou, wasn't that--"  
  
"I don't know," the spatula girl said. "It LOOKED a lot  
like him..."  
  
"Man, you must feel awful, him going after your own teacher  
like that! That's LOW."  
  
"I'll feel awful later," Ukyou dismissed. "For now, I want  
to find out what's going on. Watch my noodles, I'm going  
outside."  
  
*  
  
Ranma ducked through the cafeteria crowd, weaving in and out  
of student clusters. Yuriko was going to be pissed, he grumbled  
to himself. How could he have botched a simple detective job  
like this so bad?  
  
Well, he was only human. Humans make mistakes sometimes.   
"It's not life or death deal," Yuriko had said... he could put up  
with another attempt to get his manhood back.  
  
For now, he had to make sure he didn't lose it to an  
enraged, coin-carrying muppet.  
  
Yellow arcs of energy soared over his head as Miss Hinako  
accidentally hit the students he deliberately sought cover  
behind. A wide, sweeping arc of lunchers collapsed in their own  
Mystery Meat as Ranma hunted around the massive cafeteria for  
exits.  
  
"GET BACK HERE, DELINQUENT! CROSS-DRESSER! HENTAI! HAPPO  
FIVE YEN SAT-SU!" Miss Hinako shouted, mowing down everything in  
her path. Ranma slid under a table to duck the wide-angled beam,  
ignoring the groans of the people he put in Hinako's crosshairs.  
  
There! A small door, just about man-sized, marked WAY OUT.   
It had a fire alarm attached to it, but frankly, Ranma had  
already raised hell. Raising it a little more wasn't going to  
hurt matters that much. Ranma crashed into the door elbow-first,  
pushing the door open and triggering the alarm.  
  
Bursting into the new day dimness of light, Ranma staggered  
wildly across the sidewalk. The door swung shut behind him; that  
wouldn't stop her for more than a second, though--  
  
With a high pitched whine, a grey blur zipped past Ranma's  
vision, panning the noise from his left ear to his right ear.   
The blur made a tight U-turn, and halted right in front of him,  
tires squealing against the pavement.  
  
"Get on! Quick!" Ukyou said, pointing to the back of her  
scooter seat. Ranma hopped on, resisting the urge to ask 'Who  
are you?' or any other potentially time consuming questions.   
Ukyou twisted the throttle and zipped away.  
  
Ranma turned his head, watching Miss Hinako shrink out of  
sight as the moped sputtered along at unsafe speeds. There was a  
bit of yellow light, but Ranma was out of range already, leaving  
his botch job far behind him.  
  
The moped pulled into traffic, the light traffic of taxis  
and bicycles that roamed the daytime streets. He was safe.  
  
"Who are you?" Ranma asked, now that he had the time.  
  
"Don't you know?" Ukyou asked. "It's me."  
  
"I can see it's you. Who you are is still in question. Do  
I know you?"  
  
"Of course you do, silly, I... oh," Ukyou said, cutting off  
her own sentence. "Uh oh."  
  
"Uh oh? What's uh oh? What's going on? Why're you helping  
me? Where are we--"  
  
"Zip it for now, please?" Ukyou asked. "I'll explain later.   
I think I might know what's going on, and if I'm right, I've got  
to get you out of sight before anybody spots us."  
  
*  
  
The moped kicked up sparks as Ukyou jumped the street curb,  
parking it against the side of a building.  
  
"Okay, we're home," Ukyou said, hopping off the bike.   
Ranma, who was still clinging to her for balance, was pulled off  
the bike as well. "You can let go now."  
  
"How can you RIDE that thing?" Ranma asked, stepping back.   
"It wobbles around like gelatin and barely takes corners without  
tipping over!"  
  
"It was the best I could buy for transportation, considering  
my profit margin," Ukyou shrugged. "Just a failed attempt at  
food delivery. Here, inside. I think someone you want to meet  
is in there."  
  
"Can I ask who you are first?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Sorry, I forgot," Ukyou apologized. "Ukyou Kuonji. This  
is my restaurant of sorts, Ucchan's... don't you remember it?"  
  
"Lady, I've never been here before in my life," Ranma  
replied.  
  
"That's what we suspected they'd do. Come on inside," Ukyou  
motioned, pushing the door curtain aside for Ranma to enter.   
With apprehension, Ranma tested a step into the building... not  
seeing anything explode or jump at him, he dared another few  
steps, until he was inside.  
  
"RANMA!" Ukyou called to the back of the restaurant. "We've  
got company!"  
  
"Customers?" Ranma said, without saying it. He felt his own  
mouth, wondering how it could make the sound without actually  
open, and position it across the room...  
  
"Not quite," Ukyou said. "Come on out and meet him."  
  
Another Ranma stepped out of the kitchen.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.8  
Private use only  
 


	9. 9

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 9  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Ranma looked at Ranma who looked right back at Ranma.  
  
"Who're you?" they asked each other.  
  
"You first," they added.  
  
"Stop that!" they demanded.  
  
"Maybe I should handle the introductions," Ukyou suggested.   
"Ranma with the pigtail, what's your name?"  
  
"I'm Ranma Saotome," Ranma said.  
  
"I'm Ranma Kuonji," the other Ranma said. "I'm you too."  
  
Ranma gave the boy a lookover. He didn't look a THING like  
him! His hair was a tacky blonde, obviously bleached, and he  
didn't have Ranma's favorite haircut; the braided pigtail. He  
wasn't wearing the latest Chinese fashions, ether, just a simple  
apron and work clothes. Okay, so maybe the face, eyes, stature,  
mannerisms and voice were the same, but that didn't mean  
anything.  
  
"I figured this would happen eventually," Ranma K. said.   
"How much do you know about this?"  
  
"About what?" Ranma asked.  
  
"About... well, what you are," Ranma K. said. "If you don't  
know anything, good for you."  
  
"But... I'm... you're..." Ranma started, at a loss for  
words. "Huh?"  
  
The blonde Ranma hung his head, frustrated. "You shouldn't  
have brought him here, Ucchan. Talk about your kettle of worms.   
We could sell live bait at this point."  
  
"I had to do SOMETHING, Ran-chan!" Ukyou said, stepping  
forward to argue with Ranma K. "He was being chased by Miss  
Hinako. You didn't see her; she was enraged! I had to bail him  
out of there. I would have done it for anybody else."  
  
"Yeah, but anybody else wouldn't have had culture shock upon  
entering the restaurant," Ranma K. retorted. "Next thing you  
know you'll be dragging Ministry of Economics guys in to meet  
your faithful husband."  
  
"Husband?" Ranma Saotome asked weakly. "What's going on?"  
  
"Ranma, you're having a horrible nightmare," Ranma K. said.   
"You hit your head at school and you're hallucinating in your  
sleep. It's an awful nightmare and you want to get out of it.   
Walk away from the restaurant, pinch yourself and forget it ever  
happened. Go home. It's better that way."  
  
"Whoa. I am NOT dreaming," Ranma said. "And unless you  
explain pretty damn pronto who you are and why you look exactly  
like me, I'm going to have to hurt you."  
  
"Was I that violent?" Ranma K. asked the girl.  
  
"Pronto is almost up," Ranma warned.  
  
"Okay, okay! Sheesh. You're just as pushy as I used to be.   
If you want to know so badly... Ucchan, can you talk it over with  
him? I'll go make us some tea," Ranma K. said.  
  
Ukyou nodded, and turned to the dark haired Ranma. The  
other one slipped through the curtain and into the kitchen area.   
"Have a seat, Ranma. This could take awhile. You'll have to  
pardon Ra... him, he doesn't like trouble."  
  
Ranma nodded, not out of comprehension but out of instinct,  
and took a seat at a nearby table.  
  
"Do you know about, whatsit, Experiment-R?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"I've heard about it," Ranma nodded. "I didn't believe it,  
though."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It was ridiculous, that's why! Yeah, right, me : a clone."  
  
"But you are," Ukyou said. "That boy there is the person  
they cloned you off of. He's the original Ranma Saotome, the  
human one."  
  
"And the hair?"  
  
"He changed it so nobody could immediately recognize him  
after escaping from the Ministry of Economics," Ukyou said. "I  
had a new record, a Ranma Kuonji, added to the MoD data files so  
we'd be safe. He keeps a low profile and nobody notices or  
cares. We're doing okay."  
  
"Who're you, then?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I guess they made you forget," Ukyou frowned slightly.   
"Ranma suggested that they'd remove most of your childhood links  
to people here in Nerima before you woke up... notably your  
fiancee."  
  
"I've never had a fiancee."  
  
"Actually, you did. Or rather, he did... it's very  
complicated..."  
  
"No it isn't," Ranma K. said, walking out of the kitchen  
with a tray of teacups and okonomiyaki. He set it down on the  
center of the table and had a seat. "It's very simple. I grew  
up, I went to school, I got engaged and three days later MoE  
kidnaps me for some experiment. I manage to escape when some  
idiot causes an explosion in the lab and I hightail it for home.   
End of my story. Yours begins there, and since you know that  
part already--"  
  
"You have any proof to back that up?"  
  
"I don't need any," Ranma K. said. "It should be plainly  
obvious. You know about Experiment-R, right?"  
  
"Supposedly."  
  
"Okay. It's all true. The pieces snap together, right? It  
explains how you and I can both be here."  
  
"How about if YOU'RE the clone and I'm the human?"  
  
"Memory," Ranma K. said. "Do you remember Ucchan?"  
  
"Who?" Ranma asked.  
  
"That would be me," Ukyou said, sliding over to Ranma K.'s  
side. "Pet name."  
  
"I take it that's a no," Ranma K. said, joining Ukyou. "You  
remember Furinkan? Your old home? Your old friends? Anybody?"  
  
"I've never LIVED here," Ranma testified.  
  
"Well, Ukyou here can swear that you did, as can a lot of  
other people," Ranma K. said. "When you left, I arrived. To the  
public and to the Ministry of Data we're different people, but in  
other respects we're the same."  
  
"So we're both human?"  
  
"Err, not the same that way," Ranma K. corrected himself.   
"Okay, enough facts for you. Now my turn to ask a question.   
What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm... doing stuff," Ranma said.  
  
"He was groping Miss Hinako," Ukyou stated flatly.  
  
"You trying to give my old life a hentai rep, Ranma?" the  
other boy asked, annoyed.  
  
"NO!" Ranma said. "I was trying to cancel her power. I was  
aiming for pressure points, that's all. It just didn't work for  
some reason. See, I have this printout Doctor Tofu gave me..."  
  
Ranma fished the printout from his backpack, pulling it out  
of the slot between two thermoses. He smoothed out the crumpled  
paper and placed it on the table.  
  
The other two examined it curiously. "Hmm," Ukyou hummed.   
"It says here you need to apply pressure once a day for a month  
to cancel the power."  
  
Ranma paused. "It does? Where?"  
  
"Small print," Ukyou said, tapping the paper. "Didn't you  
read it?"  
  
"I thought... I mean... Doctor..."  
  
"So you came to town to do that? Why do you care?" Ranma #2  
asked. "This neck of the woods doesn't belong to you anymore."  
  
"What's your problem?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I'd rather you not be here, that's what," Ranma K. stated.   
"The Ministry of Economics stripped away my family and my dojo  
and my name and gave them all to you, free of charge. Thanks to  
you, I can't get my life back."  
  
"If you were so eager to get your identity back, why'd you  
crawl into this hole as Ranma Kuonji, get a bad haircut and  
pretend you weren't yourself?" Ranma asked. "Why not fight back,  
and show the truth? You know what they did. You could put the  
MoE in a lot of hot water by letting the public know about the  
experiment."  
  
Ranma K. considered this for .0008 seconds. "No thanks."  
  
"No thanks? What kind of Ranma Saotome gives up that  
easily?"  
  
"I'm not Ranma Saotome anymore," John K. said. "I'm Ranma  
Kuonji, happy husband and restaurant manager. Given the choice  
between a safe life with Ucchan or a chance at getting myself  
killed for exposing government scandal, I'll take the first  
option. I don't want the truth bad enough to die for it. Ranma  
Saotome doesn't take stupid risks."  
  
"Yes you do!"  
  
"No I don't!"  
  
"Yes you do!"  
  
"No I don't," Ranma K. repeated. "Look, you don't remember  
that lab. They killed me in there, removing my soul bit by bit  
and transplanting it into YOU. They've got 'experiments' down  
there that you'd go white at the mere mention of, that's how evil  
the place is. I have no intentions of going back there in the  
name of my name. If it means chopping my hair up, so be it."  
  
Ranma took this in. "So that's how you feel, huh?"  
  
Ranma K. nodded. "If you were wise, Ranma, you'd do what I  
did. Turn back. Quit looking for answers in the dark. If you  
had left when you arrived you wouldn't be in the mental mess  
you're in now. Look where your stubbornness got you; you found  
proof that you were a clone. At least if you never insisted on  
finding out who I was you could deny it. Now you can't. Don't  
you see? The truth hurts too much to let it into your system."  
  
"You know, I'm glad you decided not to take your old life  
back," Ranma said. "I don't think you deserve it. Now if you'll  
excuse me, I'm going to go be Ranma Saotome, extender or not.   
Thank you for the tea, Ukyou. Ja ne."  
  
With that, Ranma got up and walked for the door, leaving the  
restaurant without so much as a backward glance.  
  
"You shouldn't have dumped on him like that," Ukyou said.   
"Poor boy..."  
  
"He asked for it," Ranma said. "Asked very directly. It's  
his own fault. Come on, we've got to get the place clean for the  
dinner crowd."  
  
"I'd better go talk to him," Ukyou said, getting up from the  
table.  
  
"What about the restaurant?"  
  
"You know full well nobody comes for dinner," Ukyou said.   
"I'll be right back, Ranma."  
  
*  
  
"Ranma, wait!" Ukyou called, running at top speed to catch  
up with the boy, who was sluggishly proceeding down the sidewalk  
away from Ucchan's. "Wait up!"  
  
"Why?" Ranma asked, turning around. "Mr. Real Ranma doesn't  
want me around. I've got work to do, anyway."  
  
"I'm sorry if he was a bit rude," Ukyou said. "He's... he's  
still got a bit of resentment for what happened to him, even if  
he claims he's moved on. I didn't think that you'd make him so  
angry... I hoped maybe if he saw that his old life was in good  
hands he'd be relieved..."  
  
"Didn't seem to work," Ranma noted.  
  
"He is you, you know. He's the human you were based on."  
  
"I know, I know. He's right; I have the proof now. I guess  
I can't deny it anymore, I'm a clone. He's the one who should be  
Ranma Saotome, not me. I'm just a mutation of him."  
  
"He can't go back to that life now. It's yours for the  
taking," Ukyou said. "And... well, frankly, you're wrong."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Ranma... my Ranma... really has changed," Ukyou said.   
"He's more of a mutation of you than the other way around. The  
boy I grew up with was a clever, lively person. A rebel of  
sorts. He LOVED to ask questions, even to the point of getting  
kicked out of a number of history classes..."  
  
"That happens to me too," Ranma nodded.  
  
"See, that's the difference," Ukyou said. "He's changed. I  
don't know what the Ministry of Economics specifically did to  
him, but the Ranma I got back wasn't the same. He was...  
quieter. A bit more passive. He was still the same loving,  
caring soul, but with a bitter edge to it. He didn't mean you  
any ill..."  
  
"He didn't?"  
  
"Okay, he did a little," Ukyou admitted. "Look, I just want  
to make sure you're cool with this situation I accidentally  
dumped you into. I couldn't just let you walk away after I  
thrust a personality crisis at you. You're not a *complete*  
stranger to me, you know..."  
  
"I'll be fine," Ranma said shakily. "It'll.. It'll just  
take a little while to deal with the fact that I'm a clone."  
  
"It's not all that bad, is it?" Ukyou asked. "From what  
little my Ran-chan told me, it sounded like they didn't do too  
much to you. You're effectively human, extender trademark or  
not."  
  
"Effectively doesn't make you human," Ranma said.  
  
"It makes you close enough for me."  
  
"Not enough for me. Ukyou, I've grown up trying to round  
things off to all or nothing. Like, a picture can't be a picture  
until you can see all of it or none of it. Either I have to be a  
human or an extender, I can't pretend I'm some kind of half mix.   
If I'm human, great. If I'm an extender..."  
  
"If you're an extender... ?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different.   
For right now I really need to concentrate on being Ranma  
Saotome, pure and simple.. Any other titles are secondary."  
  
"You are Ranma Saotome, alright," Ukyou nodded. "A spitting  
image of who you used to be back in the day."  
  
"Were you really in love with me... him... us... Ranma  
Saotome back in the day?" Ranma asked. "I wish I could remember,  
really I do. I honestly don't feel a thing about you."  
  
Ukyou nodded. "Ranma and I we were friends from the very  
start... without anybody else to turn to, we kind of turned to  
each other. We bought that restaurant back there after scrimping  
and saving, and wanted to raise a family there... plans haven't  
worked out very well."  
  
"Because he became a wuss?" Ranma smirked.  
  
"Ranma! My Ran-chan is NOT a wuss!" Ukyou said sternly.   
"No, it's nothing like that. We've got other problems... in  
fact... what time is it?"  
  
"Around three, why?"  
  
"Three? Uhoh... I gotta go."  
  
"Huh? What's wrong?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I can't talk right now. I forgot how late it was. They'll  
be here any second..."  
  
"Who's they?" Ranma asked. "Ukyou, if you claim to know  
whoever I am well enough, you KNOW I won't walk away from such a  
blatant setup as that!"  
  
"Don't worry, Ranma, I'll handle it," Ukyou said. "Look,  
you go home. Enjoy your life. I shouldn't be a part of it  
anymore. Goodbye."  
  
With that, Ukyou turned around and ran back to the  
restaurant.  
  
Ranma watched her go. Hmm. Maybe he should just pack it in  
for the day. He had no intentions of coming down to Furinkan for  
a whole month just to fight Miss Hinako... declare the day a  
failure and go home. Argue with Akane, eat dinner, go to bed.  
  
Yeah, right, Ranma thought, breaking out into a run after  
Ukyou. Not until I find out what's troubling Ukyou. I'd be  
tossing and turning all night if I left the blank spots of the  
picture unfilled.  
  
*  
  
Meanwhile, across town, Akane was eating a pizza.  
  
School was done for her, and her new friend was treating her  
to a free slice at the Burn The Roof Of Your Mouth Pizzeria.   
Normally she'd just go home with Ranma, but today was  
suspiciously devoid of Saotomes.  
  
"So where is he, anyway?" Wrong Way asked.  
  
"Hmm?" Akane mumbled through some extra cheese. She chewed  
a bit and swallowed. "I don't know. He said he had some  
errands... he's just skipping school, I guess. He was pretty  
mean about it, too."  
  
"What, did he yell at you for asking?"  
  
"No, he didn't!" Akane said angrily. "That baka!"  
  
"Whoa, calm down, Akane--"  
  
"No, don't panic, I'm not mad at you," Akane corrected,  
lowering her tone. "See, we argue all the time. It's almost  
expected of us now. Anything else is just... weird. Today he  
barely would talk to me, like he was ignoring me. I wish he'd at  
least tell me what's wrong."  
  
"That is mean," Wrong Way nodded. "Still, it must be nice  
to have a fiancee. I don't have ANY ties to other people, much  
less such romantic ones..."  
  
"There is nothing romantic about it," Akane said. "Ranma  
wouldn't know romance if it bit him on the--"  
  
"Still, at least you have someone," WW mused, cutting Akane  
off in mid sentence. "I'm still looking for Mr. Right. He's out  
there somewhere, I can feel it..."  
  
"WW, you've only been alive for a couple days," Akane  
laughed. "I don't think your ideal man is going to just barge  
into the restaurant. Give it some time. I'm sure you'll find  
someone you like."  
  
"I have someone I like!" WW brightened. "I... I just don't  
know who he is."  
  
*Break time's over, Wrong Way Tendo!* the PA speakers  
crackled, stopping the cheesy italian music momentarily. *I've  
got a delivery here for you. Come on back to the kitchen.*  
  
"Foo. That's my cue," WW said, getting up from the checker-  
clothed table. "Gotta run. If you ever need some dinner, stop  
by. Bring Ranma if you want."  
  
"Will do. Umm, WW?"  
  
"Yeah?" WW asked, hand already on the doorknob.  
  
"That's the door to the bathroom," Akane said, pointing to  
the WOMEN sign. WW blinked, and released her grip on the  
doorknob. She gave an embarrassed little smile and walked off to  
the kitchen.  
  
Akane munched on her foreign treat in silence. It was nice  
to find a friend at her school, especially... well, she'd have to  
admit it, a clone of herself. Akane read somewhere that hell was  
being trapped for eternity with a copy of yourself, but trouble  
hadn't even hinted at arising between the two girls. Either one  
Akane was too different from the clone norm or the other was, or  
both of them. 'Cloning' an extender didn't mean a carbon copy.   
It was simply a matter of two different people sharing the same  
face.  
  
Of course, Akane knew that she was the original. Ryouga had  
claimed she was a clone, but Akane simply didn't feel like one...  
she had a past, complete with emotional links to her background.   
She could remember the taste of Kasumi's dishes. She remembered  
how angry she was when Nabiki sold photos of herself to the local  
Kendo champion. She even remembered her mother, and all the  
emotional reactions she had when mom passed on.  
  
Akane didn't care about genetic makeup. Ryouga had it  
right. Clone or not, Akane was close enough to the original to  
be considered Akane Tendo in full. Human in all respects despite  
any labels she might be carrying. Now if only she could ditch  
the silly 'Tomboy' first name label she had gotten  
accidentally...  
  
WHAM! The door slammed open at full force, wobbling around  
on its hinges after hitting a nearby table. Akane looked up from  
her pepperoni.  
  
"Where is the Saotome Dojo?!" the boy at the door demanded.  
  
"R... Ryouga?" Akane asked.  
  
*  
  
Ranma opened the door twenty seconds after Ukyou closed it,  
and strode into the restaurant.  
  
Mr. Kuonji looked up from his mopping. "What're you doing  
back, Saotome?"  
  
"Where'd Ukyou go?" Ranma asked, walking through the  
restaurant towards the kitchen. Ranma K. blocked his path.  
  
"Beat it, Saotome," Ranma K. requested. "You've gotten what  
you've come for. We don't need you around here."  
  
"Ukyou said something was wrong. Something about a THEY,"  
Ranma said. "Who's 'they'?"  
  
"What do you care?" Ranma K. asked. "They don't concern you  
one iota. You've got no stake in this restaurant."  
  
"So call me a freelance do-gooder. Who's they?"  
  
"If I let you know, will you go away?"  
  
"Probably not, but I won't be leaving period until I know."  
  
"I'll give you one thing, Saotome," Ranma K. said, almost  
cracking a smile. "You're persistent. Okay. Go to the window  
and peek out, but try not to be obvious."  
  
Ranma nodded, and walked over to one of the restaurant's  
windows. He pulled the venetian blinds apart slightly, and  
surveyed the land.  
  
"Nobody's out here," he concluded.  
  
"Check out the signs."  
  
"You mean the Turn Left signs?" Ranma asked, looking away  
from the blinds to respond. "What about them? They're all over  
the city."  
  
"Since when do ten of them form a perfect line in the road  
like that?" Ranma K. asked.  
  
"There aren't ten, just nine," Ranma said.  
  
"Nine?" Ranma K. asked. "You sure?"  
  
"I can count, and so can you," Ranma said.  
  
"Damn. One of them got in," Ranma K. said. "Walk around  
poking things. He could be anything in here."  
  
"'Poking'?"  
  
Ranma K. was already pacing around the room, jabbing at bits  
of furniture and potted plants. Ranma shrugged and did the same,  
poking at chairs, light fixtures, menus, tables that yelped--  
  
Ranma jumped back from the talking table, surprised. The  
table somehow sprouted a head from its cloth, and started  
skittering like a crab across the room.  
  
"What the--?" Ranma started. Ranma K. pushed him out of the  
way and jumped on the table, trying to pin it to the ground.  
  
"UKYOU-SAMA! We're heeeere!" the table shouted with glee,  
bucking around in an attempt to throw the lighter haired Ranma  
off. Ranma Saotome dove in for the table legs, adding to the  
weight dragging it down.  
  
A small girl popped out from under the table, causing the  
cheap furniture disguise to crumple behind her. Both Ranmas hit  
the floor as the girl bounced across the restaurant like a  
superball, making a beeline for the order counter.  
  
The girl jumped over the counter, and into the kitchen.  
  
"It's inside the perimeter!" Ranma Kuonji shouted. "After  
it!"  
  
Ranma nodded, putting the 'What are we trying to kill?'  
question on the backburner for now. The two jammed themselves  
through the entrance to the kitchen at the same time, popping out  
into the cooking area.  
  
"I got him," Ukyou said, one foot propped up on a four foot  
spatula, which had the girl pinned to the ground.  
  
"OW!" the girl yelped. "Ukyou-sama, please, not so hard!   
Please let go of us and we'll go out on a date."  
  
Ukyou's eyes flashed pure anger, as she scooped the girl up  
into the air, and tee-balled her with the Spatula back into the  
main restaurant area.  
  
"Incoming," Ranma K. said, examining the unusual number of  
potted plants that had just appeared in the restaurant. "The  
Horde approacheth. Ranma, if you don't mind, give us a hand  
here."  
  
"What do you want me to do?" Ranma asked.  
  
"It's very simple. See those plants? Get them out of our  
restaurant!"  
  
*  
  
"A... Akane?" Ryouga asked, peering through the dim light of  
the restaurant.  
  
"Ryouga! Hi! Come on inside, I was just finishing up an  
early dinner," Akane waved, motioning for the boy to enter.   
"Where've you been? We lost track of you that night..."  
  
"I was out looking for you!" Ryouga said, darting to Akane's  
side and pulling up a chair too close for Akane's comfort. She  
nudged her chair away slightly. "I saw the Ministry of Peace  
take you away... oh god, the horrors they must have put you  
through! I tried to rescue you, but I got lost..."  
  
"It's okay, Ryouga-kun," Akane comforted. "They let us go."  
  
"They... let you go? No horrors?"  
  
"N... no, no horrors," Akane said unconvincingly.  
  
"That's not normal for them. I thought they let me go too,  
and they had put some kind of bug in my head... I hope they  
didn't do anything like that to you--"  
  
"Ryouga, please, I'd rather not talk about it," Akane said.   
"It wasn't a fun night, even if I did survive through it. So...  
how have you been?"  
  
"Worried sick!" Ryouga exclaimed. "I'm glad to see you're  
okay, Akane. How've you been holding up?"  
  
"Oh, okay," Akane said. "I'm staying over at Ranma's. We  
argue a bit, but it's nothing really awful. Life isn't bad."  
  
"You're staying with RANMA?!"  
  
"Well, he IS my fiancee-of-sorts," Akane said.  
  
"But Akane, now that I'm back, you don't need to live under  
the roof of someone that hates you!" Ryouga joyfully stated. "We  
can go off and leave this horrible country behind us. I think I  
know the way to America or China or something..."  
  
"Umm... Ryouga-kun, I don't know how to break this to you,  
but I'm not that extender you modified," Akane said.  
  
"But... but it IS you. I traced the work order myself and  
linked it to you. You are an extender, after all, and you  
exhibit behavior that proves you had your inhibitors removed--"  
  
"I know it LOOKS that way, but I'm not a clone," Akane said.   
"I can't do much to prove that, but I know it's the truth.   
You're just going to have to accept it."  
  
"Did Ranma put you up to this silliness?" Ryouga asked  
suspiciously.  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"Did the Ministry of Peace make you say this just so two  
free extenders couldn't be together?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Alright, then if you're not the Akane I'm looking for, who  
is?" Ryouga asked. "What other Akane has the same non-subdued  
personality you do? What other Akane is allowed to break the law  
or talk back to people? Akane, I've wandered around Tokyo for  
days looking for you. Every time I saw an Akane extender, I  
thought : could that be her? But each time it was one of the  
empty clones, lacking your spirit. I've talked to over fifty  
Akanes trying to find you, and found nothing but robotic drones."  
  
"Even if I am your Akane, I'm not just going to run off with  
you!" Akane said, getting a bit angry. "For crying out loud,  
Ryouga, I'm not going to ditch my life here."  
  
"What's holding you here? Is it that idiot Saotome?"  
  
"Of course not! It's..." Akane started. "It's a LOT of  
things. I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them  
to, but hey, life sucks that way sometimes. I simply can't be  
the Akane you're looking for."  
  
"There aren't any other Akanes like you in this city,"  
Ryouga said. "I've checked. And my Akane isn't just going to  
barge through the door and into my life--"  
  
KNOCK KNOCK, went the door. Ryouga paused.  
  
"Hold that thought," Akane said, and went for the door.  
  
*  
  
"And STAY OUT!!!!" Ranma Kuonji shouted, hurling the last of  
the chairs out of the restaurant. It cried out in pain as it hit  
the pavement, and scurried away, half its disguise lying in  
broken bits on the street. The other girls scrambled away, each  
in varying costumes with varying degrees of damage to them.  
  
"HONESTLY!" Ukyou exclaimed, flopping backwards into a  
nearby chair. "You'd think he would have given up by now."  
  
"That's the weirdest battle I've ever been in," Ranma  
Saotome said. "We spot one of the disguised loons, toss her out,  
and somehow she sneaks back in and hides again. These little  
street rats put up quite a fight too; look at these scratches and  
bruises! Do you know hard it is to get good skin with this  
pollution?"  
  
"Those street rats are 'he's, actually," Ranma K. said. "A  
bunch of Tsubasa model extenders. Ever hear of them?"  
  
"Can't say I have."  
  
"Only ten were made, thank goodness," Ukyou sighed.   
"Unfortunately, the clone base Tsubasa used to go to school with  
me. He's a bit... odd."  
  
"How odd is odd?"  
  
"Very odd," Ukyou said. "First of all, he's a cross  
dresser. Second, he's a disguise expert and loves to sneak in as  
a plant or bit of furniture. Third, he's madly obsessed with me  
and will stop at nothing to try and get me on a date. Once they  
realized that most of the original personality was leaking  
through, they stopped production."  
  
"The original Tsubasa got married to someone else and  
skipped town," Ranma K. said. "I used to know him. YOU used to  
know him. These clones are different, though; Tsubasa  
volunteered to be cloned before he lost his Ukyou fetish... now  
we have to deal with them each and every day. They always show  
up at three, and it typically takes an hour or two to make them  
scurry off to regroup and plan for the next day."  
  
"I wish they'd give it a rest!" Ukyou scowled. "I've GOT a  
husband, thank you very much..."  
  
"You mean you have to beat them off with a stick EVERY DAY?"  
Ranma gasped. "That's... awful."  
  
"Nobody comes to our restaurant anymore," Ranma K. said,  
hanging his head. "The critics noticed the problem and labelled  
the place a safety hazard. We've also had to keep the Ministry  
of Sanitation from closing us down. It's doesn't matter if they  
do, those hentai loons would chase Ucchan to the end of the  
earth."  
  
"They only attack once a day, but it's a grueling once a  
day," Ukyou added. "Man, I'm beat. I'm going to go in the back  
and rest a little while. Thanks for helping out, Ran-chan."  
  
"I always help out, Ucchan, I live here," Ranma K. smirked.  
  
"I meant him," Ukyou said, pointing to Saotome. "I gotta go  
rest. That spatula's murder on your back and arms... Wake me for  
the evening close up."  
  
With that, Ukyou headed off for the kitchen, and to the  
living rooms behind it. Ranma K. waited for the sound of her  
closing the door.  
  
"Ran-chan?" Ranma K. asked. "I thought she only called me  
that..."  
  
"We're technically the same person," Ranma offered  
helpfully. "You keep saying that."  
  
"Whoa. Draw the line, Saotome," Ranma K. said. "You and I  
are NOT alike. I don't take chances like you do and you aren't  
married to Ucchan. We lead two different lives. Why would she  
call YOU Ran-chan?"  
  
"Hey, I don't know. Ask her."  
  
"No. You're the one who asks questions all the time, let's  
see you answer one," Ranma K. stated. "What was she telling you  
when she ran out of here earlier?"  
  
"Not much, just apologizing for your behavior," Ranma said  
flatly.  
  
"What do I have to apologize for?"  
  
"You didn't exactly roll out the welcome mat for me, Other  
Ranma," Ranma said. "Instead of an easy transition I got a  
sledgehammer to the head."  
  
"What were you expecting, flowers and candy? I didn't want  
you here, you know that."  
  
"That's no reason to be mean about it. What threat am I to  
you, anyway? I don't want anything you have."  
  
"I don't know that for sure," Ranma Kuonji said. "I THOUGHT  
the Ministry of Economics just wanted to see me for a tax audit,  
then the next thing I know I'm in a basement cell. I THOUGHT  
they just wanted me to admit I was cheating on my taxes, but I  
found out what was really going on; they were cloning me off  
while I slept. Have you ever seen some hideous half-grown THING  
carrying your face, Saotome? You ever been told by someone that  
you didn't matter anymore, and everything you held dear was going  
to be given to someone else who looked just like you?"  
  
"Umm... no?"  
  
"I have. It hurts, Saotome. I don't want to get involved  
in that mess again. I don't want the Ministries in my life.   
I've scavenged my own past for a few things I could still hold  
onto, and found Ucchan. Don't think for a minute I'm going to  
just hand her over to you because you're more Ranma than I am."  
  
"Since when have I said I wanted Ucchan?" Ranma asked.  
  
"You haven't. They never told me I was going to be cloned,  
either. I'm not taking that risk, Saotome. I'm Ran-chan, not  
you. I want you to leave this restaurant and never come back.   
I've got my life and you've got mine and it's going to stay that  
way. I don't want the truth from you, I don't want to know why  
you're here, I just want you to leave."  
  
"Hey, fine by me," Ranma said. "I--"  
  
A scream ripped through the air, straight through the  
noncombustible walls that separated the restaurant from the rest  
of the building. Both Ranmas straightened up and took notice at  
the sounds of fighting coming from...  
  
"U... Ucchan?" Ranma K. stammered.  
  
Neither Ranma needed more prompting. Ranma let his clone  
base run ahead of him, plowing through door after door to reach--  
  
"UCCHAN!" Ranma K. screamed.  
  
The room was empty.  
  
There were signs of a scuffle; several broken Turn Left sign  
parts notably, as well as large spatula indentations on the  
walls. The large bedroom window was wide open, curtains blowing  
in the thick Tokyo air.  
  
Ukyou was gone.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.9  
Private use only  
 


	10. 10

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 10  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
"Not again, no, no, not again..." Ranma Kuonji mumbled,  
visibly shaking. "They couldn't have... they didn't..."  
  
"They didn't," Ranma Saotome agreed, crouching down to  
examine the debris. "The Ministries had nothing to do with this.   
Look at the costume chunks here. The charge of the Turn Left  
brigade did this."  
  
"How?" Ranma K. asked. "Why? Until now they've just begged  
Ucchan for dates... tried to sneak in and bug her... but they  
never wanted to hurt her. They're annoying, but not evil."  
  
"Something must have changed that behavior," Ranma said.  
  
"I hope she comes back okay," Ranma K. said, worried.  
  
Ranma paused, shredded plastic in hand. "What do you mean  
comes back? Aren't we going after them?"  
  
Ranma K. stared at the open window, watching the curtains  
flop back and forth in the night breeze. "We could... but I  
think Ucchan can take care of herself... plus there's the chance  
of someone spotting me. I'm not supposed to be alive, Saotome.   
It's dangerous for me to go out."  
  
"I can't believe you!" Ranma exclaimed, pulling himself to a  
full standing position. "You would let those THINGS haul off  
your wife and not do anything other than stand around and  
whimper? You're RANMA, man! You're supposed to go out there and  
rescue the ones you love. It's part of the job description."  
  
"What can I do?" Ranma K. asked. "The Ministries have to be  
behind this, they're behind everything. When they want  
something, they get it. You can't stop them. Why should I fight  
a pointless war? HOW can I fight a pointless war? They've taken  
Ucchan just like they took my identity, and now I'm never going  
to get her back, not ever--"  
  
"You're certainly not going to get her back if you stand  
around and whine," Ranma said. "Come on, we've got to go after  
them. Who knows what they're doing to Ukyou?"  
  
"But... I... if..." Ranma K. started. "No. I can't."  
  
Ranma reared back a fist and slammed it across his  
ancestor's jaw. Ranma K. reeled around, more out of surprise  
than pain, and slammed against a wall face first.  
  
"I don't care if you are still using my first name, you're  
no Ranma," Ranma Saotome said. "Ranma wouldn't just sit back and  
LET people walk over him. Now quit your whining, quit your  
bitching about how bad your life is and FIGHT BACK, for crying  
out loud. You're a disgrace to my gene pool."  
  
"You've got no right talking down to me," Ranma K. spat,  
some blood flowing out of his mouth in the process. "You're not  
even human, you stupid clone."  
  
"So I'm a clone," Ranma shrugged. "Big deal. I don't care  
about that anymore. I'm twice the Ranma you are. If you don't  
want to go rescue Ucchan, I will. Go ahead and retreat into your  
hole and give your life away, I for one don't give a damn  
anymore."  
  
"What do you mean, 'give'? It was TAKEN from me!"  
  
"Only because you made no efforts to get it back," Ranma  
said. "You submitted to them by letting the Ministry of  
Economics ruin you without so much as a raised voice on your  
part. Now you're giving your wife over. I hope you can live  
with yourself after this. I know I couldn't if I were in your  
shoes, which I am."  
  
"What can I do about it?" Ranma K. said. "What can I do to  
get it all back? It's too late for that."  
  
"You can't get it all, nitwit. You had your chance at that  
and blew it. Deal. You can still get Ukyou back, though," Ranma  
said. "A horde of ten wimpy Turn Left signs can't carry a  
kicking and screaming martial artist chef very far or very fast.   
If we left right now, we could get them before she ends up  
wherever she's going."  
  
"How would we find them?" Ranma K. asked. "Tokyo's a huge  
place, and impossible to cross without directions. We'd need to  
know where they were going to take her. Simply stumbling through  
the streets yelling 'UCCHAN!' isn't going to cut it."  
  
"Simple," Ranma grinned, delivering a savage kick to the  
endtable behind him, which yelled out in pain. "We ask him."  
  
Ranma K. blinked. The endtable sprouted a head from under  
the lampshade of the light atop it, and an arm from one of the  
drawers. "That hurt," it complained.  
  
"Where'd the others take Ukyou?" Ranma asked, grabbing  
Tsubasa by the chin.  
  
"How'd you know...?" Ranma K. asked, pointing to the  
endtable.  
  
"I followed the trail of costumes," Ranma replied, not  
tearing his eyes away from Tsubasa's. "It looked like one of  
them was hiding over here, so it was just an accurate guess."  
  
"We took her where we were supposed to take her," Tsubasa  
replied, unemotionally.  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"We're not supposed to say," Tsubasa said.  
  
"We could beat it out of him," Ranma K. suggested, cracking  
his knuckles for sheer dramatic effect.  
  
"I have a better idea," Ranma said. "Tsubasa, Ukyou-sama is  
in DANGER."  
  
"Nonsense!" Tsubasa exclaimed, wrenching himself free of  
Ranma's grip and crawling out of the bottom drawer. Underneath  
the silly furniture outfit, he had a basic schoolgirl's uniform  
on, with a nice big hair bow. "We aren't supposed to HURT Ukyou-  
sama. Just fetch her. The Ribbon hasn't said anything about  
hurting her."  
  
"'The Ribbon'?" Ranma K. asked. "What's the Ribbon?"  
  
"Ribbon... Ribbon... I think I may know," Ranma said. "I  
need to make a call. Can you handle our guest here for a minute  
while I use your phone?"  
  
"I thought we were going to go look for Ucchan!"  
  
"We will. I need to get more information about this first,  
though," Ranma said. "I might be able to figure out exactly  
where she is. Hold him... her... it for a second and I'll be  
right back."  
  
*  
  
Ranma pulled the crumpled slip of paper out of his backpack.   
He noticed the phone number on his Furinkan class schedule  
earlier, but didn't think much of it; now he knew what it was  
for. He quickly dialed the number.  
  
"Basement," a voice replied on the other end of the line.  
  
"Put Yuriko on," Ranma demanded.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Sorry, I meant Deep Thought," Ranma replied. The voice on  
the other end nodded (invisibly to Ranma), and the line fell  
silent for a few moments.  
  
"Status, Mr. Saotome?" Yuriko replied, coming in loud and  
unclear.  
  
"Hinako's a bust," Ranma replied. "I'd have to wrestle her  
to the ground every day for a month to make her safe. I think  
you can color this mission a screw up."  
  
"I was afraid of that," Yuriko sighed. "Alright. Go back  
home, you're already late coming home from 'school'."  
  
"I can't. I need some information from you," Ranma said.   
"Are you aware of the Ministry of Peace doing any strange things  
with Tsubasa extenders?"  
  
"You got a Tsubasa?" Yuriko asked.  
  
"One prisoner, nine escaped."  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"A restaurant called Ucchan's on--"  
  
"I'm coming over," Yuriko said. The line cut before Ranma  
could object. He shrugged, hung up the phone, and rejoined his  
clonemate in the bedroom.  
  
*  
  
Halfway across town/country/totalitarian state, a delivery  
girl was lost.  
  
Wrong Way Tendo had wandered around Tokyo for several  
minutes before deciding she was lost. The problem with this  
town, she thought, was that it all looked the same. Lots of  
different buildings, lots of different signs, lots of different  
streets, but the pattern was always the same. Perhaps, she  
thought, I could bring some paint and mark my trail. Yeah, that  
might work.  
  
For now, however, she had to ask for directions. The clock  
was ticking on her thirty minute delivery.  
  
She walked up to the nearest door, and knocked twice. She  
was sure she wasn't very far from 1102 Fuji Avenue, and would  
just need a pointer in the right direction to complete this  
delivery...  
  
An Akane extender answered the door.  
  
"Where is 1102 Fuji Avenue?" Wrong Way asked.  
  
"WW?" Akane replied. "What're you doing back here?"  
  
"Akane? What're you doing on Fuji Avenue?"  
  
"This is the pizzeria," Akane said, pointing to the clearly  
marked sign reading BURN THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH. "Did you just  
wander around in a circle?"  
  
"I... I think I did," WW mumbled. "Sorry to bother you..."  
  
"No bother," Akane smiled. "Keep trying, you'll find it  
eventually..."  
  
"Who's at the door?" a voice in the back asked.  
  
"Just a friend of mine, Ryouga," Akane called back. "Got a  
minute, WW?"  
  
"One, yeah," WW said, stepping into the restaurant.  
  
"Okay. Wrong Way Tendo, this is Ryouga Hibiki. Ryouga,  
this is WW," Akane greeted.  
  
"Wrong... way?" Ryouga asked, turning the name over in his  
mind several times.  
  
"I get lost a lot... Ryouga, right?" WW asked. "I gotta get  
back to my delivery and find Fuji Avenue. Sorry I can't talk  
more, Ryouga. Will you be here when I get back?"  
  
"Actually, I know the way to Fuji Avenue!" Ryouga exclaimed,  
grabbing his pack and umbrella from his chair. "I'll take you  
there."  
  
WW blinked. "Really? You mean that?"  
  
"Of course!" Ryouga smiled. "Come on, follow me."  
  
With that, the two left the restaurant without so much as a  
backward glance. Odd, Akane thought, and went back to the table  
to finish her cold pizza slice. She hoped Ryouga didn't make WW  
TWICE as lost in the process. The two were quite similar that  
way.  
  
*  
  
"We're not telling you where Ukyou-sama is," Tsubasa  
humphed, slumping back in his chair. "That's final."  
  
"May I hit him? Please?" Ranma K. asked.  
  
"Private party, or can anybody join in?" Yuriko asked,  
walking in through the open door. Ranma K. twisted around in  
alarm, facing off with the shorter, skinnier girl.  
  
"Relax, Original Ranma, it's just one of my friends," Ranma  
said.  
  
"Your door wasn't locked in any serious manner, real Ranma,"  
Yuriko said to Kuonji. "Yeah, I know who you are. I guess  
you've realized I wasn't lying to you, eh Saotome?"  
  
"Realized," Ranma nodded.  
  
"Alright, where is it?" Yuriko asked, despite the obvious.  
  
"It's right there," Ranma said, pointing.  
  
"You Tsubasa?" Yuriko asked, stepping over to the chair.  
  
"We are Tsubasa, yes," the boy replied, nodding with a  
bounce of the hair bow.  
  
"Why does he keep referring to himself as a 'we'?" Ranma K.  
asked.  
  
"Simple," Yuriko replied, grabbing Tsubasa's hair bow and  
ripping it off. The shorter boy yelped, grabbing at the air  
where Yuriko held it above his head. A wire antenna, previously  
folded down with the ribbon, sprung to full length and wobbled  
around.  
  
"What the--?"  
  
"Collective consciousness," Yuriko said, playing with the  
antenna. "Another of Kodachi's discarded toys. I've known about  
these guys for quite some time, but I've never been able to grab  
one for questioning. Looks like you boys have saved me the  
effort. I'll drag him down to the labs and we'll get some proof  
out of the little freak."  
  
"We are NOT a freak!" Tsubasa pouted.  
  
"You can't do that," Ranma K. stated. "We need this little  
thing to lead us to a missing person. The other nine Tsubasas  
made off with her."  
  
"What a shame," Yuriko said. "Ranma, you grab the  
crossdresser and meet me outside, I've got a van waiting."  
  
"I'm going to have to agree," Ranma said, blocking the path  
between Yuriko and Tsubasa. "We need him to help us first. Then  
you can do whatever you'd like with him. I called you down here  
to see if there was any way we could make him talk... he sounded  
like an MoP project, and you seem to know more about this than we  
do."  
  
"Not really," Yuriko said. "I know the history behind it.   
The few Tsubasa extenders that were made simultaneously decided  
to work for the Ministry of Peace one day. Despite being genetic  
copies of each other, clones usually don't do things in chorus.   
These ten were doing EVERYTHING together, moving like one unit."  
  
"We are one unit," Tsubasa replied.  
  
"Anyway, I heard about these guys wearing little antennas on  
the back of their heads, and got the picture," Yuriko said. "No  
proof, of course, just a theory. For proof we'd need to get him  
back to the lab."  
  
"We're not supposed to go off with anybody to a lab,"  
Tsubasa said. "We're also not supposed to tell you where Ukyou  
is. The Ribbon doesn't want us to."  
  
"The Ribbon?" Yuriko asked.  
  
"Ten to one says that's Kodachi," Ranma replied. "I think  
those antennas are making Tsubasa operate by remote control as  
well. Is there any way to override that? Interrupt the signal  
or something?"  
  
"You can't!" Tsubasa spoke out, frightened. "If we're cut  
off from the collective, we'll die! Please, don't fiddle with  
our antenna."  
  
"I am resisting the urge to yank the thing out by the  
roots," Ranma K. said. "Really, I am."  
  
"Why do you people hate us?" Tsubasa asked. "We just want  
to be with our dear Ukyou-sama."  
  
"Your 'dear Ukyou-sama' is married already, pal," Ranma K.  
said, confronting the boy. "She will NOT date you, no matter how  
much you plead. If you think you can kidnap her and get her that  
way--"  
  
"Oh, we didn't want to kidnap her," Tsubasa said. "We were  
told to so we did it. We're not dating her right now. Ukyou-  
sama is very safe with us."  
  
"How does he know that?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Collective mind," Yuriko stated. "Probably what one  
Tsubasa hears and sees is transmitted to all of them."  
  
"You mean they know everything we just said?!" Ranma asked.   
"They'll know we're coming! Would Kodachi hear it too?"  
  
"No way," Yuriko concluded. "If they kept constant contact  
with the Ribbon, it would allow enemy agents to trace the signal.   
Single incoming bursts for orders are hard to find, but a single  
beam of audio or video would be too obvious. Still, the Tsubasas  
will know. What should we do?"  
  
"We could knock him out..." Ranma K. suggested.  
  
"We could take him back to the lab," Yuriko suggested.  
  
"No to both of those," Ranma said. "We need a way to make  
him... THEM cooperate and get Ukyou back. Extenders can override  
their programming if they want to, they just need to be given a  
reason to fight it. Take Ryougas for an example. They overcome  
inhibitors all the time. What would make Tsubasa help us despite  
what Kodachi's programmed him to do?"  
  
The three stood there, thinking. Tsubasa grabbed his hair  
bow back and readjusted it, covering the silly antenna up.  
  
"Tsubasa," Ranma K. said, crouching down to meet his eye  
level. "This person, the Ribbon, we know who it is. She's a  
very, very dangerous person. She might want Ukyou to be killed."  
  
"The Ribbon would never do that!" Tsubasa said. "The Ribbon  
helped us achieve our harmony. The Ribbon wouldn't betray us."  
  
"Does the Ribbon ask you do to things you don't want to do?"  
  
"Well... yes. Occasionally. We didn't want to jump in here  
with tasers and take Ukyou-sama. It's not nice. We always were  
hoping she'd come with us because she loved us..."  
  
"So what makes you think that you can trust the Ribbon?"  
Ranma K. asked.  
  
Tsubasa thought about this. "Hmm. You may be right. We're  
consulting ourselves now about it. Please wait."  
  
"Make sure you guys don't say anything aloud, at least not  
the other nine," Yuriko requested. "If the Ribbon picked Ukyou's  
holding place, she's probably got it bugged. Tell yourself to  
act casual."  
  
The others stood around the room, waiting, as Tsubasa simply  
sat in his chair and stared into space.  
  
"I don't know if this trick will work," Yuriko commented.  
  
"It's not a trick," Ranma K. said without joy. "What do you  
think Kodachi uses these guys for?"  
  
"Well..." Yuriko thought. "They're the most efficient team  
ever made. They're masters of disguise. I'd say covert  
operations."  
  
"She wouldn't be ORDERING them to attack the restaurant  
every day, then," Ranma K. said. "The Ministry of Peace doesn't  
care about this place. Odds are the Tsubasas do that on their  
own, and it eats up time Kodachi could use having them do  
something else. The easiest way to remove their pursuit of  
Ucchan is to remove Ucchan."  
  
"REMOVE UCCHAN?!" Tsubasa yelped, breaking his silence.   
"But... the Ribbon... your logic is sound, we can see how that  
might be. We don't like that one bit. But you don't understand,  
we can't tell you where she is! The Ribbon specifically said,  
'Do not tell anybody where you have put Ukyou'. We're INCAPABLE  
of telling you, and if we tried, we might burn out our minds!   
What can we do? We don't want Ukyou-sama dead!"  
  
"She might not kill Ucchan," Ranma K. theorized. "She might  
just hold her hostage and torture her to force you guys to  
cooperate."  
  
"That's horrible!"  
  
"So's Kodachi. Now if you want to save her, you've got to  
tell us where she is!" Ranma Saotome demanded.  
  
"We have an idea!" Tsubasa said, smiling. "We shall protect  
Ukyou-sama. We won't let anybody into the place we're keeping  
her."  
  
"Can you do that?" Ranma asked. "You said you had to do  
anything the Ribbon told you to do. She could ask you to go home  
or stand aside as her own troops moved in."  
  
Tsubasa broke into a sweat. "That won't work? But... if  
that won't work... ARGH! We don't know what else we can do!"  
  
"Idea," Yuriko stated. "Note. Dynamic mental orders aren't  
an exact science. Dormant implants can cover almost any  
ambiguity, but in order to give the Tsubasa horde commands in  
real time, the software must not be very flexible. It can't  
interpret beyond the obvious interpretation. What we need,  
gentlemen, are holes in the Ribbon's orders that we can slip  
through."  
  
"The Ribbon's exact words were 'Do not tell anybody where  
you have put Ukyou'," Tsubasa said. "We don't see any holes in  
that."  
  
"Tell. Keyword," Yuriko said, snapping her fingers.   
"Tsubasa, you don't have to TELL us. Write it down."  
  
"Is writing the same thing as telling?" Tsubasa asked the  
Ranmas. They shook their heads.  
  
"We will write it down for you," Tsubasa nodded. He grabbed  
a pen and paper out of his collapsed endtable disguise, and  
scribbled off some words. "We will come with you to help you  
protect Ukyou-sama."  
  
"Gentlemen, I've got a van outside," Yuriko said, snatching  
the paper away once Tsubasa was done with it. "Let's get  
moving."  
  
*  
  
"Are you SURE this is Fuji Avenue?" Wrong Way Tendo asked,  
hiking up the pizza boxes in her grip.  
  
"Positive," Ryouga said.  
  
"Good. We've got two minutes left before this pizza's  
free," Wrong Way said. "I've never delivered a pizza in less  
than a half hour in my short life... I'd love to get one in on  
time, just once."  
  
"Here's house 1102!" Ryouga said, pointing to the numbers on  
the door. "Ta da!"  
  
WW grinned happily and skipped up to the door, knocking  
twice. Ryouga hung back and sat on the curb, waiting for her to  
finish the delivery.  
  
She seemed like a nice girl, Ryouga thought. She had more  
spunk than most Akane extenders Ryouga knew, at least...  
  
He thought about Akane's claims from earlier. He didn't  
believe she was the original Akane Tendo, of course. That was  
ridiculous. The real Akane died in a bomb explosion. However,  
it could be that someone else had removed her inhibitors... did  
he really have his Akanes mixed up? He had traced the work order  
over an extensive path, but was confident he had the right one in  
the end...  
  
WW loped over to curb, and slumped down against it, still  
carrying the pizza box. "It's the wrong street."  
  
"What?" Ryouga asked, shocked. "I thought..."  
  
"It's too late," WW said, flashing her Sailor Moon watch at  
Ryouga. "The pizza's free. I guess I screwed up again."  
  
"It was my fault, not yours," Ryouga said. "I thought I  
knew where Fuji Avenue was. I guess I was wrong. Damn my sense  
of direction!"  
  
"I would never have been able to find it either," Wrong Way  
said. "My sense of direction is kaput too. I guess two wrongs  
don't make a right, huh? I feel like such a putz."  
  
"Come on, getting lost doesn't make you a putz," Ryouga  
said. "It's a problem, sure, but like all problems it can be  
overcome so you can get on with your life."  
  
"I wonder if I got shipped to the wrong location because my  
aura of lostness enveloped my packing crate," WW mused. "Since  
then I've had no real name, no real home, no real boyfriend, and  
probably soon I'm not going to have a job either. This is  
awful."  
  
Ryouga patted the girl on the back, trying to comfort her.   
"It's not THAT bad. Do what I do. Break something. You'll feel  
a lot be... oh."  
  
"Oh what?"  
  
"You can't," Ryouga said. "I forgot. Inhibitors."  
  
"What's an inhibitor?"  
  
"The public doesn't know about them," Ryouga replied.   
"They're plugs put in every extender that keep them from breaking  
the law. Haven't you ever noticed that extenders are fairly  
docile?"  
  
"Yeah, I have," WW said. "But I've never had that problem."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I bend the law all the time," Wrong Way said. "Come on,  
half of them are just silly. The other half are important but  
can be slipped by occasionally without too much harm."  
  
"But it's impossible," Ryouga said. "Extenders just can't  
break the law."  
  
"Here, I'll prove it," Wrong Way said, getting up and  
walking across the street. She stopped at the other side, and  
turned around. "I just jaywalked."  
  
"Big deal," Ryouga said. "That's minor."  
  
WW hmphed, and casually ripped a nearby mailbox out of the  
ground. She tried a few warm up swings and casually slammed it  
against the asphalt, denting the metal severely.  
  
Ryouga gaped. "How..."  
  
"Hey, don't ask me, you're the guy who knows what an  
inhibitor is," WW said, tossing the mailbox aside and jaywalking  
across the street to join Ryouga again. "Pulling mailboxes is  
easy. Akanes are rather strong, you know. Supposedly we can do  
martial arts as well. Runs in the family. I remember the time  
when Nabiki kicked this guy in the groin--"  
  
"You know Chairwoman Nabiki?" Ryouga asked, shocked.  
  
WW paused. "No, I don't. Funny. Where'd that thought come  
from, anyway?"  
  
Ryouga fell over.  
  
Wrong Way yelped and quickly helped the boy back up to his  
feet. "Whoa, Ryouga-kun, what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing," Ryouga smiled dreamily. "Absolutely nothing."  
  
*  
  
The van rumbled along the streets, Yuriko swerving madly  
around the waves of taxis and bicycles.  
  
"Share the road, you pigs!" she shouted to the drivers as  
the van careened. "Honestly, some drivers are so RUDE."  
  
"Let's go over it one more time," Ranma K. said. "Tsubasa,  
what were the EXACT orders the Ribbon gave tonight?"  
  
"First the Ribbon said 'Go to the Ucchan's. There are  
tasers behind the restaurant. Use them to stun Ukyou and bring  
her to (can't say) as fast as you can.' 'Do not tell anybody  
where you have put Ukyou.' Then once we arrived she said 'Hold  
Ukyou and wait.' There haven't been any other messages. The  
Ribbon probably doesn't know we're coming."  
  
"She will once we get there," Ranma Saotome said. "If she  
picked the location, she's likely got the place kinked for audio  
or video. We're going to have to get inside, grab Ukyou and  
run."  
  
"But we were told to hold her and wait!"  
  
"Look at it this way. She didn't say HOW LONG to wait,"  
Ranma K. said. "Maybe that time period is up."  
  
"Great!" Tsubasa cheered. "This might work. We wish we  
didn't have to listen to the Ribbon. At least now we know we can  
look around the commands."  
  
"You know, you could interpret that as 'hold Ukyou' and just  
have them carry her out," Ranma smirked. "Save us the trouble."  
  
"I don't want them pawing her," Ranma K. said. "We'll go  
with interpreting 'wait'."  
  
"We wouldn't 'paw' Ukyou-sama," Tsubasa said, insulted.   
"We're not perverts. We love Ukyou-sama."  
  
"No, you love an icon. It's like you're Ucchan groupies or  
fanboys," Ranma K. said. "Hanging around like little puppy dogs,  
ignoring the wishes of the person you're revering as a living  
god. What do you know about Ucchan, anyway?"  
  
"She's cute and caring and cooks well."  
  
"Hey, you just described me," Yuriko laughed, honking the  
horn at some pesky pedestrians.  
  
"In other words, jack," Ranma K. said. "Tsubasa, you're not  
in love, you're obsessed. It's not going to get you anywhere and  
it's ruining her life and business."  
  
"She'll realize sooner or later that we're the right ones  
for her," Tsubasa said, words heavy like stone writing. "It's  
just a matter of time."  
  
"Can we argue about this later?" Ranma Saotome suggested.   
"We need to get her out of there first, wherever there is.   
Yuriko, where're we going?"  
  
"Here," Yuriko replied, twisting the wheel sharply to the  
left. The van shuddered to a halt outside the large four-  
charactered sign of Ikea, tires scraping against the cheap  
pavement.  
  
"Jeez, Yuriko, where'd you learn to drive?" Ranma asked,  
picking himself off the van's floor.  
  
"Learn?" Yuriko asked. "They have classes?"  
  
"The others are in here," Tsubasa said. "There are cameras  
all over the place. Normal security on the store, really, but  
the Ribbon is patched into them. We know because she told us to  
move Ukyou to a specific part of the store."  
  
"Where?" Ranma asked.  
  
"We can't say," Tsubasa reminded. "Come on. We're ready."  
  
"What kind of a store is this?" Ranma asked.  
  
*  
  
"Furniture," Ranma K. grumbled.  
  
Packed from floor to roof and all over the layout of the  
cavernous outlet store was furniture. Chairs, tables, chest of  
drawers, lamps, dressers, beds. All sorts of furniture from  
metal to plastic to fireproofed wood.  
  
"We like it here," Tsubasa said. "We can practice."  
  
"Can you point in the direction Ukyou's in?" Ranma K. asked.  
  
"No," Tsubasa replied.  
  
"Eh? Why not?"  
  
"We just got a new order," Tsubasa said, fear creeping into  
his voice. "I'm sorry."  
  
Tsubasa scampered off down the aisles and aisles of living  
room ornaments, as fast as his feet would carry him inside the  
silly outfit.  
  
"Damn. After him! Don't let him get away!" Ranma K.  
demanded, charging across the store after him.  
  
It was too late. Tsubasa dived behind a sofa, and as the  
others approached it, they found nothing but love seats. The boy  
had melded with the display with unnerving accuracy.  
  
"Ukyou-sama is in trouble!" a Tsubasa voice called from  
fifteen feet away. The trio span around, trying to track the  
source, until another piped in from nine o'clock. "We can't say  
where she is, and we're supposed to attack you." "The Ribbon is  
sending people over to hurt Ukyou-sama!" "Find Ukyou-sama,  
please!" "Hide from us! We can't stop ourselves!" "HELP!"  
  
"Where the hell are they?" Ranma K. asked, whirling around,  
trying to find the voices.  
  
"All around us," Yuriko replied. "Embedded in the displays.   
As anything. I think my chance of bagging one for evidence just  
went out the window..."  
  
"We've got to find Ucchan," Ranma K. said. "Where could she  
be?"  
  
"It'd take DAYS to search this place, man," Ranma said.   
"We'd never find her."  
  
"I don't care how long it takes, we're gonna find her,"  
Ranma K. said. "I'm not giving up that easily, not when I've  
come this far. Start looking around. Look under, over, and  
inside anything that can be looked under, over and inside."  
  
"I'm out of here," Yuriko said, starting for the door.  
  
"Hold it, missy, you're not going anywhere," Ranma K.  
ordered.  
  
"Bud, if I get caught by the Ministry of Peace, heads will  
roll," Yuriko said. "I've got orders. I'll be out by the van.   
If you chaps aren't done in here in ten minutes or if I spot  
anything red and gun-laden I peel. Try to bring back one of the  
little rugrats for me as well as this Ucchan person, okay?"  
  
"Why, I oughtta--" Ranma K. started, before Ranma stuck an  
arm in his path.  
  
"Skip it," Ranma said. "We don't hit girls."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Ranma K. said. "Alright. If I was a  
crazed pervert in a chair disguise, where would I put Ucchan?"  
  
"We're NOT perverts!" a voice from above called. Ranma K.  
looked up just in time to spot a barcalounger hitting him on the  
head.  
  
The disguise splintered away, the impact being absorbed by  
RK's forehead. The other Ranma reeled around, as the Tsubasa  
inside jumped out and dove for the nearest mirror display.  
  
"That little bastard..." Ranma K. cursed, wiping blood from  
his nose.  
  
"INCOMING!" Ranma shouted, as a desk lamp shot through the  
air at head level. The two boys ducked, and it crashed into the  
mirrors, shattering them; a Tsubasa screamed in pain, cursed at  
himself, and scampered across the aisle into a dresser setup.  
  
"You little punks!" Ranma K. shouted after the escaping  
Tsubasa. "You claim you love my Ucchan and you screw with us  
like this? Give us a clue! Her life's on the line!"  
  
"A clue?" a bed asked, rolling along at 20 MPH. Ranma K.  
pulled Ranma S. out of the way, and it crashed harmlessly into a  
lamp section with a minimal amount of shattered light bulbs.  
  
"A clue! Yes! Anything!"  
  
"Ukyou's in her natural habitat!" an endtable shouted,  
swinging by on a power cable. The endtable clipped Ranma Saotome  
on the back of the shoulder, but he managed to regain his balance  
to avoid the after swing.  
  
"That's not much of a clue!" Ranma yelled back as the  
endtable fell to the ground, a Tsubasa bouncing from it like a  
rabbit in the grass.  
  
"Actually, it's a great clue," Ranma K. grinned evilly.   
"Come on, I know where she is."  
  
*  
  
Yuriko tapped the wheel, perusing her magazine while the  
radio cranked out some generic pop song. Cute voice, bouncy  
tone, the word 'heart' inserted in sixteen places. Certainly  
number one material.  
  
She was busy circling the recipes when she noticed the red  
van pull up, three Ministry of Peace officers spilling out and  
taking defensive positions around the vehicle.  
  
That was her cue to hightail it. Yuriko started to go for  
the gas... but... oh, come on, RANMA was in there. She couldn't  
exactly let the little moron get himself killed like that. He  
was too useful.  
  
So, instead, she grabbed a Ministry of Economics issue  
rocket launcher out of the back seat, leaned out of the van  
window, and blew the MoP transport to hell.  
  
She tossed the smoking launcher in the back seat and resumed  
picking out recipes. That's another one you owe me, Saotome.   
She skipped over the dessert section; she'd already tried those.  
  
*  
  
They found her in Kitchenware and Barbecue.  
  
"Holy..." Ranma gaped.  
  
Ukyou was dangling from a ceiling-mounted crane, the kind  
typically used to lift furniture buys from heavily congested  
areas. She was out cold, her spatula handle hanging from her  
back like a third leg as her limp form spun silently on the  
hook's chain.  
  
The whole assembly was poised over an open fire, roaring in  
an expensive Safety Approved Backyard Barbecue Pit. Ukyou  
sweated in her sleep, fire well below her, but nevertheless below  
her. The controls for the hook hung against the far wall, across  
the pit, across the Turn Left brigade.  
  
"You bastards!" Ranma K. insulted the various chairs, tables  
and information signs poised around the pit, guarding it. "I  
thought you weren't going to hurt Ucchan!"  
  
"We don't want to!" one said. "We can't stop ourselves!   
The Ribbon knows you've made it this far, and that someone  
outside stopped her soldiers... oh god..."  
  
"What? WHAT?!"  
  
The Tsubasas shifted around uncomfortably. "No! We don't  
want to kill Ukyou-sama! Ribbon-san, don't make us!"  
  
Ranma K. freaked. He charged headlong for the pit, but was  
intercepted by a dresser which scooted in his way. He ducked  
around, trying to swerve his way over to Ukyou, but the Tsubasas  
were running on full remote now; they couldn't let him pass.  
  
"LEMME THROUGH!" Ranma K. yelled. A Tsubasa near the back,  
dressed in a basic schoolgirl's uniform, jumped for the hanging  
control box, and pushed the button for UP, raising himself and  
Ukyou out of reach.  
  
The other Tsubasas fell over, one by one, grunting and  
groaning from the pain of trying to disobey their orders. The  
clone on the control box clung to it for dear life, kicking his  
legs and trying to avoid going near the RELEASE button.  
  
Ranma's mind, reeling from the scene before him, surged back  
with useful information. "TSUBASA! All of you! They're just  
inhibitors, like any others! You can fight them! Ryougas do it,  
Akanes do it, any extender can. Fight back!"  
  
"HURTS!" one of the Tsubasas yelled.  
  
"It's either that or Ukyou-sama dies," Ranma reasoned. "You  
have to choose."  
  
Ranma K. paused in trying to jump and reach Ukyou, as he  
noticed the Tsubasas begin to smoke. One by one, tiny wisps of  
frying circuits floated from their heads, antennas sparking. The  
noise was horrible; not from the antennas, but from the Tsubasas,  
who were writhing in agony mortal man couldn't comprehend. Each  
Tsubasa, each member of the group, feeding to the collective pain  
of sheer willpower...  
  
Finally, the antennas gave a sick yellow spark and died out.   
The air hung thick with the smell of melted brainpan and toasting  
Ucchan. The Tsubasa on the control box fell off, inadvertently  
hitting the RELEASE button on his way down.  
  
"UCCHAN!" Ranma K. screamed, diving for the fire pit. He  
impacted against Ukyou's dead weight, pushing her to safety.  
  
Ranma K. landed on the other side of the pit, but not all of  
him. His pants caught on fire instantly.  
  
Ranma Saotome was at his side in an instant, trying to pat  
out the fires. Ranma K. made no noise; he was too busy trying to  
put the flames out to worry about the pain. Quickly, the black  
haired Ranma pulled one of his remaining thermoses out and doused  
the other down, putting out the inferno long enough to squelch it  
for good.  
  
The store was unreasonably quiet after that.  
  
"Ucchan," Ranma K. muttered, reaching weakly for the  
unharmed girl.  
  
"Can you walk?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I... I somehow doubt it," Ranma K. grunted. "We've got to  
get out of here--"  
  
"I know, I know," Ranma said. "Hang on, I've got an idea."  
  
*  
  
Yuriko hummed the last notes of the song incorrectly and  
finished her magazine. Those ones might work, she reasoned,  
pocketing the magazine. She'd have to worry about translating  
them later.  
  
A flurry of pounding directed her attention to the rear door  
of the van. She grabbed a pistol from underneath the dash, and  
approached the doors cautiously, picking her way around the  
seats.  
  
She kicked the doors open, and waved the gun around, ready  
to shoot anything red she saw.  
  
"Whoa!" Ranma said. "Calm down, Yuriko. We gotta get out  
of here."  
  
With a grunt of effort, Ranma hefted the tiny twin bed into  
the van, wheeling the two unconscious spouses in with it, pushed  
in close to keep them from falling off.  
  
"Gee, it's just what I've always wanted," Yuriko said,  
tossing the gun away. "What about Tsubasa? We need one of him."  
  
"Yuriko, in one minute, this store is gonna be SWARMING with  
bad people toting guns," Ranma reminded her. "Let's call it a  
day and get the hell out of here, okay?"  
  
"Couldn't have said it better myself," she grinned, hopping  
back to the driver's seat and flooring it. Ranma was pressed  
against the wall as Yuriko spun a full U-turn in the narrow  
street. The two on the bed wobbled around, but stayed put.  
  
"Lucky buggers," Yuriko laughed. "Even after that whole  
affair they find time for a roll in the hay."  
  
"Wow, Yuriko the Hentai!" Ranma smirked, moving himself over  
to the passenger seat. "Who'd have known? Jealous of her?"  
  
Yuriko went pale. "Gods, no. Most CERTAINLY not. Just  
trying to make a little humor, Saotome."  
  
"He'll be okay," Ranma commented. "I think he's finally got  
it through his head that there are some things worth fighting  
for. Can you see to it that no Ministry twerps come looking for  
them?"  
  
"I'll see what I can do," Yuriko said. "Ministry of Data  
contacts are terrif about keeping certain people out of the  
limelight. So, Saotome, what was it like? Meeting yourself?"  
  
"Not what I'd expected," Ranma commented. "But on the  
whole, it could have been worse."  
  
The van roared away into the night, turning geometry on its  
ear as it progressed through the Nerima cityscape.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.10  
Private use only  
 


	11. 11

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 11  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Kodachi looked up through the rain at the towering painting.  
  
Not a bad likeness, Kodachi thought. She was more surprised  
at her officer's reaction, which although expected, was in the  
extremes.  
  
"Don't stare like that," she ordered. "You could get a  
bloody nose."  
  
"H... Hai, ma'am," the officer said, averting his eyes from  
the thing.  
  
Kodachi was actually very amused. Towering into the three  
story range, drawn carefully around the windows, was a full body  
picture of herself, with a cartoony talk balloon reading 'I've  
got nothing to hide!'. Which was correct; the picture depicted  
her completely naked.  
  
"I have a MUCH better figure than that," she joked.  
  
"Ma'am? What do you want us to do about this?" he asked.   
"You just give the word and I'll have the boys go track down  
these Ministry of Confusion perverts faster than you can say--"  
  
"No thanks," she dismissed. "They're no threat."  
  
"But... the text at the bottom?" the officer asked, pointing  
without looking.  
  
Kodachi reread it. The words 'YEAH, RIGHT!' were scrawled  
in blood red letters near her knees, with a smaller, more legible  
paragraph next to that :  
  
We're looking for a few good freaks of nature! If  
you're a rejected experiment into biogenetics of  
Kodachi's and you're looking to get a little  
disgruntled at your ex-employer, contact us at  
an935@anon.serv2.mx. Friends and family of freaks  
are invited in the fun too! We're ready to  
believe you.  
  
Kodachi frowned. "Have the boys infiltrate... what's the mx  
stand for again? I'm not much on computers."  
  
"Mexico, ma'am."  
  
"Have the boys infiltrate Mexico and shut the server down,"  
Kodachi suggested.  
  
"Ma'am, I only see two failings of logic in that. One, we  
can't invade Mexico. Two, wouldn't it just be easier to find  
these guys and bring them in for questioning? I mean, this  
painting isn't the FIRST one we've found--"  
  
"I'm fully aware of the situation," Kodachi nodded. "At  
least sixteen of these things... still, it is little more than a  
prank, typical of the Ministry of Confusion."  
  
"What about the bomb they set off yesterday at the shopping  
mall?"  
  
"What about it? You have your orders, soldier. Erase this  
painting and the others and consider the matter settled. When  
the time is right, we'll punish these terrorists. Not one minute  
before."  
  
"Umm, ma'am, we tried erasing them... the paintings won't  
come off."  
  
"Very well, then demolish the building!" Kodachi said. "Do  
I have to think of everything myself? Honestly, what do I pay  
you for?"  
  
"Hai, ma'am! We'll see to demolishing all... sixteen...  
buildings," the soldier said.  
  
"And according to your files, you're late for a standard  
dental checkup," Kodachi said, examining the clipboard she was  
carrying. "See to it that you see the staff dentist."  
  
"Ma'am, I just had a cavity drilled."  
  
"That's not a standard dental checkup, now, is it?"  
  
"No, I guess not. I'll go get a wrecking crew. Don't you  
worry, ma'am, we'll get these paintings down."  
  
"Glad to hear it," Kodachi nodded.  
  
*  
  
Ranma sat back on the rear porch of the dojo, observing the  
wall.  
  
The wall wasn't much to look at. Once, he thought, maybe  
you would have been able to see the sky without bending your neck  
backwards like a PEZ dispenser... now there were stories upon  
stories of housing, business, commerce, stacked up beyond Tokyo's  
normal stackness.  
  
Even the Dojo had fallen prey to this... when it was built,  
several layers of apartments were installed on top of it. More  
efficient, apparently. Ranma never knew who lived up there; they  
hopped on the rickety elevator and went up without a second  
glance at the dojo.  
  
He still, however, had the backyard. It was littered with  
trash that the people towering above him would toss out rather  
than schlep down to a MoS depot, particularly the fish pond;  
which hadn't had a live fish in it in years. The water was still  
there, though, an everpresent reminder of his new curse.  
  
He was risking falling in simply by sitting on the porch,  
but this was the quietest point in the house. He'd been avoiding  
Akane, trying to keep his new Secret Agent Man job away from her,  
as well as his curse.  
  
Ranma sipped his root beer and watched the wall do  
absolutely nothing of interest.  
  
"Ranma? Are you okay?" Akane's voice called from the dining  
room, beyond the closed door panel.  
  
"Yeah, fine," Ranma shrugged off, taking another sip. Akane  
ignored his response and opened the door, walking out to meet  
him.  
  
"So where were you today?" Akane asked.  
  
"Doing stuff," Ranma said.  
  
"Stuff with Yuriko?" Akane asked.  
  
"In a way," Ranma said. "Lemme guess. You're rather  
unhappy about her hanging around me."  
  
"Why should I be?" Akane asked, a hint of bitterness in her  
voice. "It's not like we'll be getting married. Go out and have  
fun. Be the millionaire playboy with the bat suit in the  
closet."  
  
Ranma cringed at how close that hit to home. "Akane, you're  
probably not going to believe this, but nothing's going on with  
Yuriko. She's just a friend. Possibly not even that."  
  
"You're right, I don't believe it," she said. "Whatever. I  
met a new friend today myself, actually. She works at a  
pizzeria... Want to hear something interesting?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"In hindsight, I think I know who she was," Akane said,  
grabbing a root beer out of the cooler next to Ranma's battered  
lawn chair. "Remember Ryouga saying he modified an Akane  
extender? She acted just like it. Some memory flashes, able to  
break the law, and she gets lost a lot."  
  
"Akane--"  
  
"I know, I know, 'it's not good evidence and doesn't prove  
you're human since it's not 100% fact', right?"  
  
"Actually, sounds like a viable theory to me," Ranma said.   
"Either that or someone modified ANOTHER Akane in a similar way."  
  
"Which is unlikely."  
  
"Right. I'm beginning to wonder if it matters if someone's  
human or not. Sure, there are inhibitor thingys, but they're  
alien to the organic system of the body. So are trademarks. So  
once you remove all the add-ons, really, what does it matter?"  
  
"So you think I am human?" Akane asked.  
  
"Maybe," Ranma said, taking a tug at the aluminum can. "I  
do know one thing, though. I'm not."  
  
"Nani?" Akane blinked.  
  
"I can't exactly explain how I found out," Ranma said, "But  
I found out what Experiment-R was."  
  
The first raindrops of the evening fell. Ranma cursed  
silently, folded up his lawn chair, and dragged Akane inside  
where it was nice and dry.  
  
*  
  
"That was really, really dumb, DT," Nabiki said, watching  
the storm through her one way glass. "You had orders to get out  
of there if Kodachi sent the goon squad in. Why didn't you?"  
  
"Come on, NT, I couldn't exactly let them get caught," Deep  
Thought shrugged.  
  
"Why not? You told me yourself that there would be no way  
for Kodachi to trace them back to us."  
  
"That's no excuse to let them suffer and/or die at her  
hands!" DT said. "Call it a judgement call, maybe it was bad,  
but I made it. Not much came of it."  
  
"Using a Ministry of Economics rocket launcher to take the  
van out. I'd call that something. Plus, you didn't manage to  
bring back a Tsubasa for examination. You're running out of  
leads and I'm running out of time. Time is money, and my money  
is running out on this expedition. So is my time."  
  
"I thought you said time was--"  
  
"The point," Nabiki interrupted, "Is that you've only got  
two more shots for Ranma to uncover something we can use. I  
thought you assured me the Experiment-J water would get him to  
aid us. He let Hinako get away and he let Tsubasa get away."  
  
"He didn't exactly have a choice," DT said. "If we wanted  
Hinako, we'd be waiting a month. If we wanted Tsubasa we'd stand  
a good chance of getting caught. Lord knows where those things  
are now... I ran through the entire place with a heat tracker  
looking for them, but they weren't hiding there anymore."  
  
"Then there goes half your leads out the window. Put Ranma  
on the Happousai case and let's put an end to this."  
  
"Nabiki, please, he's only been at it for a day," DT said.   
"Give the boy a chance to adjust here."  
  
"I thought that's why we put off calling him until today."  
  
"If we pile stress on him like this he'll snap. You've got  
a lot riding on this gamble, and you shouldn't take risks."  
  
"Risk is the only way to get anywhere in business and  
government," Nabiki said. "However, I see your point. Alright.   
I'll permit your boy wonder a few days to recover. Then I want  
you getting him on the Happousai case. Got it?"  
  
"Sheesh, pushy pushy," DT grumbled.  
  
"I put up with your snide comments because you're the best  
operative I've got," Nabiki warned. "Keep that in mind. You're  
dismissed. Bring the results of Experiment-P up from the  
Basement for auditing."  
  
*  
  
"That's... weird."  
  
"I've heard weirder," Ranma shrugged. "I know it's still  
not 100%, but I think it's close enough to consider true. I've  
been finding lately that getting those last three percents are  
incredibly hard..."  
  
"No reason you shouldn't pursue them," Akane suggested.   
"There's still a chance this other Ranma was lying... that he's  
the clone and not you. What were you doing down there, anyway?"  
  
"I got lost," Ranma said. "But that doesn't change the  
matter : I'm a clone."  
  
"How do you feel about it?"  
  
"I don't know," Ranma shrugged. "I suppose I'm supposed to  
be beating at the walls and shouting half mad rants to some  
supreme being about the horror of my life, but I don't feel like  
it. I don't want to go commit suicide, or whip out an Uzi at the  
post office, or any number of other expected behaviors during a  
life crisis. Do I really NEED to feel anything about it?"  
  
"I guess not," Akane said.  
  
"I think I like this idea, then. It's not denial, it's not  
acceptance, it's just failing to care about the situation. It's  
quite easy and relaxing once you get the hang of it. You might  
want to consider it too."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Well, your status as a species is in doubt too," Ranma  
said. "If it doesn't really matter for me, it shouldn't be a  
problem for you either."  
  
"Hey, these are two completely different situations," Akane  
said. "I can remember my entire family life. Not little  
flashes, a continuous stream. Just because I've got a little gap  
where I was supposed to be dead doesn't make me a clone."  
  
"I remember everything too, at least what they wanted me to  
remember," Ranma said. "So it is the same situation."  
  
"But it's... it's... weird," Akane said. "I can't  
physically see myself as being some sort of cloned THING."  
  
"It's not so much a 'thing' as it is an ordinary person  
divided off at a certain point in time," Ranma said. "With you  
being a continuation from there, which, via chaos theory, changes  
considerably away from the original. That bunk about twins  
leading identical lives far apart from each other is just that,  
bunk."  
  
"Where'd you hear something silly like that?"  
  
"I found a copy of this handbook, 'Coping with Cloning'.   
It's quite entertaining. You want to borrow it?"  
  
"I don't need any stupid pamphlets!"  
  
"Hey, I'm just trying to help," Ranma grumbled. "Sheesh.   
Do a girl a favor..."  
  
"I don't need your favors, okay?" Akane said. "I'm  
perfectly alright by myself, as a HUMAN, thank you very much."  
  
"There's no need to get mad at ME," Ranma protested. "I'm  
not the one that cloned you off. Why'd you decide to volunteer  
for this ridiculous technology with your sisters if you didn't  
like the idea of walking xeroxes?"  
  
"I don't know!" Akane said. "I wish Nabiki never came up  
with this ridiculous idea. Maybe I'd be back at the Ministry of  
Peace, keeping the country safe instead of stuck in some  
pervert's dojo without knowing who I should be."  
  
"Again with the pervert crack, always with the pervert  
crack," Ranma said, groaning. "For crying out loud, Akane, I'm  
not a PERVERT. I couldn't HELP but to look at you when you fell  
out of that crate. You can't stick me with a label like that  
just for one incident!"  
  
"I can if I want!" Akane said, sticking out her tongue.  
  
"And THAT," Ranma said, tapping the outstretched pink thing,  
"Is why you're legally Tomboy Akane Saotome. You're so uncute  
you could crack a mirror. Why would I want to gape at something  
like that?"  
  
"My name is Akane Tendo, you moron!"  
  
"I say it's Tomboy!"  
  
"Akane!"  
  
"TOMBOY!"  
  
"AKANE!!" Akane finished with, jumping to her feet. "I'M  
AKANE! AKANE! Why can't you understand!?!"  
  
With that, she ran out of the dining room, stomping down the  
hall for her bedroom. The entire dojo and apartment complex atop  
it shook with the force of her door closing.  
  
Genma clicked his stopwatch, leaning in the doorframe.   
"That's a new record for you, son. I think you're starting to  
warm up to her."  
  
Ranma calmly tossed his empty can at his father, without  
looking. It bounced neatly off the elder Saotome's forehead.  
  
"That's rude, boy," Genma commented.  
  
"Whatever," Ranma said. "If that kawaiikune little tomboy  
wants me to shut up so bad, I'll shut up. I don't see why I even  
try talking to her anyway..."  
  
"Don't quit now!" Genma insisted, walking over to the table  
and sitting next to his son. "You two are just making progress."  
  
"How on earth do you figure that?"  
  
"Look at it this way. In the beginning, the only things  
you'd exchange would be insults. Gradually the insults would  
come after a few lines of dialogue. It's gotten to the point  
where you go for entire HOURS before the insults are thrown!   
That's amazing. You're doing good, boy, keep it up."  
  
"You really think that, huh?"  
  
"Really! Look, I know you're having your problems, but if  
the trend I'm observing holds, you two'll be kissing cousins by  
the end of the year."  
  
"That's gross, pop."  
  
"You get the point," Genma said, pushing up his glasses.   
"Or would you rather argue until the end of time?"  
  
"Aren't I supposed to?" Ranma asked, without really thinking  
about it.  
  
"Of course not! You're fiancees. You're supposed to  
support each other, not pay each other's medical bills."  
  
"Hey, I've tried!" Ranma said. "She keeps getting mad and  
calling me names."  
  
"And when she tries to be nice, the same thing happens in  
reverse," Genma said. "You're as much at fault as she is, but it  
only takes one of you to break that pattern. Trust me, boy. Try  
this for your father. Put a hold on your temper and take  
whatever she throws at you in stride. Don't ignore it, don't  
counter it, just accept it. She'll see you're willing to be  
sensible and will eventually calm down too."  
  
"You think that'd do it, huh?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Positive."  
  
Ranma thought. Be... NICE to Akane? The tomboy?... okay,  
MAYBE, and this is a definite maybe, she wasn't that much of a  
tomboy. She was violent, though. Could that really be cured  
just by throwing a little kindness at her and sticking to his  
guns?  
  
It would be nice not to have to yell so much...  
  
"Alright, I'll try," Ranma said. "Even if it's just so we  
don't get Ministry of Sanitation types bursting in here for  
disturbing the peace. We're not getting married, you know. We  
don't even LIKE each other."  
  
"One step at a time, son, one step at a time," Genma nodded,  
with an evil smile. "Now, there is one other thing I'd like to  
mention."  
  
"Yeah, pop?"  
  
"Your training," Genma said, dropping the smile faster than  
the speed of sound. "I haven't seen you train ONCE in days.   
You've been too busy gallivanting around with that creepy looking  
Yuriko person or arguing with your fiancee. You've got a backlog  
of training time to catch up on."  
  
"Hey, I'm still fit," Ranma said, flexing a bicep. "Just  
try me."  
  
Genma reached behind himself and slid the door open to the  
backyard, which was already a muddy wasteland from the rains  
raging outside.  
  
"Sorry boy, but to knock yourself into shape, you must train  
solo," Genma said, grabbing Ranma by the shirt. "OUT YOU GO!"  
  
Ranma tried to protest, but was soaring through the air  
before he could wriggle himself free. Please please god don't  
let me land in the pond please please don't  
  
Splash.  
  
Either Neitzche was right or Ranma's guardian angel wore a  
propeller beanie.  
  
Ranma pulled herself out of the swamp muck that had formed  
in the backyard pond, rising slowly out of the slop and gruel of  
mother nature and father industrial waste. Muck dripped from her  
hair in unpleasantly recognizable shapes.  
  
"You can come back inside when you're done!" Genma said. "I  
want you practicing your attacks for the next three hours, then  
you go talk kindly with your fiancee. GOT IT, BOY?"  
  
"I got it, I got it," Ranma whined, before remembering about  
the voice change.  
  
"Your lack of training shows, Ranma!" Genma laughed.   
"You're starting to sound like a GIRL! Ha ha ha ha ha..."  
  
With that, Genma slid the door shut, and locked it.  
  
Ranma cursed and cursed and cursed and cursed, scraping mud  
off of her clothing. The rain poured down, letting a better part  
of the filth wash off, but she'd still look like bride of swamp  
thing upon entering the house. Swamp thing could be dealt with;  
bride couldn't.  
  
How to change back, how to change back without anybody  
noticing...  
  
*  
  
Kodachi paced around her office, waiting.  
  
Someone was trying to find out her secrets. She didn't  
appreciate this; the very nature of a secret was that nobody knew  
it beyond the person who held it, after all. If a secret was  
turned over to the public, it stopped being secret. Kodachi  
never, ever lost a secret.  
  
Perhaps it was Miss Hinako. Kodachi had been trying to reel  
the little muppet of destruction in for weeks now,  
unsuccessfully... thirty teams she had sent out, only three  
bringing the girl back; and of those three times, she'd escape  
again. However, Hinako didn't seem to have a warlike spirit, nor  
did she seem to want to get involved with Kodachi again. No,  
Hinako was simply annoying, not deadly.  
  
The so-called Ministry of Confusion couldn't be doing it,  
either. Kodachi had seen the expert system projections of their  
behavior; the painting was a surprise, but once this new data was  
fed in, it projected no threat. They'd probably find new ways to  
annoy the city, but it didn't matter much to Kodachi. Let the  
Ministry of Sanitation deal with scraping off the paint,  
rewelding the mailboxes carved up to resemble Nabiki, etc.  
  
Hmm. Nabiki had to be behind this. And in all probability,  
Nabiki had set the situation up in such a way to prevent her from  
being affected. She had done it before, certainly -- Kodachi  
could count on two hands the suspected Ministry of Economics  
covert ops people she had dragged in that had no evidence of  
Nabiki's involvement -- but the girl had to slip SOMETIME. And  
Kodachi would be waiting for that day, at least as long as she  
had the patience for this godforsaken town.  
  
"Ma'am?" her intercom buzzed. "We've got the enhanced video  
from the furniture warehouse ready for your perusal. We even  
have a positive ID lock on one of perpetrators."  
  
Kodachi brightened, at least as far as was physically  
possible for her. "Namely?"  
  
"One Ranma Saotome, heir to some kind of dojo. We have him  
on file as being pulled in once before--"  
  
"Ranma darling!" Kodachi laughed, clasping her hands to her  
heart. "Ah, such bittersweet treachery. That wicked Nabiki, to  
use the one man I could never harm... much... as her agent!"  
  
"Uhhh... eh?" the voice mumbled, confused. "Should we pull  
him in again for questioning?"  
  
"No thanks," Kodachi smiled, slapping the OFF button on the  
intercom. Her computer displayed the digital footage, scanned  
off videotape... bad quality, but her photo editing and  
manipulation experts at the propaganda department could do  
wonders with showing truth on film, whether it was there or not.  
  
Sure enough, Ranma was there, along with some other blonde  
haired boy. The crew hadn't been able to do much with the other  
boy, since he had the luck not to be caught dead-face by any  
cameras. He looked a bit like Ranma, actually... perhaps someone  
in a cheap disguise.  
  
Still... Ranma! Nabiki simply didn't know when to give up  
her discarded toys, did she? That took balls, utilizing your own  
secret project to further your cause. It was what Kodachi had  
done with the Tsubasa horde, of course, but that's what they were  
designed to do in the first place. At least until they went  
brain-dead. Poor things... such good camouflage troops they  
made! The near-perfect warrior.  
  
That was the problem, wasn't it? Kodachi never managed to  
make the perfect warrior species. Hinako had been a fairly cheap  
conversion, shihatzu process simply lying in the open, waiting to  
be picked up by someone who could use it... but she proved too  
unstable, and untrustworthy. The Tsubasas were excellent, but  
had a little problem with ignoring her orders when three o'clock  
rolled around. Perhaps ordering them to remove the strange  
person they chased was a bit much, but she had little choice; her  
other troops were blown to kingdom come. Nobody else in the  
vicinity could do it.  
  
Who shot that missile? THAT was a threat, certainly. It  
was a direct attack upon her Ministry, one that could not be  
ignored. The time index on the tape had Ranma inside the  
warehouse, as well as the blonde boy, so it couldn't have been  
them. Did Ranma darling have a third little friend accompanying  
him tonight?  
  
There.  
  
A mere ghost of a shadow, standing behind the boys during  
the early moments of the tape. The photo crew must not have  
noticed this third party... before her van exploded, this person  
had left the camera range.  
  
Kodachi rolled over the brief segment of tape, back and  
forth, watching the dark blob on the screen. She tapped her  
nails against the table, fourth and fifth fingers making no sound  
as they tapped the ribbon dumped in a pile with her forms and  
statistic files.  
  
She tapped the intercom on again, and pushed the button for  
propaganda.  
  
"Propaganda," the gruff voice replied.  
  
"I want an enhancement on the upper left corner of tape  
seven... time index 0:00 to 2:00," Kodachi said. "I think I've  
found someone I can truly let out my anger on."  
  
"Roger. Do you want an ID lock and pull once we clear the  
image up?"  
  
"Negative, Propaganda. Too obvious. I think I may use the  
specialist on this one."  
  
"Ma'am, I thought the specialist died months ago..."  
  
"I made sure to train a new one, anticipating such a need,"  
Kodachi said, eyeing a duplicate form lying on her desk.  
  
*  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.  
  
"Go away, Ranma!" Akane ordered, throwing a pillow at her  
door. She returned to what she was doing.  
  
"It's your father in law," Genma replied, slightly muffled  
from behind the door.  
  
"Oh!" Akane gasped, wiping her face off. "Okay. One  
second."  
  
She regained her dignity, straightened out her clothing and  
went for the door. Genma filled the doorway, not seething with  
rage at being treated rude.  
  
"Gomen, Mr. Saotome," Akane apologized. "I just assumed..."  
  
"It's okay, I can understand why," Genma nodded, walking in  
and closing the door. "Ranma means well, you know. It's just  
that he's not very good with words, especially not ones to the  
opposite gender."  
  
"Such a baka... what right does he have claiming I'm not  
human?" Akane asked. "It's like he WANTS to make me angry."  
  
"Actually, Akane, it's more like you want him to make you  
angry," Genma grinned.  
  
"..." Akane started.  
  
"I've been observing you two," Genma noted, waving his  
stopwatch around. "You like to fight. Shows you care."  
  
"I don't care for that baka!"  
  
"Then why have you been crying?" Genma asked.  
  
"I have not!" Akane sniffled.  
  
"Uh-huh. I can see the riverbeds. Don't worry, Akane, I'm  
not here to insult you. I'd just like to ask that you give my  
son a chance. If both of you can keep your tempers in check long  
enough and ignore the urge to argue, maybe the dojo'll be a more  
peaceful place because of it."  
  
"There's no way I could get along with him," Akane denied.   
"Never, ever, ever. He's just so... SO... I don't know. So  
something that I can't explain."  
  
"I know you're having a problem expressing it," Genma said,  
"But give it a shot. Be nice to him for awhile. Try for me.   
Please?"  
  
Akane thought. NOT argue with that baka? The one who calls  
her names, sticks his tongue out at her, what have you... but it  
would be nice, just a bit nice for a change not to need to  
argue...  
  
"I'll try," Akane nodded, wiping her nose with a hankie.   
"Ugh, I'm a mess. I think I'm going to go take a bath. Mr.  
Saotome?... thanks."  
  
Genma nodded, smiling, and headed out of the room.  
  
*  
  
While the two children were contemplating their future,  
Genma was celebrating his.  
  
Hah. And that ridiculous Psychology 101 teacher said he was  
no better than a D+. Genma was busy basking in the glow of his  
own ego, Genma the Relationship Doctor, Genma the Healer of  
Broken Homes, Genma the Wise. Maybe he could get a radio show!  
  
"Hello, you're live with Dr. Saotome... I'm listening," he  
said to the air, chuckling and kicking back some beer.  
  
Well, okay, maybe that was pushing it. But still... WHOA!   
Single handedly got his kids back on the path of true happiness.   
Nothing could stop the wedding now; Abigail Nodoka would be so  
proud. What could possibly go wrong?  
  
*  
  
Ranma wiped the water out of her eyes for the fourth time.  
  
She couldn't believe it. She had tried climbing the  
building to no avail. The trees snapped easily with her weight.   
The door was locked, and to rip through the paper covering was  
simply unthinkable. There was no way around to the front of the  
dojo... but the bathroom window was open. WIDE OPEN.  
  
How could she not notice the PERFECT escape route?! Just  
slip in there, run a hot bath, scrub up and go inside. Sure, pop  
would be mad she didn't train, but Ranma did NOT want to catch a  
cold in this horrible weather. She's go talk to Akane, see what  
comes of it, and finally put an end to this weird day with a good  
night's rest. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.  
  
Ranma eased herself up to the window, which was at head-  
height, and pulled herself inside, expecting to land in the empty  
bathtub.  
  
Funny, she thought on the way in, how there was steam rising  
from the tub...  
  
Ranma plopped into the hot water, causing the tub to  
overflow and water to run down the drain. His muscles rearranged  
themselves to their original positions, with little or no  
reaction; Ranma was too busy reacting to the other person in the  
tub, who had just reacted his presence.  
  
Akane squirmed away from the muddy, eye-popping Ranma,  
trying to cover whatever she could. "AIEEEEEEE!" she stated.  
  
"Aaaa... AKANE?!" Ranma gasped.  
  
"YOU HENTAI!!!" Akane screamed. "And after I almost  
considered... OOOOHHH!"  
  
"Whoa, hold up, Akane, I can expl--"  
  
" R A N M A N O B A K A ! " Akane thundered, rearing  
back for a swing.  
  
*  
  
Genma choked violently on his beverage as an explosion  
rocked the dojo, and the housing above. Dogs barked. Neighbors  
screamed incoherently.  
  
He dropped the half empty can and charged down the hall,  
towards the source of the disturbance, only to see Ranma embedded  
three inches into the wall, with Akane (wrapped in a towel)  
trying to pull him out.  
  
"HENTAI! HENTAI!" Akane shouted, slapping the dazed boy  
around. Genma quickly slid to a halt, and grabbed Akane to pull  
her away.  
  
"Whoa!" he wheezed, using all his strength to peel the girl  
away from his son. "What happened?"  
  
"I was taking a bath and this peeping tom fell in from the  
window!" Akane shouted, pointing to Ranma, whose eyes were  
rolling around independently. "I should have never listened to  
you. He IS a pervert, and an IDIOT!"  
  
"Uuurggh..." Ranma groaned, stumbling out of his impression  
in the wall. "If YOU would sit still for a minute and listen to  
my explanations before getting violent, you'd KNOW what that was  
all about."  
  
"I don't want your excuses! I had you pegged as a weirdo  
from the start, and it looks like I'm right," Akane said,  
wrestling out of Genma's grip. "I HATE YOU!"  
  
"That's mutual!" Ranma yelled back. "How could ANYBODY  
marry a violent maniac like you? I'd be murdered before my  
wedding day over choice of dinnerware pattern!"  
  
"You're the meanest... no, meanest is too POSITIVE for what  
you are!" Akane said. "Ranma, you're meaner than mean. You're  
just evil!"  
  
"Ehhhh... ummmm..." Genma started, not quite sure where his  
mystical powers over the human psyche went. "Can I say  
something?"  
  
"NO!!" both kids shouted, air currents physically knocking  
Genma over.  
  
"Look, Akane, you're can't go exploding over every little  
thing I do!" Ranma said. "Honestly, you've got to calm down once  
in awhile! You're practically wired to explode twenty four hours  
a day!"  
  
"You're one to speak, always calling me -- and even NAMING  
me -- a Tomboy," Akane reminded. "I don't have to sit here and  
take this abuse from you."  
  
"Neither do I, for that matter!" Ranma said. "If I didn't  
live here I'd be out the door like THAT."  
  
"What, so you're saying you want me to leave?" Akane asked,  
snarling.  
  
"What? No, but--"  
  
"Then fine, I'm out of here!" Akane proclaimed, stomping off  
to her room. Ranma groaned, muttered something about cuteness  
and followed.  
  
"I just wanted to say..." Genma started, before realizing  
there was nobody left to talk to.  
  
*  
  
"Akane, you can't be serious," Ranma said, watching the  
whirling ball of annoyed girl toss whatever possessions she had  
into a shopping back. "You can't move out. Where would you go?   
You don't have a job, you don't have anywhere to stay, you don't  
have any friends--"  
  
"I do too have friends," Akane said, grabbing her schoolbag  
off the floor. "Lots of friends. A list. You're not on that  
list, of course."  
  
"I'm not surprised. Alright, if you want to jump to  
conclusions about me, storm out of here and get killed on the  
streets, fine by me. Serves you right."  
  
Akane paused to smack Ranma one across the cheek, and was  
right back into her angry stomp towards the door.  
  
"TOMBOY!" Ranma called to her, rubbing his face.  
  
"PERVERT!" she shouted, without a backwards glance. The  
door opened, the door slammed, the building shook and that was  
that.  
  
Hmph. Well, it's probably better this way, Ranma reasoned.   
Clearly she didn't like life here and I clearly didn't like  
having her around, yelling at me and beating me up. Maybe now  
that she's gone my life will settle down a little--  
  
Ranma felt himself being lifted off the ground. He derailed  
his train of thought and looked up, directly into Genma's eyes.   
If it was possible, they would have been burning red with the  
very fires of hell.  
  
"YOU FOOL!" Genma insulted, tossing Ranma against the  
nearest wall. "What happened to calming down? What happened to  
your promise to get along with Akane?"  
  
"It's not my fault," Ranma objected, sliding up against the  
wall. "If she would have shut up and listened--"  
  
"It was BOTH of your faults," Genma said. "And if she's  
leaving this house, so are you!"  
  
"I wish she'd... eh?" Ranma stopped.  
  
"Pack and get out," Genma said, pointing to the door. "And  
you're not coming back until you've got Akane with you!"  
  
*  
  
Akane charged blindly through the rain, not particularly  
caring where the currents took her. The water was leaking into  
her open shopping bag, probably drenching her only material  
possessions in life, but she didn't care about that either.  
  
"Ranma no baka," the muttered to herself, picking up her  
running pace a little more. Anything to get her away from that  
dojo.  
  
She realized this was probably a mistake, but there wasn't  
any turning back now. It was expected of her to leave now and  
not come back... to come running and crying after a scene like  
that was simply, well, stupid. No. She had to keep going.   
Maybe she could get Wrong Way to put her up, or maybe go see  
Gosunkugi--  
  
Her forward momentum resulted in a very nasty bounce as the  
red-suited officer stepped out from a nearby alley. Akane lost  
her balance, and landed rear first on the wet concrete.  
  
Henry Tuttle Wataru stepped out after the massive trooper.  
  
"Out for a bit of a stroll, miss?" he asked, grinning.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.11  
Private use only  
 


	12. 12

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 12  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Ranma trudged along the rainy streets, her waterproofproof  
shoes leaking nicely.  
  
Already changed into a female, insult was added to injury as  
the cold rains prompted another spasm of sneezing. Ranma reeled  
from blow after blow, until finally her nose calmed down and  
resumed freezing to death.  
  
Gee, tonight had taken a turn for the worse. She makes a  
perfectly ordinary mistake of falling into an occupied bathtub  
and now she's homeless, fianceeless, and probably disowned from  
the family. Ranma had gone beyond 'angry' and was in new and  
exciting levels of bitterness.  
  
She could see how Akane could misinterpret her actions,  
though. If Ranma was hentai enough she could have been peeking  
on the tomboy, leering in far enough to fall in. Certainly would  
be normal behavior for a pervert, which Ranma wasn't. Akane  
didn't have to explode like that, though... Ranma played along  
with Akane's anger, without much of an option... and now this.   
She hadn't wanted this to happen, but it had.  
  
As for what to do now... she was just going to have to find  
the silly tomboy. Find her before someone else does.  
  
"Ah, Ranma," Yuriko waved from underneath a black umbrella.   
"Greetings. I was just on my way down there. What's up?"  
  
"Go away, Yuriko," Ranma politely requested.  
  
"Someone's copping an attitude. Cheer up! We've managed to  
locate a new lead. It's a bit earlier than I'd have liked, since  
you just got off the last one, but I don't get to set the  
schedule myself..."  
  
"Akane ran away," Ranma said, hands in her pockets.  
  
"...he's over at what did you say?" Yuriko halted.  
  
"Akane left. We had an argument... she hit me... I yelled  
at her... and she left. That's why I'm out here instead of home  
and dry and male."  
  
Yuriko's eyes practically popped out of their sockets. "SHE  
WHAT? Damn! Damn damn damn damn... DAMN. This is bad, Saotome.   
Bad timing, bad karma. Listen, I'll go look for her for you,  
you've got a job to do. Take this and read it."  
  
Yuriko reached inside her trenchcoat and pulled out a  
manilla folder. Ranma caught the underhand pass, and tucked the  
file under an arm. "What're you so hyped up about, Yuriko? You  
look like someone died. You're paler than usual."  
  
"What do you think? Akane's alone on the streets. This is  
BAD, Saotome! BAD! Do you know of anybody she might contact? I  
can look there first."  
  
"Don't panic, Yuriko. She'll be okay and I'll find her  
eventually. She's not the kind of person that cowers in fear and  
lets people walk all over her, you know, she's strong willed.   
Nobody'll mess with her."  
  
"I don't take chances. Contacts? Any?"  
  
"She said she met someone at a pizzeria," Ranma shrugged.   
"That's about all I know. She might go see Gosunkugi or hole up  
with Ryouga, wherever he is..."  
  
"I'll check local pizzerias. You get cracking on that file.   
You know my number if you manage to catch the pervert in  
question. I'll go fire up the van and go on AkaneWatch(tm) while  
you work. I'm parked down the road," Yuriko said, fishing  
through her pockets for car keys. "I'll scan with the van and  
keep the cellular line open for your call."  
  
"I told you, Yuriko, I'm gonna look for her. There isn't a  
problem."  
  
"Not now," Yuriko said. "You've got work to do. Get  
cracking on that case, catch the guy, and call me. You want the  
truth, remember? Don't even pretend you care more about Akane,  
Saotome. She hates you, you hate her. You two just weren't  
meant to be. I'm headed off... remember, ring when you've got  
him!"  
  
"Why, you..." Ranma started, but Yuriko was already several  
meters down the road and accelerating, trenchcoat flapping behind  
her.  
  
He did NOT hate her. And she hopefully didn't hate him.  
  
*  
  
"Akane, I'm running out of napkins," Wrong Way said, pulling  
the next to the last one from the metal box on the table.  
  
"I know, I know," Akane said, wiping her eyes again.   
"Dammit, why am I crying? I must be truly pathetic to be pouring  
out like this over a baka like Ranma..."  
  
"Jeez, is he that bad?" WW asked. "I thought, you know, you  
two were starting to get along."  
  
"He's not BAD, just... bad," Akane said, sniffling back her  
runny nose. "I'm not exactly a poet, you know. It's hard to  
phrase. Is it possible for a feeling to be negative and positive  
at the same time?"  
  
"Don't ask me, I'm just as bad with words as you are," Wrong  
Way laughed. "I don't think any Akane is particularly good with  
them. You know who's actually a pretty good poet?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Ryouga-kun!" WW grinned.  
  
"Really? I never would have figured..."  
  
"Aw, nobody sees the sensitive side of Ryouga extenders.   
Just the side that break rocks with its bare hands and likes to  
tell people to shut up. Really, deep down, they just want to be  
loved. Is that so wrong?"  
  
"I take it you two are doing well?"  
  
"Better than well. I had a FEELING I knew him from before,  
but it wasn't much more than a feeling until I found out the real  
story. I'm so glad he got rid of those weird inhibition things.   
They don't sound like much fun. Anyway, yeah... we were  
delivering pizzas together today. We almost got under the thirty  
minute limit."  
  
"Sounds like you're doing okay," Akane nodded. "You're very  
lucky... as for me..."  
  
Wrong Way immediately picked up the tone of Akane's voice.   
"Hey, hang in there. Look, you're an Akane. Do what I do when I  
get mad, depressed, resentful, whatever; hit something. Hit  
something really hard."  
  
"Usually I just hit Ranma..."  
  
"Hmm. That's your problem," WW said. "See, if you let it  
out against things that can't hit or talk back or even complain,  
things are cool. But if you're unloading on your fiancee it's  
not as cool. It would explain the trouble you're having with  
him."  
  
"No, the trouble is because he's an idiot," Akane said  
flatly. "He keeps insulting me. Calls me a violent maniac."  
  
"Because you hit him."  
  
"Yes. No! No. Maybe. ARGH!" Akane groaned. "I wish I  
could just sort this mess out and go home, but that's not an  
option..."  
  
"Eh? Why? No key?"  
  
"No, Mr. Saotome would probably let me in," Akane said.   
"It's just a matter of principle, you know? I directly said I  
was leaving. You just don't go back on stuff like that."  
  
"Because it'd be admitting you were wrong."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"And if you were wrong?" Wrong Way asked.  
  
"I'm never wrong!"  
  
"Uh-huh. And I never get lost. One thing I've learned  
about being an Akane is that you have to fight the urge to assume  
you're always correct about everything."  
  
"Quit talking about yourself like that. It's like you're in  
my head."  
  
"More like I've got a part of your head."  
  
"Stop that!"  
  
"Yeesh. Someone hasn't been reading their copy of 'Coping  
with Clonehood'," WW tisk tisked. "Akane, trust me about this.   
The key to overcoming your own ego here is to apologize  
occasionally."  
  
"Apologize for what?"  
  
"Hitting Ranma... calling him a pervert... calling him a  
moron... generally being rude and unpleasant. And in turn, he'll  
apologize for calling you a tomboy and a violent maniac."  
  
"It can't be that easy," Akane said. "I mean, it's what we  
do. We yell and abuse each other. How is it possible to just  
stop that?"  
  
"If you both want to stop, you'll stop. Easy as that,"  
Wrong Way said. "You know, I wonder if I got a little of Ryouga-  
kun's insight along with his sense of direction. He's quite  
clever, but keeps to himself. He's not that verbal beyond cute  
little grunts and enraged protests..."  
  
"Where is he, anyway?"  
  
"Completing a final delivery," Wrong Way said.  
  
"The pizzeria is closing?"  
  
"No, we're just not allowed to deliver anymore," WW frowned.   
"The manager said we were hurting his profit margin with all  
these free pizzas. Ryouga-kun and I are going to be full time  
cook and waitress instead... him cooking, of course, I admit  
Akanes aren't very good in the kitchen."  
  
"I cook fine."  
  
"No you don't. There's that always-right coming into play.   
Fight it, Akane. Overcome Akane Tendo's personality problems,"  
WW suggested. "Speaking of fighting, wanna hear something really  
neat?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"We saw this really huge painting earlier. I had to bop  
Ryouga one for staring too long, but it was apparently an ad for  
recruits to the Ministry of Confusion. You know, the...  
terrorists?"  
  
"I've heard," Akane nodded.  
  
"Apparently Ryouga was hooked up with them earlier. He's  
going to mail them to ask if we can get in again."  
  
"You want to be a terrorist?"  
  
"No, I want to do the Ministry of Peace a bad turn. I heard  
they really gave Ryouga-kun a hard time... anybody who'd do those  
kinds of things to a human being doesn't deserve to run 1/4th of  
the government. Besides, I've got nothing else to do on my  
Wednesday nights. You want to join too?"  
  
"I... I don't think that'd be possible," Akane said. "I've  
sort of got other obligations."  
  
"Fair enough. That's the last napkin, by the way."  
  
*  
  
One nice thing about this curse, Ranma thought, was that ANY  
hot liquid with a water base would do the trick. Sure, he  
smelled like old coffee, but at least his gender was back to its  
original form. Ranma sat under an overhang at the local  
suspicious looking coffee house, perusing the file Yuriko had  
passed over.  
  
He couldn't make out much.  
  
The folder itself was waterproofed, fireproofed, and could  
withstand being run over by a taxi at least six times. Standard  
Ministry of Data stock folder paper, the kind you could get from  
any stationary store in town. The papers inside were  
fireproofed... but not waterproofed.  
  
The ink had smeared, leaving most of the pages as big black  
globs that resembled lettering. The characters were smeared  
beyond recognition, bleeding through the sheets. No readability  
whatsoever.  
  
At least the photo hadn't been ruined, Ranma noted, pulling  
it out of the thick paper pulp blob that had formed inside the  
folder. The picture was kind of fuzzy, as if the subject was  
running at high speed, but if you looked hard enough the guy  
seemed to resemble that man coming down the street.  
  
Ranma paused, tumbling that last thought in his mind like a  
pachinko machine rolling down a hill. Man? The street? He  
looked up.  
  
Sure enough, there was the guy in question; standing at  
about one point five feet, carrying a large bag of something,  
with the same unmistakable bumps on his head and moon-sized eyes.   
He resembled an IT more than a HE... like some wind up toy gone  
out of control. A thundering horde of women were chasing him,  
carrying brooms, mops, purses, switchblades and fully automatic  
weapons. What luck! Ranma pushed the useless scrap paper aside  
and got ready.  
  
The man skittered into the coffee shop and under a table,  
dodging gunfire as bullets ricocheted off the pavement. The  
women charged onward, yelling and screaming bloody murder and  
perverts, passing right by the greasy spoon in their combined  
rage.  
  
"Honestly!" the man exclaimed, in an annoying little voice,  
like a blackboard scraped across someone's fingernails. "It's  
just ten measly bras, you'd think nobody would miss them..."  
  
"Hey, mister, are you the guy in this photo?" Ranma asked,  
bending down to show the diminutive thing.  
  
The man looked away from the street, and turned around to  
examine the photo. "Hrm. Not a bad likeness. I believe that  
was taken two nights ago at 9:45:22 PM exactly, judging by the  
position and velocity. Damn, I'm a sharp dresser!"  
  
"Alright, just making sure," Ranma nodded, grabbing the man  
by the arms and thrusting him upwards against the bottom of the  
table. The man's head struck the undersurface evenly, putting  
him out like a light.  
  
Target disabled and ready to pickup. Easy as pie.  
  
Ranma whistled a dark little tune and skipped over to the  
phone, fishing in his pockets for change. Get Yuriko to snatch  
whoever this guy is, then go get Akane. If he hurried he might  
be able to catch her before--  
  
Something hooked over his right shoulder, jerking him  
backwards and to the floor before he could blink. The ground  
impacted nice and hard against his skull, sending bolts of pain  
throughout his body.  
  
"Youth today," the man muttered, sitting on the table he had  
just been smashed against, smoking the pipe he used to pull Ranma  
backwards. "No respect for their elders. Simply NONE. Boy, you  
need to be taught some manners. What's your name?"  
  
"Ranma," Ranma scowled, peeling himself from the pavement.   
"Ranma Saotome. As for YOU..."  
  
Happousai hopped off the table before Ranma's punch split it  
neatly in two. "Saotome, you say? Wow! Who'd have known?"  
  
"Known what?" Ranma asked, rebounding himself off the table  
to stomp the little man flat. The shrimp blocked with his index  
finger, and easily knocked Ranma across the coffee house, landing  
in a bank of chairs with a resounding clatter.  
  
"An idea forms," the man said. "Yes, a good idea. You'll  
do quite well; this way, I get my revenge on Genma as well!"  
  
"Hold still so I can pound you!" Ranma demanded, throwing  
some chairs off of himself.  
  
"Catch, boy!" the man yelled, tossing an object at Ranma.   
He caught it instinctively before it exploded, turning his brain  
off for a few hours.  
  
*  
  
Ranma readjusted his focus, brain slowly waking up from a  
forced sleep. He didn't notice the needle in his arm until it  
was out.  
  
"That'll do it, yeah," the man said, needle vanishing  
without a trace as he pulled his arm away. "I probably should  
have just cold cocked you instead of using a grenade... less  
damage to clean up. Sorry about that, Ranma m'boy."  
  
"Why, you--" Ranma started, getting up from his chair. Less  
than an inch he had moved before a powerful electrical jolt rang  
through his system like a broken gong, pushing him backwards. A  
taste of copper flooded his mouth, overwhelming.  
  
"I took the liberty of tying you up with a little toy I  
liberated in my escape," the man said, pointing to the wires  
crisscrossing Ranma's body. "Devilish little Ministry of Peace  
item. The wires are quite easy to rip, but the more you try, the  
stronger the zap. I have no idea what they use it for, and  
frankly, I don't want to know. Anyway, you're patched up now; I  
grafted some new skin for the more serious burns and I had to  
replace your left hand... it took hours to find the parts and  
customize them to fit you without noticeable flaws..."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"My fault, my fault," the man said, taking another tug at  
his pipe. "Don't worry, you're in tip top shape and ready to get  
working. I don't want you DEAD, Saotome. You're too useful  
alive."  
  
"What're you talking about, you... whatever you are?"  
  
"Name's Happousai. We haven't met formally," he nodded. "I  
used to train your father. What a whiner he was! Just like you.   
'What?' 'I don't understand.' 'Die, old man!' 'Ouch.' 'Do I have  
to pay your restaurant bill EVERY time, master?' 'Can we rest  
now?' 'I'm sick of stealing underwear!' Such insolence! I see  
you're just as rebellious as he was..."  
  
"You little--" Ranma started, instinctively reaching out to  
throttle Happousai. A stronger jolt of energy pressed him back  
down, the smell of zinc flooding his nose.  
  
"See what I mean? And just as ungrateful! Here I am using  
my extensive human anatomy database connections to repair you and  
the best you can do is half formed sentences. That's some of my  
finest medical work on you. My only medical work, really."  
  
"YOU'RE the one that bombed me!"  
  
"For which I have apologized. It's in the past, Ranma my  
boy," Happousai said. "What's done is done. For now, I need  
your help. I understand you were hoping to take me back to your  
little friend and get me dissected, en?"  
  
"What little friend?"  
  
"I have a link to the Ministry of Data computer systems,"  
Happousai said, tapping one of his forehead bumps. "You'd be  
amazed what they have sitting out in the open under seventeen  
password locks. That's besides the point, however, since your  
life is about to change considerably; Ranma, I need to ask you a  
favor."  
  
"What's that?" Ranma asked, in contempt.  
  
"Underwear," Happousai said, reaching into a nearby green  
bag and pulling out a bra. "I need more. LOTS more. Only it's  
got the be USED, you see? It's the combination of pheromone and  
the fireproofing chemical they use nowadays. It's the only  
substitute I can find for what I need, as much as I hate to see  
my silky darlings go to waste..."  
  
"What're you talking about, old man?"  
  
"What what what!" Happousai yelled, hopping up and bapping  
Ranma repeatedly on the head with his pipe. "Just like your  
father, so inquisitive. So demanding of knowledge I don't feel  
like offering. Alright, if I have to explain EVERYTHING, I will,  
just this once. Did your daddy dearest ever mention me?"  
  
"I think I would have remembered a freak like you."  
  
"I'll take that as a no. Makes sense; he thought I was  
dead, suffocated in that cave. He's very, very lucky that the  
Ministry of Peace found me before my air ran out. Of course, I'm  
not the Happousai he used to know. I am enhanced."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"I'm a Happousai extender," he grinned. "The only one of my  
kind, and also the only one of my kind. Observe."  
  
With that, Happousai pulled his chest open, and stuffed the  
bra he was holding inside his rib cage.  
  
*  
  
Yuriko pounded on the door of the pizzeria, clutching a wad  
of computer printout in her hand. According to Ministry files,  
this was the place; map information wasn't very hard to come by,  
but executing a goto on Tomboy Akane Saotome to figure out who  
she could know that worked at one was trickier. Yuriko was 98%  
sure she had the right place, though.  
  
The door opened, Akane leaning out. "May I help you?"  
  
"Hi," Yuriko waved. "Ranma is looking for you. I'll take  
you to him."  
  
"Me?" Akane asked. "Why would he be looking for me?"  
  
"I don't have any time to explain," Yuriko said, grabbing  
Akane by the wrist. "Come on, I've got a van waiting."  
  
"But I've got to wait for--"  
  
"Trust me, Akane, you're too important to let run around  
like this," Yuriko said. "You can't put yourself at any risk, no  
matter what. Got that?"  
  
"Uhh... yeah," Akane said. "Look, whoever you are--"  
  
"Good," Yuriko said, opening the passenger side door.   
"Let's go."  
  
*  
  
Ranma gaped at Happousai's mechanical and electronic  
workings, as the bra was pulled from his hands by a pair of gears  
and piped throughout the mechanisms inside. Eventually there was  
a wet PLOP, and Happousai closed his front access panel.  
  
"You're a ROBOT?!" Ranma asked, astonished.  
  
"I prefer the term artificial person myself," Happousai  
said. "I was lucky enough to fit the exact properties the  
Ministry of Peace wanted for one of their little experiments; I  
was an expert in fighting, I was short enough not to be noticed,  
and I was supposed to be dead. My brain spent roughly a decade  
in a support tank as their little science monkeys worked on  
making the ultimate extender; one with the superhuman abilities  
of an cyborg and the mind of a human."  
  
"I don't get it. What do you want me for?"  
  
"The first question is, what do you want ME for?" Happousai  
asked. "You caught me offguard at first, before I could hook up  
to the MoP files and see who you were and why you did that. They  
know you're onto them, you know. If Kodachi wanted to, she could  
remove you from the picture like that."  
  
"I think I know. Yu... my friend is looking for evidence  
like you," Ranma said. "Evidence of MoP secret projects. You  
know, if you came with me, you could help me put and end to what  
they're doing once and for all..."  
  
"Ugh! Legal channels. I don't think so, Saotome my lad.   
My revenge on them has to be far... sweeter. In particular, I'm  
seeking THIS!"  
  
Happousai grabbed a rolled up picture from behind Ranma's  
chair, unrolling it six or seven inches from Ranma's eyes. It  
was a Ministry of Peace recruitment ad, featuring Kodachi in her  
gymnast best; a green leotard, with a blue ribbon strangling some  
generic Russian guerrilla toting a rifle. JOIN THE MINISTRY OF  
PEACE AND PUT A CHOKEHOLD ON EVIL, the caption read.  
  
"You want to join the army?" Ranma asked, confused.  
  
"Not the caption, silly. The LEOTARD," Happousai. "I want  
the LEOTARD. Kodachi is the one that gave me this ridiculous  
power cell, with such stringent fuel requirements... her way of  
keeping me around, since without her juice I'd die in a day.   
I've had to synthesize the chemical from human sweat and the  
fireproofing chemical clothing is soaked in. To wit, I eat  
underwear, five bras or panties a day. She made me this way, so  
I'm going to get some fuel directly from her person. Her leotard  
would taste so incredible..."  
  
"Why not eat socks or something like that?"  
  
"Why devour fast food when you can have a gourmet meal?"  
Happousai asked, rolling up the poster. "There's a certain bliss  
that comes when my engines process new chemicals. Underwear  
tastes the best, and the leotard of your enemy is the ultimate  
dish... But the leotard is for later. I'll need more help than  
just you to manage that. Until then, I need SOMEONE to assist me  
in staying alive day to day... someone to help me on panty  
raids."  
  
"Forget it, you pervert," Ranma spat, making sure not to  
trigger the wires. "I'm not a hentai like you."  
  
"But who better to help me out than Genma's own son? You'll  
be filling the role he ditched so many years ago. The next  
generation following in the footsteps of the previous one."  
  
"My dad does NOT steal underwear!"  
  
"He did if he wanted me to feed him. It wasn't the best of  
working relationships, but it gave him a reason to train and it  
got me more of my silky darlings. So how about, Ranma? Help me  
pilfer a few panties. It's a fun and rewarding future. I can  
teach you martial arts techniques like you've never known..."  
  
"Absolutely not," Ranma replied.  
  
"Darn," Happousai grumbled. "Oh well. I guess you can go  
then."  
  
"What?"  
  
"WHAT WHAT WHAT!" Happousai yelped, bapping Ranma again.   
"Always with the whats. Yes, go. I've shut off the wires by  
remote. Feel free to rip them and go back to your mundane life.   
At least I tried."  
  
Ranma gave the wires a test push, finding no resulting  
shock. He pushed harder, making the wires snap easily; they fell  
to the ground, allowing him to get up. Shrugging the shrug of  
the confused but pleased, he walked over to the door.  
  
"On second thought, STOP RIGHT THERE," Happousai boomed, in  
a voice louder than Ranma's ears could comfortably withstand.   
Ranma froze in his tracks, voice echoing around his mind, keeping  
him from lifting a foot.  
  
"Arrrhgghg..." he groaned, shaking the sound from his head.   
"I can't... move..."  
  
"Here, have a look in a mirror," Happousai offered, climbing  
atop a table to hold a mirror in front of Ranma. He turned to  
look, and was alarmed to see a thin wire sticking up from behind  
his head.  
  
"Another of Kodachi's toys," Happousai said, pulling the  
mirror away. "She had them installed in some sort of ten man  
camouflage / disguise unit. I removed the group communication  
filters, because I don't want you in MY head. What's left works  
like this : I give an order, and you follow it. Simple, ne? I  
installed it while you were out. Very easy when you've got  
access to MoD files on biology..."  
  
"You're gonna order me around?" Ranma said. "Unlikely. I  
don't take lip from anyone."  
  
"Shame, you don't have a choice, for instance, STAND ON YOUR  
HEAD. Good boy! Now BARK LIKE A DOG."  
  
"Arf," Ranma arfed pathetically.  
  
"We'll work on the specifics later. For now, YOU MAY NOT  
ATTACK ME and YOU MAY NOT RUN AWAY. That should cover the  
basics. Get snotty with me and I'll tell you to shut up too or  
sing something really awful until your voice cracks."  
  
"What would happen if I just grabbed this stupid antenna and  
ripped it out?" Ranma asked, fingering the wobbling wire on his  
head.  
  
"I don't know. I don't think it'd be fun for you. Look,  
Ranma kid, life with me isn't that bad. Just ask your father.   
So you have to go on panty raids, starve occasionally, clean up  
after me and pay my bills! Think of the martial arts I could  
teach you."  
  
"Doesn't sound like a fair deal here."  
  
"You'll see soon. Genma was a fool to leave me behind, but  
his son might not be as foolish. Now, FOLLOW ME, you've got some  
work to do so I don't starve tomorrow."  
  
*  
  
"What do you mean, you're not Tomboy Akane Saotome?!" Yuriko  
gaped, after slamming on the van brakes in the middle of traffic.  
  
"I mean I'm not," Akane said. "My name's Wrong Way... I  
think you have me mixed up with one of my friends. It's  
perfectly understandable, miss, we are all alike--"  
  
"No you're not," Yuriko said. "Arrrgh. Did she try to  
contact you tonight?"  
  
"Yes, she did."  
  
"SO WHERE IS SHE NOW?!"  
  
"Whoa! Calm down, miss, please. She got a phone call and  
had to leave. I suspect it was Mr. Saotome or Ranma calling her  
to ask her to come home... although she didn't say."  
  
"Logs," Yuriko said, holding up two feet of printout from  
the van's fax machine. "The dojo hasn't received or made any  
calls tonight."  
  
"You have Akane's house bugged?" Wrong Way asked, horrified.  
  
"Of course. Both of those kids need to be watched so they  
don't do anything stupid. Anything like THIS. Are you sure she  
didn't say where she was going?"  
  
"Positive. Look, can I get out now? It's clear that I'm  
not the Akane you're looking for, and I need to go home and wait  
for my boyfriend to meet me..."  
  
"Yeah, whatever. Here's my number," Yuriko said, pulling a  
card out of the glove compartment. "If you see Akane, you call  
me."  
  
"Umm, ma'am, is this your name?" Wrong Way asked, pointing  
to the card's header. "It's sort of--"  
  
"Don't tell ANYBODY where you got that card, it's my  
personal line," Yuriko warned. "Can you find your way back  
home?"  
  
"Not really, but I'll be okay," Wrong Way said, opening the  
door. "I'll call you if I find Akane." She climbed out of the  
van, letting in the mad honks of taxis held up behind Yuriko's  
van in with the door opening.  
  
Yuriko slammed the horn to annoy the taxis, then floored the  
gas. Tonight was not turning out well. Hopefully Ranma would  
catch the pervert so she'd have some real evidence, and get  
herself and Ranma out of this mess... and Akane, too. Things  
could only get better, after all.  
  
The van's phone beeped quickly, Nabiki's emergency signal.  
  
"Trouble," Nabiki said through the phone speaker, before  
Yuriko had even picked up. "Ministry of Peace just started  
tracking Happousai. Apparently he's been ringing bells across  
the network, poking databases, looking for information. It looks  
like they're going to be able to catch him this time, considering  
the manpower assigned. Has Ranma gotten him yet?"  
  
"No, ma'am," Yuriko said.  
  
"Damn. It's getting hot out there, Yuriko. I recommend we  
call this one off and get Ranma back. Wait for Happousai to  
escape the MoP again and track him later. We can't risk them  
tracking him and finding him at the Ministry of Economics."  
  
"Roger. I'll track Ranma," Yuriko nodded, clicking on one  
of the van's many monitors. "DT out."  
  
"Don't get caught on camera this time, okay?" Nabiki added,  
before the phone cut off.  
  
*  
  
Ranma couldn't believe what he was doing.  
  
He was actually going through other people's laundry,  
pilfering underwear. He looked nervously around himself as he  
followed orders; he couldn't not do it, but at least Happousai  
hadn't ordered him to be obvious about it.  
  
Happy himself was perched on a nearby washer, giggling to  
himself was Ranma picked out choice undergarments; namely, the  
ones that smelled the most. 'It's better for my digestion if  
they're VERY used,' Happousai had explained. Digestion my ass;  
the little pervert just wanted Ranma sniffing them for sheer  
embarrassment value.  
  
"One more should do it," Happy said. "And hurry, I think  
the owner of this load is almost done playing the video games  
over there."  
  
"There," Ranma said, grabbing a bra and stuffing it into  
Happousai's green bag. "That's the last."  
  
"Hey, you didn't sniff that one."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So what if it's too clean? I could starve! Your nose is  
better than my cheap mechanical one. Sniff it."  
  
"Oh, alright," Ranma grumbled, pulling it out of the bag  
again, and holding it out in front of him like a dead fish. He  
sniffed very, very quickly and put it back.  
  
"AIEEEE!" a shriek came from the back of the laundromat.   
"UNDERWEAR THIEF! HENTAI! HELP, POLICE!"  
  
"That's your cue," Happousai reminded, hopping off the  
washer and onto Ranma's shoulder. "Let's GET OUT OF HERE, shall  
we?"  
  
KRAK-KATHOOM.  
  
Ranma paused in his flat out run, just before reaching the  
door. The earlier storm was back, and in spades; water dumped  
onto the road like so many thousand buckets.  
  
"What're you waiting for, Ranma? GO!" Happousai ordered,  
wire forcing Ranma on.  
  
Ranma panicked, unable to stop his hand from opening the  
door and his feet from moving; the crowd of angry laundromat  
clients swarmed over to the door, but stopped there. Jaw's  
dropped at Ranma's new appearance. Nobody made a move to follow.  
  
"Hah!" Happousai nyahed, sticking his tongue at the crowd as  
Ranma ran through the rain. "Look shocked all you want! It's  
all MINE now! Honestly, you can't get a good mob nowadays. They  
just don't have the motivation. What surprised them so much,  
anyway?"  
  
"Probably this," Ranma said, her voice coming out at a  
higher pitch.  
  
Happousai turned back to Ranma, seeing a different hair  
color. "That's a new look for you. Water-active dye?"  
  
"Sort of," Ranma grumbled. "Can I stop running?"  
  
"STOP RUNNING, yeah," Happousai said, words slow with  
suspicion. "You've changed, Ranma. Hmmm. Let's give you a look  
see..."  
  
Happousai hopped down, and examined Ranma.  
  
"HOT DAMN!" Happousai exclaimed, eyes bulging as they locked  
on her breasts. "That's REALLY a new look for you! Oh, how  
sweet! How'd it happen?"  
  
"Mutation agent," Ranma mumbled. "Can we get out of her  
now? I've probably already got a hentai reputation thanks to  
you..."  
  
"Change of plans!" Happousai grinned evilly. "Allow me a  
moment to contemplate your future while resting in your bosom!"  
  
With that, the little man launched himself through the air,  
attaching to Ranma's breasts like velcro. Ranma yelled, chest  
being mauled; she tried to whack the guy off, but her previous  
orders wouldn't let her. No attacking, no doing anything  
physical he wouldn't like...  
  
"Now here's an idea. A combination martial arts student,  
panty thief AND kawaii girl! And so healthy!" Happousai cheered,  
patting Ranma. "I like this idea even more. It has many fun  
possibilities. Let's head back to my hovel and explore some of  
those possibilities, hmm, sweet little thing?"  
  
"WHAT?! No way!" Ranma said. "This has got to end... I'm  
not going to play your slave any more... NOR am I gonna let you  
do whatever the hell you have in mind. I won't, I won't, I  
WON'T!"  
  
"You don't have much of a choice, Ranma-chan," Happousai  
grinned, looking up from his resting spot on her being. "Such a  
spunky little girl! What spirit."  
  
"I am NOT female!" Ranma protested.  
  
"Then what're these, hmm?" Happousai asked, rubbing Ranma  
little more. Ranma turned red, not with embarrassment, but with  
anger. "You'd probably look good in panties, you know..."  
  
Ranma cocked an ear to the winds, recognizing a familiar  
sound. A sly smile crossed her face. "So, you like panties, do  
you?"  
  
"But of course!" Happousai said. "Established fact."  
  
"I bet you're getting rather... hungry," Ranma said, pulling  
a pair of panties out of the bag. "Want these?"  
  
"Ooooh!" Happousai exclaimed, eyes moving to the white  
fireproof cotton in Ranma's hand. "YEAH! I could use a fix,  
Ranma-chan. Fork it over!"  
  
"Go fetch!" Ranma said, tossing the underwear on the road.   
PERFECT landing; one foot approximately from the lane division  
line... and the sound growing closer...  
  
"MY SILKY DARLING!" Happousai shouted, unglomping Ranma's  
breasts and diving for the road. He was across the lane and  
cuddling the panty just as the engine roar came close enough to  
crush Happousai under the front and back wheels of a passing van.  
  
Happousai didn't even have enough time to scream before his  
delicate cyborg body was torn to shreds, mangling his torso and  
leaving his head to roll off to the curb. The van's tires  
squealed to a halt as the driver noticed this living speedbump.  
  
Yuriko hopped out of the van, scrambling over to the  
wreckage of Happousai. "I hope I didn't hit who I think I  
hit..." she started.  
  
"Yuriko!" Ranma waved. "Bad news. The little hentai had an  
accident. Sorry."  
  
"Why did you do that?! Argh. Doesn't matter," Yuriko  
dismissed. "Get inside, we've gotta go. Ministry of Peace is  
three blocks behind us and gaining and we've gotta run run run."  
  
"Got it," Ranma nodded, opening the passenger side door and  
entering. Yuriko hopped in, threw it into drive and slammed the  
gas, scattering cyborg bolts and gears behind the tires as the  
van made it for the city horizon.  
  
Time passed. Just a few moments; just enough for  
Happousai's parts to come to a final resting place and settle,  
just enough for the red van to reel around the corner and stop,  
spilling soldiers onto the street.  
  
"Signal stops here," one of the soldiers said, waving a  
tracker at the mess. "Ugh. Looks like someone got him. Head's  
intact, though, he can be rebuilt and retooled. Someone get a  
trash bag--"  
  
"AHA!" a happy little squeal emitted, ripping through the  
air like safety scissors. "Got you delinquents!"  
  
"What the--? OH GOD, NOT HER! OPEN FIRE, STUNNERS ON--"  
  
"HAPPO FIVE YEN SAT-SU!" she yelled, blasting the troops  
with a beam of yellow light. There was some screaming,  
eventually dying down to the dull whumphs of non-peacefully  
sleeping bodies on asphalt.  
  
"Much better," the older Miss Hinako said, pocketing her  
coin. "They seem calmer now, the delinquents."  
  
"Agreed," Jodan nodded, walking out of the alley the two  
were hiding in. "I'll go get the trash bag they had, you start  
scooping up parts."  
  
*  
  
"What do you MEAN, they got away!?" Kodachi shouted,  
slamming a fist against her office desk. It split into three  
pieces minimum.  
  
"Err... sorry?" the senior officer offered. "The team got  
ambushed... we'll know who did it when they recover. Whatever  
hit them seems to have completely knocked the wind out of them,  
it's not a pretty sight--"  
  
"Damn you, Nabiki!" Kodachi growled. "You're starting to  
get too close to my plans. It's ruining my fun and complicating  
matters. If I can't kill Ranma darling, and I don't know who  
this other agent of yours is, then... hmm. Has the specialist  
arrived yet?"  
  
"Yes'm, arrived a few minutes ago."  
  
"Nabiki's gone too far, prodded too deep. It's time to  
strike back at her, let her know I'm not ignoring her insolence  
any longer. Send the specialist in, I'll handle the briefing."  
  
*  
  
"Well, that could have gone better," Yuriko shrugged,  
turning a corner. "Why'd you go and do a thing like that? We  
could have let MoP get the pervert back, then fetch him when he  
inevitably escapes again. Now he's useless. And WHAT is that  
ridiculous thing doing in your head?"  
  
"It's an antenna, like the Tsubasas had," Ranma said.   
"Happousai clocked me and stuck it in so I could be his slave. I  
had to do anything he liked... and when he found out about my  
curse, and my femalehood..."  
  
Yuriko sat in silence.  
  
"Now you see why he had to die," Ranma commented.  
  
"Jeez. Frankly, Saotome, I'd have done the same thing.   
Still, Nabiki will not be happ--"  
  
"Who?"  
  
Yuriko clamped a hand over her mouth, steering wobbling.   
"Damn... I didn't just say that. You did NOT hear me just say  
that."  
  
"Yes I did, Yuriko! I KNEW Ministry of Economics was behind  
this. I knew it."  
  
"No! It was a, whaddyacallit, Freudian slip."  
  
"Unlikely," Ranma grinned.  
  
"Okay, okay, so you know," Yuriko groaned. "Look, Saotome,  
keep it to yourself. You know how I kept talking big about  
removing you from the picture if you find out? I don't want to  
do that. SHE does. She's the coldest, most calculating little  
fiend I've ever met... and she's got both of us by the balls."  
  
"You don't have any balls."  
  
"It's a figure of speech, okay?!" Yuriko exclaimed. "Arrgh!   
I can't believe I SAID her name... Keep it to yourself, alright?   
If she found out you knew we'd both be up the creek. Man oh man,  
I was NOT expecting any of this crap when I signed on with her...  
ARGH!!"  
  
Yuriko slammed the horn a few times for no apparent reason,  
grimacing. "Saotome, this whole mess is just getting bigger and  
more complex day by day. I hope we both come out of it safe and  
sound. It's getting to the point where I can't tell what'll  
happen next, or what Kodachi'll do next, or what Akan-- AGH!"  
  
"What? What?"  
  
"AKANE! I forgot! HOW could I have forgotten? We still  
have to find her."  
  
"I know, I know. Don't worry, Yuriko, we'll find her. Can  
we please get this thing out of my head first, though?" Ranma  
asked.  
  
"I can't think of any way to do that except with the medical  
guys at MoE's Basement," Yuriko said. "And I can't exactly bring  
YOU there... hmmm. I'll go park at the MoE. You hide in the  
back and I'll see if I can arrange a clandestine operation.   
Okay?"  
  
"Sounds fair here. Then I don't care what Nabiki orders us  
to do next, we look for Akane. Deal?"  
  
"Deal," Yuriko nodded. "You know, Saotome, I had you pegged  
as a jerk from word one. You're turning out okay. Still a bit  
annoying, but I can see where you're coming from. I ID with ya,  
you know."  
  
"You're not cursed to change genders," Ranma smiled.  
  
"Oh. Yeah, that," Yuriko nodded. "Don't worry, we've got  
one last lead. We get Akane, go get this guy, and you're male  
again. But first, time for a little fast food surgery."  
  
*  
  
Yuriko took the secret elevator from the MoE garage down  
sixteen floors, straight to the Basement. It was a slow ride,  
allowing plenty of time to think.  
  
Certainly Yuriko had enough swing with the medicals here to  
get Ranma fixed up. If not with her charming personality, but  
with her blackmail material. Let's see, Mel, the resident  
biogeneticist was having an affair, and Leo kisses his dog on the  
lips on a regular basis...  
  
Smoke pouring out of the Basement is not a good thing.  
  
Yuriko coughed through the cloud, trying to fumble around  
for solid objects. Something was very, very wrong... she should  
be seeing the various experiments and projects Nabiki had them  
doing, not the scene of broken glass, splintered furniture and  
other destructive aftermaths...  
  
"DT!" Mel called from across the room, coughing. "To the  
elevator! Now!"  
  
Yuriko nodded, and headed back. Mel dove for the doors  
before they closed, and the filters in the elevator sucked the  
gas out of the chamber before ascending.  
  
"Aw, man, this is not good, this is not good..." Mel whined.  
  
"What happened, Mel? WHAT HAPPENED?"  
  
"I don't know!" Mel protested. "We were just going along  
peacefully when the 'vater lands. I guess someone had found the  
entrance and managed to get by the security codes... I couldn't  
see much other than the hammer swinging around, breaking  
everything with incredible speed... the guy made short work of  
anything that could be broken... some chemicals mixed and made  
one hell of a fire, a fire that would even burn the  
fireproofs..."  
  
"Someone totalled the place? How'd they get in?"  
  
"I haven't the foggiest idea! It happened so fast, nobody  
could react... everybody evacuated, but I wanted to go get  
whatever data I could escape with... I think I managed to save  
Experiment-C and Experiment-P."  
  
Yuriko paused. "What about J?"  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT ABOUT IT?!?! What the hell happened  
to Experiment-J?!"  
  
"All the jars broke, Yuriko! The folders burned. It's  
gone. There is no more Experiment-J."  
  
"That's impossible. Nabiki PROMISED a cure... a cure for  
Ranma for when he was done. What now? What do I do now?"  
  
"Lie?" Mel suggested. "I can get why you'd be pissed, but  
frankly there's nothing I could have done..."  
  
"Whatever. I'll deal with this later. I've got a patient  
for you upstairs, Mel. And unless you want your wife knowing  
about Sarah from across down you'll arrange for a surgery pretty  
damn pronto. We've got work to do and we can't dawdle."  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.12  
Private use only  
 


	13. 13

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 13  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Ranma's eyes groggily slid open.  
  
He was beginning to get sick of being knocked out. Recently  
in his life he had been tasered, gassed, punched, and otherwise  
battered into varying states of unconsciousness. The warm,  
sloppy silence that was a blackout was becoming a familiar  
feeling for him; now he was being pulled out of the muck and  
dragged into the air again.  
  
"Saotome, you alive in there?" Yuriko asked, peeling one of  
his eyes open and staring into it. "You might wish you weren't.   
Don't get up, don't talk, we had to do a spot of brain surgery to  
get the antenna out. I have bad news."  
  
Ranma tried to nod, failed, and continued staring at the  
ceiling.  
  
"Bad news part one. Akane's still missing. I checked back  
at the dojo and at the pizzeria and even Gosunkugi's house, no  
luck. Last time she was seen was at the pizzeria, where she got  
a phone call and promptly left."  
  
Huh? Who would call Akane? Ranma wondered. Her only friend  
besides himself was the pizza girl, and she was right there...  
  
"I tried to check with Ryouga, but he was lost. The girl  
said he'd left a day ago to deliver a pizza."  
  
A day ago? How long had Ranma been out?  
  
"Bad news part two. You've been out for three days."  
  
Ranma's mind swirled as he panicked, trying to sit up. A  
force of many newtons pushed him back down.  
  
"Dammit, Saotome, I said DON'T MOVE. We kludged up a bit  
trying to get the antenna out and you're not going to be in good  
shape for a few hours yet. Sorry, but what can I say, we had to  
improvise since we didn't have access to the files Happousai did  
about those antennas... you'll recover, though. Think you're  
strong enough to talk?"  
  
Ranma nodded his eyes, the only part of him that would move.  
  
"Okay. I'll get the breathing tube out. Hold still unless  
you want your throat scraped up. Take three deep breaths, and  
hold that third one..."  
  
Ranma inhaled three times, and a snake of plastic was  
forcibly pulled from his lungs, trailing out with a bit of blood  
and spit dripping from it. Yuriko leaned over him, suctioning  
the mess away, and Ranma felt a needle enter his arm.  
  
"Mel said this would get you up and about, but I don't  
recommend pushing it," she said, pulling the needle away.   
Strength flowed through Ranma's body, powering just enough to  
groan. "The guy has been known to mix his own cocktails for 24  
hour work shifts..."  
  
"Three days?" Ranma asked, in a raspy voice.  
  
"Three days. Nabiki was extremely pissed at me for letting  
Happousai bite it and demanded that *I* sit by your bedside the  
whole time. I've had sneak out occasionally to search for Akane.   
Nabiki said she'd stick you on a mission the minute you woke  
up... 'but Nabiki', I say, 'the dork is in critical condition  
after brain surgery.' Like SHE cares. That girl would sell her  
own sister to the beast if it meant getting what she wanted."  
  
"So what do we do now?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Sit around and wait for her to schlep us off on the last  
lead," Yuriko shrugged. "Terrific, huh? I wish I never signed  
up with Ministry of Economics. I was perfectly happy to be doing  
boring work for the rest of my life, tinker with hobbies, look  
for a good date and fail time and time again... but no, I had to  
pursue the danger money..."  
  
A phone rang out of Ranma's vision range. "That'd be her,"  
Yuriko said, and picked it up. "Get your butt out of bed, we're  
probably going to be moving out soon... Hello, Basement. Yeah?   
WHAT?!? AND YOU WAITED AN HOUR TO TELL ME?!"  
  
Yuriko slammed the phone down, tiny bell inside its plastic  
core ringing a second time from the impact. "It wasn't her. Get  
up, Saotome. You're going home. Guess who just came a-knockin'  
at the family dojo."  
  
*  
  
"Oh, that phone call? It was a wrong number," Akane said.  
  
"She decided to head home after that, but bumped into  
someone named Ryouga who wanted to escort her," Genma finished.   
"You weren't here for the whole story, boy. In fact, where HAVE  
you been lately?"  
  
"Around," Ranma said.  
  
"You look awful," Genma said. "You should train more!"  
  
"Let's give the training a rest for awhile," Ranma said,  
remembering the rubbery feeling in his legs as he stumbled his  
way to Yuriko's van, the snotty little girl urging him to hurry  
up. 'I'll stay away for tonight so you can recover and get the  
story from Akane, but I want a full report in the morning,' she  
ordered before driving off at twice the speed limit...  
  
"Anyway," Akane continued, "Ryouga eventually dropped me off  
here, and your father was nice enough to let me in..."  
  
"YOU should have brought her home, boy," Genma said sternly.  
  
"Whatever, pop. So... umm... Akane. About earlier..."  
  
"About what?" Akane asked, confused.  
  
"You know. What happened."  
  
"Don't worry about it," Akane said. "It's in the past."  
  
"..." Ranma started.  
  
"May I please have something to drink?" Akane asked, turning  
to Genma. "It's been a long night and I'm very parched..."  
  
"Certainly, Akane-chan!" Genma grinned, getting up. "I'll  
get you two some sodas."  
  
"What do you mean, 'it's in the past'?" Ranma asked,  
ignoring his father's absence. "Come on, you were yelling about  
how much you hated me and you stormed out, never to return again!   
That's hardly something you can just brush off..."  
  
"You want me to be angry?" Akane asked, confused.  
  
"Well... no. But I'M still pretty mad! I mean, you threw  
me through a WALL, you tomboy! I thought some asylum escapee had  
snuck into my bathroom and decided to let out his childhood  
anxieties on me, and it turned out to be my FIANCEE."  
  
"I'm sorry," Akane said in a mousy voice.  
  
"And here you were slapping me-- what?" Ranma stopped in mid  
sentence.  
  
"Sorry," Akane offered again. "I didn't mean it..."  
  
"You're sorry?"  
  
"Yes... I can understand if you won't accept my apology..."  
  
"I'll accept it, of course," Ranma said, "Since it's  
deserved, but I honestly wasn't expecting one... Akane, are you  
feeling alright?"  
  
"Yup!" she chirped. "I feel great."  
  
"Great," Ranma repeated.  
  
"Yeah... it's like a weight has been lifted off my  
shoulders. I know I've really been mean to you, and I shouldn't  
have been... I'm so glad that you've forgiven me. I was really  
cruel."  
  
"Not THAT cruel," Ranma protested. "I mean, it wasn't  
totally unwarranted... I wasn't very nice to you either..."  
  
"But I deserved it!" Akane interjected. "I shouldn't have  
acted that way to you. After all, your family did help me enter  
this world, I owe a lot to you, and I repaid that in insults.   
I'm sorry."  
  
"You really aren't acting like yourself, Akane," Ranma  
noted, a hint of suspicion entering his voice. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing!" Akane pleaded. "I'm fine. I just, well, did  
some thinking. Got straightened out. I honestly didn't like the  
way things were going, and I decided to do something to change  
that... so I apologized. And you accepted, right?"  
  
"Right, yeah..."  
  
"Then we're alright, right?" Akane asked. "We've got to  
start over here. Scrap what happened before and rebuild from the  
ground up. I don't want to be in that horrible abusive  
relationship anymore."  
  
"I kinda liked that horrible abusive relationship," Ranma  
half-joked. "Start over, though? I mean, I guess it's  
possible... it would be nice not to have to yell all the time..."  
  
"So I stop calling you a violent tomboy and you stop calling  
me a stupid hentai and everything'll be okay," Ranma summarized.  
  
"That's the gist of it. Please? I'd like to try it..."  
  
Ranma noticed for the first time that Akane had been  
carefully edging her way around the table, until she was right  
next to him. Practically touching. He panicked briefly, half  
expecting the slap to ring down... but it never came.  
  
"Err, Akane, could you, umm, move over?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It's kinda, well..."  
  
"Strange?" Akane offered. "I know... I'm just trying to be  
nice. Friendlier to you."  
  
"Maybe this is moving a little fast," Ranma decided. "Maybe  
we should just start with--"  
  
That's when Akane reached out, embraced Ranma and kissed him  
full on the lips, to the tune of glasses of soda breaking on the  
floor as Genma entered the room.  
  
*  
  
"For god's sakes, dad, get a bucket already," Ranma  
suggested, tossing Genma the last tissue in the box.  
  
"I can't help it... I'm so HAPPY!" Genma said. "My son  
finally seeing the true path and accepting his engagement. What  
a beautiful moment... if only your mother could have been here to  
see this..."  
  
"Something's wrong," Ranma said.  
  
"Nothing's wrong, m'boy! You two have finally seen the  
error of your ways. You're in bliss, son, be blissful already."  
  
"I can't believe she actually KISSED me..."  
  
"She knows rugged good looks when she sees them."  
  
"No. There's more to this than that," Ranma said. "I think  
something's wrong with Akane. I don't want to accept things at  
face value. It's too dangerous."  
  
Genma stopped his crying. "Boy, you've got the opportunity  
here to live happily ever after, and DAMMIT, you're going to.   
Now I don't want to hear any nonsense about something being wrong  
with Akane; everything's finally right, you're just having cold  
feet. Now go help her plan your wedding."  
  
"Wedding?" Ranma gulped.  
  
"Akane's all for it, from what she was telling me earlier,"  
Genma nodded. "She says it's only fair, considering that we paid  
for her."  
  
"Akane doesn't even think she's an extender."  
  
"She's seen the truth, m'boy. And if you don't see it soon,  
I'll MAKE you see it. Got it?"  
  
"Uh-huh," Ranma nodded, unconcerned. "Now what's this about  
a wedding?"  
  
"She was picking out dresses in a nice wedding catalogue  
earlier. I had bought it when I bought her, hoping the two would  
go together, but the delay urged me to toss it... fortunately it  
wasn't collected by Ministry of Sanitation yet. After you ran  
off to wash your mouth out," Genma said, with an evil glare,   
"She told me she was going back to the dojo to keep reading it."  
  
"I was wondering where she went. Look, I'll go talk to her,  
but I'm not promising anything. Got it?"  
  
"Don't make it any harder on yourself than it already has  
been, boy. If you blow this opportunity, your father will NOT be  
happy."  
  
"Lord knows my only mission in life is to make dad happy,"  
Ranma mocked, headed towards the dojo.  
  
*  
  
Akane leafed through page after page, examining the dresses  
with dull interest. The odd orange peel and coffee stain  
decorated some of the frilly numbers, and the catalog generally  
smelled; but she didn't mind. She could put up with it.  
  
"Is it safe to enter?" Ranma asked, leaning in from the  
hallway.  
  
"Ranma-kun! Of course. Come on in."  
  
Ranma nodded, and cautiously entered. "You're not gonna  
pounce, are you?"  
  
Akane dropped her smile like a bad habit. "I was afraid of  
this. I KNEW that would be a little too forward... it just  
seemed right, though. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay, sheesh, just don't lip lock without asking first  
next time. If there is a next time. So you want to get married,  
huh?"  
  
"Of course! We are fiancees."  
  
"Funny, you acted earlier as if you'd rather eat razor  
blades than marry me. Like you'd rather jump off a skyscraper  
and have your eyelid catch on a nail. Like you'd--"  
  
"I told you, I wisened up!" Akane protested. "Come on,  
Ranma, I know how I used to act and I can't stand the thought of  
it. All those wasted opportunities. I've changed; if you can't  
accept that and still hate me, then... well..."  
  
Akane sniffled. Ranma recognized the sniffle, and was back  
with another hanky box before the first rains hit the floor.  
  
"You're right, you've changed," Ranma said, pulling tissues  
for Akane. "I can tell. You would have committed seppuku before  
crying in front of me before."  
  
"*sniff* Sorry..."  
  
"ARGH! Stop apologizing! Man, Akane, where'd your spirit  
go? I mean, sure, you were a violent tomboy who picked on me and  
was rude and unpleasant et cetera et cetera, but you at least  
carried yourself with a little more dignity than THIS..."  
  
"I don't know what to do!" Akane complained. "I thought  
you'd like me better this way, and it seemed like the only thing  
to do... why are you being so mean to me?"  
  
"Sorry, force of habit. Look, I understand you wanting  
things to go better between us. I do too. But you might be  
going about this the wrong way. Let's just sleep on it and see  
what tomorrow brings, okay? No dresses, no plans, no tongue  
attacks, just some rest and discussion later. How's that sound?"  
  
"Okay," Akane sniffled, wiping up the last of her tears.   
"Let's go. Which room is it?"  
  
*  
  
"SHE DID WHAT?!" Yuriko screamed, slamming Ranma against a  
wall with extremely unimpressive force.  
  
"She crawled into bed and slept with me," Ranma said,  
unharmed by the attack. "I wasn't expecting it, frankly, but she  
said we were engaged and she wanted to be near me... I tried to  
argue the point but she sniffled a bit and I decided to let it  
slide."  
  
"You so much as TOUCHED her, Saotome..."  
  
"Relax, Yuriko, I'm not a hentai," Ranma replied. "Rest  
assured I slept on the last three millimeters of the bed the  
entire night. You wanna lay off the outfit now? It's not like  
your little show of force is doing anything."  
  
Yuriko let go, casting Ranma a look normally reserved for  
tax collectors and high school bullies. "So Akane's gone the way  
of total personality reversal?"  
  
"Exactly. I don't know what to think about this. I mean,  
yeah, it's nice to have Akane be nice, but this is a little TOO  
nice to be nice. You see."  
  
"I want to see this Akane," Yuriko said. "Something's  
rotten in Denmark and if my suspicion is right, we're in a lot of  
trouble."  
  
"Mind telling me that suspicion? No, never mind, you just  
love keeping your motives secret. For instance, and I ask this  
for quite possibly the seventeenth time, why do you care about  
Akane? You a distant cousin of hers or something?"  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"You're a missing Tendo sister?"  
  
"That's ridiculous."  
  
"Alien from outer space who wants to collect human samples?"  
  
"PLEASE."  
  
"Are you a lesbian?"  
  
Yuriko make a fist and swung wildly at Ranma, missing by  
almost a foot. "Don't you EVER say that again, Ranma. I'm as  
hetero as the next g-girl."  
  
"So then what's the hassle?"  
  
"You don't even know who Akane is, do you?" Yuriko asked,  
pacing around the garage floor. "The clues are right in front of  
your face. Even the THEORY. You just lack the one puzzle piece  
that I have. Look, I'll show it to you visually, I don't trust  
your mental capacities to grasp it verbally. Go back to the  
dojo, get Akane, bring her here."  
  
"What, on your say so? No more reason than that?"  
  
"You want the truth, you pay the price. Bring her. I'll go  
get the equipment out of the van."  
  
Ranma shrugged, and headed off. At no great speed, mind  
you, taking his own sweet time. Yuriko cursed him under her  
breath. WHY did that boy have to take such serious matters with  
such impudence? From the very beginning, well, even before the  
beginning, Ranma was casual about EVERYTHING. Now that Yuriko  
had to work side by side with him instead of being an occasional  
acquaintance this attitude was becoming more and more annoying...  
If only she hadn't suggested using him to Nabiki...  
  
If only she had never hooked up with Nabiki in the first  
place is more like it. Maybe then her life wouldn't have taken  
the incredible... and permanent... twist it had taken.  
  
*  
  
"I don't understand," Akane complained, dragged along the  
asphalt floor of the garage. "If we're going on a date, why come  
to this awful stinky garage?"  
  
"I'll explain later, Akane-chan," Ranma fake-beamed.   
"YURIKO! Over here!"  
  
Yuriko looked up from the small mountain of electronics she  
had hauled out of her van, parked conveniently in the next space.   
"Ah, there you are. Come on, hurry up, we don't have all  
century."  
  
"I brought her, mind telling me what's wrong now?" Ranma  
said, jogging to a halt next to the equipment. "And what's this  
junk?"  
  
"Ministry of Data bioscanner," Yuriko said. "Advanced  
model, but not a handheld... I left that at home. Either way  
it's much, much faster than the standard ones at MoD. Akane, if  
you could please step on this circle?"  
  
"You're Yuriko, right?" Akane asked.  
  
"Just step on the circle, ma'am," Yuriko said, fiddling with  
a number of dials on the machine. Akane shrugged, and hoisted  
her skirt up to stand on the pedestal.  
  
"We'll know in less than a sec ARGH!" Yuriko shouted, as a  
small light on the machine turned green. "I knew it. I bloody  
well KNEW it!"  
  
"What?" Akane asked, truly confused.  
  
"She's an extender!" Yuriko exclaimed.  
  
"Oh," Ranma said. "Well, Akane, I guess that shoots down  
your theory about you being human... sorry..."  
  
"What theory?" Akane asked. "What are you two talking  
about?"  
  
"You told me yourself you remembered your past, remember?"  
Ranma said. "How you could break the law, how you knew your  
family, how you were different from other extenders..."  
  
"How could I remember my clone base's family life?" Akane  
asked. "Extenders can't do that."  
  
"Of course," Yuriko said, "She'd never know she had that  
theory, because whoever made her didn't know she had that theory  
either. Just the basic facts, say, you, your father, the  
situation, and some historical moments, a desire to be nice..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I gotta explain everything for you, don't I, Saotome?   
She's not the Akane we know! She's another Akane extender  
slipped in so we'd never notice the original's disappearance!"  
  
"What makes you say that? Your little medicine box which  
says she's an extender? That was ambiguous from the start!"  
Ranma rebuked.  
  
"No it wasn't. You didn't see the tapes, Saotome, or the  
data files surrounding the original messes that kicked this off.   
I did. The Akane you got was the ORIGINAL AKANE TENDO,  
accidentally mixed in during a botched MoE attempt to ship her to  
the Ministry of Data for safe housing! I traced the order, and  
it had no DNA trademark. MoD kludged the data to cover it up,  
thinking the cloning process got screwed... why the hell do you  
think I've been worried about what happens to her? 'Tomboy Akane  
Saotome' is the original, Saotome, the original! And she's still  
missing!"  
  
"What... I don't understand... WHAT'S GOING ON?" Akane  
shouted. "What are you people talking about? Ranma, come on,  
let's go home. I don't want to hear any of this weirdness..."  
  
"Hold on... Akane," Ranma said. "This is important  
weirdness. Yuriko, if Nabiki was trying to slip the real Akane  
in there and you knew, why--"  
  
"STOP IT!" Akane demanded. "I don't want any of this.   
Ranma, please, let's go back to our life together. None of this  
nonsense about me not being your fiancee... Ranma... I love you."  
  
Water dripped.  
  
Somewhere in the garage, tires scraped against asphalt as a  
car was stolen.  
  
The earth continued to rotate.  
  
"?" Ranma asked.  
  
"I love you!" Akane said. "Even if I'm not the Akane you  
know, I love you anyway. Can we just go home? I'll try to be a  
good wife for you... I promise I can make up for not being the  
person you wanted, just give me a chance--"  
  
"Saotome, we've got to find Akane Tendo," Yuriko prodded the  
dazed Ranma. "If someone slipped in a replacement, it can only  
mean she's in trouble..."  
  
"What's so special about this Akane Tendo person?!" Akane  
asked. "Why bother going and looking for someone who abused and  
used you when you've got an Akane right here who just SAID she  
loved you? Huh? SAY SOMETHING, RANMA! SAY SOMETHING TO ME  
ALREADY!"  
  
"..." Ranma said.  
  
"SPEAK!" Akane fumed.  
  
"I don't know you," Ranma stated, not sure what else to say.  
  
Akane's anger exploded. "Ranma, you JERK!" she yelled,  
smacking him one across the face. Ranma's head turned in  
accordance, too busy reeling in thought to react beyond that.   
She turned around, and without a backwards glance, stomped off  
with the angry stomp of a titan.  
  
"She'll be okay," Yuriko said, with full confidence. She  
even cracked a smile. "You conscious, Saotome?"  
  
"yeah.." Ranma managed. "She'll be okay...?"  
  
"She called you a jerk and slugged you. Personality is  
coming through. Akanes can override inhibitors, you know,"  
Yuriko said, guiding Ranma manually to the sliding door of the  
van.  
  
"Umm. Yeah."  
  
"Hey. Cheer up, okay? We'll get Akane back, I promise,"  
Yuriko said, opening a door to the van. "Hop in the van. I'll  
handle the driving and searching for the real Akane, you just  
recoup and recover in the back... Mind the various electronic  
gadgets, weapons, and doo dads on your way in..."  
  
Ranma nodded, groggily pulling a foot up to van height to  
climb inside. He took another step once inside, foot connecting  
with a heavy object, and toppled into the pile of magazines,  
blinking objects, straw dolls, candles and guns Yuriko had been  
collecting.  
  
"Hey, I warned you," Yuriko smirked.  
  
"What's this I tripped on?" Ranma asked, pulling the  
cylindrical thermos out from under his left foot.  
  
"Umm, hot water," Yuriko said. "For you, obviously. I  
always carry spares in case of emergency."  
  
"There's only one thermos," Ranma said, searching the pile.   
"Where's the cold water? I thought I was supposed to be in  
cold/cursed/female form to work, not hot/uncursed/male."  
  
"There's cold in there somewhere. Can we please get mobile,  
Saotome? We've got a human Akane to go look for. Quit rooting  
through my carefully stacked pile of junk."  
  
"No more thermoses," Ranma concluded, finishing his search.   
"You don't have any cold water. Why is that, Yuriko?"  
  
"I forgot to pack it. Sit down and shut up already, I wanna  
get moving."  
  
"You know..." Ranma mused, glancing at the pile as he  
unscrewed the cap on the thermos. "Let's do a little  
experiment."  
  
Yuriko panicked, and jumped out of the driver's door. Ranma  
swung himself out of the passenger side, and chased Yuriko around  
the van, rearing back the thermos, sending a wave of hot water  
out in a perfect U shape towards the fleeing Yuriko...  
  
The water impacted, drenching the girl. She screamed, not  
the frightened shriek of a little girl, but the wails of a man...  
  
Ranma ditched the thermos, concentrating all of his senses  
on the boy in front of him. He was fully alert now; mind driven  
into a sharp focus, a dagger trailing down to a single molecule  
point.  
  
"Explain yourself," Ranma demanded.  
  
"Err, hi, Ranma," Gosunkugi smiled weakly.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.13  
Private use only  
  
 


	14. 14

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 14  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Akane ran through the city streets, afraid and alone.  
  
She still thought of herself as Tomboy Akane Saotome... even  
if Ranma had cast her out. 'I don't know you,' he said,  
completely emotionless... ignoring her love...  
  
But what could she do? He didn't love her back. He  
rejected her. Now she didn't have anywhere to go, an extender  
without a family, disgraced by her fiancee. Her fiancee, who she  
loved with all her heart, who she was embarrassed to be around  
for treating him so badly in the past... he didn't even recognize  
her now. He didn't care about her in the slightest.  
  
Akane felt enraged about this, the anger an unfamiliar fire  
that crept into her mind the more she thought about Ranma. She  
knew that getting angry was wrong, since it meant disturbing the  
peace and being impolite, but she didn't care anymore. Her  
politeness had snapped easily when Ranma told her off, mind  
suddenly able to think about doing things it would have been  
appalled at considering before. Ranma -- that baka -- took her  
heart and crushed it under his foot, with those four stupid  
words.  
  
He was going to have to pay.  
  
She had tried to love him, but now she hated him. And if  
she couldn't get him, nobody would.  
  
Akane took a sharp left and entered a hardware store,  
looking around for something heavy and destructive and in the  
price range of the yen she had in her pockets.  
  
*  
  
Gosunkugi remained sitting on the hard asphalt surface of  
the garage, a proverbial deer stuck in the headlights of Ranma's  
accusing glare.  
  
"Err," Gosunkugi started.  
  
"Umm," he continued.  
  
"I can explain," he offered.  
  
"I never would have thought it'd be you," Ranma commented,  
voice completely lacking amusement or whimsy.  
  
"You didn't know?" Gosunkugi asked. "Then... how'd you know  
to splash me?"  
  
"I didn't. I was acting on an impulse that seems to have  
paid off."  
  
"You mean I was unmasked by ACCIDENT?" Gosunkugi asked,  
disgusted. "Nabiki'd have my hide if she heard that..."  
  
"Speaking of which..."  
  
"Speaking of Nabiki or having my hide?" Gosunkugi asked,  
swallowing hard.  
  
"Both," Ranma said, crackling a few knuckles for emphasis.   
"Spill it. Spill the whole story of what YOU'RE doing as Yuriko,  
or more things are gonna get spilled than you'd like."  
  
"It's not my fault, you understand?" Gosunkugi protested.   
"Okay... it is my fault, a bit. I've been working as a general  
hush-hush activity man for Nabiki Tendo herself for a long time  
now. I mean, I am a Ministry of Data liaison... I have a lot of  
vacation time, easy work, and access to incredible amounts of  
information. She wanted what I had, and paid me well..."  
  
"You're not answering my question. What are you doing  
posing as a girl?"  
  
"Gee, could it possibly be because if I stomped down here as  
myself, you'd never go along with her little scheme?" Gosunkugi  
asked sarcastically. "You didn't really take me seriously as  
Gosunkugi, Saotome, which is good; I've been posing as a meek,  
spineless guy on purpose. But by the same token, if I did the  
things I did as him, you'd beat me up. My normally useful nerd  
guise wasn't useful here. The easiest way around that was to  
TEMPORARILY turn me female, since you don't attack girls... a  
transformation done much to my protest..."  
  
"That's it? So Nabiki Experiment-Jed you so I wouldn't hit  
you?" Ranma asked. "And you went ALONG with it?"  
  
"I didn't have a choice, see?" Gosunkugi complained. "Like  
it or not, I'm on Nabiki's underground payroll. Not just in  
money, but in information. I can't quit my 'job', because I'd be  
too dangerous to her on the streets. She's got me working as a  
pawn, as well as you. Whatever Nabiki wants, Nabiki gets. I've  
learned to both admire and be disgusted by her drive over the  
years..."  
  
"So that's why you decided to show up as 'Yuriko', too,"  
Ranma nodded, putting the pieces together. "I knew when I saw  
you that you had a thing for Akane. Why not drive a wedge  
between us while you do your little job? Makes sense."  
  
"Got me there. Well, now she's gone, and that's a bad  
thing," Gosunkugi said. "You want to find out how I know about  
her?"  
  
"Obviously, yes."  
  
"Alright," Gosunkugi started. "It all started with the car  
bomb. Sure, the car blew, but Akane lived through it; she was  
just getting in when the car went off. Nabiki bought the medics  
over their CB radio while they were on the road, taking her to  
the hospital... while they were just GETTING there. Then she had  
me intercept the ambulance and bring Akane to the Basement of  
MoE..."  
  
Gosunkugi looked at the floor. "Nabiki told me she just  
wanted to make sure her sister got the best medical care... she  
was in a coma, after all... but the outside world was told she  
died. Nabiki labelled her 'Experiment-A', and that was that,  
nobody ever knew she was Akane other than the two of us. I was  
just training then, and one of my tasks was to keep experiments A  
through E going... I had to drip-feed her chemicals to keep her  
in the coma. She healed up okay, got plastic surgery, but Nabiki  
clearly didn't want Akane to wake up yet. She was waiting for  
it, Saotome, waiting for a time when Akane would be useful..."  
  
"That's ridiculous. Akane's her SISTER. Why would Nabiki  
do something like that?"  
  
"SHE WOULD!" Gosunkugi yelled, rather shakily. "You don't  
know her, Ranma. I do. She's not heartless per se, but she  
likes to capitalize on things... if reviving her sister later on  
would help her dispose of her rival Kodachi, so be it. So I had  
to keep her under. I didn't like it one bit... heading down the  
elevator to the Basement each day, to see that face staring up  
from the slip-shod hospital bed. She was so innocent, being  
pushed down without being able to protest, subject to her  
sister's whims... I got infatuated with her without realizing  
it... when the order came down to revive her, and she got lost in  
the Ministry of Data warehouse... a lot of Akanes were shipped  
that night."  
  
"So Akane Tendo got shipped off to me by accident..." Ranma  
concluded, shocked.  
  
"Exactly. When you brought Akane by my house that night,  
and I saw the same face I had seen every day... a clone's face,  
yes, but somehow different. And the voice, the tone, the  
attitude, everything suggested the person I had known well. I  
re-traced the shipping orders and video tapes, and found out  
Akane DIDN'T die in the fight, but got sent to you. So, I made a  
judgement call and defied Nabiki for the first time. Nabiki  
asked me later if I checked all outgoing Akanes for trademarks,  
and I decided to lie. I checked, all right; and I knew exactly  
which one didn't have one."  
  
"Does Akane know? No, scratch that. She does," Ranma  
nodded. "She 'had a feeling' she was Akane Tendo, and had some  
memories... most of us blamed this on Ryouga's clone tampering."  
  
"Oh, yeah, the pizza girl," Gosunkugi nodded. "One of the  
many screwed up shipments made that night. Nobody really cared  
about that one."  
  
"So if the Akane that just ran off wasn't the one we know,  
who was it?"  
  
"Just another Akane. I think we can assume Akane's not just  
lost, but something's happened... someone knew to slip another  
Akane in her place, one loaded with enough info to fool us,"  
Gosunkugi said. "Except it was just an extender, and didn't have  
the personality we'd recognize. I wouldn't put this beyond  
Kodachi, but all my sources say she's busy doing other things."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like... things. Nothing illegal, heck, all of it is above  
board. But she's very active. I can tell you later; for now,  
we'd better see if we can find who's got Akane."  
  
"Wouldn't it be Kodachi? Akane WAS her rival..."  
  
"Kodachi doesn't know Akane's identity. We're lucky; if she  
did, Akane wouldn't be alive for very long. Still there is a  
chance Ministry of Peace is behind this... we--"  
  
A muted bell rang inside the van. Gosunkugi's neck snapped  
to attention, eyes showing panic.  
  
"It's Nabiki," Gosunkugi said, not unlike saying 'It's the  
Reaper'. "I can't answer that, I'm not in my disguise... and if  
you answer it, she'll know you're onto us..."  
  
"You don't have any cold water, remember?"  
  
"That's because I HATE being female," Gosunkugi said. "The  
less I have around the better... argh. I'll have to answer it  
anyway... you stay out here. Listen in, though."  
  
Gosunkugi carefully worked his way around Ranma, to the van.   
He dug through the piles of straw dolls, magazines and other junk  
until he had a grasp on the phone, and clicked the ANS button.  
  
"Hello?" he spoke into the air, more than a little nervous.  
  
"DT, we've got a-- you're male."  
  
"Umm, yeah."  
  
"You know you're not supposed to go out without splashing  
yourself first--"  
  
"Well... FRANKLY, Nabiki, I'm sick of being female, okay?"  
Gosunkugi snapped. "I'd like to have a penis for awhile, if it's  
fine with you!"  
  
Silence flowed out of the phone's speaker in a thick  
torrent. Gosunkugi paused, mentally kicking himself for yelling  
at his boss... but Nabiki didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Go find Ranma and head down to the Ice Pavilion," Nabiki  
ordered. "The Luckiest Man Alive just got back from his tour,  
and this is probably the only chance we'll have to extract him.   
I'll fax the info to you. NT out."  
  
The phone's LED array clicked off. Gosunkugi exhaled. "I  
shouldn't have yelled at her like that..." he admitted. "That  
was really dumb of me..."  
  
"At least you stood up for yourself," Ranma said.  
  
"You approve?" Gosunkugi asked, confused. "You know,  
honestly, I was expecting you to... beat the hell out of me once  
you found out I was stringing you along as a girl."  
  
"I was seriously considering it," Ranma nodded gravely.   
"Until you started telling me everything. You could have done  
what Yuriko's always done, clam up, lie, make threats... but you  
didn't."  
  
"How do you know I wasn't laying fibs on you now?"  
  
"Simple. When you explained Akane's story, the way you  
phrased it, and the tone of your voice... no way you could have  
been lying. It's how I would have told it. So I take it we'll  
have to delay finding Akane?"  
  
"Probably. When Nabiki says move, we move. Besides, this  
might be the proof we need so you can stop working for us."  
  
"And I can get cured, right?"  
  
Gosunkugi paused. "Ummm. Did I mention what happened to  
Experiment-J yet?"  
  
*  
  
Gosunkugi grumbled, pressing the ice pack tighter against  
his face, lugging the heavy plastic bag alongside him down the  
aisle.  
  
Okay, okay, that kind of a reaction could be expected, he  
thought. If anything, simply being slugged across the jaw was  
minor compared to his darkest nightmares of what would happen  
when Ranma discovered who 'Yuriko' was.  
  
That didn't make his head ring any less, however.  
  
"Ice," he told the Ryjekistani cashier, plopping his bag on  
the counter, along with his unmarked MoE credit chip. "And three  
bottles of cold spring water."  
  
The man nodded in the gruff style associated with his  
stereotype, and clicked the items into his computer. He was a  
Ryjekistani refu who had agreed to travel to Tokyo; Ministry of  
Peace checked every incoming refugee thoroughly, and kept tabs on  
them begrudgingly. Kodachi didn't want any of the 'enemy' coming  
over here, but Kasumi had insisted that the sick, injured and  
mentally unwell be given better treatment than could be received  
on the war front. Planeloads of huddled masses would fly to a  
private Ministry of Sanitation airstrip once each month.  
  
None of them bore grudges, oddly... but this was normal,  
because anybody who walks out of the Ministry of Sanitation  
usually didn't hold ill will towards Tokyo. Unlike Kodachi, who  
forced her guests into submission, MoS was just nice to them.   
MoS didn't brainwash people, it was just very helpful and  
understanding and comforting. Repeat offenders were a rarity now  
that MoS patrolled the streets, because criminals really did see  
the err of their ways... or just didn't want to be impolite to  
their hosts by rejoining them. Kasumi extended the same  
hospitality to the victims of the Tokyo/Ryjekistani War, ignoring  
Kodachi's protests.  
  
"Change," the cashier said, more or less out of habit as he  
handed the single credit chip back to Gosunkugi. "Thank you for  
shopping, shop soon."  
  
Gosunkugi nudged the door open with his knee, both hands  
busy carrying different water products. Ranma was sitting by the  
van, reading a meter of fax printout.  
  
"Heya," he greeted, without looking up. "This is really  
interesting material... get this; this Mikado Sanzenin guy, he's  
been shot at least six times. We're not talking flesh wounds  
either, three of them were in the chest... one was in the head...  
and he's still alive and in good health. The Luckiest Man Alive,  
the paper's calling him."  
  
"That would be Mikado, yes," Gosunkugi said, tossing the  
water in the van.  
  
"How's the jaw?"  
  
"Bad," Gosunkugi stated, annoyed.  
  
"Sorry, but hey, you scared me one there," Ranma said.  
  
"It's true, Saotome. Experiment-J got ruined."  
  
"You were serious?"  
  
"Are you going to hit me again? Yes, it was. Look at it  
this way, though; I'm just as screwed as you are. I'm going to  
be changing genders until the end of time too. I'd consider that  
punishment enough."  
  
"Come on, it can't be gone forever. That's silly. I'm sure  
Nabiki kept notes or something. I'll worry about it later. You  
ought to read this fax, it's got some weird stuff in it..."  
  
"I've already read it," Gosunkugi said. "Get in the van.   
Who do you think WROTE that file, anyway?"  
  
"You did?" Ranma asked, folding up the paper and heading  
around to the passenger side. Gosunkugi hoisted himself through  
the driver's door, shutting it behind him.  
  
"Of course. I do all Nabiki's data collection work. I  
hadn't done anything major out of the Basement until you came  
along... now I hope I never have to leave it again."  
  
"What, I'm that bad?"  
  
"No, no... just I never wanted to be in this much danger.   
Or this much intrigue. I had just intended to throw tips  
Nabiki's way when I signed up, you know, be an MoD plant... I  
didn't know she'd want more than that. I didn't know she'd want  
THIS. High adventure's more your style, Saotome, not mine."  
  
"But surely you did more than just sit around MoD all day  
for her... you told me you worked at the Basement."  
  
"Part time, part time. I also did some MINOR field work...  
walk up to someone, tell 'em your story, and make a pickup.   
Stuff like that. But this, see, this is more intricate. There  
are too many variables. I don't like it much, and I'll be happy  
when I can get back to my normal life."  
  
"What's your normal life, then? At last check you had at  
least two to pick from."  
  
"I wouldn't mind being a magician," Gosunkugi said, pulling  
the van away from the quickie mart at intolerable speeds. "I've  
always dabbled, yeah, but I've never had time to do anything  
beyond dabbling. I could show you a trick..."  
  
Gosunkugi reached down to root through his junkpile, letting  
the wheel swing wildly. Ranma was about to dive for it and  
straighten the car out, when he noticed the wheel WASN'T swinging  
wildly... Gosunkugi looked up, noting Ranma's horrified face.  
  
"The car..." Ranma pointed out.  
  
"Oh, that. Auto pilot. It knows where to go. Now,  
anyway..."  
  
"You mean to tell me I've been subjected to your horrible,  
life-threatening driving for days when you could have just put  
the car in AUTO PILOT?" Ranma exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah. So?"  
  
The van's engine drowned out the sounds of violence.  
  
*  
  
The van pulled up to the Tokyo Ice Stadium, two battered  
girls flopping out of it. One considerably more battered than  
the other.  
  
"That was pointless," 'Yuriko' grumbled, rubbing her sore  
spots. "You didn't help matters any by jumping me, Saotome. How  
do you think you're gonna explain our looks to the guards?"  
  
"That's your job, not mine," Ranma said, rubbing the  
scratches she had gotten from Gosunkugi's self defense. "Why do  
we have to go as girls, anyway?"  
  
"Technical reasons," Yuriko said, pulling the now crumpled  
fax out of the van. "See here? It's our cover, as usual. Look,  
you just let me handle the talking, okay? I'll get us inside."  
  
"What're we here for, anyway?"  
  
"Just let me handle the talking, smile, and nod your head,"  
Yuriko requested, tossing the fax back inside the van and  
shutting the door. "This'll be a cakewalk."  
  
Ranma looked around. The parking lot was nearly full; the  
people were out en masse for the event at the Ice Stadium. Ranma  
knew why, too, from reading the fax.  
  
Apparently, the war in Ryjekistan was going very well, to  
the point where it'd be over soon. As a result, the  
entertainment wing of the Ministry of Peace could afford to pull  
their stress-relief variety show out of the war-torn country and  
do a brief tour here in Tokyo, for public relations and war  
promotion. It seemed to be working; five times what the stadium  
could hold were watching, from ticketed seats or home  
televisions.  
  
And the place was swarming with Ministry of Peace soldiers.   
Some just to show the force... some to act as security, like the  
six or seven Yuriko approached with a casualness that defied most  
beer commercials.  
  
"Greetings," Yuriko said, to the guards that were roughly  
2.653 times her size. "Where can we find one Mikado Sanzenin?"  
  
"Are you on the list?" a guard asked. Ranma looked around,  
but didn't see any of them carrying a list.  
  
"I should hope so," Yuriko said. "We're his temporary  
replacements. I believe you were told in advance? The Amazing  
Ranko and manager?"  
  
"Why do you look like you've been beaten up?" a random guard  
asked.  
  
"We got mugged on the way here. Don't worry, the talent  
didn't take too much damage," Yuriko noted, casting a very angry  
look at Ranma. "I can direct the makeup crew to help cover it  
up. Now can we get inside and talk to Mr. Sanzenin or not?   
We're operating on a very tight schedule, you know."  
  
"Let me call in a check," the guard said, and started  
muttering to the air. Ranma noticed the microphone on his helmet  
before Yuriko blocked her view.  
  
"I'm sorry that we've gone through so much trouble getting  
you here to practice your art, Miss Ranko," Yuriko fawned. "Rest  
assured that you WILL be able to perform tonight! There's quite  
a crowd in there, after all, and Commander of the Peace Kodachi  
would never allow Mikado to go on without a partner..."  
  
"Ummm... yeah, I could see how that'd be a problem," Ranma  
added. She glanced around the fake-concerned Yuriko to notice  
the guard visibly sweat.  
  
"There'll be no problems, ma'ams," the guard said. "You're  
cleared. We're arranging for an escort inside now."  
  
"Good!" Yuriko beamed. "Mikado will be pleased to hear that  
his replacement has arrived. How's Azusa-chan doing?"  
  
"Who?" Ranma asked. Yuriko politely stomped on her foot,  
Ranma trying to hold in the yell of pain.  
  
"Quite well, considering her injury. Clubbed behind the  
knee... very bad for skating. Rest assured that the culprit that  
did it has been apprehended!"  
  
Yuriko winced. "Yes, that is a good thing. I'd hate to see  
the miscreant hurt Ranko here, making you need to look for a  
replacement for your replacement!"  
  
"No problem, miss, the boys caught the bugger," a slimy  
looking extender said, wandering over from the ticket gate.   
"Henry Tuttle Wataru. Ministry of Peace. I'll be your escort."  
  
Yuriko blinked. "You?"  
  
"He's one of Kodachi's most trusted doctors. He's been  
working on Azusa all night," the guard replied.  
  
"Oy vey, wot a mess that girl is!" Henry nodded. "I'm glad  
they've just gone for a replacement. Bloody difficult, her."  
  
"Is the injury that bad?" Yuriko asked.  
  
"Well, no," Henry said. "You'd just have to see for  
yourself, miss..."  
  
*  
  
Backstage in the ice rink was a scene of pandemonium.  
  
"MICHEL! MICHEL!" the girl shrieked, yanking at the  
stethoscope. The doctor whose neck was currently tangled up in  
it went through the blue end of the color spectrum, as various  
other white-coated doctors desperately pulled at both ends of the  
tug-of-war. Most of the emergency medical staff was involved in  
the brawl, five men alone handling the futile task of restraining  
Azusa.  
  
"She's been like this all night," Henry grumbled. "Bloody  
Azusa extenders... don't know why Mr. Sanzenin puts up with them.   
I don't even know why MoD breeds 'em, the little devils. Hell of  
a grip they've got, tear the nipples off a weightlifter if she  
tried."  
  
"I WANT MY MICHEL!"  
  
"Anyway," Yuriko said, changing off the subject, "We need to  
see Mikado Sanzenin to discuss tonight's programme."  
  
"LET GO OF MICHEL, YOU BUTCHERS!"  
  
"No problem, miss. His makeup team is currently with him,  
right over there. 'scuze me one minute... lads, hold her down--"  
  
"I WANT MY KAWAII MICHEL! LEGGO, YOU baaaahh..." Azusa  
slowed, like a broken tape recorder. She flopped back on her  
frilly pink pillow, snoring the little whining snores of the  
disgustingly cute.  
  
"Mild sedative," Henry said, pocketing the syringe. "Well,  
no, heavy sedative. I don't know why I didn't think of it  
before, honestly... little rugrat was enough of a nuisance to--"  
  
"We need to see Mr. Sanzenin alone," Yuriko requested.  
  
"Frayed knot, miss. I've got my orders."  
  
"You would consider disrupting my client's creative flow?"  
Yuriko asked, insulted. "Ranko, I apologize for this ignorant  
man's lack of appreciation for your art. Sir, Ministry of Peace  
requires a tightly planned, flashy ice-o-rama knock-your-socks-  
off show to call tonight a success. My client does not have time  
to deal with your men interrupting her professional meeting with  
Mikado. Now, if you insist on not letting us discuss the ice  
show alone, this is your prerogative, but if tonight is anything  
but a smashing success your head will be on the chopping block!"  
  
Henry paled. "Umm... well... look, it's not like I'm in  
control of this situation, I'm just a medical tech--"  
  
"You're the head medical tech, are you not?"  
  
"'ow'd you know that?"  
  
"Then use your position to get my client some PRIVATE time!   
Honestly, us managerial types require SOME cooperation..."  
  
"Look, I'll see what I can do, okay miss?" Henry said.   
"Best I can offer."  
  
"Then see to it!" Yuriko demanded. "How are you feeling,  
Ranko? Do you need anything to keep your skating skills primed  
for tonight?"  
  
"Err, no, thanks," Ranma smiled and nodded.  
  
Henry wandered off, headed for the small obligatory group of  
guys with guns that were watching over the impromptu medical  
unit. Yuriko waited until they were engrossed in a whisper  
argument, then turned to Ranma.  
  
"I told you I could get us inside," she muttered.  
  
"Umm, there's a small problem with our cover, Yuriko..."  
  
"Must you call me that?"  
  
"Would you rather I call you Gos--"  
  
"NOT HERE!" Yuriko hissed, clamping a hand over Ranma's  
mouth. "Yuriko will do, for NOW. Looks like our boy Henry has  
succeeded, anyway. Here he comes."  
  
"Alright, the guards agreed to let you have some quiet  
time," Henry said. "But nothing funny, unnerstan?"  
  
"You would dare accuse the Amazing Ranko, world renown  
skater of trying 'something funny'?"  
  
"NO! I mean, argh, look, go talk to the bugger, alright?"  
Henry requested, pointing to a nearby dressing room. "I've got a  
patient to deal with. Sanzenin's waiting for you."  
  
*  
  
Mikado looked up from his costume rack as Yuriko and Ranma  
entered the room. He was a typical celebrity... perfect skin,  
styled hair, fashionable clothing. Looks generic enough to make  
him likeable by anybody, but specific enough to get him  
recognized. The skater did seem slightly depressed, however...  
the slow swing of his head, the lazy eyes that rested on Ranko  
and Yuriko...  
  
"The Great Ranko," Yuriko introduced, with a sweeping bow.  
  
"I thought it was the Amazing Ranko," Ranma corrected.  
  
"Shut up, kid," Yuriko suggested, closing the door. "Is the  
room bugged? My client would not approve of such--"  
  
"No, it's not," Mikado said, in a depressed tone. "So,  
Nabiki's sent another team. I'm not surprised, really..."  
  
"Another team?" Ranma asked. "Look, now that I'm not 'The  
Amazing Ranko', care to explain what's going on, 'Yuriko'?"  
  
"It's very simple," Yuriko said, dropping the Concerned  
Manager act. "Mikado Sanzenin here wants to defect over to MoE's  
side. However, since he is part of the MoP entertainment  
entourage, and has been on the war front for months, that's been  
a little difficult."  
  
"I hope you do better than Nabiki's last three teams,"  
Mikado nodded.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Them. They sort of... died. Get that look off  
your face, 'Ranko', we're not under their circumstances. No war,  
get it? Mikado's supposed to fly back there and continue  
entertaining the troops in a week, giving us a nice, safe  
window."  
  
"So how're you getting me out this time?" Mikado asked.  
  
"Simple. You and Ranko here strut your stuff on the ice a  
bit, I arrange for a diversion and some of our troops will grab  
you. Easy as pie," Yuriko said.  
  
"I do hope it goes well this time," Mikado said. "I died  
last time you tried getting me out."  
  
"Well, don't worry, that won't happen again. We--"  
  
"DIED?" Ranma asked. "What do you mean, died? How're you  
here if you died?"  
  
"She doesn't know?" Mikado asked.  
  
"Err, no. I try to keep information on a need to know  
basis--"  
  
"I'd say I need to know," Ranma complained. "What's this  
about dying?"  
  
"I've died... I don't know, maybe twelve times so far,"  
Mikado said. "The first time was a thrill. I managed to kiss  
this cute medivac helicopter pilot as my dying request... ah, to  
die with those lips... but to awaken a day later. Not quite what  
I had intended, you see. Die in a dramatic way, impress the  
ladies, go in a way suiting of a man of my caliber. Not to wake  
up in some army medical tent, being told that I had been  
reincarnated through some miracle process..."  
  
"See, Mikado's another of Kodachi's little projects," Yuriko  
took over. "Anybody can be cloned to develop an extender. But  
see, once they're dead, that's kind of it; nothing left to clone,  
because you can't read dead brains."  
  
"Kodachi found a way," Mikado said. "All they needed was a  
test subject... and since my continued presence on the war front  
was soothing for the troops, they reincarnated me. I didn't  
mind, I mean, it meant I could pursue my art and my dates longer,  
until I got shot by the enemy one day... and woke up... and  
stepped on a land mine a week later... and woke up..."  
  
"So all we need to do is get Mikado over to the Basement...  
or what's left... for some tests, and we've got proof," Yuriko  
concluded.  
  
"Good luck," Mikado said. "I've died enough times from you  
people trying to get me out of this contract that I don't expect  
much. It's such a shame... the last girl was so lovely... an  
Akane extender..."  
  
"WHAT?" Ranma exclaimed.  
  
"Calm down, Ranma, it's not one we know."  
  
"Yeah, but... still," Ranma said weakly. "Look, are you  
meaning to tell me I'm gonna get SHOT tonight?"  
  
"Of course not. This extraction has a much higher chance of  
success, because you've got a legitimate cover. With Azusa down  
for the count thanks to an MoE specialist, and you as a  
replacement ice skater, you'll be nearby to spirit him away when  
the time comes."  
  
"Yuriko, we have a problem."  
  
"Namely?"  
  
"I can't skate."  
  
Yuriko paused, jaw hanging open. "You... can't skate."  
  
"Yup."  
  
"How much can't you skate?" Mikado asked. "I could perhaps  
give you enough pointers to cover it up..."  
  
"I've never ever tried!" Ranma protested. "I haven't even  
roller skated. If it involves the word skate, I have no  
experience. If you had TOLD me this was our cover back in the  
van, maybe I could have kept it from getting this far... but  
NOOOO--"  
  
"Cut the whining, Ranko," Yuriko snapped. "Well... I guess  
we could... umm. I've kind of billed you as a skating goddess.   
Would MoP be suspicious if Ranko took two steps on the ice and  
fell flat on her face?"  
  
"Undoubtedly," Mikado nodded.  
  
"Alright. SO... hmmm. Hmmm. No... this isn't a problem.   
I think I know what we can do. I gotta go make some  
arrangements... you two kids just play along with whatever  
happens and it'll go okay, got it?"  
  
The skater and wannabe skater nodded along.  
  
"And remember, when the lights go out, make for the  
backstage area," Yuriko said. "Both of you. We've got a team  
nearby, but you need to reach them before they can get you out of  
here. I've got arrangements to make. You two get comfortable,  
it's gonna be a long night."  
  
With that, Yuriko exited the dressing room, and shut the  
door behind her. Mikado shrugged, and turned to Ranko.  
  
"I hope you don't get hurt, miss," Mikado said. "It would  
be a shame to lose a lovely petal such as yourself..."  
  
"'Lovely petal'?" Ranma asked, quirking an eyebrow.  
  
"Truly, yes. I have used many an Azusa for a partner...  
they are fine girls, one and all, but a bit disturbed. Many have  
died alongside me in the course of my tour of duty, simply  
replaced with another, but the loss bears upon my soul greatly...  
and to know that one such as you, who isn't 'expendable' is  
placed at risk..."  
  
"Glad to hear I'm not expendable..." Ranma said, not  
entirely sure she appreciated the phrasing or tone. "So, ahh...  
you've been on the war front?"  
  
"If you can call it that," Mikado grumbled. "Really, the  
Ryjekistanis can't put up much of a fight... they probably could  
have been defeated a year ago. But I guess the army held back a  
bit, since war is good for the economy. New troops fly in each  
week, to the point where we outnumber them ten to one... so many  
troops to entertain. It's a living, albeit a stressful one."  
  
"But isn't the war winding to a close?"  
  
"You'd never know by the looks of it out there," Mikado  
said. "If anything, the troop total is the highest it's ever  
been. And these new troops are somewhat scary... they don't talk  
much. Sometimes they don't applaud at the ice shows; when we  
bring the portable rink around, they just stare into space...  
creepy."  
  
Mikado paused, surveying Ranma with his eyes. Ranma  
squirmed under the gaze. Definitely don't like that look, she  
thought...  
  
"I feel bad for bringing one as beautiful as yourself into  
this world of dark lanterns and danger," Mikado sighed. "If it  
were not for my own folly, my own desire to rest in peace once  
and for all, I would not be endangering you... Please, allow me  
to express my apology to you..."  
  
"Apology?" Ranma gulped.  
  
With that, Mikado scooped the unsuspecting Ranma up and  
kissed her deeply.  
  
"Ten minutes!" a voice called, knocking on the door.  
  
"I believe we're on," Mikado said, breaking the kiss and  
unceremoniously dumping the stunned Ranma on the floor. "I'll  
see you on the ice, my lovely. Please, try not to get hurt."  
  
With that, Mikado wandered out, leaving Ranma staring at the  
ceiling, wide eyed.  
  
And mad.  
  
VERY mad.  
  
*  
  
"...now you understand that this will be an unusual routine,  
so expect the unexpected," Yuriko said.  
  
"But we're under orders to look out for any dangers to the  
persons of Mikado and his partner," the MoP officer said. "How  
am I supposed to know what's normal for the act and what isn't?"  
  
"Simple. Look over to me. If I do this hand signal,"  
Yuriko said, making a cutting motion across her throat, "That  
means this is unplanned and what's going on could be a problem.   
Otherwise, you have your boys back off, okay? This is an  
extremely complicated, extremely CREATIVE programme, and the  
slightest disturbance may ruin the comedic timing... does the PA  
booth know about the changes?"  
  
"I've relayed them, yes. I don't like the sounds of this,  
miss..."  
  
"Look, this will go over GREAT with the audience. Trust me.   
Just don't interfere unless you get the signal... why're the  
lights dimming?"  
  
"Show is about to start, ma'am. I'll keep an eye on you for  
that signal," he said, flipping down a night visor over one eye,  
and wandering off. Yuriko nodded, and waited.  
  
It took a LOT of last minute planning, but she thought she  
had Ranma's total lack of skating experience covered. With no  
slip-ups or unexpected problems, this would still work.  
  
*Back from his tour of the Ryjekistani war front, ready to  
greet his civilian public once more... please welcome... MIKADO  
SANZENIN!* the announcer blared, a little too loud. The crowd,  
already toked up on popcorn and high-sugar soft drinks, applauded  
wildly as the skating god took to the ice, leaping and spinning  
as the spotlight followed him.  
  
Another spotlight rested on the backstage entrance...  
waiting for his partner.  
  
*  
  
Ranma slammed one skate on the ice, cracking it nicely.  
  
The crowd was too busy cheering for Mikado to notice his  
entrance. The guards, on the other hand, noticed it... but since  
Yuriko was too busy trying to peel her jaw off the floor to make  
any hand signals, they ignored Ranma's presence.  
  
Mikado noticed it. It would be hard not to feel the icy  
fires of anger and hatred directed at him, even from this  
distance. Another fan, he reasoned, and skated over to the boy.  
  
If Ranma was capable of telekenetically exploding someone's  
head, Mikado would not be smiling like he was.  
  
"Sir, please, this is a closed show," Mikado started. "I  
can handle autographs later--"  
  
"Mikado Sanzenin..." Ranma rumbled, like a monster truck's  
ignition key turning. "You... are going... to DIE..."  
  
"Again?" Mikado asked, as the punch landed right between his  
eyes. Mikado simply slid backwards on his skates, shaking his  
head to clear it.  
  
Ranma ignored the frantic, protesting hand signals from  
Yuriko, and charged after Mikado, onto the ice. He made two  
steps before falling flat on his face.  
  
*And now, enjoy the slapstick stylings of... the AMAZING  
RANKO! Umm, is that right?* the announcer asked, unaware the  
microphone had picked it up.  
  
"Are you alright, sir?" Mikado asked, reaching out to help  
Ranma up. Ranma slapped his hand away.  
  
"I can't let you LIVE after a disgrace like that!" Ranma  
scowled. "To think you... KISSED ME..."  
  
"What? Ugh! No, I didn't! I only kiss adorable girls, not  
psychotic maniacs!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Ranma screamed, charging across the ice like a  
wounded bison. Mikado easily sidestepped the charge, Ranma  
skidding to a halt and falling over in the process.  
  
Meanwhile, across the ice, Yuriko was throwing a fit.  
  
"I don't understand," the officer in charge said. "I  
thought you SAID it was going to be a 'slapstick comedy-of-  
errors'."  
  
"Yeah, but... Ranko... he... she..." Yuriko stammered.   
"This isn't going well at all..."  
  
"Should I order the boys to remove this joker from the ice?   
They're pretty close to us, I could probably just walk out there  
and--"  
  
"NO!" Yuriko said. "It's, umm, that's just Ranko in a  
costume. Don't worry, it's all part of the plan."  
  
"I must admit, this is pretty funny. That gu... Ranko is  
really doing a good job pretending to be a bad skater!"  
  
"You don't know the half of it. Excuse me a second, I'm  
headed to the refreshment stand."  
  
Ranma made another charge across the ice, the confused but  
alert Sanzenin easily avoiding it. However, Ranma was prepared,  
and grabbed onto Mikado's costume while sliding by, pulling the  
other boy to the ice.  
  
Mikado oofed at the impact, trying to scrabble his way to  
standing, while Ranma held on with a death grip rivaling most  
corpses.  
  
"What's your PROBLEM?" Mikado asked. "Where's Ranko?   
What's going on?"  
  
"Keep your lips to yourself, Sanzenin!" Ranma demanded,  
clutching a leg like a life preserver. "SOME people don't  
appreciate--"  
  
"INCOMING!" Yuriko yelled to Ranma, pulling a bottle of root  
beer out of her jacket, proceeding to shake it up. Ranma waved  
for her to stop, but it was too late; the pressurized soft drink,  
nicely chilled, had already doused Ranma down. Her clothes began  
to smell of carbonated prune juice.  
  
"Wha?" Mikado asked, gaping at Ranma's new body in  
confusion.  
  
"Now go skate, stupid!" Yuriko demanded, tossing the empty  
bottle away.  
  
"Ranko! THERE you are," Mikado said. "Come to my arms and  
let us grace the ice--"  
  
The audience cheered as the wacky slapstick comedy started  
up again.  
  
The Ministry of Peace officer stared on, along with the rest  
of the viewers. "When did Ranko lose her boy disguise?"  
  
"It was fluid soluble," Yuriko said. "Things should be more  
normal from here on. No worries. Excuse me, I'm off to make  
some arrangements."  
  
"Umm... you'd better stay here," the officer said, resting a  
meaty paw on Yuriko's shoulder. "I'm getting some disturbing  
radio reports..."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"There's trouble. It seems there was a mercenary squad  
waiting at the backstage area."  
  
Yuriko swallowed. "You don't say."  
  
"Plus there's some kind of commotion at the east gate...  
some crazed girl with what looks like a large mallet is trying to  
get past... make that has gotten past the guards. You stay put,  
I'd better go investigate this. Unless this is all a part of  
your 'comedic revue'?"  
  
"NO! Well... no. You go do your duty, officer, I'll make  
sure the ice show goes off without a hitch."  
  
It was a bit late at that point.  
  
While Ranma and Mikado had something that was a cross  
between a death match and a Three Stooges cartoon going on the  
ice, someone had managed to make it through the guards  
surrounding the rink.  
  
Charging in from the east gate, knocking three armored  
troops aside like bowling pins, was an Akane extender carrying a  
very large hammer, dressed in the same clothes she fled the  
parking garage in.  
  
"RANMA!!!!" she yelled, in a voice that actually carried  
better than the PA system. "YOU'LL PAY FOR IGNORING MY LOVE!"  
  
"Is this part of the show too?" the officer asked, turning  
to Yuriko. Who wasn't there.  
  
End of File  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.14  
Private use only  
  
 


	15. 15

Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion  
Part 15  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously. If  
I ever even considered claiming that these were my own  
characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where  
I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)  
  
(This is the FINAL EPISODE of Ministry of Confusion... which  
means the next task is getting the MoC Perfect Collection  
box set together. Be sure to check  
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/ministry.htm for updates,  
it could take awhile.)  
  
-=-  
  
The officer in charge looked around for Yuriko. The skating  
queen's manager wasn't around, clearly... but he had orders to  
make sure nothing funny happened... but wasn't the POINT of  
comedy on ice to be funny?  
  
Stuck in a quandary, he just decided to watch the show and  
hope it got funnier.  
  
The Akane sliding across the ice and approaching Ranko  
didn't seem particularly funny. Particularly not the way she was  
swinging around that large wooden mallet, although watching Ranko  
scramble to avoid the blows was kind of amusing...  
  
Ranko wasn't amused one bit. "Akane, cut it out! You could  
hurt someone!"  
  
"That's the IDEA, you baka!" Akane sneered, swinging wildly.   
Ranko avoided the blow by falling to the ice, letting her spin  
out like a top on the frictionless surface. Akane landed on the  
ice, hard, mallet clattering.  
  
"Look... Akane? I'm a little busy here, Umm... I can talk  
it over with you later--"  
  
"The time for talking is OVER, Ranma," Akane stated,  
scrambling for her hammer. "I saw you on the television, out  
here. And I saw you change into a girl. So not only do you not  
love me, you've been lying to me about your real gender all this  
time! Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am about this?"  
  
"Look, I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, but  
it's not my fault!" Ranma said, using her skates to back away  
from the crazed girl. "Someone made you think you were the Akane  
I knew, just to keep me from noticing... you're just a pawn in  
this. Don't be mad at me, be mad at the person who made you  
think you were Akane!"  
  
"It doesn't matter who I am really!" Akane yelled, grabbing  
her hammer and using it to push herself along the ice. "I told  
you to your face that I loved you and you told me to go away!   
How COULD you?"  
  
"I never said that!" Ranma said, finally getting to his  
skates and proceeding to coast backwards, avoiding wild hammer  
swings.  
  
"You said you didn't know me!"  
  
"And I DON'T! But that doesn't mean I don't like you."  
  
Akane paused. "You mean... you do?"  
  
"Well, Akane, it's like this," Ranma reasoned, relieved not  
to be on the receiving end of more mallet swings. "You're a nice  
girl -- really! -- but, well, I care for you as a human being,  
but you know, not as--"  
  
The audience laughed wildly as Ranko took a mallet impact to  
the chest. It looked so realistic!  
  
*  
  
Kodachi got out of her limo, ignoring the various media  
figures that gathered around any Minister who travelled in  
public. She stormed past the cameras, fans who wanted her  
autograph, and other various nothings, straight to her officer of  
the guard.  
  
"AHEM," she ahemed, clearing her throat. The officer, who  
was busy watching the brawl on the ice, jumped and span around.  
  
"Aahhh... Mistress Commander of the Peace Kodachi Kunou!"  
  
"Miss Kunou will do, captain. What seems to be the problem?   
I had expected something a lot more comprehensible than the  
mayhem I saw on the television tonight..."  
  
"Well, umm, Azusa got clubbed and we needed a replacement,  
so we went through MoP's files and found this Amazing Ranko  
person, only some guy ran out and attacked Sanzenin but Ranko's  
manager said that was okay and--"  
  
"Calm down, captain. You're babbling. What's going on  
right now?"  
  
"Ranko and some other girl are doing a slapstick routine, I  
think," the captain said, gesturing to the ice.  
  
"That's not 'Ranko'," Kodachi said. "My, I was surprised to  
see the little switcheroo this evening on my television... ah,  
Ranma darling... do me a favor and bring the redhaired one in for  
questioning."  
  
"What, in the middle of the ice show?"  
  
"You've got the screens. Use them."  
  
"But her manager said--"  
  
"Her manager," Kodachi interrupted, "Is being dealt with."  
  
"Huh? None of my troops have said anything about--"  
  
"I've employed the specialist for her. Seems our little  
miss manager is the one who's been toying with us all this time,  
according to the video tape... she will be taken care of. Now,  
will you carry out your orders, or do you want to pursue this  
time-consuming line of questioning? Do your duty, captain."  
  
"Hai, ma'am. Right away," the officer nodded. "Okay, boys,  
screens up."  
  
*  
  
"You don't have to do this, you know," Yuriko protested,  
struggling against the arm that held her captive, and the other  
which carried the gun. "Whatever Ministry of Peace pays out, I'm  
sure Ministry of Economics can pay six times that. Honestly."  
  
"Shut up," the muffled voice behind the ski mask replied.  
  
"Look, I'm a master of martial arts. Really. Don't make me  
hurt you with my, umm, hack fu."  
  
"So am I. Now shut up."  
  
"Who ARE you, anyway?"  
  
"I said SHUT UP!"  
  
"You're that specialist I've been looking into in my spare  
time, aren't you? The one that wrecked MoE's Basement? If you  
were supposed to kill me, why haven't you done it by now?" Yuriko  
asked. "Second thoughts?"  
  
"SHUT--"  
  
"--up, yes, shut up, I know. Sorry, no thanks. I don't  
think you have the guts to pull that trigger--"  
  
The specialist aimed the gun at a nearby wall, and fired.   
The bullet whanged off a pipe, echoing around the room.  
  
"--but I could be wrong," Yuriko smiled weakly.  
  
The pipe, already weak from rust, burst open. The two  
figures were doused from head to toe in hot water, knocking them  
over with sheer water pressure.  
  
"GAAAH!" Gosunkugi spat, wrenching himself free of the  
specialists's grip. He started making a run for it.  
  
"STOP!" the specialist demanded. Gosunkugi paused, skidding  
to a halt on the wet floor, and turned around.  
  
"Oh, alright, get on with it," Gosunkugi whined. "This is  
getting boring."  
  
"Gos... GOSUNKUGI?" the specialist asked, eyes wide. Her  
voice...  
  
"Yeah, Gosunkugi... do I know you?" he asked, peering oddly  
at the person holding the gun. Now that the voice had changed  
from gruff orders to something more recognizable, Gosunkugi could  
swear that--  
  
"I... But I have to... look, just run," the specialist said,  
lowering the gun. "Run away."  
  
"Exsqueeze me?"  
  
"RUN!" the specialist ordered, waving her gun in a less than  
confident manner. "GO!"  
  
Gosunkugi didn't need to be told twice. Without a backwards  
glance, he made a break for it, trying to find the parking lot.  
  
That voice... it COULDN'T be... but it was.  
  
And for the first time, the pieces fit.  
  
*  
  
Akane looked up, dropping the hammer. "What's going on?"  
  
Ranma watched as the border surrounding the rink began to  
glow. Within seconds, the audience was gone; behind a wall of  
light, blocking all sight of them. The two girls were alone on  
the rink.  
  
From the audience's point of view, the rink was simply  
empty... lights off, nobody home. Cameras clicked over to a  
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY screen. Several soldiers  
began ushering people out, much to their dismay, while others  
dove for the rink, vanishing from sight once they reached the  
border...  
  
...only to appear through the holographic wall of light,  
fully armed, to confront Ranma and Akane.  
  
"What's going on?" Akane asked.  
  
"Okay, drop her!" the officer ordered. The sound of machine  
gun fire ripped across the rink, rebounding off the special walls  
to prevent the audience from hearing anything going on... machine  
gun bullets rebounding through Akane.  
  
Akane, look of shock expressing surprise more than pain,  
collapsed on the ice, rapidly staining it red.  
  
"AKANE!" Ranma screamed, trying to stumble her way across  
the ice. Several guards, already laced up with skates and  
trained, slid in her way.  
  
"Time to go, miss," they said, resting not unkind hands on  
her shoulders. Restraining ones.  
  
"Dammit, why'd you have to do that to her?" Ranma scowled.   
"She was just..."  
  
"She was a threat to a target we were ordered to bring in.   
Come along, miss."  
  
"If you think for a MINUTE that I'm going to--"  
  
CRACK. The rifle butt retracted as Ranma hit the ice, out  
for the count.  
  
"I'm glad Miss Kunou suggested that," the soldier noted.   
"I'd hate to have to deal with her awake... what should we do  
about the other one?"  
  
"Eh, I dunno. Let the rink medics tag and bag her. She's a  
goner. We've got to get Ranko out of here, come on."  
  
*  
  
"WHAT?!" Gosunkugi screamed, sweating visibly.  
  
"Sorry, you're on your own," Nabiki said. "Ministry of  
Peace knows who you are now, in both forms. I'm afraid any  
attempts by me to bail you out would connect us. Try not to say  
anything if they get you, please. NT out."  
  
"No, no, Nabiki, you can't do this! I've been your right  
hand man for so long... What about Ranma?"  
  
"He's outlived his usefulness. Besides, Kodachi already has  
him."  
  
"And you're gonna abandon him, too?"  
  
"Things are happening, DT. Troops are moving out to the war  
front in droves. Something very weird is happening at Ministry  
of Peace... I've got more important concerns. Thanks for your  
years of service. NT out."  
  
"Wait!" Gosunkugi said. "If you drop me now, you'll never  
know what happened to your sister!"  
  
Nabiki paused. "Eh?"  
  
"You may think you're high and mighty and I'm just this  
expendable little tool, but this tool knows more than you EVER  
will," Gosunkugi ranted. "You've made me too powerful, Nabiki,  
and now I'VE got the upper hand on you. I know where Akane Tendo  
is."  
  
"You said she died in the Ministry of Data warehouse!"  
  
"I told a little white lie," Gosunkugi grinned. "All I want  
in exchange for this information is safe passage out of this  
insane asylum. The ice rink is crawling with MoP types... I had  
to crash the van into a building and take the phone with me just  
to distract them. If they get me, your sister's location goes  
with me."  
  
"I suppose I could send in a transport... but we can't bring  
you back here, that's too dangerous."  
  
"I don't need to go there. Just give me access to whatever  
files I've got about the Ministry of Confusion... I think I filed  
them as GH.3515.1123.1... and a lift wherever I want to go, I'll  
be out of your hair forever."  
  
"The what? Those graffiti people? What good are they?"  
  
"I said I knew more than you. Now is it a deal or not?"  
  
"It's... it's a deal. Where's Akane?"  
  
"I'll tell your boys AFTER they drop me off."  
  
*  
  
Akane looked up, through the red honeycombs of her own  
vision.  
  
"You'd better lie still," a calming, soothing voice said,  
from somewhere to her left. "You've taken multiple bullet  
wounds... you've lucky I heard the noise and came after you.   
Most of the MoP medical team had left already with Azusa, but I'm  
on call by the rink's staff management 24 hours a day..."  
  
"Who're..."  
  
"Doctor Odo Tofu," the doctor replied, fuzzy head leaning  
into her vision. "I don't know how this happened, but you'll get  
better. What went wrong out there? All the televisions in here  
went into a test pattern, and the rink looked empty for  
awhile..."  
  
"I... I was..."  
  
"No, never mind the question. It's in the past; just  
concentrate on getting better now. I've given you some shiatzu  
points to help with the pain, and I'll have the Loyal Order of  
Tofus send down a transport to get you to better medical  
facilities--"  
  
"Don't leave me!"  
  
"Relax, miss, I won't. What did you say your name was?"  
  
"Akane..."  
  
"No, I mean your full name."  
  
"I don't... I'm not sure anymore... what's your name?"  
  
"Odo Tofu."  
  
"Tofu..." Akane thought happily, sinking into warmth. "Such  
a nice name..."  
  
With that, she fell asleep.  
  
*  
  
...ranma darling... ...wake up...  
  
Ranma groggily shook his head, trying to clear it of the  
mess it had become over the past few days. Honestly, these  
people fought dirty... KLONK and you were out, no real battle to  
it...  
  
...Ranma...  
  
"RANMA!!" Kodachi shouted directly in his left ear, sending  
whatever train of thought he had into a screaming wreck. "Are  
you feeling okay?"  
  
"No," Ranma said, slumping forward in his chair. "Where am  
I..."  
  
"My personal lair," Kodachi grinned, bounding in front of  
him. "I'm so happy we could meet again! So bittersweet,  
however, how you're working for that tramp Nabiki... and how she  
cursed you to be female... I shall punish her for that."  
  
"Where's Akane?" Ranma asked, looking around the darkened  
room.  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"The one at the ice rink!"  
  
"Oh. My troops killed her. She was hurting you!"  
  
"They KILLED HER?!" Ranma exclaimed, sitting bolt upright.  
  
"Oh dear! This seems to have disturbed you. I shall have  
the officer responsible flogged, then, to ease your worries. Can  
I get you anything for your head? Aspirin? Lithium? Thorazine?   
Prozac?"  
  
"No thanks... can I go home?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Of course not! You're with me now, why should you want to  
go back to that horrible dojo with that horrible little vixen and  
that horrible fat old man?"  
  
"It's not that horrible," Ranma grumbled. "Look, miss--"  
  
"Mistress Kodachi," Kodachi nodded.  
  
"I've got important business to attend to..."  
  
"Fine... I cannot harm you, Ranma, or impede you. I would  
never dream of it. On your way, then."  
  
"?" Ranma asked. "Well, okay. Thanks."  
  
"I just hope you can live with the consequences..." Kodachi  
said, in a cheery little sing-song voice.  
  
Ranma paused. "I had a feeling there'd be a clause  
somewhere in there. Okay, what's the deal?"  
  
"Very simple, really," Kodachi said. "You can do whatever  
you'd like. But see, if you do something that displeases me, it  
kind of gets me edgy... I love to push buttons when I'm edgy, it  
gives me something to let out my anger on. I've got this lovely  
button on my bracelet as you can see here, which I'd probably  
push if you were to displease me..."  
  
"..and this button does?.." Ranma egged on, waiting for the  
punch line.  
  
"Allow me to demonstrate," Kodachi said, clapping twice.   
The lights snapped on.  
  
The office was rather barren, except for a desk, office  
chair, a rack of strange weapons and torture implements, Akane  
Tendo tied to a wall fixture, some nice carpeting--  
  
Back up a minute.  
  
"Ranma?" Akane asked, in a mousy, frightened voice.  
  
*  
  
Gosunkugi hopped out of the generic MoE van, landing on the  
sidewalk pavement.  
  
"Thanks for the lift, see you around, Irving," he waved to  
the driver.  
  
"Hold up," Irving said. "Nabiki told me I was supposed to  
get some information out of you now."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that," Gosunkugi said. "Okay. Tell her I'm not  
going to tell her, she can go to hell, and I'm planning on  
keeping her sister safe and sound, away from the vindictive  
little bitch's plots and plans."  
  
"You want that said word for word?" Irving laughed. "Come  
on, DT, you know better than to tell off Nabiki like that. No,  
really, what message should I relay?"  
  
"I told you my message."  
  
"I don't think I can accept that answer. You want me to  
haul your ass back to MoE to get a real one, DT?"  
  
"You want me to wideband your sexual preferences and  
favorite foodstuffs and how they relate to the world, Irving?"  
  
Irving paused. "No."  
  
"Then you take your little toy car and you drive back to  
Nabiki and tell her that," Gosunkugi said. "But emphasize the  
safe and sound part. I can't guarantee that if Nabiki comes  
scouting for me, you know."  
  
"Yeah," Irving nodded. "Umm. Okay. Go to hell, vindictive  
little bitch. Got it. You want me to sing that to any  
particular tune?"  
  
"Just bug off, okay? I've got biz to conduct," Gosunkugi  
said. Irving pulled away, driving much more safely than  
Gosunkugi normally would. The former Ministry of Economics  
secret agent shrugged, and descended into the cellar of the  
abandoned building.  
  
He was very quickly learning just how powerful information  
was. He'd be residing in a MoP cell, dead or alive, if it  
weren't for the stockades and stockades of information he carried  
around. Now he was more powerful than Nabiki, more powerful than  
Kodachi... he could probably bring both of them down with a few  
sentences.  
  
Probably more dangerous than those two. But DEFINITELY not  
as well defended as those two.  
  
Which is why he chose to look up Jodan and the gang, he  
thought, stepping off the last stair. Best handle this casually;  
you are powerful. Nothing can hurt you except for automatic  
weapons or knives or fists or three foot katanas or STOP that  
thought right there...  
  
"I'm looking for the lord of the freaks?" he asked the  
darkened room.  
  
"He's in a meeting," the boy behind him said. Gosunkugi  
spun around, meeting the boy face to face. "How can I help you?"  
  
"I've got a deal to make with Jodan, leader of the Ministry  
of Confusion. And you are...?"  
  
"Raph, his left hand man. What's this deal?"  
  
*  
  
Akane was tied quite securely with a gymnastics ribbon to  
the wall, a bit of light fixture that didn't seem bolted, but  
physically molded from the same steel that the wall was made of.   
She didn't have any bruises or other indications of physical  
trauma, but she was clearly frightened beyond mortal  
comprehension...  
  
"It works like this, Ranma darling," Kodachi said, wandering  
over to Akane and resting a helping hand on her shoulder. "See,  
my little Akane extender friend here, we signed a contract a long  
time ago. Very long ago... but contracts are forever, you see.   
She works for me now. A 'specialist' of sorts, a dirty work  
person."  
  
"How is that possible? Akane's been with my family--"  
  
"I hadn't needed her until recently, so I let her stay in  
her kawaii little dojo. When the time came, I was lucky that she  
ran away from home! My boys tried to get her off the street, but  
she got away... a quick phone call reminder about her obligation  
and possible punishment cured that. I had hoped my little  
replacement Akane would spackle up the gaps--"  
  
"Replacement?" Akane asked.  
  
"--but you see, Tomboy Akane Saotome here had trouble with  
the duties I gave her," Kodachi continued. "Sure, she managed to  
really maul Nabiki's secret hideout, but when ordered to, she  
couldn't kill that silly MoE agent who's been pestering my  
affairs! Such disobedience... fortunately, there's a clause in  
her contract wherein if she fails me, she dies."  
  
"If you so much as lay a HAND on her--" Ranma started.  
  
"See, that's the fun part! I don't need to! The clause in  
her contract is the bag in her body. Remote control, interactive  
mayhem. Wave of the future stuff. I push the button here on my  
little white bracelet, and lots of chemicals get pumped into her  
bloodstream. Liquid pain, Ranma. Most people can't hang onto  
their lives under the pain for more than an hour, but I figure a  
girl with her stamina could be in intolerable pain for days and  
days before dying--"  
  
"You little--"  
  
"Bad words! No bad words. We're all friends here," Kodachi  
said, wandering over to Ranma. "I don't like bad language and I  
don't really think you want to displease me. Now, let's see.   
What to do on a boring sunday afternoon... I believe I have  
Monopoly, although really Nabiki's better at it..."  
  
"Ranma?" Akane asked. "I'm... sorry I got into this  
mess..."  
  
"What's to keep me from just untying that stupid ribbon and  
getting us out of here?" Ranma asked, pointing to Akane.  
  
"Simple. I'd push the button. Now really, Ranma, don't  
make this harder than it has to be. I'm hoping we'll learn to  
truly love one another... it's only a matter of time. Unless  
you'd rather have your little friend die."  
  
"I don't want to die!" Akane yelled, trying to pull at the  
ribbon. The ribbon cut into her hands slightly, but wouldn't  
yield.  
  
"What happens to YOU, clone, depends on what Ranma does,"  
Kodachi said, pointing an accusing finger at Ranma. "How about  
it, Ranma? Play Monopoly with me? I don't like to lose, by the  
way."  
  
*  
  
Gosunkugi knew Jodan had been busy, but his files could only  
vaguely grasp how busy.  
  
He recognized many of the faces from the files he himself  
had compiled. Miss Hinako... Happousai... all ten Tsubasae...  
Mikado Sanzenin... the extenders known as Ryouga Hibiki and Wrong  
Way Tendo... plus countless others Gosunkugi recognized from this  
file or that file.  
  
"Been active lately, haven't we?" Gosunkugi smirked.  
  
"I find it poetic in a way," Jodan said. "See, everybody in  
this room has been touched by Kodachi one way or another.   
Usually the wrong way. She doesn't seem to think that three high  
school punks could possibly be a threat to her, so I decided to  
prove her wrong."  
  
"We've got a really righteous destruction squad now," the  
young, evil-looking one named Chao replied.  
  
"How did you get all these people? I mean, I ran Happousai  
over--"  
  
"Rebuilt," Jodan corrected. "Not as easy as a paintbot, but  
the organic bits weren't harmed, thankfully."  
  
"The Tsubasas went brain dead."  
  
"We simply overcame our inhibitors," one of the Tsubasas  
piped in with. "We don't take orders from the Ribbon anymore,  
since she asked us to hurt Ucchan."  
  
"And Mikado... HOW did Mikado get here so quick?!"  
  
"One of the Tsubasas posed as a garbage can near the rink.   
It was just a matter of waiting until the mayhem on ice got high  
enough for nobody to notice a second trash can nearby... IE,  
Mikado in disguise... then wait awhile for the place to clear  
out."  
  
"I just got here a minute or two ago," Mikado said. "I  
never really intended to defect to Ministry of Economics, but I  
needed you to help Jodan get me out. Sorry."  
  
"So what's this deal you're talking about?" Jodan asked.   
"Come to join the savior of the freaks, the lord of the discarded  
MoP toys? We always welcome newcomers. We play bridge on  
Thursdays inbetween plotting anarchic ruin, you know."  
  
"I know you folks are planning on assaulting the MoP tower  
sometime soon."  
  
"That's right. After all, the place is rapidly emptying,  
troops moving out to the war front. We figure we'll have a good  
shot at taking the place in a few days."  
  
"I think you had better move up your attack to today,"  
Gosunkugi said.  
  
"Can't," Jodan replied. "Look, I may take on silly titles,  
but frankly this 'fighting force' isn't the next A-Team. We need  
to wait for the weakest moment if we want to pull this shtick  
off, you know? It'd look rather silly if we attacked the place  
and lost."  
  
"I have two main reasons," Gosunkugi said. "Well, one  
reason and one information trade."  
  
"Reason first."  
  
"Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo are being held captive  
there."  
  
"WHAT?!" Ryouga blurted out. "Akane?"  
  
"It's true," Gosunkugi nodded. "I think they've got Akane  
working as a 'specialist'... Kodachi's done it before. Typically  
she kills them once they outlive their usefulness, usually with a  
cortex bomb or something similar..."  
  
"Ministry of Peace is LOADED with delinquents!" Miss Hinako  
yelped. "This just proves that. Why not strike now and give  
them all detention before they do something not-nice to these  
people?"  
  
"I don't want my friend to die," Wrong Way Tendo said. "Why  
not step up the attack date?"  
  
"Ranma sweetums is there?!" Happousai exclaimed. "Such a  
waste of a lovely young girl! We must do something."  
  
"Ranma helped us avoid hurting Ucchan. We will help rescue  
him," three of the Tsubasas said.  
  
"Gang, need I remind you we're not an unstoppable army of  
justice here?" Jodan said. "Tsubasa has been scouting the tower  
for days now, and if the data is accurate, we're not going to be  
able to safely take the building for awhile. We need to wait for  
Kodachi to shift most of her forces over to Ryjekistani."  
  
"I can tell you two more things to convince you," Gosunkugi  
said. "Haven't you been wondering who the impersonators are?"  
  
"What impersonators?"  
  
"The Ministry of Confusion impersonators. The ones who bomb  
cafes, who do drive by shootings..."  
  
"They haven't struck in a long time..." Raph noted.  
  
"There's a reason," Gosunkugi said. "See, it was Kodachi's  
troops who were doing those things in your name."  
  
"That's nuts," Raph rebutted. "Why would Kodachi do  
something like that to her own city?"  
  
"Because it makes you look more evil. See, her plan, as she  
explained, was to haul you folks in when the time was right so  
she could claim her power over crime again. If Ministry of Peace  
could bring in 'terrorists of your kind' when Ministry of  
Sanitation couldn't, she'd easily regain her powers. But Kodachi  
has changed goals, don't you see? She doesn't care about  
domestic issues like crime anymore, so she gave up on that plan  
and left you alone. She's got a much nastier plan in mind.   
That's my second bit of information. And frankly, if that  
doesn't convince you to act fast, I don't know what will..."  
  
"So speak up," Chao demanded. "What's going on that we  
don't know about?"  
  
"It's like this. You know these little plans she's put most  
of you through, genetic tampering to make the ultimate soldier?   
Well, she's found the right combination. And she's been using  
it, under the guise of dental checkups..."  
  
*  
  
"I'm afraid we're a bit understaffed at the moment, or else  
I'd send up for a nice dinner," Kodachi said, landing the top hat  
on Broadway. "Hrm. I believe you own that, Ranma darling... how  
much is the rent?"  
  
"Astronomical," Ranma grumbled. "You've gone broke twice,  
Kodachi. Give it up."  
  
"Well... I could always play with buttons instead--"  
  
"NO!" Akane yelled. "Please!"  
  
"Akane, relax, I'll get you out of this," Ranma said  
  
"Then why are you playing BOARD GAMES with that... that...  
MANIAC?" Akane asked.  
  
"You know, Kodachi, people are going to come looking for  
me," Ranma said, passing GO and collecting 200 yen. "My friends  
at Ministry of Economics are probably rallying up a fighting  
force."  
  
"OHOHOHO!" Kodachi laughed. "Unlikely! Nabiki hasn't the  
foggiest idea what I'm doing. She still thinks that she can get  
'evidence' of my hobbies and bring me to court. Her courts don't  
apply, I'm afraid. No... I'm moving on to bigger, brighter  
things. As for your little friend Yuriko, I believe Nabiki's  
ditched the poor girl."  
  
"Ditched?" Ranma swallowed.  
  
"Oh, certainly. Yuriko's probably running for the border.   
My troops, what few I've got around, are looking quite intently  
for her. No, you two are certainly staying put, at least until  
you don't stay put. I tire of this silly game, however."  
  
"About time..." Akane grumbled.  
  
Kodachi knocked the board off her desk, scattering hotels  
and garishly colored yen around the room. "I have better games,  
anyway... allow me to fetch my whip--"  
  
Bzzzt, the desk rang. Kodachi looked away from her rack of  
torture implements, and returned to the desk, clearing the yen  
away to reach her intercom.  
  
"What is it?" she spoke, impatiently.  
  
"Umm... ma'am, we've got trouble," the guard said. "There's  
a motley crew of citizens down here who are saying they're going  
to take over the building within the next ten minutes. Should I  
tell them to go away?"  
  
"Just kill them," Kodachi said. "I'm busy."  
  
"Well... umm, ma'am, there's a problem. I've got a fifty  
yen piece aimed at me."  
  
"Why would that concern me?"  
  
"Because I've seen what it did to the last three squads we  
sent after these people, that's why! And the umbrella... and  
those grenades... even that guy's skates... Umm... one of them  
wants to talk, hang on..."  
  
The intercom fell silent for a few moments.  
  
"Hi," Jodan said into the mike. "Is this thing on?   
Testing, one two--"  
  
Kodachi's eyes widened. "YOU?"  
  
"Yeah. Look, sorry we're early, but we heard you already  
had some guests over and we figured we'd say hello. We'll be up  
shortly. Crack open the six packs, we'll probably be rather  
thirsty... 'bye."  
  
With a click, the intercom shut off.  
  
"Well, no matter," Kodachi said. "I've been ready to leave  
for quite some time. You two ready for a little trip?"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere with you," Ranma said. "Now you  
give me that bracelet and I won't have to hurt you."  
  
"OHOHOHOHO! As if! Ranma, you don't hit girls, remember?"  
  
"There's an exception to every rule," Ranma said, hitting  
Kodachi.  
  
Kodachi doubled over in pain, as Ranma's fist smashed into  
her stomach. She reeled backwards, from shock and anger, face  
reddening with the rush of blood and white hot fury. "Why, you  
ungrateful little--"  
  
Ranma clapped twice, and the lights went out.  
  
*  
  
Henry Tuttle Wataru stormed out of his office, screams of  
his patient sealed in when he shut the door behind him.  
  
"WOT THE BLOODY 'ELL IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!" he yelled to  
the rapidly retreating soldiers, who were yelling far louder than  
him as they rushed by him. "I'm trying to get some work done and  
you twits insist on carryin' on like it was doomsday--"  
  
"It IS doomsday! RUN!" one suggested, skimming by the  
doctor at upwards of 15 miles per hour.  
  
"Stop, delinquents!" the woman shouted, charging after them  
with what looked like... a rolled up bill? "HAPPO FIVE HUNDRED  
YEN SATSU!"  
  
Henry shielded his eyes from the blast, which rocked the  
building slightly. The soldiers collapsed to the ground,  
strength completely tapped.  
  
"What the..." he started, before the umbrella was pressed  
against his neck.  
  
"YOU," Ryouga scowled, letting the word roll from the left  
side of his mouth to the right. "You're the one responsible for  
what's happening with Akane, aren't you? WHERE IS SHE?"  
  
"I don't know!" Henry squirmed, pushed up and against the  
wall by the boy's umbrella. "Kodachi said she was going to play  
with her new toys... I don't know, try her office. I'm harmless,  
I swear! I'm not worth the effort!"  
  
"If they're in her office, we've got a lot of floors to  
cover," an Akane in an apron said, tapping Ryouga on the  
shoulder. "Come on, let the shrimp go. We've got to hurry."  
  
Ryouga nodded, and let Henry fall to the floor. Henry  
scrambled for his office door and through it, ignoring the  
squirming patient. He packed up whatever he had into his medical  
bag, and made a run for it.  
  
"What's going on?" another Tuttle asked, leaning out of his  
office door as Henry ran by.  
  
"Kodachi's going down, it looks like," Henry said. "And  
unless you wont to get sucked down too, get whatever you can and  
hightail it."  
  
*  
  
The other soldiers had the same idea.  
  
Clearly, the ones left behind in the nearly empty Ministry  
of Peace building were not the creme de la creme of the war  
machine. Most simply surrendered the minute they saw the  
approaching armada that they had heard of through frantically  
whispered rumor; some of the more enthusiastic ones switched  
sides and made up loyalty oaths, gleefully chasing down their  
former comrades in arms. The Ministry of Confusion took floor  
after floor with ease, the few that did put up resistance getting  
bludgeoned by umbrella, zapped by Miss Hinako, or a number of  
other untimely fates.  
  
"This is too easy," Raph said, continuing to spraypaint  
anarchy symbols on the walls to mark where they had checked  
already for Kodachi. "Jodan, I thought you said there'd be a lot  
of resistance."  
  
"I'm surprised too," Jodan nodded. "We--"  
  
"BANZAI!!" Chao shrieked, jumping around a corner and  
sending a fiery inferno blasting after some fleeing Ministry of  
Peace troops. "Eat this, you martian bastards! YAAAHAHAHAAA..."  
  
Raph watched the younger boy run screaming from sight. "Was  
it really a good idea to give Chao a flamethrower?"  
  
"Aww, come on, it's just what he's always wanted!"  
  
"True, true. So why is it we're practically walking right  
through the building?"  
  
Jodan started to answer, as the building shook with a  
tremendous force... framed portraits of Kodachi Kunou fell to the  
floor and broke, people stumbled, potted plants that weren't just  
Tsubasa waiting for someone to walk by cracked.  
  
"What was that?" Jodan asked. "Did Happousai set off  
another of his grenades? Where IS Happousai, anyway?"  
  
"Sir!" a voice called, as a turncoat Ministry of Peace  
officer ran up to the pair, panting. "We've found Kodachi's  
office!"  
  
"He's right," Gosunkugi said, catching up. "We just found  
it on the map. Come on, this way. We've got to rescue Akane!"  
  
*  
  
"I don't get it," Ranma said, holding very carefully onto  
the bracelet as he untied Akane. "I thought I had her there...  
where'd she go?"  
  
"At least you got the bracelet off before she escaped,"  
Akane said, rubbing her wrists. "I was so scared..."  
  
"You've had that pain bomb in you all this time?" Ranma  
asked.  
  
"Ever since the first night, yeah. I tried to ignore it,  
but when I got the call at the pizzeria from Kodachi herself...  
and when I bumped into those soldiers, and managed to run away...  
I knew they'd be after me."  
  
"It's over now, at least," Ranma said.  
  
Ranma noticed for the first time that he had been hugging  
her for the last minute or so.  
  
"Umm," Akane said.  
  
"Sorry, sorry..." Ranma apologized, stepping back.  
  
"Ranma... I know things have been bad between us... but..."  
  
"You don't want to continue like that either, huh?" Ranma  
guessed.  
  
"Exactly. Do you think it's possible?"  
  
"Well, we'll always have times when we get on each other's  
nerves... but frankly... I care about you, Akane."  
  
"I... I do too, really..."  
  
Once again, they found themselves in each other's arms. But  
this time, they stayed there.  
  
Jodan cleared his throat.  
  
Akane and Ranma immediately flew apart like a fragmentation  
grenade. Jodan winked a knowing eye. "Glad to see you two in  
good health. Seems we've taken the building, huzzah. Either of  
you two seen one Kodachi Kunou around here?"  
  
"No," Ranma said. "I was fighting her earlier, but I think  
she got away..."  
  
"AKANE!" Ryouga and Gosunkugi echoed, pushing by Jodan.   
"Are you alright?" they continued.  
  
"Hold up, Ryouga!" Wrong Way complained, knocking Jodan into  
the doorframe. Soon after, the room was crowded with the  
original members of the Ministry of Confusion task force.  
  
"Err, I'm fine," Akane nodded.  
  
"Get over here, Ryouga," Wrong Way laughed, pulling him away  
by the ear.  
  
"Something is very wrong," Gosunkugi said. "Where's  
Kodachi?"  
  
"Right here!" Kodachi waved, walking in through a secret  
door. The weapons rack shut behind her. "I had to go get the  
beer you asked for, after all..."  
  
Jodan grinned, and walked forward. "On behalf of a bunch of  
people who would love to see your entrails hanging on a stick, I  
would like to formally accept your surrender to the Ministry of  
Confusion and your resignation as the Commander of the Peace. Do  
you yield?"  
  
"Okay," Kodachi nodded.  
  
"Hot dang! Happy ending time," Jodan grinned. "Okay, break  
out the drinks. Could someone call the 11 o'clock news?"  
  
"Something is VERY wrong..." Gosunkugi said, fiddling with a  
device. "Hang on a second before you party, guys..."  
  
"I recognize what I've done wrong and wish to make amends,"  
Kodachi said. "Ranma, Akane, I apologize for the horrible mental  
torture I put you through. Jodan, I should have taken you more  
seriously."  
  
"She's an extender," Gosunkugi announced, small device  
blinking green.  
  
"I wish you all best of luck in your new regime!" Kodachi  
announced.  
  
"Don't you get it?" Gosunkugi asked. "Kodachi ain't here!   
She knew you were coming and is probably halfway to Ryjekistani  
to meet up with her forces! This is just some clone she stuck  
here to distract us long enough for her to make a clean getaway,  
with everybody in Tokyo assuming she never left..."  
  
"Peace and tranquility and..." Kodachi trailed off. "Foo.   
Well, guess you figured it out. Aren't you the clever one.   
Sorry to ruin the party, folks, but none of you are going to get  
out of here alive to brag about it."  
  
"Lady, you're looking down the wrong end of the gun here,"  
Jodan said. "We've got your building! Everybody who is still  
conscious and kicking is with us! Your reign of terror's over."  
  
"Oh, that. True. But I don't think any of you folks are  
going to be able to find the nuclear bomb I've hidden in the  
building before it explodes, and takes a nice chunk of Tokyo with  
it."  
  
"Bluffing. She's bluffing," Jodan guessed.  
  
"Nope! No bluff."  
  
"You'd die too, in that case!"  
  
"Who, me? OHOHOHOHOHOHO! I'm just a clone. I feel honored  
to be able to see my mother's plan out to the end! How beautiful  
it will be, everything burning with fire..."  
  
"Yeah..." Chao said, dreamy. "The colors..."  
  
"There ain't no bomb," Jodan said. "Come on, that's  
ridiculous. We WON! Triumphant! It doesn't end like that."  
  
"There is an escape clause, if you want to take it," not-  
Kodachi said. "See, I've got with me a bracelet similar to the  
one Ranma's found. My black bracelet detonates the bomb  
instantly; Ranma's white one will stop the countdown. Here, have  
mine. With both of these, you get to make the final call, Ranma  
darling." She took the black bracelet off and passed it over.  
  
"Well, what're you waiting for, Saotome?" Gosunkugi asked.   
"Take the white bracelet and push the button, Frank."  
  
"I can't," Ranma said, in a small voice. "If I diffuse the  
bomb with this other bracelet, Akane'll die."  
  
"Yup!" Kodachi grinned. "The white bracelet also releases  
the pain chemicals into Akane's bloodstream. What a quandary.   
Save one or doom millions. Your choice, of course."  
  
"Push the damn button, I don't want to die!" Raph yelled  
from somewhere in the back. Several shouts of NO drowned him out  
like a tidal wave.  
  
"Ranma, you've got to," Akane Tendo said. "Kodachi won.   
There's no way out of this situation other than to kill me. We  
can't let all those people die!"  
  
"No. I'm not going to do that, okay? We can find the  
bomb..." Ranma said. "We can just find it and diffuse it."  
  
"You're nuts. We don't know how to diffuse a goddamn  
nuclear bomb!" Raph shouted. "Even if we did find it, we'd  
probably set it off in the process of stopping it."  
  
"But we can't let Akane die!" Ryouga shouted.  
  
"Ryouga's right," Wrong Way chimed in with. "There has to  
be another way..."  
  
"Look," Ranma said, dropping the bracelets on the desk.   
"There is always another way. Where's Happousai? Can't he link  
up to the security systems to find it, and get some files about  
bombs?"  
  
"Happy's missing," Jodan noted. "Any other plans?"  
  
"Times a-tickin'," Kodachi warned. "I think you've got  
about five minutes left before this building and everything in a  
five mile radius burns to pure ash."  
  
"Maybe if we called the other ministers--"  
  
"What, and get arrested? I don't think so--"  
  
"We can't let Akane DIE--"  
  
"I don't wanna die either--"  
  
The crowd argued the point back and forth, going nowhere.   
It was the argument of the damned; words that are there just  
because nobody wanted to be silent, words of panic that did  
nothing other than assure everybody that they had something to  
talk about in the last moments of life.  
  
Nobody noticed Akane silently creeping over to the desk.  
  
"So if there's no way to find the bomb, can we figure out a  
way to split the bracelet's two functions?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Ranma?" Akane asked.  
  
"One sec, Akane. I mean, it can't be tamper proof, can it?   
And if it gets set off, maybe only one function will be--"  
  
"Ranma?"  
  
"What, Akane?"  
  
"Please forgive me," she begged. Then she pressed the  
button on the white bracelet.  
  
Wherever it was, the bomb's counter stopped.  
  
"Akane... you didn't..." Ranma started.  
  
"Please forgive me..." she repeated. Then the screaming  
started, and just kept up, screaming on and on.  
  
*  
  
Henry Tuttle Wataru was almost out the front door of the  
Ministry of Peace lobby when the mailbox stopped him.  
  
"You're needed upstairs," it said. "Medical emergency."  
  
*  
  
"What's that racket?" Henry asked, prodded inside the office  
by the mailbox. "I could hear it all the way down the oh my  
god."  
  
It took three or four Tsubasas to hold Akane down, as the  
pain wrenched through her system like an electrical current. The  
screams of agony had cut down to spastic yells and inhuman howls,  
as sweat poured off her body, muscles unsuccessfully trying to  
cool off.  
  
"You heal her or I'll kill you," Ranma said, grabbing Henry  
by the shirt and lifting the man four inches off the ground.   
"You're the bastard that did this, now you get it out."  
  
"The pain system..." Henry gasped. "B-But it's not designed  
to be taken out! Once it's active, there's no counter agent..."  
  
"If she dies, you die," Ranma said. "Now DO something."   
With that, he tossed the hapless doctor to the ground.  
  
"Alright, alright, I'll try..." Henry said, cracking open  
his medical bag and preparing a syringe. "Hold her still, I've  
got to get this into a vein!"  
  
"I can't watch this..." Wrong Way said, face going pale.   
"It's too horrible..."  
  
Ryouga was at her side quickly, and lead her to the door.   
"Ranma, I'll be outside... come get me when it's over..."  
  
"Everybody get out of my bloody way, alright?" Henry said,  
withdrawing the needle. "Anybody not directly holding the girl  
down, scramble. I need room. That includes you, Ranma."  
  
"I stay," Ranma stated, as the others quietly filed out.  
  
"Alright, but get out of the way. I'm going to make another  
injection... normally quite unpleasant, but frankly, she ain't  
gettin' worse..."  
  
"RAAANMAAAA!!!" Akane screamed, somewhere inbetween screams.   
Ranma dove down, grabbing for Akane's hand. She squeezed back,  
nearly to the point of breaking his fingers, but he didn't let  
go.  
  
"Akane... you're going to be okay..." Ranma soothed, or at  
least attempted to.  
  
"No she's not," Henry said, finishing the injection. "This  
isn't working. Don't you get it? It's supposed to be sodding  
lethal, an unstoppable force! If I knew how to stop it, I would,  
but I can't... she's really hanging on there..."  
  
Then, the screaming stopped. Akane's eyes rolled back into  
her head, and her body went limp; the Tsubasas which held her  
down felt no more resistance. That was that.  
  
"...as you can see," Henry finished with.  
  
Ranma looked up. "You killed her, you asshole! YOU KILLED  
AKANE!"  
  
"No, no--" Henry protested, as Ranma pounced him to the  
ground, slamming punch after punch on the Doctor's body.  
  
"Goddamn it, everything was going so well, I loved her and  
you went and killed her!" Ranma yelled, moving his hands to  
strangle the doctor. A few Tsubasae tried to pull the martial  
artist off Tuttle, but Ranma was about as movable as the Ministry  
of Peace building itself.  
  
"Akakacalive!" Tuttle coughed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"She's (hack) alive!" Tuttle spat. "Check for yourself!"  
  
Ranma twisted around from his position on the doctor.   
Akane's chest was rising and falling with breath; the color had  
drained away from her face, but the lungs were still working.   
She was alive.  
  
Tuttle pushed the stunned boy aside, and crawled over to  
Akane's side, pulling a small scanner out of his bag. "Blimey...  
she's alive. She's in a coma, but she's alive... like her body  
knew how to react to trauma..."  
  
"She was in a car bomb once... she went into a coma after  
that, too," Ranma said.  
  
"Past experience saved her, then," Tuttle said, looking at  
Ranma. "Her body knew how to react to pain. Now, don't ask me  
how long she'll be like this, but your gel's definitely alive.   
The pain chemical's still there, but now she's not feeling it...  
once it runs its course, she might wake up."  
  
"Might?"  
  
"I can't tell now, obviously. It's too early. You still  
wont to kill me?"  
  
"See what you can do for her," Ranma said, getting up.   
"I've got to tell the others."  
  
*  
  
"She's in a COMA?" Wrong Way asked, horrified.  
  
"At least she's alive," Mikado said. "To think that one as  
lovely as she would have to meet such a horrible fate... I may  
weep openly."  
  
"The doctor said he didn't know when she'd come out of it,"  
Ranma said. "But she is alive... thank god..."  
  
"Guys, I hate to bring up bad news, but we've got a bigger  
problem right now," Gosunkugi said. "Kodachi, as of this moment,  
is in her private jet, somewhere over the sea of Japan, on her  
way to the war front."  
  
"How do you know that?" Ranma asked.  
  
"You know that explosion that rocked the building earlier?"  
Gosunkugi asked. "Catapult launch system. I took the time to  
check it out while Akane was being treated. Kodachi escaped  
then, leaving her extender behind. It was a basement launch  
array, sort of a rocket-jet doohickey... she's gone. And when  
she gets there, she's going to be commanding most of Tokyo's  
former army."  
  
"Of course... the troop flow..." Mikado said. "I noticed  
the extra troops, but I didn't know why..."  
  
"She's building a personal army, that's why," Gosunkugi  
said. "I found out a little too late about how she was doing  
it... she found the perfect soldier, at last. You just use one  
of Tsubasa's control boxes, and completely scrub the person's  
personality. No inhibitors; physical damage of the brain is more  
like it. She's got a team of zombies there now, willing to do  
anything she wants. I wanted to warn Nabiki, but she sent me off  
after Mikado instead... I didn't think Kodachi would do things  
this fast..."  
  
"It's true!" Mikado nodded. "Most of the incoming troops  
seem brain dead. They're the most unreceptive audience members  
I've ever seen, even the female ones."  
  
"So what?" Raph asked, stepping forward. "Look, gang, we  
just took the MINISTRY OF PEACE. While this is nice and all, we  
really just wanted to get rid of Kodachi, right? Well, she's  
gone, good riddance, I think we should concentrate on getting OUT  
of here before anybody comes knocking."  
  
"But if Kodachi gets away, she's not only going to have a  
large army, but the means to make it grow," Gosunkugi said.   
"We're not talking about storming onto Tokyo looking for revenge,  
we're talking about a good chance at world domination here...  
Tokyo was just the stepping stone--"  
  
A small bag of underwear plopped next to Raph's foot.   
Happousai crawled out of a nearby air vent, grinning.   
"MOTHERLODE! And I got one of the leotards! This is great. Why  
all the glum faces?"  
  
"It's a long story, Happy," Jodan said gravely.  
  
"Well, you should be kissing my feet, I saved your  
collective keisters," Happousai said. "Would you believe some  
idiot left a small NUCLEAR WARHEAD lying around the women's  
laundry room? Of all the nerve! So I stuffed it in this  
jet/rocket thingy I found while going through the air vents, and  
someone left with it. Good riddance, I say. And I got a LOT of  
panties, too!"  
  
Pause.  
  
"You WHAT?!" Jodan asked.  
  
"I got panties!"  
  
"No! The warhead!"  
  
"Oh, that. It's gone, don't worry. Why, did you know about  
it already?"  
  
"You know..." Gosunkugi said, "If the personal army needs a  
leader to run the Tsubasa-type controllers... and that leader was  
to, say, die in a massive fireball somewhere over the ocean..."  
  
Ranma entered Kodachi's office, not saying a word. He  
ignored the confused looks from Henry, who was taking Akane's  
vital signs, and picked up the black bracelet from the desk.  
  
He looked down at Akane, who couldn't look back. And  
pressed the button.  
  
Somewhere over the ocean, an insane laugh stopped.  
  
"Burn, Kodachi," Ranma said quietly.  
  
*  
  
"So it's really her?" Kasumi asked, examining the collapsed  
doll on the medical stretcher. Even through the IVs and  
breathing mask, Akane's face was visible.  
  
"Yeah, it's her," Gosunkugi said.  
  
"I'm so glad you found her," Nabiki said, feigning relief.   
"To think she was just lost all this time... no trademark,  
right?"  
  
"No trademark."  
  
"Talk about your weird nights," Mousse said, adjusting his  
glasses. "I get out of the shower and hear from one of my aides  
that not only had Akane Tendo been found, but some anarchists  
took over the Ministry of Peace and stopped Kodachi from turning  
traitor and taking over the world. Not what I expected when I  
woke up. So how did any of this mess HAPPEN?"  
  
"I think that doesn't matter now," Nabiki matters. "We've  
reclaimed our dear sister and learned of Kodachi's treachery... I  
vote that we close this messy, ugly chapter in history and make  
laws and assurances to see that it doesn't happen again.   
Agreed?"  
  
"Agreed here," Mousse said. "Ugh, what a mess. If--"  
  
"No," Gosunkugi replied.  
  
"What, you're saying it's not a mess, Gos?"  
  
"No, sir, I'm saying we can't just walk away," Gosunkugi  
said. "The truth needs to come out."  
  
"Gosunkugi, I'd suggest against this," Nabiki warned.  
  
"So fire me, Nabiki."  
  
"Umm... don't you work for me?" Mousse asked, confused.  
  
"Yes and no," Gosunkugi said. "The truth is going to sound  
weird, but it's important that it finally be known by more than  
one person. It goes like this."  
  
*  
  
Ranma had been holding Akane's hand for the last six hours,  
and showed no signs of stopping. The Ministry of Sanitation  
nurses worked around him, as if he was another bit of furniture  
in the room, unmovable.  
  
Akane's condition hadn't changed... they gave her a  
transfusion to flush Kodachi's chemical cocktails out of her  
system, but now it was just a matter of waiting for her to wake  
up. Ranma had already decided to wait here until that happened,  
and had called home to tell his father that... Genma was  
surprised to hear what was going on, as Ranma told him the entire  
story.  
  
Including the bit about his own clonehood.  
  
"Found out, huh?" his dad had said. "So, I take it you're  
mad at your dear old dad about it..."  
  
"No," Ranma stated. "What's done is done. Anyway, I'll be  
here if you need to contact me."  
  
"Are you coming home?"  
  
"No. Not yet."  
  
That was three hours ago. He hadn't had any visitors, until  
now.  
  
"Nabiki's been fired," Gosunkugi said, wandering in.  
  
"You could have knocked," Ranma reminded Gosunkugi, keeping  
his eyes on Akane.  
  
"Thought I'd disturb you that way," Gos said, plopping down  
in a chair. "Mousse and Kasumi were quite surprised to hear the  
full story..."  
  
"How much did you tell?"  
  
"All of it," Gosunkugi said. "From Experiment-A right on  
through to the ending mayhem. Every detail. Nabiki's been  
demoted a few rungs in her own governmental ladder... they're  
looking for replacements now."  
  
"And Kodachi?"  
  
"Kodachi's dead. We confirmed the blast."  
  
"I mean her clone."  
  
"I don't know. She and Chao ran off somewhere. I don't  
think anybody's worried about them. Heck, the entire MoC has  
been pardoned, since they helped uncover the plot. Now they need  
a new director for the MoP... if Akane was, umm, you know..."  
  
"I know, I know," Ranma nodded. "So everything's out now?   
No unanswered questions?"  
  
"None, except any you may have. Look, I'd just like to ask  
you one question, then I'll let you drill me for anything you  
want to know. Anything at all about how the government works and  
has worked, about history, anything I know about I'll tell you.   
I think you deserve the truth at this point."  
  
"Sounds fair. Your question?"  
  
"You really love Akane, don't you?" Gosunkugi asked.  
  
"Yeah," Ranma said. "I think I do."  
  
"Fair enough, fair enough," Gosunkugi said. "Take good care  
of her, Saotome. All I ask of you. Now, let's see. Where would  
you like to start?"  
  
"At the beginning."  
  
"Okay, the beginning," Gosunkugi nodded. "After the  
revolution, the Ministries were implemented by Soun Tendo, as a  
decentralized form of government..."  
  
*  
  
After the Kodachi Scandal went on the airwaves, story told  
in full, formal apologies were issued. The government made  
promises to try and let something like this never happen again,  
but these weren't the hollow, fake promises such as Truth and  
Trust; they were simple promises to try and make the wrong things  
right.  
  
The Ministry of Confusion split up just as quickly as it had  
formed. Jodan became a stand up comic. Raph became a failed  
modern artist, and switched to doing manga, where he found his  
true fortune in the weekly exploits of his characters. Chao was  
last seen with someone looking suspiciously like Kodachi Kunou,  
and three children who looked suspiciously like the two of them.  
  
Ryouga Hibiki had his name legally changed to Ryouga Hibiki,  
and Wrong Way Tendo became Wrong Way Hibiki by marriage.  
  
An unknown, out of the blue candidate for leader of the  
Ministry of Economics proved her worth at balancing the budget.   
The Kuonji Bill, as it was known, established her place in  
government. Who nominated her for the position is unknown.  
  
Hinako Ninomiya lost her teaching license after an incident  
involving blasting the principal of Furinkan with some kind of  
energy weapon. Currently she is involved in day care.  
  
Most of the ex-Ministry of Peace was recovered from the war-  
torn nation of Ryjekistani, and were taken home for mental  
treatments. Henry Tuttle Wataru got to work at looking for a  
cure for the damage done, describing it as 'his lot in life'. So  
far, no cure has been found.  
  
Dr. Odo Tofu was married to a young Tomboy Akane Tofu some  
time after the incident.  
  
All questions were answered except one.  
  
Approximately two months after the scandal had broken, in a  
hospital room deep within the Ministry of Sanitation, Akane Tendo  
woke up.  
  
She looked around; the room had changed since she last  
looked. She wasn't in the Ministry of Peace anymore, but Ranma  
was still here, still holding her hand, the last thing she  
remembered before falling asleep...  
  
Speaking of which, Ranma was asleep. He was still hanging  
onto her hand, granted, but he was asleep; Akane nudged him awake  
with her hand, careful not to pull at any of the IVs.  
  
"Hmphh?" Ranma mumbled, waking up. "A... akane?"  
  
"Hello, sleepyhead," Akane smiled. Ranma practically  
collapsed with little laughs of joy, pulling his head up when he  
had the strength... he was crying, slightly.  
  
"Glad to see you awake," Ranma said. "How do you feel?"  
  
"I've got this awful taste in my mouth..." Akane said.   
"Other than that, okay... where are we?"  
  
"A hospital. You went into a coma."  
  
"But the bomb? And Kodachi?"  
  
"Everything's fine, everything's fine," Ranma insisted. "I  
can tell you the whole story later, and boy is it a long story...  
at least now the truth is out."  
  
"Everything? All the stuff that was secret?"  
  
"Everything, yes. All questions answered. It sold a lot of  
newspapers, I can tell you that. You couldn't dream up an  
adventure like that. But still... there's one question I need  
answered."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Well... see, it's like this... Akane, I love you."  
  
"Hai, Ranma... I love you too... I was really kidding  
myself, trying to put off admitting it..."  
  
"Same here. So, really, I guess the only question left to  
ask is if we're going to get married."  
  
Akane paused, considering. "Well..."  
  
"I've got to know," Ranma insisted, holding her hand  
tighter. "It's the last piece of the puzzle."  
  
Akane thought about it, and with all confidence, answered, "  
  
End of Folder  
Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.15  
Private use only  
  
  
  
  
- Stefan Gagne  
College Park, MD March 6, 1995  
 


End file.
